AuthorityHellas16

Yeah, figured so. No worries, gives me a chance to polish my submission a little more

Welcome Marci! Can't wait to read your stuff Is there any space left on this week? I'd like to re-submit my last chapter, plus the next chapter if there's still room.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! You'll love it here I like the setting, the characters and certain aspects of the story. I'm curious to where the tale leads. I like your descriptions of the non-human characters, particularly Elias, and I think your emotion-based magic is a refreshing take on things. To answer your questions: - I thought there was a little too much information at the start. My biggest issue was all of the titles and names you were throwing around without much explanation. Things like SoulBurner and BrightLord made sense eventually, while others like SlaveBaron were self-explanatory, but I found there were too many (I'm guilty of this myself, actually). The way I prefer to do it is explain the title before giving the final name drop; explain, for example, that the BrightLord fed off positive emotions to power his magic and THEN reveal the title. It's my personal preference, but I think it works. - I also thought a lot of the backstory actually slowed down the action. In combat it can come across as a bit Narm-y if the protagonist is navel gazing right before he's about to "die." I'd recommend setting this aside and using it later, because it is interesting. It just felt out of place. - The characters were good; I liked the yin-yang aspect of Andrinal and Dirk's personalities, and how this fed into their magic. I did feel that Dirk could have been more positive, rather than mocking, especially since you set up Andrinal as this badass Breaker of Men. You may have been going for a Puck-like character (from Midsummer Night's Dream), but to me it seemed more like this: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BullyingADragon(yes I use a lot of TV Tropes references in my comments ). - I look forward to seeing some hidden depths in the characters (which you hinted at in his final confrontation with Elias) but be wary of the standard Dark and Troubled Past trope; I'm guilty of this too and I do believe it has been done to death, though it is justified if it feeds into your magic system. There are ways you can put a refreshing spin on it; what I'm trying to do is go for a more Sad Clown vibe, where the main character cracks jokes to hide his pain. - I thought the action sequences were really good; I liked your vivid descriptions and could really imagine what was happening. Again, though, be wary of Narm with Andrinal's "DON'T SHOW ME HER" moment. I think the all-caps lock may contribute to this, but it came of as a little silly. - I love the hints of magic you gave, and am curious to see what the full extent of Andrinal's (and Dirk's) powers are. I think that an emotion-based magic system is not something that's been done a lot (as far as I know), and can be very effective at providing a visualisation of a character's emotions. All in all, an enjoyable read. A few things that could do with some editing here and there, but I look forward to reading on Keep writing

Thanks guys for all your feedback. On reflection I think this chapter does need a lot of cleaning and a lot of work. I'm going to make a few changes that'll hopefully clear a few things up - I think I can jump straight to Hellas being in the caverns and spend more time in World's End; when I read it over again it seemed too clunky and slow - I agree with most of you; the meteors were strictly following the "Rule of Cool" and are completely unnecessary. I can make it more alien by changing the colour of the sky or something more plausible - I'm going to make it more difficult for Hellas to remain undetected amongst the hellspawn. It seemed a little too convenient that he could just waltz through World's End without having to duck and hide at all; almost reminded me of that scene in Transformers where the Decepticon got off Air Force One and walked in plain sight to his getaway car. Not exactly the standard I'd like to follow! - I plan on cleaning up the initial exchange with Eirael. Perhaps I might make Hellas drop his signature "be prepared for everything" catchphrase that makes her recognise him, rather than her demanding he take off his mask. That could clean things up. - The soldiers should probably be less weak, as king007 mentioned, if you guys saw that as a let down. I'll have them swarm the hellspawn guards - I was going to make Hellas basically blast his way out of the prison; burrowing back down into the caverns and escaping that way. Hopefully that could make it more plausible how he then escapes with six hundred soldiers. Anything else that I could improve on?

Thanks for the feedback Robinski. I guess what I'd like to know is what can I do to make Hellas a better character? What do you believe is the most pressing issue to resolve? I delve a little into his motivations and such in the next chapter I'm going to submit, so hopefully that gives him a little more fleshing out. The problem I had was that I didn't want to resort to navel gazing or an inner monologue to flesh out the character; I prefer having characters converse. Scrios knows Hellas really well and thus knows his motivations, but I guess I could add a few tidbits here or there. Haha, I never made the connection between the two. I guess the focus on the riddle in this instance is that the Keeper is trying to coax Hellas into remembering his past identity, which I thought was quite different from what Gollum did to Bilbo in the Hobbit. The aim was never to make it difficult for Hellas to solve the riddle, but for it to shed some light on his past, and his history with the Keeper especially. I'll see if I can make it slightly more unique, though

Hello again, all! Here’s the second chapter of Part 2 of When Good Angels do nothing. In addition to the usual requests (grammar, characters etc.) I’d like feedback on a few other things: 1. What do you think of World’s End? 2. Is it plausible that Hellas could sneak in and out with his soldiers, or do you think that’s a little ridiculous? 3. What do you think of the new character (Eirael)? Is she badass enough? 4. How is the pacing of this chapter? The fourth point in particular I would like to be a focus for all of Part 2. I was looking through my chapter summaries last night and I was worried that Part 2 would come across as boring and a little stagnant. If you as wonderful readers could tell me yay or nay, I’d really appreciate it. Last Time: After accepting Lucifer’s armour and his request to work towards a shared goal (the removal of the Council from Heaven), Hellas seeks the advice of his old mentor, the Mor’kai Scrios. Scrios reveals knowledge of a group of elite soldiers who had been taken prisoner by the hellspawn and were held within World’s End. In order to find a way into the blasted plateau, Hellas confronted the terrifying Keeper of Secrets, an abomination with whom he seemed to share some history. The Keeper tested Hellas, clearly trying to nudge him towards remembering his long-lost identity, without success. In return for successfully completing his challenges, the monster told Hellas of a second labyrinth beneath Mount Majesty that would lead him into World’s End. Armed with this knowledge, Hellas and Rakha travel west, in hopes of finding the entrance into World’s End and freeing the important soldiers. From there, Hellas hopes to start his rebellion against Heaven in earnest.

Hi king, Like Mandamon said, well done on getting second person to work. That's not something I've seen a lot of, and it's very easy to screw up. So very well done there. I'm intrigued as to how this second person segment fits into a larger work. I know you're spitballing at the moment, but it would be an interesting exercise to see how much of a coherent story you could write in this style. I like the writing itself, but there were a few areas where I thought you could have gotten more out of the words and painted a better picture of what was going on. - Instead of "his head was there and now it's gone," perhaps say something like "he dodged! He was never that fast." The difference is you're making the movement active, rather than passive, which is much more engrossing. - If this were a scene in a novel, I'd be much less accepting of the amount of navel gazing in the scene. Given that the fight would last over a maximum of minutes (if not seconds), I'd struggle to buy that the character had enough mental capacity to fight and wax philosophical at the same time. The one character I've seen pull that off is Deadpool, and a) it's played strictly for laughs and he's completely nuts. Always be careful where you put your self-reflection sequences. Finally, if you're interested in writing exercises, you should check out the Writing Excuses podcast (apologies if you already have) and try and tackle some of the "homework" they give after every podcast. Some of the exercises are really thought-provoking and challenging. All in all, a good submission! Keep writing!

Hi Mandamon. I liked the story as usual, but I did find this the weakest of your four excellent submissions. Still enjoyable to read, but I found the others to pull me in and forge an engrossing story slightly better than this one. - I think you have a great opportunity to indirectly give more information about the magic system with Origon's post-exhaustion state. Whenever someone comes to hospital from "overwork"-like symptoms, I find that their problems are usually focussed in the area that they overworked. For example, the person with heart failure who comes in after trying to run will have chest pain and shortness of breath, because that's what they overworked. I think if you wanted, you could give a biological basis for the Symphony by giving Origon more symptoms than "weakness." If it's a mental-based skill, give him a splitting headache; if it's based on second sight, maybe make his eyesight blurry; if it's based on hearing the music, you could make him slightly deaf. It's a small point, but it can shed some light on the magic system, as well as making Origon's ordeal (and the consequences thereof) far more visceral - Another thing I thought would make the story leap off the page more is the emotions of the characters. Following the old "show don't tell" rule, if you show reactions linked to emotions, the characters feel much more visceral. In movie terms, you can think of it as Haydn Christiansen vs. Daniel Day-Lewis/Kevin Spacey (I'll let you figure out which is which ). Something like this is a good tool to help you out: https://worddreams.wordpress.com/2009/10/07/how-to-show-not-tell-an-emotion-a-to-d/ - As Shrike mentioned, I thought the twist was a little convoluted. I really like the idea of the Mayor being behind the whole failure (it had a real Agatha Christie vibe to it when I read it). I agree with Shrike and think that his motivations are far too convoluted and there was much too much room for error. I won't presume to tell you how to fix it, but if you want to make the Mayor particularly diabolical, you could try and make his plan effectively become a Xanatos gambit. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/XanatosGambit) The other problem I had is that the Mayor is incredibly unsatisfying as a villain. He sweats and he's an obvious coward. It would make it much more satisfying if he hints that he could beat any charge Origon throws at him (foreshadowing potential corruption, if that's where you're taking the story) or defiantly shouting that he did do it (like every Poirot villain ever!). I think having him sweat and run away reduces my belief that he would have the mental cojones to try and ruin his people's investment. Overall, I really like the story. I love the characters in the same way I love the different species in Mass Effect. I love the settings and the exploration/space opera vibe I got during the shuttle launch. I particularly love the magic system, as it is one of the more original magic systems I've encountered. I look forward to reading more after you're done with this "appetizer" as you called it, as my appetite is well and truly whetted. I do think that the whole thing could do with some polishing (what draft doesn't?) but I can't wait to read the finished product again!

I too would like to submit if there's still room. I'll make sure to catch up on my critiques before then!

Hey guys, really interesting discussion going on here. Sorry I haven't had a chance to reply; been a long week of work. I'm glad this chapter has received relatively positive feedback. I'll try and address as many issues as I can, so sorry for the long post! Thanks for your feedback, king. I'm glad you like it - The keeper's true identity is a plot point. As many of you have already guessed, he was Hellas' old teacher. What his real name is, what organisation he belonged to, why he was teaching Hellas, and why he's hiding in a labyrinth under the ground are all plot points that will be revealed in the fullness of time . Given this history, I didn't intend for him to be evil. Originally I was aiming for something more akin to Koh from Avatar the Last Airbender (anyone who's seen that episode will know exactly what I'm talking about). But as I mentally fleshed out his backstory I thought this more familiar approach was more appropriate. Thanks as always Shrike! - Thanks for pointing out the POV shifts; this is an issue for me so I'm glad you're on top of it for me - Hellas destroyed the mask Lucifer gave him, because he wanted to be his own person. But he needed a mask for his disguise, so Scrios provided one - The Keeper asks Hellas a riddle because, as you may have guessed, he and Hellas have a friendly past. He is trying to get Hellas to remember his past identity, for reasons that will become clearer later. That's why he deliberately asked a riddle Hellas would remember. I can work on making this clearer. - As for the relationship between Scrios and Hellas, it's an interesting (but way off the mark ) point that Scrios was Lucifer. Scrios is Hellas' mentor and the two have been close for decades, so Hellas trusts scrios completely. Again, I'll make this clearer. Needless to say, Scrios is in Hellas' corner until the end. Also, very interesting about the Set vs. Seth conversation. I took the name from the Egyptian deity, but actually modelled his appearance (which we will see in the next chapter) after the Hindu God Ganesh. It's basically a mish-mash from lots of different religions that I've combined according to Rule of Cool. Very little point behind it! Also, big thanks to Mandamon, rdpulfer and smgorden for all your positive feedback. Thanks to everyone who commented. I'm thrilled you all enjoyed it. Hope you continue to enjoy it next week :)

Hey Shrike. As always thanks for taking it apart. I think the last few chapters have needed you to eviscerate them, so I really appreciate it! I'm taking a slow and steady approach to revealing Hellas' backstory, mainly because there's little reason to in the context of the plot. If I were to reveal big chunks of it, I'd probably stray into long "as you know" soliloquies. It could end up resembling M. Night Shamylan's abysmal "the Last Airbender" adaptation, which was 90% characters waxing lyrical about past events that everyone they're talking to already knew. Whenever I have the chance throughout the book to reveal a bit of Hellas' backstory, I take it, but I desperately want to avoid those three horrible words, as you know . I kept the parents scene in for its emotional impact, but you and others here have pointed out it's a little strange. Instead, I changed it to have an Inquisitor come and blackmail Hellas into silence regarding the massacre. This not only tips Hellas over the edge and gets him out of the Infirmary and into a shouting match with Gabriel (changed from the Trinity in the original), but also reinforces the city's undercurrent of 1984-esque censorship. I feel it's much better. I'm glad you like the changes to the Trinity. I've implemented them fully, but this scene was the biggest change to make, so there won't be much more of it in the rest of the book. As for the armour, I've made it much more explicit that Hellas and Lucifer are two enemies working towards the same goal. They don't cooperate or do anything together, but are instead approaching it from different angles. I even have Lucifer say that once the Council and the Trinity are gone, he and Hellas will decide "who is fit to rule" Heaven. This hopefully makes it clear that Hellas is not going to ally with the hellspawn in any way, and Lucifer does not expect him to. The question remains, then: what does Lucifer gain out of helping Hellas? That is a question that won't be answered for quite a while, unfortunately Thanks again for your feedback. It's such a help

Hi Mandamon. Loving your work so far. Again, I think your magic system is special. To my memory this is the first time we've had an in-depth, prolonged look at Origon manipulating the Symphonies, and seeing him do it against the resistance of the Drain is fascinating. I really want more information on how it works, how the majus can hear the Symphonies when normal people can't, how common majus are in general society etc. etc. I just want more! My biggest complaint at this point is that I'm confused about the whole space travel thing.You mention other "homeworlds," which to me speaks of different planets. Which in turn speaks of some form of interplanetary travel. If that's the case, why is the space travel in this book so significant (so much so that the title is devoted to this fact?) If it's not, perhaps make this distinction a little clearer at some point, if only for my dull mind. Another problem is the portals. When you first mentioned them I thought "why can't they just make a portal instead of going to the effort and expense of a rocket mission?" Perhaps if you inserted a little mission briefing-type sequence early on and explained why the majus can't just teleport people (breathing equipment and all) to the surface of the moon, that'd be great. I suspect they can only teleport people to somewhere they've already been, but that's just me. I also assume that the assassin placed the urn containing the Drain in the capsule, for hitherto unknown (but obviously nefarious) reasons. I'm interested to see who he was and why he essentially ruined the mission. However, in your mind, did his plan hinge on someone knocking over the urn and releasing the Drain (if it's a reveal later, you don't have to tell me ). If so, it seems like it's not a very well thought out plan if you don't mind me saying. Other than that, I really enjoyed it. You masterfully wove the tension surrounding the Drain and provided us with a good insight into why it was such an antithesis to everything Origon thought possible. I really like the story so far and can't wait for the ending this week! Keep writing! :)

Hello everyone. Hope 2016 is treating you all well. Here is the first chapter of Part 2 of When Good Angels Do Nothing, where Hellas ponders his next move after receiving the armour from Lucifer. As always, any and all feedback is appreciated. Special things I’d like answered with this chapter: What do you think of the Keeper of Secrets? Is the whole “riddles” thing too cliche? Is it convenient that there’s a back way into World’s End? Are you interested in Hellas’ forgotten identity/do you know who it is (if you do already kudos! That does mean I’ll need to cut down on the navel gazing in this department) Cheers! AH16 The Story So Far: After Hellas’ students were massacred by the hellspawn, despite his (and the Steel Hawks’) attempts to save them, Hellas recuperated in the Infirmary. CHANGED CONTENT ALERT! He received a letter from Augustine, the High Inquisitor, demanding his complete silence regarding the massacre, as they believe such a screw up would raise questions about the Trinity’s omniscience and infallibility. Enraged, Hellas made for the Temple, lambasting Gabriel and Augustine for trying to cover up the students’ sacrifice, as well as their seeming apathy to the tragedy. After Hellas is escorted away by Michael, Gabriel marches into the Inner Sanctum (being one of two people in Heaven to have access to the Trinity). He demands that Hellas be exiled for his behaviour, but Elohim commands him to keep his temper in check. With his faith in the Council - and by extension the absentee Trinity - completely shattered, Hellas travelled to the Citadel and met Lucifer, who presented him with a splendid set of armour, goading him into taking up arms against the Council. Despite knowing that Lucifer was trying to manipulate him, Hellas took the armour anyway, vowing to destroy the hellspawn as soon as he had deposed the ineffective Council. Meanwhile, Elohim leaves the Temple in the dead of night and meets a mysterious figure named Kha Shi…

Robinski, if you want to submit this week, please do. I can stay off for another week

I too would like to submit if there's space, resuming my status as "that guy"

Hey Mandamon. Super excited to read the second part of this piece. Once again, I thought your writing style was at once accessible and fast-moving. I never felt that it meandered that much in terms of what was actually happening. I like Origon and I absolutely adore the musical magic system. Your use of proper music terminology (chords, cadenzas etc.) is great, and I would be absolutely blown away if you used other, less well-known ones (e.g. grace notes, cadences, arpeggios etc.) I do feel doing that would add a little variety and zest to your descriptions. My biggest problem may come from ignorance, but I'm completely lost as to why the spaceship had to be launched NOW. Given that the launching ceremony has been attacked and the majus assassinated, I feel like having Origon rush into things would be tantamount to idiocy. I guess my enthusiasm for the Apollo program (Apollo 13 is my favourite movie) informs this opinion, as they had a full backup crew in case anything went wrong. Again, I'm not sure if this was addressed or if it needs to be addressed, but if you made Origon the "backup," (thus preserving him being miffed at being passed over for the role) it would make more sense to me. Onto more focussed critiques: After all of the talking in the previous section, I feel like a lot of the urgency in this section has been lost. But perhaps that's just me. I love the steampunk vibe!! Perhaps you could streamline this section; it feels a bit clunky to me. One major sticking point for me with magic is giving it consequences for no reason. If you could provide a very brief reason as to WHY using the Symphony would kill him, then I think there would be a little more visceral danger to this section. A very abstract description here. My personal preference would be to show what reaction the "ripping" sensation entails. Perhaps a wince if it's a physical sensation, or panic if it's an emotional one. This comes up before, but I feel this instance is more effective because it's shown rather than told. Perhaps you could consider deleting or changing the first time this comes up. Once again, many of these critiques relate to personal preference. I do love what you're doing with this story and I can't wait for the next instalment! Keep writing, Mandamon!

Sorry I've been a bit behind on replying (and on commenting on other submissions). As always, thanks for the feedback. Since you and Mandamon have been raising this for a little while now I had to take a step back and think about it. Originally, the Trinity were designed to appear apathetic, incompetent and kinda useless. This was meant to spur Hellas' desire for change and advance the plot. However, you guys raised the obvious question: how would they have stayed in power so long. The solution I came up with requires a major rewrite of many of the scenes involving the Trinity, but I think it's a more satisfying plot twist. Rather than them being merely apathetic, I have it that Elohim is so weakened by centuries of strain that He is basically on life support, sealed inside a Vault at the centre of the Temple and tended to by Logos and Paracleatus. This leaves the day-to-day running of the city to the Council (who are the main source of Hellas' ire anyway). Elohim is worshipped as a God by the people for His past deeds (creating the angels, leading the archangels out of slavery etc.) but He has not been seen in the flesh for hundreds of years. This fixes a number of issues: - When Lucifer breaks into the Temple, he is stopped by the Vault. This fixes the issue where the Trinity just stared at him and waited for him to kill them - Explains how they stay "in command" for so long; Elohim is more a symbol than an actual king. He's the centre of a cult, a great man that has descended into myth (much like some people view Jesus) - Allows Hellas to focus on the Council as the source of incompetence in Heaven, giving him (and by proxy the reader) one group to hate - Makes scenes where He actually leaves the Temple and skulks around doing His own thing more impactful. I think this is a better fix than simply handwaving it away, but it will require quite a bit of reworking. Funny you should say that; Heaven does have an economy and there are wages. But your reasoning is sound, as usual. I've amended it so the Steel Hawks are on standby and come to help Hellas. Temujin and the students return to assist (out of exuberance more than anything) and that's what gets them all killed. I feel this makes a little more sense. The angels, like humans and Sokham and all other intelligent beings, rest in the Void when they die. I thought I explained this with Hellas' trip into the Void in Chapter 5. Was it confusing? This is actually brought up in the next chapter. Hellas shows the armour to Scrios, because he's unsure of what to do with it. Scrios calls him out on being stupid enough to accept a gift from Lucifer. Hopefully that explains away the confusion a little. During my psychiatry rotations, I have had the opportunity to interview patients with PTSD, so I have a fair idea of what it can be like. Hellas' battle fatigue and flashbacks with regards to his Fourth Company are as realistic for PTSD as I could make them. The Jessica angle is a little more Hollywood-y. I do agree it's an overused trope, but I wanted to make the arc for Hellas more about the healing and recovery than the pain; most times I've seen it it's all about the character being dark and brooding because of his dark and troubled past; I wanted to show a character that is able to move past the pain. That's an angle that I don't think is actually explored much in popular media, so that was my rationale for creating the Jessica arc. What do you think? Thanks again for all the feedback. This is actually the first time I've showed this to anyone else, so plot problems like this are to be expected. You're all helping me iron out the problems, both major and minor

Thanks for the feedback, Shrike, both positive and constructive. None of you need to apologise for coming across as "negative" - while it's gratifying to hear you enjoying the story so far, I want to make it the best it can be. Feedback like yours helps me get there because it provides a perspective that isn't clouded by working on the damnation thing for six years! As Mandamon hinted at, the difficulty I have is fixing the problems. Most can be tweaked without affecting the overall plot, but some major changes (e.g. the magic system and the Trinity, which you can see in chapters 7 and 8), require a lot of rewriting and reworking. That's why I occasionally post theses-length responses so I can explain the changes I've made which means you guys won't be confused when you come across them again. Happily, Shrike, many of the issues you've raised are easily (or have already) been fixed: - I agree Hellas needed more explicit purpose with his actions. He improved his White Faces so he wouldn't always have to be controlling him (which removes his ability to fight or issue commands to his other soldiers), and he entered the Void to see if he could bring a spirit back to life to fight for him. This is more explicitly stated now - The issue with the pain has also been remedied. I've toned down the pain when he summoned the first White Face (using words like "twinge") and ramped up the pain when he summons the hundred. This is the limiting factor in his summoning. Thanks again for all your help

Thanks as always for the comments, Robinski. Thanks for pointing this out; I never even thought about it this way. Fortunately it can be easily changed, as it was not my intention for Hellas to come across as dismissive. This was done deliberately to showcase the incompetence of the Council. They have become so reliant on the Inquisition giving them notice of hellspawn movements that when the Inquisition says there won't be anyone there (rightly or wrongly) they're confident enough to stand down the Host. It's also the reason why there's only a token permanent guard behind the Gates, since the hellspawn have never come close to breaching them. However, I can understand your confusion. There are better ways for me to get my point across, so I'll have to nut that out. I have changed this, to give more explanation on the costs of Hellas' magic, but I'll go over it again just to make sure. Thanks Haha, I'll make sure not to diss the admin people too much. However, my inspiration for the Council was more governmental bodies rather than local councils or administrative bodies. When I was writing the book, meetings of Australia's Parliament often degenerated into name-calling and childish arguments. I know from watching the news that American or British politics is often no different. That's what I was trying to get across here, that while the civil servants and administration staff keep Heaven ticking over, the selfish, ineffective Council has robbed the city of its ability to progress as a society and as a people. It also mismanages the hell out of the war with Lucifer, which is Hellas' main beef with it. However, I agree that Hellas' dismissal of the Principalities is no less churlish, so that will have to change. This is the curse of the writer, where I knew in my head what I wanted to say, but didn't communicate it to the reader. Hellas and the rest of Heaven aren't really aware of human strategists, especially when many of those human strategies don't account for magic. When he said it's "largely useless," he was talking about the angel and Okhar strategies of old. With this he was trying to break the students away from the staid old tactics of HIS world's history, because with the hellspawn coming at them more frequently and with new monsters and tactics, the old ways weren't going to cut it anymore. Again, however, none of this was actually SAID, so that's something I'll have to add. Thanks for pointing it out. This is something I plan on making far more explicit every time he summons a White Face; he is in excruciating pain when he has to summon hundreds of them. But, like I said to Mandamon, I hadn't really figured out the magic system until recently, because it was just one big retcon. Thanks again, Robinski!

Hi all, Hope everyone has had a great holiday season and an even better new year! Here are the final two chapters of Part 1 of When Good Angels Do Nothing. This will be my last submission for a couple of weeks, as I’ve just moved cities and am starting my first job tomorrow. I’ll still comment on other people’s stuff, of course, and I’ll be back on the 25th January. Thanks to everyone who commented on my work so far; you’ve all been incredibly helpful! The usual comments on these chapters would be great; plot, characters (especially Hellas, Robinski!), world building issues etc. etc. Last Time: Hellas returned to Heaven after his battle and was grudgingly welcomed back into the Council. After three hours of ineffective debate, he worked on improving his White Faces and travelled into the Void, where he met the spirit of the legendary Forger Raziel. Upon hearing that Heaven was at war with Lucifer and his renegades, Raziel agreed to return to real space from the Void and help Hellas defend his people. The next day, Hellas took a class of students onto Caelus Island to instruct them in combat theory. Despite being assured by the Inquisition that there would be no hellspawn activity, a small force of berserkers ambushed his students. Hellas was able to fight them off, but he fell unconscious due to the strain and his students suffered heavy casualties…

I too would like to submit, concluding my run as "that guy" for the moment. I'll take a couple of weeks off after this week to let other people submit, and to adjust to life as a semi-functional adult person

Sorry I'm late to the party, folks. I've been completely swamped this week! First off, Mandamon, it's a pleasure to be reading some of your work. Hopefully I can be half as helpful as you have been to me. I'm obviously new to this story, but I really like how you dive into the action, rather than meandering around with descriptions and stuff. It benefits a short story, where you obviously can't be too verbose. I like the magic system, and thought that you sprinkled just the right amount of info in to allow me to get the gist without it slowing down the story. I like the non-human character, and the organisation of the Houses seems very interesting. I think one thing that would make the events much more visceral is if you allowed the environment to interact with Origon (is that a play on Oregon, per chance?). I like how he has to jostle through the crowd, but when the shots from the Sureriaj ring out, there doesn't seem to be much indication that anyone in the crowd reacts. For example, Origon's focussed vision is made difficult by the attacker's movements, but not by people pushing and shoving at him. I always find that keeping track of where a character is in a scene brings that scene to life. I don't know if you could fit this in, but I would personally like just a hint of description of some of the other species. Even a little tidbit like "reptillian" would give me a foundation to construct a mental image of the other species Origon is interacting with. Just my opinion, though, and I'm not sure how relevant this would be to the plot. Similarly, a smidge of descriptions of the location, even with non-specific adjectives like "majestic" or "dingy" would give me an anchor on which to base my imaginings of this world. Overall, it's great. I look forward to reading the rest and learning more about the species, the magic system and the world you've created.

Now for the rest of the comments: I do have a system for how humans become angels. Problem is I don't think it's relevant to the story just yet. I do plan on explaining it, but later. Is it too much of a nagging problem? Hellas' rationale for this was accidentally deleted during my edits. Basically, he uses the White Faces to change the course of battle when the Host can't win by itself. However, because of the pain of using Eclipse energy he can only create a hundred or so, which isn't enough to fight against hellspawn in their thousands (I have added a comment in earlier chapters explicitly saying this, so thanks ). However, he has to concentrate on controlling them, because of the rules stated above; once he Forges a connection he has to maintain that connection for the White Faces to do anything. Otherwise they're just statues. He wants to give them sentience so he doesn't have to control them a hundred percent of the time. Given Raziel's historical importance, I gave him a statue at the start of Chapter 1 (along with Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel and Elohim), which provides some foreshadowing. This comes back to Point 2 above; Hellas uses all the Aspect energy stored in his Mark, but he has to keep pounding the hellspawn. So his body uses energy contained in his cells, which keeps his organs working. As he drains energy away from his cells, his body tries to stop it by rendering him unconscious. I have explained this better after you pointed it out, so thanks Thanks for pointing this out smgorden. I did actually have a short battle sequence between Hellas' White Faces and the students, but found that it rendered the fight with the hellspawn repetitive and a little boring. So I cut it. I agree that the segue into the hellspawn's arrival is clumsy, so I tried to make it more dramatic, with more focus on Hellas' visceral reaction. Also, thanks for your tips on general writing, they're awesome! A fair assessment rdpulfer. I guess I wanted to have someone who was a little familiar to the reader, after throwing Mor'kai and Demon Gods and everything else at them. I've made it a little less ;) by removing the "Doubter" sobriquet, though. There is, but once again I try to avoid exposition on every last detail. I try to wait until it becomes relevant to the plot, or the characters are in a position to interact with these little details. Is this decreasing your enjoyment of the story though? I guess that's the point. After being told explicitly that the hellspawn wouldn't show up, they do and Hellas and his students pay the price. If you're asking how they got from the mainland to the island, I added in a note that showed them clambering of crappy rafts, which is how they traversed the water. Thanks again, guys. Keep the comments coming!

Thanks for the feedback guys. Hope you've all had a safe and happy new years as well. Thanks for calling me out on this Mandamon. I think the poorly explained magic system is a relic of it being largely one massive retcon. Previously I had very little idea of how it worked, as I wrote this story by the seat of my pants. As I revised it, I sort-of bolted on rules and details without seeing if it made sense to the reader. What I've done to remedy this is being much more explicit early on with what my magic system is, largely in the Prologue and in Hellas' training session with Scrios in Chapter 3. To ensure you're not confused going forward, I'll summarise the magic system here. 1. Magic (Forging in this universe) uses Aspect energy, which can be thought of in similar ways to the Force from Star Wars: it's an omnipresent energy source that is present in, and exuded by everything, both living and inert. Even the smallest speck of dust contains Aspect energy 2. In order for Forging to work, Aspect energy must be absorbed through an angel's (or Okhar's) Mark, a unique tattoo-like marking somewhere on their bodies. This is done because otherwise the energy would be drained from their bodies, rendering them unconscious or dead (this is what happens to Hellas at the end of Chapter 6) 3. The absorbed Aspect energy is used to Forge a connection with the Aspect energy in the target, for example an area of ground or a metal object. "Pushing" refers to how much energy must be released by the Forger to Forge the connection; larger, heavier objects require more energy to connect to. The connection is heralded by the appearance of identical runes on the Forger's body and on the target. 4. Once the connection has been Forged, the Forger is able to manipulate the target like a puppeteer, using movements of their body to gain the desired effect. This lends it a bit of martial arts "bending" (from Avatar the Last Airbender) feel. 5. Certain techniques, like lightning or fire, involve simply Pushing the energy without Forging a connection. In the case of using fire, the energy combusts (it's highly volatile) allowing the Forger to Forge a connection with the flames. This makes it quite difficult to control fire with Forging, while lightning is the easiest technique to master. 6. Eclipse energy refers to a reflection of Aspect energy in the Void. It can be found in shadows, given that shadows are a reflection of the Void in realspace. However, Eclipse energy is difficult to use, mainly because a user's body normally rejects it as foreign, in the same way that a child with an allergy reacts to peanuts. Hellas is the only one who is able to use Eclipse energy, and the reason for this is a PLOT POINT! Again, I've tried to lay this all out organically in the text, but I wanted to explain it here so you're not confused going forward. I've also gotten rid of the word "Wraithfire," since it was confusing. Now it's just Forging.

Hi all, Here’s the next two chapters of When Good Angels Do Nothing. As usual, any and all feedback is greatly appreciated. In addition, I’d like to know your thoughts on Chapter 5, specifically whether it needs to be included. I had it primarily to establish the creation of the Void Knights (who you’ll meet later!) and explain the pseudo-physics of the Void in more detail. Let me know if it feels a bit info-dumpy. Cheers, AH16 Last Time: Having been banished from Heaven, Hellas travelled to the forests of the Mor’kai Scrios. He trained with his master, attempted to master the Eighteenth Sphere, the most powerful techniques in existence, but struggled to do so. That evening he had a flashback of his life before he was “Hellas,” where he encountered Abaddon at the climax of the Great War, nearly six hundred years ago. At the same time, his exile was commuted and he was called back to Heaven to assist with an attack on a hellspawn army. Using his skill as a strategist, and fighting his PTSD, he guided the Host to rout the enemy quickly.