TleeMcCllelan

Hey thanks so much for looking at this. You have given me a lot to think about and a lot to work with and i appreciate it.

First of all I really enjoyed your story. It made me laugh but it also had some heart. I got two of the characters mixed up from time to time. I think this was because both names started with an 'S' So i would be reading and trying to figure out if it was the little girl or the reporter for a second before it became obvious. Also it wasn't clear how the girl got to the factory. Did she have her parents take her or did the company find her and bring her in to try and connvince the bots not to kill themselves. All in all though I had alot of fun reading this.

I started this last week so this is a very rough first draft. Not entirely sure where i am going with this one it kinda took on a life of its own. anyway looking forward to your comments. Oh and I am giving it a small warning for violence (V) Basic outline Brinna and Mark are in hiding because of what Brinna is. They are discovered and Brinna makes a choice that may end in death.

I really liked how your magic systems seem to be built. Very interesting and great possibilities. I did however get a little confused as to how the sword worked. Was it his blood that fuels it or is it blood in general that makes it work. Second i think i agree that your characters need a system of beliefs to check their actions. Its obvious that Till feels guilty about what he did in the past, hence the soup kitchens ect... but this same regret is not presenting itself when he is killing people or speaking with his clients. I know your planning on doing something with this already, so I guess what i would consider is this if he was a thief in a former life his system might be a little skewed if only because in order to do things like steal or murder your mind would have to be able to reconcile your actions. So that might make some of his actions in the chapter things he might not have remorse over. Also when he is talking about building another orphanage it felt like he was doing what was sociably the correct thing to do when betraying ones country or commiting a crime. At first i thought maybe the nobles had a system of penances for misdeeds, say indulgences for crime. Just something that came to me as i was reading. I enjoyed reading this and I am looking forward to seeing what happens next.

If it is all right I would like to submit something for next monday.

Sorry about the late reply . Just read this piece. I love some of the ideas you are playing with but have to agree with some of the earlier commentors that it was a lot of work to read when we hopped between scenes. But for a first draft looking at going to a novella it seems like it could be expanded into something pretty awesome. The ending kinda threw me off though. He cares about her but his actions say otherwise. Her actions on the other had could be similar to the knife guys obsession. She does not see her actions as wrong or strange because of her fixation? Anyway great ideas and I am looking forward to reading more.

I really liked this chapter. It was paced really well and it kept me interested. The only thing that really stood out to me was the section where he meets the president. It felt a little heavy handed and depending on the way your story is intended to develop I was wondering if it is necessary for character motivation or are you trying to establish the power of the outsiders orgainzation. Does he speak with all american recruits? Is having him be the one to talk to the sheriff about the outsiders thier way of showing power. I guess it all depends on how subtle you want the outsiders influence to appear to your readers. Also if the main reason he is going along with it is to help his cousin it might be good to weave that in more in the chapter it would lend to his motivation. With that you could clue in that the organization was in charge but the visit with someone powerful might not be necessary.

So I misunderstood how this all works and I am going to give my thoughts here. I really liked the idea of how the prison works but agree with CJhuitt about it being very passive and internal. However it is a very internal based prison. There was one specific place where i got confused about what you were trying to tell me as a reader The part where you discuss how her group "was important to her. She thought she remembered. Why don’t I care?" I was confused by the word was. Trying to figure out if it was past or present tense for a second. I think that was the biggest issue that I noticed. The first page of your chapter felt a little like you rushed through it as you were writing once i got through it things seemed to get a little more at ease and comfortable. A few of the sentences in that first page felt and read a little akward for me. Thank you for letting me read

ROFL Emeraliss00

I had this problem with the shannara books too. Also I have the same problem with Eddings on occasion. I think I have been spoiled as a reader and have high expectations now that I am older. I think that as time passes often our tastes and our expectations are changed by what we have read and are reading.

Death by murder and murder by death

took me awhile to think of what my lame super power would be. Please forgive my terrible spelling today. Can't find the dictionary and spellcheck is mocking me. This thread was too awesome to pass up. Constant Stream of Conciousness I struggle to shut my brain off. It is almost always running off at the mouth to the point where sometimes it takes me hours to go to sleep. Also I think this is the cause of my other lame super powers. Comunicational Ditziness You can tell me something and about thirty seconds later its gone and I have already forgotten about it. Also I tend to say things that in my head sounded intelligent or smart and when I open my mouth I find that it was not as great as I thought. Sometimes it leads to some interesting misunderstandings. Extreme Concentration Sometimes I become so focused on a task or thought i completely ignore everything. This frequently gets me in trouble with my husband and my husband in trouble with me. Especially when he tells me we are doing something and it never registered with my brain and so i think he is bringing it up for the first time.

yay cookie. But i wanna be trapped

Hi, I am new to your forums. I was introduced to Sandersons books because he picked up the WOT series and found that I liked his books as much as Jordans. I listen to writing excuses which is what led me to this site and I hope that I will be able to participate in the reading excuses forums as well as the general fan forums. I am from utah like quite a few of the people here. And I work production in a factory...and loathe every minute of it..thank goodness for podcasts and audible. And prefer to write read and play in my freetime.