stormvisions

Well I'm 55 but it is not only the years, it's the mileage. I'm a bit worn down. Hopefully the writing will lift me up.

First off, thanks for reading and the critique. I admit I'm a little too in love with characters. I actually had to kill and condense a couple already. When I imagine the world, I picture the story through the eys of the people. Will have to try to not let them overrun the place. I also agree about the absence of drama. I will look at those scenes to see where I can add umph. I alrady started a rewrite of Dulcet to strengthen that one. I will look at this some more. I will look at blocking and find a middle road. I appreciate the useful comments and observation. I'm trying to outline now, but seems to be a bit of a mental block. It was always the thing that stopped me. It seems to use a totally different part of the brain so when I turn on outlining, the story is gone. I tried a little something yesterday to trick the brain and seemed to work - I plan to work on it this week in the evenings. I'm just imagining an old storyteller telling the tale, and answering questions about the characters, as they sit around the campfire. In other words I am writing a rough outline as if it was a scene. Not sure why my brain dislikes the other way but it hung me up for 30 or so years until I decided to just started pantsing - which is how I wrote as a little kid. Awesome. It is appreciated. Nobody has tackled the 'Dinner Theatre' chapter so I hope to get some basic feedback if time allows. Thanks. I was looking for a period/setting-appropriate stringed instrument and that's what I came up with with, but will do more research. That's a good point, I'll review. Thanks for the catch. I'm an older guy, and probably read a lot of older books that use variations of words - or whole words - which may not be as common in reading nowadays. In fact the 'scrimshaw' word was probably added to my dictionary by reading guys like Robert Louis Stevenson and Melville who wrote when whaling was a mainstay of many economies - but I might be wrong. Again, old man dictionary in use. Forsooth, I will take your advice erelong! Thank you. Good point. I actually just made up names on the spot after spending a couple days trying to work out different etymologies (hopefully correct use of word). When I spin up the logic brain, the creative turns off and I decided I should write first and work out the names later. Johnny Apple popped into my mind because of Johnny Appleseed legends and in fact gave me an idea for characteristics for Johnny- but I need to review. I'm falling in love with the characters and need to make sure the overall story works. Thanks for all the catches. He is. Probably a little too 2D, and will need to flesh his motivations out some more. I am reading a book on writing villans that someone recommended. Old man dictionary, also comes with old man humor - what can I say. I did but, aside from the last one with Brandon, probably read them 20 years ago (?) Old man memory is the third member of my old man collection. I will research each name. Like the character names these were mostly placeholder as I want to create some sort of cohesive language/naming/place words - I just was afraid I'd spend a year detailing all of that and doing nothing else. Hmmm.. yeah. I'll have to make some decisions about that and PoV. I am jumping into everyone's head, and creating characters in almost every chapter. I'll have to work on that. I did that without considering it - it seemed natural but a couple of people have mentioned it which is interesting to me. I'll have to think on it a bit t see why it works, and also to leading the story in too obvious of a way. Good point - thank you. Yes. But I'm thinking I will trim the orphan list way down, or have some living with the tribe in the desert where the made the crossing. Otheriwse I'll end up naming all of them. 8o Yeah, I wrote that but wasn't 100% sure of where that was going and will need to gut and rewrite. Another placeholder name. I appreciate your lengthy and useful critique. A lot of good tips that will help me to refine the writing. Thank you.

Well too much input is probably bad - you'll probably wrestle with it a bit. It sounds like you are moving towards a solution. Your actions scenes on the whole are definetly a lot more fun and interesting to me personally - nothing wrong with the other stuff -its needed- but the action is snapping along. If you repost the edited version next week I'll be sure to give it a look.

Hi. Nice work on the chapter and interesting story and setting (at least I like dungeon crawling ) A few points (and I am no expert so disregard as appropriate). I rewrote a few pieces on the fly, just to illustrate a point better than I can explain it - not to suggest anything is wrong with the writing. Not sure of the context here but at first I thought they were in crates that were leaking. Torches in a wooden crate - are they wood? That last part is not really a sentence. You can do something like. She sheathed her knife, put the small flask in her jacket pocket and stepped out of the crate. Turning slowly to get her bearings she moved towards where she thought the door had been. Or if the flask isn't significant She sheathed her knife and stepped out of the crate, turning towards a tiny lightening of the shadows. That must be the door. (in total darkness enough light might be visible from the stairwell to at least present a tiny clue - especially if they have been sitting for a while and grown acustomed to the darkness). Too many uses of the word 'hand'. I think you need to trim some of this writing and dialogue to maintain tension - are they afraid of being discovered? Also a few sentences aren't needed - the reader can figure it out so less well help maintain tension. Eddrin nodded "Sorrow should still be on one of the lower levels.” He stepped forward cautiously, then turned towards Mort “It's quiet.” The hallway was deserted, but the stairwell downwards glowed faintly. Mort nodded then motioned for them to follow, Just a rough edit but words trimmed from 56 to 39 and I think that tension remain better (again I'm a noob so accept or reject my suggestion). Again I would trim and condense during parts where you want to suggest/maintain tension. Shorter, terser. Perhaps occasional sentence fragments. Choose words which suggest stealth and danger. "Mort edged down the steps, Percy and Eddrin close behind. The stairwell curved down into the bowels of the city. Barrus thought the prison had originally been some sort of maintenance structure. She kept her left hand on the rough stone of the support pillar the stairs wrapped around. Dark doorways posed unknow danger and she felt her stomach tighten as she crossed each barred window. Empty. As they approached the bottom a few doors, in better repair, were lit by smoking torches. Guardrooms? Maybe." Just 'Mort froze' might do. I think that some of that stuff is understood by the reader i.e. he hears a sound, and freezes. This allows you to write less and keep tension. Same concept trim. Shorten. "She pulled open the door and leapt through, the others close behind. Eddrin pulled the door shut and stepped away from the small window. The guard's voices drew closer. Mort's heart matched the loud clamping of their armored feet." I hope this is helpful. If you work your way down and trim and tighten I think you'll increase the tension a bit. The story is moving along nicely and the setting is interesting. Keep writing.

Your submissions have been growing better each time and I liked this chapter. There are a few nit-picky things with words that seem odd choices but you can pick those up on a second pass I bet (i.e. the dogs 'yelling' feels odd to me, even though the dictionary definition would seem to allow it. Perhaps howling or barking). You keep the tension up i the first half, which helps quite a bit. I think (just my opinion which could be totally wrong).you started to ease off before purple hair guy calls forth the spirit of the cadaver. I think you might consider increase that tension for a short intense burst first i.e. two large hounds burst from the woods, which purple hair guy is forced to reluctantly kill. Some injury to him and or the girls. Then the desparate raising of the cadaver while the rest of the hounds get closer 'if the rest of those get here we won't make it!' type feel. Running to the village. Ragged breathing. Then when you get to the village you need to add tension/conflict (heard that last night on one of the WE podcasts). Even in a situation like the village there could be conflict/tension of a different type. Fear for the safety, suspicious looks, unexplained or bizzare items or circumstance that could be firghtening, the dogs baying in the distance - not sure what fits in with your story but the village part totally deflated all the tension you built up. I think you need to keep a little uncertainty or something. Great job. I'm jealous.

Just as a followup on outlining I am trying to trick the brain - with some potential success. Will have to wait until after work to give it a good go. I am imagining a storyteller who is telling the overall story to an audience, then answering questions about specific characters ie. "and what about's Dulcet's part in the story" and by writing this as a scene, at least in a quick test before work this morning, it seems I can engage the creative side of the brain without getting into logic / analytical mode. If it works I will then have my outline.

Thanks for the link. I had actually looked at this, and a few other methods. Still looking. Not sure why but when I try to logically break it down I lose the story, but when I just write as if I was watching it happen it comes out. So I have a lot of bits and pieces of a story that are connected - sort of like a jigsaw puzzle. I know the overall shape, and I'm fitting in pieces. I guess I could try laying out what I have, then try to use the snow flake method to fill in the gaps but I actually have some prewriting and chapters that are 'puzzle pieces from all corners of the puzzle. Anyway I think I just have to write constantly, and I'll continue to explore the outlining on the side - even if I have to rewrite because when I focus on the outline I get stuck. It was the main reason I never started writing - and I tried for many years off and on. I seem to get stuck at the outline. Several months ago when I just started pantsing ad following wherever the story led I was writing a significant bit just during my lunch breaks. Since I tried to sort out my outlining this past two months or so I am sporadic again. But I know I have to outline because otherwise I will end up with continuity errors. Thanks again. I'll sort it out eventually.

@Sprouts - thanks very much for taking the time to read and the detailed critique. Dulcet I will look at the Wheel of Time to see some examples as you suggest. Your decription of the 'leaf on the wind' actually clarified it for me. PoV is a problem for me and I'll have to work a lot on this. I think I will do some exercises and describe a simple scene, then rewrite it from the point of view of everything in the scene and go from limited to omniscient until the line is clearer for me. Dragon Hawk I guess my foundation is in the old stuff, from a time when I probably read 2-3 books per week, so I'll have to work on PoV more deliberately. There isn't a requirement to show a dialogue chapter, it was just my thought that I should pick three chapters that showed different strengths - but I see what you are saying. Great points here and will rework with fresh eyes. Piglio, Chatter, and the Mountain The rat is 'less ratty' than he was. I originally wrote it as I suggested, but when someone pointed out that I was in the rats head I attempted to pull it back a bit - and that's whhat I submitted. I only mentioned it because I hadn't really noticed in the first version that I was jumping from head to head to head. Definelty something to work on. The reason it seems like glimpses into a world is in part because the story is just popping out as I pants. I have an overall story concept in my mind, but my efforts to outline have been pretty frustrating so far - not sure why but I start getting detail overload or something. (I just wasted 3 hours yesterday trying everything from Excel, to post its, to a flow chart program.) As you observed I have been dipping into the world, at different locations and even time periods, I've dropped into bits on the sort of lose timeline that exists in my mind and written individual scenes. I will focus on your suggestions, on PoV and definetley need to solve the outlining conundrum. Thanks again for the detailed crit.

One of the Writing Excuses episodes briefly reference 'one of those essays by Stephen R. Donaldson which intrigued me since I loved his writing. I found "EPIC FANTASY IN THE MODERN WORLD" on his site via Google, but am wondering if there are other essays of his? I searched on Kindle and only saw his books.

By the way I imagined 'Duaren' as sounding like 'Do wahr en' or like Dwarven without the 'v' - not sure if it reads like that or not. I appreciate the two comments. I'm not sure if anyone else will consider reading at least one of the chapters and commenting before the new round of writing comes in, but if you can I would be grateful. If you can't I understand - hard to find time to write and all of the critiquing as well.

Great. For now I am download the mp3's for a couple seasons and will load them on my phone. I don't want to encourage that because it would chug their bandwidth. The also make some money from selling the CD's of past episodes, so maybe they don't want to make all of them available in that way (though you can still navigate to them)? There is a bandwidth cost for them, associated with the site and downloads. They might look at a way that allows easy access to all the files with some sort of convenience fee or "support us" fee - if moderate some might pay for this and it would help put some pennies in the tip jar.

Thanks all. Will check them out. I got Player FM last night but despite the fact that it knows how many episodes are available, no amount of fiddling seems to get me more than the last 10 or so.

Haha. I actually started posting some other ideas - in another third- yesterday then said 'wait, I can use these myself'

Trying Player FM app right now and heading out for my walk, and will give it test with the WE podcast.

The problem is there isn't an official iTunes app for the Android.

I listen to Writing Excuses when I walk. Right now I have to navigate the browser, while I try to stay in my lane (at night) and zoom, try to hit the download button, ... you get the idea. There isn't an official itunes app for Android. I don't want to copy a gazzilion MB of MP3's to my phone and I don't want to arbitrarily download and test all those apps - which may or may ot work as advertised, and many of which spend a lot of time sending data to the net from my experience. I thought I'd ask if any of you use a particular app.

You could try something like Malwarebytes (the paid version) which has a function called malicious Website Protection. I've had it block a few sites when I went to them. You can also add a free layer of protection by pointing your DNS to something like the OpenDNS IP's 208.67.222.222 208.67.220.220 or the Comodo Secure DNS 8.26.56.26 8.20.247.20 They basically blacklist known badguys, and the list is always updated, so when you request a site that has a bad reputation the dns request goes through them and you would get a warning page i.e. "Comodo Secure DNS Warning Warning: Unsafe Website Blocked! iwillinfectyou.com This website has been blocked temporarily because of the following reason(s): * Malware: Site may contain content that is harmful, illegal, or malicious to your computer Go back to safety (Recommended) This website has been reported as unsafe by various users and we do NOT recommend you to continue browsing. Disregard this warning and continue (Not Recommended)" these DNS servers have some other benefits as well. If you sign up at opendns (free for home use with some restrictions) you also get to log in online, block certain categories of sites and turn on a few other security settings designed to block bad guys.

@Mandamon thanks for your useful commentary. I will review these during my lunch break to see what changes I can make to tighten up, repair and adjust. I'll also take another look at the Dinner Theatre to see what parts might be unsubtle; it was a pantsing chapter, with only a second pass after the intial rush. I had the need to add one of the points of conflict and introduce a villain and probably not as subtle as it should be. I also was thinking of introducing two mischeveous girls who were hidden and spying on the party so will do more rewriting after I try to work out a bit of a rough outline. PoV continues to be the most blunted tool in my toolkit. With time it will hopefully become more instinctive. Thanks again.

I was thinking about how epigraphs might be used while I read this and want to throw out a couple random ideas .... -how about as a countdown to some event i.e. you could have chapter 1 epi be "the alien craft passed through the atmosphere of Neptune slowing just enough to scoop up large quantities of Hydrogen..." and each chapter epi after can have it progressing from planet to planet on the approach to earth. ie "the giant ship cast a shadow on mars as it circled, seemingly lifeless or as if waiting ...." then ".... and the sheperds in the desert looked up, and beheld a star growing brighter, and then a beam of light descending from the vessel, and then the legions of hell were set lose upon the earth..." in fact now that I think about it better (doh) it actually can be any type story in and of itself. Or it can be a PoV unique to itself, a future writer looking back at the events occuring historically, a prophet showing the events were foreshadowed, hmmm... I think I may have to take a closer look at epigraphs. I hadn't really looked at them as anything other than a little dressing at the head of the chapter.

I'll start by saying I'm not sure about anything at this stage. I use a short prologue in the way that @Lord Juugatsu says his friend does - to prepare the reader for an event in Chapter 3 and think it works in that regard. I am fiddling with an epigraph on the Dulcet's Hammer sample I posted - not sure if it will survive though. The reason I did that is 1) it sort of foreshadows her future importance and what will come. 2) it sort of serves as a narrator would "little Johnny Dirt had no way of knowing that in some distant future he would become the King of blah blah" so the chapter would be in the character's PoV performing some mundane stuff, but the epigraph would hint at some far great challenge or event in the future of this person..." I think it could be legit but reactions so far, from those who have seen it (out of context as a single chapter) - has been 50/50 I found this article on the subject interesting http://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2010/mar/30/epigraphs-toby-lichtig

I like the name squishy magic. It will be interesting to see what people come up with. I haven't fully explored the magic for what I am writing (I haven't written those parts yet) but have two very distinctivly different systems in mind. At the very least this thread has made me consider the interaction between the soft (old magic) I am considering, and the more science based hard 'magic') and how they might work if someone were to bridge the two.

I could see a hybrid - for example a hard magic that was illusory (imagine the users could basically generate 3D models in the real world, but they are only images). Those who could use the old magic's of earth and stone, etc, could turn the illusion into reality - possibly within limitations (no organic i.e. cannot create humans or it is forbidden to do so). What trips me up would be a system that is neither.

It would be interesting to speculate about a system that was a hybrid or defied categorization as you suggest. As I think on what I am writing, despite the fact I think they are original - or at least not overly done (within what I have read)- I have to admit that they would probably fall into hard and soft categories. I'll have to think some to see if a system that is not hard or soft - not rule based or 'rule-less/not defined' - is even possible. It seems on the surface that the hybrid approach is possible, but rule/rule-less' seems like a simple either or choice (or am I definig the soft incoorectly hmmmm...) You got my brain churning.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm not really arguing for or against. I was simply musing as to why soft magic and hard magic 'works' as a concept or a device. With hard magic it is easier to see because you build a structure of rules. It's how science works, computer programming, logical arguements etc - it's something we humans do naturally. It's like mental Legos. We put bits together until we approximate something we can understand. With soft magic it sometimes seems disconnected from realtiy, or only connected in some nebulous way. I was saying that as I thought about Tolkien the magic is actually built upon a structure - albiet a more primitive and basic one. i.e. Good|Evil. In addition I wondered if I found it more acceptable because - even though the magic itself doesn't seem to have a lot of rules, the races of Middle Earth do. They are very well defined and if you think about it the magic actually grows out of the races (or so I remember it with Elf specific magic etc but is has probably been 30 years since I last read the books). So maybe Tolkien's soft-magic is borrowing the attributes or 'rules' of the races which allows it to work for our minds. Hope that is clear. Sometimes I look too deep.

I like the hard elements of Allomancy and something like Patrick Rothfuss's Sympathy. This rules based approach to magic does make it seem real to me. The limitations or cost of these systems helps keep things in line and make them believable. Yet I have to say I found Tolkien's magic believable also, perhaps in part because I saw it as an elemental struggle between the power of good and evil. I saw magic as an expression of that power - in other words it was rooted and drew its power from two pure and very fundamental concepts in which I believe. I think there needs to be a certain clarity to magic - not that you need to understand all the whys and hows of it, but that our mind (which constantly seeks structure, meaning, patterns and so on as part of the process of categorization, cataloging and understanding the world around us) can grasp onto something recognizable -or acceptable. In Tolkien's case the magic - which could seem ill defined- also grew out of very well defined races and histories which might have further helped to anchor it.