AuthorityHellas16

Is there still space for me to submit, Silk? Sorry about the late entry; hectic week for me this week

Very well written. The Celtic influence is very clear, but at the same time the magic is integrated nicely into it. I liked the characters, by and large, and the interactions between them were very good. The setting was well done; given the obvious Celtic influence, I had no problem imagining the surroundings. I like that you’re keeping us guessing about certain aspects of the story, which drags us along. Given that this is a short story, you should try and cut down some of the descriptions and dialogue. I don’t know where the story’s going (though I’m very excited to find out!), so I won’t presume to tell you what’s needed. Just be aware that you should try and make every word count especially when you’re writing to a limit. Speaking from experience, I cut my novel from 212k to 115k words, and I managed to pack in more information and stuff happening even after cutting all that fluff! This is much more important if you’re aiming for 15-20k words. I liked the characters largely, but Connor seemed a little bit of a blank slate; a mighty sellsword who works for the money and nothing else. I liked Emer and Gerri, and Donn was a beautifully written stuffy nobleman. I hope Connor has a little better motivation than “money,” just as I hope Gwydion has a different motivation to “power.” I’m willing to wait until the end, but at the moment these are the two least interesting characters to me. Can’t wait for more. Keep writing!

This is Scrios' story I mentioned above. Apologies for the crappy formatting. Does it clear up some of the problems?

Thanks for the comments as usual, everyone. Sorry I haven't replied; crazy week again, this week. I'll try and answer some of your bigger queries, so sorry for the incoming wall of text (as usual). My magic system was originally a bit like LotR, but I didn't find that satisfying. I've given it some rules, but perhaps they weren't clear enough. I've had Hellas expound on them a little, and I'll make sure that they stay consistent throughout the novel going forward. As for the names, I guess it would be easier if I removed some of the names. "Sor" was basically hyperdense energy, so I got rid of that one. I explained that Scrios' Eighteenth Sphere were the most powerful techniques he had created. Any suggestions on ways to make the others less confusing? Close to fifty years ago, Hellas was found in the southern grasslands by Scrios and his dryads. He was taken back to Heaven, with no idea of his true name or his previous life. Occasionally he gets snippets that show him as an Okhar who was active during events over six hundred years before the events of the story. I'll make sure this is explained better This seems to be a problem that a lot of people have expressed, that the whole relationship between Mor, Abaddon, Damir, the Mor'kai, Elohim, the Okhar and the angels (geez, that's a lot) is unclear and messy. I've tried to remedy this by actually showing Scrios' story that he tells to the dryads, which aims to clear up some of the backstory. I'll post it below so you can see if it makes more sense. This is another problem you've all pinpointed, so thanks a heap for that. When I went back and read this, I was reminded of the list of Greek generals in the Iliad, where Homer lists who each general is (I think there's about fifty of them), where they come from and how many soldiers they'd brought to Troy. Suffice to say I too was bored stiff! I'll take rohyu's advice and incorporate it into the battle. Rohyu is right here. I wanted to have a new take on the classic hero's roles. I've found that heroes tend to lead from the front (think: Aragorn) while matters of strategy are left to either weaklings (Lelouch from Code Geass) or comic-relief characters (Sokka from Avatar: the Last Airbender). I wanted Hellas to be a badass who's most powerful weapon was his mind, while Michael and Catherine were much more of the lead-from-the-front type soldiers. I'll add some dialogue for this before the battle to make the difference clearer. I also deliberately made the battle anticlimactic to try and show Hellas' mastery of strategy. I did this because later on there are battles that he wins either by luck or by heavy sacrifices. I thought establishing him as a strategic badass would increase the impact of those battles. Robinski, you really have a problem with my protagonist don't you! All joking aside, the first quote was, at least for me, what dialogue between close friends is like. You're friendly with your mates, but those who you trust above all others are the ones you laugh at when they fall down the stairs. I guess that's what I was going for here. In addition, I've talked to a couple of soldiers who've seen active duty and they say that ribbing and teasing are a common way to ease stress, especially before deployment to an operation. As for the second one, it was sort of an offhand bit of dialogue. But after your comment, I figured that I could actually make it an indicator of how deadened Hellas is to conflict, in that he says it while looking at the dead Host soldiers. I think that could be a powerful image. Thanks again for all the commentary. The comments I haven't talked about will all be fixed in short order. Look forward to giving you the next installment! Also, Merry Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa or any other festive holiday!!

Thanks for the feedback, Shrike. No need to worry about it being "harsh," because that's often the best criticism. I think a lot of things I've already improved, but I'll go through them with you and hopefully it'll improve your impression of my story The reason for the propaganda was that a lot of angels have defected to Lucifer's side over the course of the war, so the Inquisition encourages the people to police themselves, turning Heaven into a sort of Airstrip One-lite place. The idea was to make it a lot more unpleasant than the "Heaven" everyone thinks of. That was very deliberate. I wanted there to be a strange combination of futuristic and archaic, given that the angels have access to magic that would make much of the technology we use as humans. I have changed this, so that the reason he's being punished is much more explicit. Again, this was quite deliberate. I guess I'm much more of a fan of the slow-build, of revealing information piece-by-piece and having it all come together at a later date. I did have pages and pages of world-building in a previous draft, but it really slowed things down and started to resemble a crap version of that list of Greek generals and their troops in the Iliad (a.k.a REALLY boring). So I cut it and decided to sprinkle in details as they became relevant, while giving enough of an image of the setting to allow the story to continue. Was there a glaring example that particularly offended you? This is something that I have changed, but thanks for reinforcing it. I added a short section towards the end of the prologue that showed Hellas drinking to recover from his flashback, which I believe shows the underlying reason for his needing to drink (and thus, his constant butting of heads with Heaven's government). I also had him actually talk to his Fireblades, where a little more information was given on his motivations and his dedication to keeping the city safe. Thanks again for the feedback. Hope you really enjoy the rest of it (and it improves for your tastes!)

Hi all, Here’s the next instalment of When Good Angels Do Nothing. As always, any and all feedback is welcomed with open arms. Sorry about going slightly over the word limit. AH16 Last Time: Hellas was arrested by the Inquisition and found guilty of possessing and consuming alcohol and interacting with “criminal elements,” for which he was expelled from the city for one year. After saying goodbye to his friends, Hellas left Heaven with his pet Fire Sprite Rakha and entered the Middle Kingdom. Hellas travelled to the forests of his old friend, the Mor’kai Scrios. After an intense argument about his actions, and what his deceased wife Jessica would have thought, Scrios leaves Hellas alone to rest. NB. The flashback to Hellas’ encounter with Abaddon in Chapter 3 originally showed the destruction of Hellas’ Fourth Company (available on the Chapter 1 & 2 thread). Following feedback that Hellas’ recollections about his previous life should be spaced out, I switched the two episodes. That is why you may read the same flashback twice.

Haha, thanks Robinski. I'll keep that in mind

Thanks for the feedback, rdpulfer! Happily, many of the mistakes or improvements you pointed out have been corrected, but thanks for reinforcing the need to change them I'm glad you thought this. I'm still concerned that some people will be offended when I had the main characters call Elohim an incompetent idiot (which will come more to the fore later). But hopefully as you keep reading you'll stay in your current, non-offended state To my mind this is unavoidable, as I couldn't spend too much time in the Void (because that'd be pointless), but I had to justify how these otherworldly beings could transport themselves to Earth. Hopefully that little detail will be cleared up as the book goes on. Thanks for pointing this out. I never really was happy with Lucifer's jaw dropping (I think there may be too much of that here), and I'll definitely take note of the "eye narrowing" for future reference. I fixed this by rewriting the whole starting segment from Lucifer's perspective, having the Big Bad (Abaddon) whisper thoughts into his mind. I felt that made it flow better. As a side effect, it also made me get rid of Lucifer's gobsmacked expression. Again, I wasn't happy with this either, because even to me it was a little confusing. I've changed it so that Hellas uses a rune to drain Lucifer's energy, incapacitating him and allowing Hellas to escape back into the Void. I think that's a clearer way of doing it, while also giving an early introduction to the magic system. I have completely reworked this section, so that Michael isn't so obstructive. I've also made the transition a lot more explicit so it's clearer. Thanks I've gotten around this issue by changing the WWI sequence to the Massacre of the Latins, the mob-instigated murder of tens of thousands of Catholics by Orthodox civilians in 12th Century Constantinople. This pre-dates Dante's Inferno, as well as John Milton's Paradise Lost, which is where much of the Satan = Lucifer idea came from, so it makes chronological sense. Thanks . I hope you'll keep enjoying it

Thanks for the feedback rdpulfer. A lot of good points here. I guess at this point the flashbacks to Hellas' past life are meant to be a little confusing, like pieces of a puzzle that only come together a lot later. If you're critiquing the actual use of the words "I fell," then that's easily rectified Truth be told I wanted there to be more "archangels" than simply the big three (Michael + Gabriel + Raphael), as I thought that would give the story a bit more spice and variety. I'm glad you appreciate that This was slightly intentional, given the amount of world building I wanted to cram into this chapter. I thought that it would be more rewarding if details about Hellas' past and character were to be revealed gradually over the course of the novel. I have added a little bit of dialogue when Hellas is saying goodbye to his friends before he leaves ("show don't tell") that shows despite his disagreements with the Council he is completely devoted to protecting the city. I guess I'm aiming for a variation on this trope. As you'll see, Hellas is mostly a reformed alcoholic (he spent a few months doing nothing but drinking), and only uses alcohol to calm himself down after a particularly vivid nightmare or during battle, where he can't allow himself to freak out. Otherwise he tends to avoid it, mainly because of his promise to Jessica. I'm also trying to focus more on his healing process and moving away from alcohol dependence than having his alcoholism become a permanent part of his character. Thanks for the feedback. Sorry for the late reply, it's been a crazy week: graduation, grad party and then the girlfriend had to head into hospital for a knee operation.

Welcome Eisenheim! Looking forward to reading your novella! Silk, if someone else wants to submit, I'll happy cease my run as "that guy"

Thanks for the critique Comatose! I'm very conscious of how info-dumpy this can be. I've tried to spread it out as best I could, something that was helped by moving the repeat flashback to a later chapter and replacing it with a more recent flashback (see: above). Any other tips you reckon? This is a good idea, as it follows the "show don't tell" rule. The only thing is that alcohol is very illegal in Heaven (it's quite a puritanical place, unsurprisingly.) For Hellas to be publicly intoxicated would be incredibly stupid. What I have done, though, is changed the end of the prologue so that Hellas scrambles to drink to calm himself down, showing why he is dependent on the alcohol for his PTSD. I think that's fairly effective. What do you think? Happily, both of these issues have been corrected . Hellas claims to be trying to get the Council to be more aggressive against Lucifer, since their current attitude allows him plenty of time to search the Void and summon Abaddon back to the world. However, Scrios shuts that down - and Matthew alludes to it earlier - exposing Hellas' antics as an ineffectual, childish tantrum. Hellas gets better, though Thanks for your feedback! Look forward to submitting more in the coming weeks

Hey Comatose, Loved this work, really did. I think you nailed the carefree, innocent nature of the children, and I'm very interested to see how Naiyu develops as a character. The spirits were very cool and I look forward to seeing how they affect the story. I'm also very interested in Deneya as well. I think your decision to make Kimerak a dragon (I had images of Maleficent's dragon form from the old Sleeping Beauty animated film, for some reason) is a much more effective way of creating a sinister atmosphere than saying "she looked sinister." The foreshadowing was also not to blatant, while piquing my interest. Mandamon has answered the questions you wanted perfectly (as usual), so I won't add anything there. My only other feedback is to watch the personal pronoun use vs. name use, particularly at the start. I'm surprised Robinski hasn't come and beaten you over the head with his grammar stick! Repetitive use of Naiyu and Inah can cause the prose to be clunky at times. Otherwise it's really good. Look forward to reading more. Keep writing!

I know, I get a bit uncomfortable with the length of my posts sometimes! However, most of the time I give info that I accidentally left out of the submission. I wanted to gauge your reaction to the corrections when I add in the missing info. I also make a habit of adjusting the manuscript to reflect this, so it all makes sense. Hopefully when it's all said and done, the reader won't have any of these questions because I've corrected them (thanks to you! ) Thanks rohyu, I'm thrilled you like it . I'm working on making Hellas less whiny and more sympathetic, while maintaining his deeply flawed nature Fear not, for there are plenty of huge battles to come

I'm looking forward to making Scholomancer a weekly ritual, so make sure you hurry back! If absolutely no one else is submitting, I'd happily continue my role as "that guy" and submit again this week. But if we're getting a flood of submissions I'll happily cede my spot to someone else Also, just for future reference, are we allowed to go a little over the 5000 word limit? I find combining chapters will sometimes put me around 5,300 or so. I'm happy to submit these separately, but I'd just like to know how much over is "too much."

This is the flashback from the next chapter. I've put it here because I'm in the process of switching it and the flashback in chapter 1 and I'd rather not resubmit the chapters.

Always a pleasure to have you comment, Robinski! Appreciate your comments, and thanks for bringing up so many great points (which everyone on this forum seems to be full of!) I'm glad you're engaged with the story, that's very gratifying to me as a writer! And thanks again for tearing Hellas apart; I want to create a compelling hero, and the fact that you find him otherwise means that a few things need to be changed. To a certain degree, Hellas' actions here are meant to seem unsympathetic and selfish; he deliberately skirts authority and betrays Heaven's laws in many ways just to spite those in charge, because he hates the way they run the war (further explanation below). But Scrios' whole point was that his acting out is childish. His transition away from this, and towards a far nobler, more focussed, goal, is a major part of his development. However, the reason he drinks in the first place is because he is suffering from very serious PTSD, and alcohol helps him calm down. He was one of the few survivors when the Host Company he was in charge of was ambushed and decimated by hellspawn, and then a few short years later he lost his wife. That, combined with being a centrepiece of Heaven's defence against the hellspawn, has shattered his psyche and forced him to alcohol to cope (he has to drink to calm himself during every battle, which is shown later). So while you're not wrong calling his actions whiny and childish, there is a reason behind them. My solution to fixing this problem is explained below. Yeah, that was meant to be a surprise. Making Elohim an Okhar that has been deified by His brothers and sisters, as well as the angels He created, made Him much more fallible; if God was omnipotent and infallible, there would be no problems and no reason to rebel, right? This isn't really something that's explained, so I should perhaps point that out sooner. This relates to my point above about Hellas' PTSD. In the next chapter there's a flashback to the moment when his Company was ambushed and slaughtered. If I were to swap it with the flashback in this chapter, that solves a number of problems: 1) the reader stay with the characters and the setting we know, preventing the info-dump feeling 2) the reader get some sense of Hellas' deep-seated emotional trauma, which provides justification for him acting out (slightly) 3) The text at the start of the chapter can settle, giving the repetition more impact. What do you think? This is an editing issue. I had the guard (Stephen) explain Hellas' crimes to him when he was jailed, but I cut it without a second thought. I'll add that detail in somewhere so it makes more sense. I guess this is really where the story starts to drift away from its biblical influence and becomes its own story. I also figured that Rakha's appearance would be a good way to allow the reader to breathe and step away from the heavy content up to this point. Is there a better way to do it, you reckon? Yeah, this is a good point. I'll soften the strength of this statement to make the Host seem more competent The explanation is that Lucifer can search for Abaddon who is trapped in the Void; Abaddon is a being of such great power that once he returns (unless the good guys have a massive army and a great plan) everyone will be toast. I should add this in by way of explanation. Thanks for pointing this out. One of the things I really tried to avoid here is "Wangst," that is whiny, unnecessary angst from the main character, because like you said, it makes them seem much less heroic. I reckon if we have a little more context here that might help, but I'll probably tone down Hellas' complaining. Haha, absolutely no worries. I'm a bit of a grammar Nazi too in my own way. Please comment on grammar wherever you find it; I'd be willing to wager a few slipped through the cracks. Thanks for all your feedback, both positive and negative. I'm thrilled that you're engaging with the story, yet still able to poke enough holes in it I could market it as a New English cheese (bonus points if you got that reference ). I look forward to submitting more in the coming weeks

Hi again, Mandamon. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked the direction of the story. Hopefully that continues I mainly included the prologue to provide worldbuilding and introducing some of the major characters. I also wanted to give the war between Heaven and the hellspawn a bit of context, explaining Lucifer's goals and motivations and making him a somewhat sympathetic villain (which would be difficult given his name and the connotations it carries). It also allowed me to introduce elements such as the magic system without resorting to infodumps later on (which I HATE). The hook at the end of the prologue was meant to run straight into the first chapter. Did the change seem jarring to you? Is there a way I could make this clearer? I'm glad you like the flashbacks. Basically, in terms of formatting I took a leaf out of Brandon Sanderson's book (pun intended). Just as he prefaces every chapter in the Mistborn trilogy with a historical record that becomes significant at the end of the book, I'm prefacing every "part" with a flashback from Hellas' forgotten past. In an earlier draft I sprinkled these through the story proper but I found them to be clunky and slow down the story. This first flashback Hellas has repeats segments from the introduction to establish right from the onset what those prefaces are. Was that clear, or can it be improved? Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for. Heaven is much more of a "sufficiently-advanced technology" with biological-based "magic," rather than anything supernatural. It does now . I changed the prologue to explicitly mention Abaddon as the Bigger Bad behind Lucifer's actions. Hopefully that makes it clearer. There's a lot more to come! The whole manuscript is ~116k words (after some major cutting), spread out over 44 chapters. So there's a lot still to come. I'm thrilled you like it so far

I'm coming into this fairly late, but I was really sucked in by the story (I should go back and read some of the older entries to get some context). On its own merits, I liked the content here. The dialogue was entertaining and the characters jumped out as being quite well formed. By and large, I liked the prose and I'm very interested to follow the story and see how Rewer's betrayal affects the characters. The biggest issue to me personally was a combination of repetition of names and phrases and a lack of personal pronoun use. I saw "Stephanie" repeated a lot when it was clear who was the focus of attention, and a "her" would have allowed the writing to flow more. Also, one tip I stole from the Writing Excuses website as well as some other users here, is to watch the dialogue tags. Particularly in the conversation between Stephanie and Bannister in the Oldsmobile, you could probably get rid of most of the dialogue tags there, which again would allow it to flow. Another tip I stole from Writing Excuses was the hook at the end of chapter 45. Granted, I don't know if Stephanie's location has been mentioned or revealed before, but the guys on the podcast suggested revealing details about the twist before the chapter ends, rather than later on. This would be very difficult if it's not a location already known (or easily summed up e.g. Rewer's torture chamber), but if possible, it would make the dire straights Stephanie has found herself in resonate more. Finally, a third tip from the podcast (can you tell I have no original advice to give ), is to vary the sensations of your characters. You have the characters experiencing a lot of things purely through sight. It might spice things up if you tinkered with the other senses. For example, when Rewer is revealed to be the Buyer (which was a nicely delivered reveal, by the way), you could mention the stink of his bandages (he is a mummy, right?). You could have Renfield taste blood in his mouth after the pounding he gets from the hunters. Just little things to make the characters seem more than words on a page. Overall, I really liked it, and I look forward to seeing where it goes. Keep writing!

Hi all, Thanks for the great feedback on the prologue of "When Good Angels Do Nothing.” Attached is the first two chapters of the book proper. As always, any and all feedback on characters, world building, establishment of promises etc. will be welcomed with open arms. Last Time: The traitorous Archangel Lucifer escorted the Okhar (Archangel) Hellas to Earth and attempted to sway him to the side of the Fallen. Hellas refused when he realised Lucifer had been corrupted by Abaddon, the Devourer and most powerful of the Demon Gods. Hellas escaped back to Heaven and was able to defeat Lucifer’s legions of Fallen angels with the help of Michael, the Imperator of the Heavenly Host, and Catherine, commander of the elite Steel Hawks Legion. Lucifer was stopped only moments before he could kill the Trinity and expelled from Heaven. Twelve years later, Hellas awakens to find that he is being placed under arrest by Heaven’s secret police, the Inquisition.

Thanks for the feedback and the welcome, Robinski. Don't worry about being "harsh" with your comments; I love getting any and all feedback. Happily, I think I've fixed a lot of the problems you pointed out, though you've raised some useful (and helpful) points. This is a really interesting issue and not one that I'd ever considered, so thanks for bringing it up. I'll try and explain my rationale for some of these points. Hopefully a lot of this will become clearer as the book goes on; I really wanted the prologue to be the part that makes the reader interested, and fill in some of the gaps later. Hellas' insubordinate traits are something that are part of his character in the present (12 years after the prologue) and I really should tone it down a bit in the prologue, make him a little more respectful to those around him. In particular, the timeline of the story (which was quite murky when I wrote this) states that he doesn't hate the Trinity until only a couple of years before the main storyline, after ten years of war. This is something I should change, so thanks for pointing it out. As for his relationship with Michael, the two have been close friends for most of Hellas' life. Hellas is a hyper-competent soldier who has been waylaid by a jealous and ineffective commander (something I think Lucifer mentioned, but I'm not sure if I cut it from the submitted version). My rationale for having Hellas be very familiar with someone as highly ranked as Michael was that a) they know each other so well that it would feel odd to have Hellas stand on ceremony and given that the city is burning around them, I felt that things like protocol would kind of fall by the wayside until they got a handle on the situation. I'm sure there are ways to write this better, so thanks for bringing it up. Hellas' OP-ness has been brought up a number of times, and it's clear that it was something I needed to fix. I made Michael play more of a role in saving the Trinity (he kills Lucifer's bodyguards single-handedly), and explained why Michael uses his sword; he can use Forging but he prefers to fight with his sword. And yes, to say that Hellas' life after the prologue goes to hell in a handbasket would be a gross understatement. Him learning to trust and respect others and not having to control everything is a part of his character development. Both of these things have been fixed, but I feel I should run the solutions by you: - I changed the Lucifer-takes-Hellas-to-Earth episode to be from Lucifer's POV. That way, I could show, rather than tell, the voice of the Big Bad that directs his actions, and provide an insight into his underlying motivations. - Heaven in this story has existed for over five hundred years, and has never had a major uprising. I assumed that after that period of time, the army would be more ceremonial than actually effective, and there would be no countermeasures to guard against a disturbance. A similar thing happened to the Samurai caste in Edo-period Japan, as well as to the fictional alien Ildirans in Kevin J. Anderson's Saga of the Seven Suns. I've highlighted how woefully unprepared the Host are in the updated version, so hopefully this makes more sense. Thanks for the comment; this is something that I do quite a lot, so I should re-examine when and where I use the sidebars. These are all really good points that I had never even considered! I can probably explain them all with a bit of dialogue or extra wording here or there. In summary: 1) This could be changed easily so that the Trinity hides, allowing Lucifer to talk to Hellas and Michael. 2) I should provide a glimpse of the Host's counterstroke against the rebels when Michael and Hellas travel to the Temple 3) Easily changed to "led the defence," as he was one of the more important commanders in the early days of the war. Thanks again for the comments. I'm submitting the first two chapters this week, so I hope that you enjoy where the adventure goes :)

I'd like to submit again as well, but I don't want to be *that guy* who hogs a spot every week. Is it okay?

Thanks for the feedback, Comatose! After I submitted the chapter and received some feedback from the other fine folks here, I actually went back and reviewed the chapter. I came to similar conclusions after reading it, so you'll be happy to hear that a lot of your comments have already been changed (e.g. Michael having to be forced out of his bed). I'm glad you think this; I wanted to make the angels as human as possible to make them more relatable. Therefore, they bleed, feel and react much in the same way that humans do. In an earlier draft I was much more metaphorical with the angels, making them humanoid beings with powers (sort of like the Maiar in Lord of the Rings) and God as an analogue. Eventually, though, I thought it was all getting a bit too obvious and decided to cut out the middle man. I figure this makes them more interesting anyway. I'm glad this is the effect of that cliffhanger; I structured it deliberately so that's how it would feel. I should also give credit to Brandon Sanderson that there even is a magic system. Before I read his Mistborn books and learned about his three laws of magic, Forging was just splattered in without any explanation. But it's so much more satisfying to work within the limits of a rigid system. I'd encourage anyone inventing a magic system to ensure it has checks, balances and rules. This is probably the biggest change I'll have to make. Hellas is meant to be incredibly powerful even though he's a junior enlisted man in the Host (there's a reason for that), but Michael is meant to be the better fighter. I'll need to emphasise that better. Thanks for going through the chapter with a fine tooth comb. I always miss things that don't make sense (the curse of the writer, really). This is certainly something I've never thought about so thanks for pointing it out. I can definitely be more careful (and I think I have later on) with the sentence structure. I guess one saving grace is that "Hell" is not used as a formal name for a place; the equivalent domain of evil is called "World's End." The evil chaotic-evil foot soldiers are called "hellspawn," but maybe that's an acceptable enough difference so it's not confusing. And yes, the name is important. You may notice that "Hellas" is a bit of a weird name when contrasted with names like "Michael," or "Catherine." This is a plot point This was an artefact when I was writing more third-person omniscient. It's since been changed to align with Hellas' POV. Thanks again for you're feedback. I hope the rest of the book is as interesting.

NB. I did some quick reading on the origins of "Lucifer," being equated with the Devil in biblical verse. The only mention of "Lucifer" in the old testament was in Isaiah14:12, where it is thought that the word actually refers to the morning star (Venus), which was its original use before it was combined as a name for the fallen angel/devil in texts like Dante's Inferno (14th Century CE), John Milton's Paradise Lost and the King James Bible (16th Century CE). Before that Satan was the name of the Devil in Christianity, while in Judaism, Ha'Satan referred to "the Accuser" the one who tests the will of humans for God (most prominently seen in the Book of Job). All this means that rather than having the battle at WWI, I could change the battle to any bloody event before the 14th Century and have it make sense from a chronological setting. The Massacre of the Latins in 12th Century Constantinople could be a good setting to use. Do you think I'm overthinking it? Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucifer https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Massacre_of_the_Latins

Thanks so much for the feedback, guys. I'll try and answer your queries without too many spoilers. Happily, many of the things you mentioned are plot points that will be addressed later. That's a good pick up, Mandamon. The Trinity are incredibly powerful Forgers who have ruled the angels and Okhar ("archangels") for thousands of years. However, as rohyu noted, their apathy is a major plot point and the major source of motivation behind Lucifer's (and later Hellas') actions. It was very deliberate that they don't give a flying fart that their city is under attack. As for Michael, in my head he relies more on his sword and skill than on magic. I should make a better emphasis of that, so thanks This is something that I never noticed, so thank you for pointing it out. In my head, Hellas and Michael only arrived moments after Lucifer busted into the Temple. I should make that clearer. In an older version of the prologue, I mentioned that Hellas' dream took place twelve years before the present, and the war between Heaven and the hellspawn has been going for over a decade. I've been doing an exercise where I cut 10% from each chapter during my revision, an idea I stole from the Writing Excuses podcast. I must have cut it out, so sorry for the confusion. I'll make sure that's clearer. This is a really interesting question, and something that I hope will become clearer over the course of the book. I'll give the short version here: Heaven, Earth and the Middle Kingdom (which we'll see later) are all connected by the Void, which is the "space between spaces." The angels have developed technology that allows them to traverse the Void and reach these "alternate planes." In that way, it's sort of like the Bifrost in Thor (though I never thought of it in that way). Time is flexible in the Void (similar to the Warp in Warhammer 40K), but the Void Gates allow the angels to travel along the fastest "currents" to get to where they need. This gets more exposition later, but I thought that for a prologue, explaining the pseudo-science would bog the action down. Do you think it's too confusing? As for the bodies, pitchforks and the rest of it, I was trying to make the characters relatable by making them familiar. In the Bible, there's a passage where an angel appeared as a man with six wings and four heads, which is why the first thing it says is "be not afraid." I figured that having angels like that would be a) very difficult to write and very hard for a reader to empathise with. I'm basically taking the "God made humans in His image" thing and running with it! Also, I had not thought about the confusion that this would throw up between our knowledge of the Bible or other religious texts and the story. Much like rohyu, I imagined that certain parts of the Bible, like Jesus (or Logos) coming down to Earth and preaching peace did happen (I even throw Doubting Thomas in there!). But otherwise humanity evolved on its own. Therefore, things like WWI, WWII and all the atrocities and wars in history were very much human-driven, with the name of God and the angels thrown in for justification. However, stories like Lucifer's fall were written before they actually happened. I guess one way I could change this would be to have it as an ancient conflict, taking place before the emergence of Christianity. What do you think? In my head, I was basically taking characters and elements of the Bible I could play with and creating my own story out of them. What I've tried to do is give angels their own story; every similar book I could find had humans as the primary characters and angels in a spirit-advisor-type role. Humans are only mentioned once or twice in the book and never seen again. In the earlier drafts, I was sort of going for a third-person omniscient, but I figured it got too confusing. This POV change is an artefact of that, so I should change it. Thanks for pointing it out, Mand. Thanks for the feedback rohyu. The confusion about Lucifer is a plot point, but perhaps it could have been explained better. Prior to his coup, Lucifer orchestrated a hostage situation imprisoning dignitaries from other nations (who you'll meet later). He made it seem like he was one of the victims to avoid suspicion. Hellas and Catherine discovered the truth when they saved the dignitaries, but because of Lucifer's high standing in Heaven (he's Elohim's favourite), they decided that no one would believe a couple of junior officers in the Host and had to wait until he showed his hand. TL;DR: they knew he was up to something, but they didn't know what or why and had no way to convince anyone else. Is it too ambiguous? Michael and Lucifer are best buds and have been for thousands of years, so they chat. I should make this clearer (sensing a pattern here?). The whole "today" thing could probably be deleted. Lucifer's advance into the Temple should be cleared up as well. He's a powerful archangel (Elkhar) and he had the element of surprise, since the Host was sleeping outside the city and there was almost no security. I can easily take more time to explain that. In my head, Lucifer wanted to kill as many politicians before getting to the Trinity, hence his barging through the front door and slaughtering everyone. Thanks for the amazing feedback, guys! I'm so excited to have new faces reading this stuff. I'll have a lot of revision of this prologue to do, thanks to you. And sorry for the Great-Wall-of-China of text. I can't wait to read your work, as soon as I'm added to the mailing list. :)

Hi all, My name is AuthorityHellas16 and I’ve been working on this epic “science fantasy mash-up” work for about five years now. It's about an angel who rebels against his God and government, but knows he has to fight the Devil as well. Obviously, given the subject matter and the characters, this work has strong religious and anti-religious overtones. I want to emphasise that this is not meant to be a pedestal from which I can beat you over the head with my opinions; it’s meant to be about the nature of good and evil and a character recovering from a lifetime of trauma. If anyone has significant feelings about religious themes (mainly Christian, but it could affect any monotheistic religion) please tell me if this particularly offends you; I’d like to make it as non-threatening as possible. Thanks for the feedback. I’m very excited to have people read this at last. AuthorityHellas16