Marci

Previously, on Broken Universe: The otherworldly powers Baxter Phelps developed as a teen have left him mentally scarred. He’s learned to cope through self-medication, and using his powers to cheat his way through life as much as possible. Despite this, he feels like things might be looking up for him. Then a transdimensional portal appears nearby while he’s wrapping up a successful hunting trip in the woods, and the portal’s appearance triggers the return of a slew of confusing and incomplete memories. One of the things he remembers is that someone with an axe to grind is looking for him. So, he hightails it out of the woods to enlist help while still remembering why he needs it in the first place… -- Ugh. I hate writing recaps. Same drill as last time. I’m looking for feedback on character development, story pacing, and wordsmithing. I cut the crap out of this thing based on feedback from Part 1, so hopefully I did a little better with the purple prose. I know the casual/conversational style I use in parts of the narration is a bit much for some of you; I tried to dial that back a little, as well. I hope you enjoy Chapter 1, Parts 2-3 of Broken Universe. I look forward to your comments!

Count me in for today, too. Mine might run a little over, maybe 500 words or so, but I'm not sure because I'm still editing as we speak.

True, true. I've just recently learned how to keep myself writing even if there's research needed. Scrivener helps with that. I simply make a note and move on (though it triggers my OCD like whoa), whereas before I would get lost in hours of research. Being in marketing, research is kind of my bag. Or a sickness, maybe. That describes my affliction much better.

First off, I enjoyed this a lot. I'm glad you snuck it in yet this week. I kind of wonder if the first scene could be cut entirely? Paul's point of view is much more interesting, and the way you introduce us to him would have more impact than the current opening scene, I think. Don't get me wrong, your description of the handoff with the girl was as chilling as it was compelling, but Paul's story is even more so (for me, anyway). Actually, the second non-Paul POV could probably be cut without losing much, too. Is there another way to insert the pertinent backstory about the NEU via Paul's POV? I did get a bit lost at the end of the first bit of dialog between Marie and Paul, before the action kicks in. Then I got really lost, but the second read-through was much better for me. I think you could clarify some when it's the NEU feeding him info, or expand a little up front on how that works, exactly. Right away you hint that the NEU's installation wasn't his choice... Is he also somehow compelled to serve as a police officer? In that case, is he technically still military? I got lost in the big action scene during the first read-through; again, the second read-through went a lot better. Much of the disorientation I felt while reading this was good, I think, and lends itself well to the subject matter. Throughout the entire piece, Paul simply appears to react rather than act. There's not a lot of independent thought or emotion in him, even when he's joking with his colleagues, which I think works great overall. The girl he killed in the bedroom... Did she have a gun, or not? The NEU was silent here, so yet again protocol wasn't followed. Paul's odd, one-sided relationship with Marie... The only quibble I have with this is Paul seems so detached, that I have a hard time understanding how Marie could form a real attachment with him outside of the physical. Nice touch, here. I want to know why they had to switch off the NEU. I get the impression that Paul is still being controlled by the military in some fashion, so wouldn't they (or couldn't they) just feed him false information to throw he and Marie off the trail? It seems odd to me that they'd simply switch him off, because it waves a ginormous red flag that they're involved in whatever it going on with the organ harvests. But if the military is able to feed Paul false information through the NEU, it would make for a killer unreliable narrator. So, yeah, pretty darn awesome. I want to read more in this universe!

That really is the hardest part for me, outside of the procrastination and giving myself permission to suck. I've cut back on television almost entirely (just a couple shows on weekends), and I'm not devouring books at quite the same clip I used to. I've started writing on my lunch breaks, and get down to it as soon as i get home from work. I just put on music and type until my husband gets home. I can usually get 4 solid hours in a night, if I'm lucky and stay focused.

Easier said than done, friend. I've been staring at a blank screen and its stupid, smug, blinking cursor all day. There used to be words, but I cut them. Then I went and edited my first chapter for awhile. Now I plan on going back to my cursor. Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you. Big. Heavy. Sigh.

Thanks for reading, Mandamon! Heh. Yeah, I've actually heard that from other folks before. My work here is done. I'll go back and see what I can do from a clarity standpoint. Thanks for that. Yep. As Shrike said, excess is excess. I'll be more ruthless with my edits in the future. Thanks again for reading. I appreciate your time and the feedback you've given. Looks I've got my work cut out for me!

Hey there! Overall, I enjoyed the piece. It kept me reading and wondering exactly how this world of yours worked, what Ashley's deal is, how the bar works (and how the spirits understand how it works) and whether or not Courtney is also one of the dead/undead. The theme I got from this is that anything is better than being bored/feeling nothing. Because of how Courtney approaches her bar patrons, I'd like there to be a more positive spin put on this message. I'll keep reading, should you decide to share more with the group. As far as the wordsmithing is concerned, be on the lookout for unnecessary details (something I'm guilty of, myself), as well as preposition abuse. In places your words tend to sprawl out, describing settings and action in a roundabout fashion. I'd also take a look at your dialog to see how you can tighten that up, as well. You tended to repeat certain words and phrases, especially in the dialog between Courtney and the Union soldier. The only other quibble I have is with lack of character description. Ashley in particular comes off as robotic to me, rather than depressed. I'd like you to show me more body language and tone. If she feels alive when she's fighting, I want to see it! I've taken your .doc into Google docs and made far more detailed comments and suggestions on a line-by-line basis. Would you like me to email you the link? In all, I think you've got a great start here! Thanks so much for sharing.

Thanks so much for reading! Because being a shiftless apathetic loser was never part of the original plan. The dude's life derailed just when it was getting started. I do hint at this toward the end of the submission, when his failed freshman year at IU is mentioned. The only reason he was able to attend at all was because of scholarships and grants. I do delve into this sooner rather than later, when the childhood friend shows up. Thank you very much! I appreciate your feedback.

Another good chapter! I'm not bothered by the mention of urination. Girls do, you know, urinate and stuff. Especially upon waking, when it's most likely to be an urgent need. It wasn't a detailed detail, if you catch my drift, so I wouldn't worry about it much. Others pointed out the awkwardness of this part. I might just say "Why are you sleeping out here?" or something like that. I actually did this when I was a kid. My dad always knew I was sick for real if he found me camped out on the couch instead of in bed. To this day I can't sleep in my own bed when I'm ill. /needless personal detail Randomosity: I like the first reverent, incredulous mention of angels. It helps form a better idea of the world Giselle inhabits. Giselle shows how insightful she is by noticing how adults can be so false in their concern for each other. The "May angels always shine light upon your family" part with the requisite reply reminded me of my Catholic friends and family... "Peace be with you" — "And also with you." I felt Giselle and her mother's sadness acutely, there at the end. I look forward to seeing/hearing more about these angels, and finding out where Leni's wandered off to!

Hello! *waves* As a member of the YA Appreciation Society, I very much enjoyed the submission. I'll outline points below: The Technical Stuff: Pretty much flawless and easy to read. You're speaking at the YA audience level without speaking down to them. What you have here is something a kid of any age can enjoy. Giselle: I got the feeling she was 11 or 12. She reminded me a lot of my oldest niece, which is what helped me come to this conclusion. I love how hassled and resentful she feels, along with her mother's gentle reminders to keep the 'tude in check. Heh. I don't have sprogs of my own, but with my crazy-big family, I'm around them enough to recognize Giselle's fit of pique over her sister's lack of contribution toward chores, family life, everyone else being sooooo concerned with Leni when Leni is obviously faking her illness, etc. Kids, man! Family Life: I liked getting a good glimpse of what Giselle's family life is like. It seems full of toil, if not quiet—which I'm already convinced won't last for long! Reyna: Sometimes you need a good friend who'll instruct you to stop being such a donkey's tail end. I like her take on the Leni situation. Leni's Pregnancy: Eeep! This is exactly the kind of detail a girl Giselle's age would be stunned to hear. Leni might be older, but she's still the her sister. I also get the feeling that while Giselle resents her older sister, she also looks up to her, which is why she feels the resentment so keenly. Also, seriously, Giselle comes off as a little bit of a control freak, which I identify with oh, so much. I laughed at this line: It didn't bother me that Leni didn't physically show up in this chapter. She's almost like a specter, a symbol of Giselle's frustration, if only because she feels as if her sister has betrayed her by not leaning on and confiding in her any longer. Her sister has outpaced her, has left her behind, and it hurts! Overall, I feel this was a very successful opening. You're feeding us just the right amount of information, and you're moving the story along just fine, IMHO. I look forward to reading the next part!

DARN. It just occured to me I should've worded the summary differently. "Baxter Phelps remembers he is both hunter and hunted."

You're the best. Thanks for being my first review.

Thank you very much! I'm excited and happy to be here. Silk, I'd love to throw my name in again for next week, if there's room. Let me know! Thanks.

First of all, Shrike, thank you for taking time to read my submission. I'm glad the opening inspired you to keep reading. Hopefully I can keep delivering on the promise. Phew! Thanks, I'm glad I did well on some of the more techy technical stuff. You're right about excess. I'll try to keep diligent on this part. Baxter's character wanders and obsesses, and because of this I do in fact tend to get carried away. I've cut so much from my original draft of this chapter, and am now aware of more spots I can slice and dice to get a tighter read. A few minutes ago I cut 1,000 words from my next planned submission. Killing your darlings hurts, man. OMG YAY! I love that you thew out one of my favorite lines as one you appreciated in particular. Yes. This scene's end always bugged me, partly because I find it muddled, as well, but also because Baxter does exactly the thing he tells himself he isn't going to do, which is run. Heh. Baxter's amnesia is transient and very specific. I think that's all I'm going to detail for now. I actually reference Quantum Leap in this chapter (the "swiss cheese for memory" line), because it accurately describes what Baxter's got going on here. His grasp on certain aspects of his memory is fleeting, improving with direct and constant reminders. He only knows what he knows when he knows it. Amnesia does have its perks, however. I'm so glad you enjoyed this first submission. Like I said, I hope I continue to deliver on the promise I've already outlined. I appreciate your help.

Asmodemon, thank so much for your review. I haven't gotten the hang of quotes, I don't think, but I'll try to address some of the points you made. He's both things. He has a hard time determining what's real. His lack of focus is key to the story. I was in fact attempting to be deliberate here. When the forest goes quiet around him, Baxter is afraid he's lost his powers. So, when he "hears" the beetle, he's relieved, but also paranoid about the reasons why the world has been put on mute. Hence the investigation. Ugh. I thought I'd done okay with that. Care to cite an example for me? Thanks again for your comments! You've given me much to think about.

The stress simply comes from putting myself out there. Also, finally releasing this story into the wild (even in a limited capacity) with my name plainly attached to it. I have Adam Sandler's voice crying out in my head, "Noooo! They're all gonna laugh at you!" Heh. I'll survive... Especially if I concentrate on Chapter 3 edits rather than babysitting the forum for the next week.

Yay! \o/ Thanks much for letting me know.

Sooo... I didn't get copied on my submission email. Is this normal? Can someone please confirm it made its way out to the group? Thank you!

Thanks for starting this topic! I definitely need a hug. I just sent out my first submission, and holy crap—I'm freaking terrified. There ain't nothing like choking down a heaping helping of self-doubt over your lunch break. /o\

Hello! My name is Marci, and this is my first submission to the group. Thanks in advance for your time and any feedback/advice you’d like to offer. I’m looking for comments on character development, story pacing, and whether or not I’m doing okay on the wordsmithing front. While I write technical and marketing copy as part of my day job, I’m not degreed, nor do I have formal training, so I’m not sure how successful I am when writing creatively. This novel is an urban fantasy, primarily set in Northeast Indiana Amish country. As far as warnings are concerned, this excerpt—and future excerpts—feature explicit language, sexual situations, substance abuse, and violence. To clarify a bit, the sex isn’t as explicit as an anatomy lesson, but I don’t simply hand wave or gloss over things. I trust you’ll let me know if I’m out of bounds, here. The violence won’t be crazy, either; I flagged this chapter due to a graphic depiction of wild game being dressed after a hunt. So, with all that being said, if you’re offended by foul-mouthed alcoholic construction workers dwelling in rundown trailer parks, aging hippies peddling the best hydroponic marijuana found east of the Mississippi, consenting adults consenting enthusiastically, localized and/or obscure pop culture references, or rednecks enjoying so-called redneck pastimes (hunting/fishing/Coors Light/WWE/NASCAR), you’ll want to avoid this story. You’ve been warned. One-Sentence Story Summary: In a quiet Hoosier town, a directionless loser and his childhood friend must unravel the mystery of their past and master long-forgotten powers to save loved ones from a vengeful megalomaniac bent on destroying their universe. Chapter Summary: Baxter Phelps realizes he’s both hunter and hunted. Thanks again! I hope you enjoy. Marci

You think? Heh. Being a part of those workshops I mentioned helped thicken up my skin a bit, or at least assisted in my ability to accept criticism without wanting to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It was a near thing, though. I never wanted to share my creative writing with anyone until very recently. Part of my day job involves writing marketing/technical copy, but sharing the creative stuff makes me squirm a little. The creative stuff makes me happy in a way the marketing stuff does not, however. I'd love to be as successful writing creatively full-time as I am as a marketing guru, if that makes sense.

Ha! I do try, but don't be fooled. My capacity for procrastination is boundless.

Hello! *waves* My name is Marci. I'm 37, a child of the 80's/90's, a Marylander-turned-Hoosier, a Sanderson fan, and longtime listener of the Writing Excuses podcast. I readily admit I joined the forums so I could participate in Reading Excuses. I've been a member for awhile, flying under the radar and feeling out the group, and reading the wonderful submissions. I think I'm ready to participate, and am scheduled to send out my firt submission next Monday. I'm nervous, but also looking forward to it. I've been writing almost as long as I've been able to read. Back in the day, I was a representative for my elementary school in Indiana's "Young Authors" program, and am a bit embarrassed to admit my submissions for that were technically fanfiction. Some of the fandoms I unwittingly participated before the age of the internet were TMNT, Pern, Disney Afternoon, Spaceballs (I'm not going to discuss this, so don't even), and Catcher in the Rye. I was a regular contributor on the Prodigy network for awhile, mostly RP type stuff. After discovering the internet in the late 90's, I participated in the following fandoms: Xena, Harry Potter, Firefly, Dead Like Me, Iron Man, Riddick, Phantom of the Opera, Silver Metal Lover, and Barbara Hambly's Dog Wizard series (even though they frown on that type of thing (Sorry, Ms. Lee & Ms. Hambly.)). In between all the fanfic stuff, I wrote original fiction. When I was still on Prodigy, I made friends with a girl my age, and we became pen pals, doing a round robin type of thing for years where we sent chapters of a fantasy novel back and forth. The submissions I plan to make are a reimagining of that story. So, technically, the novel I'm submitting has been in the works since 1989.... Holy crap. Anyhow, I'm very pleased to be here. Next Monday I'm scheduled to make my first submission on my 30-years-in-the-making novel, and I'm nervous. I've belonged to two other workshop groups in the last year, but they didn't really work for me because of the genre (sci-fi/fantasy). The novel I'm submitting here is what I refer to as rural fantasy, as I'm setting it in my neck of the woods (northeast Indiana). I know the industry is flush with urban fantasy, but I hope you'll give my submission a chance. I'm so pleased to be here. Thank you for your time.

Thank you, Shrike, Robinski, and Silk! I'm excited (but also nervous) for next Monday to roll around. I have my first submission polished, formatted and ready to go. Now to write my intro so I can concentrate on critiquing this week's submissions.