molah

Hey everyone, A new short story. 3975 words this time. Cheers

I'd like to submit part 1 of a new short story - is there still a slot this week or should I wait?

I’ve been catching up with the story on the limited time I have available – which is why I’m so late to post here. Sorry I’ll try to keep my feedback at a story/plot level. Up till chapter 5 I had the feeling that the writing oscillated between “awesome and on-point” and somewhat stilted and awkward – but I don’t know what kind of draft we’re looking at here, so I thought you may still tighten your language and didn’t pay too much attention to it. In chapter 5, I found that the “flow” of the writing really picked up in the second half of E’s part. (Even S’s part; I’ve found his parts to be jarring to my reading experience – which may very well be my problem. I feel like I’m losing patience with him ) When I started reading chapter 1, I was surprised by the magic system and really liked it. However, I’ve started getting a bit annoyed by the details we get anytime someone does something with the Sym… – and that happens quite a lot. Now on to some more details: I found it strange when E’s mind wandered to world-building thoughts – which are kind of a slow-down – when there’s just this huge uproar about the J’s proclamation. I just didn’t think that E would care for anything but what was going on at that moment – and as I reader I was the same. I wasn’t the least interested in the world-building at this very moment, but wanted to know more about how the situation unfolded. In S’s part, I was a bit confused when it turned out that he was called upon and not going there on his own volition. Up till that moment, I thought it was the other way around. What surprises me, and feels a bit off to me, is the lack of reaction to the bell. When I first read about it, it had a Lovecraftian horror feeling to me – but nobody seems to care. It should be this big scary unknown things mystery, but people are like “whatever”. Feels odd every time I see that reaction. Blood turning to dust – no idea how that feels. I couldn’t relate to that. I really like the banter in M’s part. Feels very natural succeeded in conveying the feeling of old friendship to me. All in all, I think chapter 5 was solid. There’s a lot going on and the world/story doesn’t feel flat to me. I guess I’m missing references to previous books – because I haven’t read them - but so far that hasn’t bothered me. I think I could’ve picked up this book and started there.

Let me reintroduce me, as I've been absence for a few years. The above is still true, but some updates from the past years: After running my short story Elyse through this group, I submitted it to Writer of the Future and got an Honorable Mention. Thanks everyone for your help back then! In 2014, during NaNoWriMo, I started a novel, which I finished in summer 2015. I decided to self-publish it and it's been available on Amazon since January 2016. (with very little success I got maybe 200 sales since then) It's now available for free on Wattpad as well: https://www.wattpad.com/story/59142778-sky-high Life's been a struggle since 2015, so I haven't had a lot of time to write since then. I'm still struggling to find time to write, but I haven't abandoned "the dream". Regarding my favorite books list, I would add the "Red Rising" series from Pierce Brown, which are incredibly good. Looking forward to reading and critiquing your stories again! Cheers, Helge

I really like the idea, but barely find time for my writing. I wouldn't be able to meet your schedule. But best of luck to you!

In your last posts, when you said Molah, I think you meant rohyu, right?

Ah, and regarding the next piece, I guess that depends on what type of feedback you're looking for. I'd not go into such detail if I were to read a longer piece, but rather comment on general things like plot, character development, how I felt etc. - and maybe comment on repeating issues on a higher level. E.g. If I saw that there are many sentences that just run on etc.

I think the last sentence should go on a separate paragraph, because the speaker changed. (Only a single speaker per paragraph - that's one of the rules you'll find in The Elements of Style ) E.g.: " Benam’s captive snorted. “You think you are better than us?” The man had to raise his voice above the noise of the crowd. “We kill quickly, with sword or axe. This is barbaric. I'd spit in your face, but it would dishonour me. You’ve no more honour (stature) than a snivelling (caster).” Benam said nothing. " ​ Cheers, Helge

Hey Robinski, I've read the prologue once before. Did I ever provide you with feedback? I can't remember. Overall, I liked what I was reading. I especially liked the scenes at the harbour. All in all, I was very easily able to imagine the surrounding and what was going on, especially after the prologue. I'm not sure which direction this will take, but I'm intrigued to read more. Promises: I think this is a fantasy story and that there will be magic. Ahma is probably a caster, but doesn't know yet. Benam will probably get the chance to prove his worth once again. Characters: I like Benam. I'd say that I'm most invested in him, emotionally, for now. I don't have an opinion of Covelle yet. Ahma... her first scene didn't put her up on the likable list for me. She appears rather brutish and I'm not really invested in her problems yet. I had the feeling that the beginning was rather rough and bumpy, and that the writing got smoother along the way. Especially starting from the harbour scenes, there was almost nothing that made me stop. Throught the whole piece - and especially in the beginning - there were a lot of sentences that I felt were too long and confusing and paragraphs that I felt should have been split up. I'll try to give concrete examples below, but as I'm not a native speaker, don't pay too much attention to this. Just recently I have discovered "The Elements of Style", which I thought was fabulous. I've been asking myself many times "should I put a comma here?" or "should this be on a separate paragraph?". Most of my questions were answered by this book. If you haven't read it yet, maybe it's something that you'd find helpful. It's available for free here: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/37134/37134-h/37134-h.htm Now, let's get our hand dirty with details. (I try not to be too prescriptive, but I feel that I need to give concrete examples here and there, to explain my point. I hope you don't mind) Prologue Are you aware that Hasstal means something like Hatevale in German? "Some of the throng singled him out for praise as his duke had done, as the king now had done, the Hero of Lufmatho." From this sentence, it was not clear to me who was the Hero of Lufmatho. Benam or the duke. "He had rallied the troops, the citizens themselves with pitchforks and hammers; he had rallied them all and led the town’s defence with the senior officers dead or separated from the main force." I don't like giving prescriptive feedback, but I feel this sentence could be a lot stronger if you reordered it some, putting more emphasize on Betam. I'm thinking something along the lines of: "With the senior officers dead, and the troops without command, it had been him who rallied them. It had been him who had gathered the citizens, with their pitchforks and hammers, and it had been him who led the town's defence, driving back the enemy." "This was the first time he had seen the man, he certainly hadn’t faced him in the streets of Lufmatho." Wouldn't the corret thing be "This was the first time he saw the man, [...]"? There's a lot of hate here, and I found it a bit repetitive: "The ferocity of the fighting in Lufmatho showed that the Theracians hated them. How their emperor whipped up that hatred did not matter. He directed his war machine at his enemies and unleashed that hate. It was their way, they were remorseless and the empire grew." This is an example where I think a new paragraph would be necessary: (Also, what's up with the parenthesis?) "Benam’s captive snorted. “You think you are better than us?” The man had to raise his voice above the noise of the crowd. “We kill quickly, with sword or axe. This is barbaric. I'd spit in your face, but it would dishonour me. You’ve no more honour (stature) than a snivelling (caster).” Benam said nothing." "There were royal troops at the base of the platform to manage the prisoners." I think this would be stronger in active voice E.g. "Royal troops stood at the base of the platform to manage the prisoners." (I tend to use this as well ) "Benam called his orders, feeling that slight discomfort that many were older, more experienced than him." "that slight discomfort" made me stop a bit, because it sounds like it's something I know, but I don't. I think something like this would be clearer: "Benam called his orders, feeling a slight discomfort because many were older, more experienced, than him." Another example of where I think a new paragraph is needed: "The tone of the crowd changed, rose, and he heard shouts of ‘Long live the king,’ and ‘Creator bless Menalothen.’ Benam could see the man coming towards him from the opposite end of the platform, tall and blond, his stride confident, his air commanding for a man who was younger than Benam by five years. He led a party along the wooden deck, their boots thudding on the boards." "The Duke of Lufmatho was with the king, while the other dukes sat at the far end of the platform. Lufmatho shook Benam’s hand too. His bearing was stiffer, his gaze harder, more appraising. “The town owes you a debt, lad. We’ll speak of it sometime, but we have duties now.”" I don't think anybody expected them to discuss Benam's reward at that moment on the stage, which makes the remark about the duties a little awkward to me. "The bishop began in a monotone, which the crowd followed in a low murmur that resonated between the buildings enclosing the square." Can you use "monotone" as a noun? Well, I just checked: Yes you can. But it still made me stop. "“On a day full of heroes, this man,” the king waved him forward and a jolt ran through Benam as he stepped forward, hesitant." I think it would be easier to read if you mentioned Benam first and used "him" afterwards. (switching "Benam" and "him") "“This man, Captain Benam of the Duke of Lufmatho’s Guard" That sounds really complicated / awkward to me. I think you could cut "of the Duke" and it would still be clear that we're talking about the guard of Lufmatho. "That he bring your justice down on the heads of these invaders, that he sends our message to them that Wenrok does not bow down to bullying and savagery." It was not really clear to me who you are referring to when you say "sends our message to them". Judging by the sentence's structure, it would refer to the invaders - the ones he's supposed to bring justice down on, not the ones still alive somewhere else. "“Wenrok will not kowtow to threats.”" knowtow? "The first man died almost instantly, a clean snap, as did the second. Two kingsmen walked along the line with Benam, but none of the Theracians received the honour of the sword, they were not worth it. It was distasteful work, but Benam recalled images of these men rampaging through the streets of Lufmatho cutting down innocents, firing buildings, killing everyone in their path, and his anger kept him moving along the line pulling hard on the wooden levers. His people deserved their vengeance." I felt like this was a lot of telling and little showing of Benam's feelings. E.g. I'm missing something like cracking leather while he bunches his fists in anger etc. :Did "The kingsman at each gibbet stepped back as he approached, the king, the duke and the major accompanied him towards the assembled dukes at the end." I was really surprised by the appearance of more dukes at the end of the stage. When did they get there? "Benam remembered the tears of children clasped in their mothers’ arms, families cowering in stables and cellars, scuttling away as the defensive line contracted, husbands tearing themselves away from desperate wives to pick up fallen weapons and join the defence." Here I was wondering whether Benam really was in the stables and the cellars to see all this. I felt like this were details an omnipotent spectator might have, but not necessarily Benam. "Here stood the Theracian commander before the dukes of Wenrok, who stood in the presence of their king." stood... stood. And why is it so special that he stands in the presence of the king? Didn't the others, too? "The Theracian was shackled but not hooded, afforded the opportunity to watch the last of his men die." Were the others hooded? "You know I am not a soldier, but I will show them that every man of Wenrok will fight!" I would find it very odd to see a leader slight himself in front of a crowd. "“My tutor says it will take much practice to make a swordsman of me.” Menalothen swung the blade in a flat arc, catching the man above the elbow, slicing through his clothing." Really like this, and the image it paints. "There was a good chance the wound would not have killed the man on its own, the Theracian slumped as Menalothen withdrew the blade, dropping it on the platform." It sounded to me like the Theracian dropped the blade. Chapter 1 "Thirty years later..." When I read this I was groaning inside. I hate it when I im introduced to a character and then he doesn't play a role anymore. (Reader on, I saw that he is still part of the story, so that redeemed you a bit ) "halting their elbows in surprise" Couldn't imagine that. What were they doing? "fire jumped from his arm to the tabletop" That sounded like magic. I had a hard time believing that a wooden table would catch fire so fast. "Ibdal’s eyes were wild [...]" If we get to know his name, why so late? "[...] rooted into motion [...]" Huh? "When she stood, the fire on the table was almost out. Old Man Lynell appeared from the back with clean linen, ripping it as he came towards Ibdal, while the girls started to tidy up." They start cleaning while the fire is still burning?? "“Your idiot doorman! My bill of lading is ashes, worthless! I will not stand for this.”" Not sure if this is a language thing, and I don't get it right, but from what I know, you use "stand for something" when you defend something - e.g. your opinion. Why would that guy defend having his bill burnt? "On the floor, Ibdal moaned as hands turned him over. Ahma stepped towards the advancing man and slapped him across the face." I felt like the action in the previous scene was all over the place, and this is an example. I felt it was switching too much between the different actors. "He placed a grand-fatherly hand on her shoulder, and watched the men walk away, ignoring the glances of passersby." Who is ignoring the glances? Sounds like the old man, but I think you meant the men, right? "your cheek ringing in my ears" Couldn't imagine what you meant... "Covelle nodded, hiding his satisfaction at Ghintor’s careworn expression. He walked past the harbour-master to encounter a tall, bulky, bearded man in the doorframe. Most men were taller than Covelle of course, but this was not most men, it was Benam, Hero of Lufmatho. Aye, twenty years ago, thought Covelle. The former kingsman was wider around the middle than the shoulders now, had crow’s feet in the swarthy skin at his temples and a retreating hairline, his dark beard peppered with grey. King Menalothen would not pick Benam for his elite regiment now. Rumour had it his eyesight was failing, but his sharp, blue gaze picked over Covelle intently enough. They’d passed closer than this before, but staying forgotten was Covelle’s great talent." Loved it. "Covelle wondered how much of Ghintor’s job the former kingsman did while the harbour-master kept company with cup and pipe, at the same time scanning faces and ships, noting colours and crew, storing it all away." It sounds like Benam is scanning the faces and ships. "Hopefully such a one would not, however, see how straight his arm was." I found "such a one" confusing and it wasn't immediately clear to me who you meant. "“What about his family – how should he keep them now? Or don’t you care about the consequences of your actions?”" The second phrase sounded off to me, partly because it's also implied in the first. "The proof of Benam’s suspicion was the lack of warning [...]" This sentence confused me, especially "The proof of Benam's suspicion". "The men were all standing now and stepped forward." They were standing all the time, right? "[...] three men were standing smoking [...]" "Come to think of it, he was just the sort to do that good deed then help himself to something once he’d had a good chance examine the basket on the way home." I found this long and confusing. I hope this was helpful. Cheers, Helge ​

As I said in my email, I still got to finish my first draft. I wouldn't mind "building credits" in the meantime.

Is this still alive/going on? Are you still looking for alpha-reader feedback? (Just checking before I start reading into the rules etc. )

As always, in order to give unbiased feedback, I haven't read any of the other comments yet. I try to be honest with my feedback and not sugarcoat it, because I think you'll benefit more from it that way. I hope you don't mind. I'm impressed by the flow of the conversations and how well-crafted the text is. It felt like a clean read without any stumbling stones to make me trip up. There was only one thing that made me stop for a second: The flight times of 72 and 82 hours. It made me doubt whether this story was set in the past, not the present day, because this seems awfully slow. In my experience, you can get half-way around the globe in about 18-24 hours. Maybe it's because I haven't read the first chapter (it never arrived), but I had a hard time caring for what was happening for most of the story. There was a lot of banter between the friends, but nothing really happened. I kept thinking that this may be interesting to someone who studied archeology, but for me there was no problem/mystery or reveal that motivated me to read on. Only on the last three pages did it start to get interesting to me. When the viewpoint changed to Al, I didn't really notice any difference. I would expect his voice to be distinct from Hank. All in all, I have to repeat how much I liked the banter. There was only too much of it, and too little going on. However, I am interested to see how this continues. Right now I expect this to involve some time travelling. Cheers, Helge

I'm all up for discovery writing - but then don't submit the first draft right away. At least cut the bad weed.

I haven't read any of the previous replies, so forgive me if there is duplicate stuff. I really liked the voice of the narrator, especially towards the end. But I think the story has a big problem, especially being a short story: There is basically no action and nothing interesting happens. All we see is a family squabbling in a every-days-situation. I suspect that something interesting is going to happen with the suit that he's supposed to put on. Here I can only recommend what I have learned with my short story Elyse, and what proven writers keep praying when they're talking about short stories: cut to the action. Start in the middle. Now, going into more detail: The first couple of paragraphs basically felt like an exposition dump. And I was really annoyed not to learn the narrator's name. (There was an opportunity down the road, when his mom talked to him, but instead she said "young man", which was rather old-fashioned and disappointing ) Some of the sentences were really long, even for first person narrative. E.g.: "Like most people my age 'sex, drugs and alcohol' was the motto we lived by, a modern twist on the classic, I know - but just as effective, if not more." "Nothing to be proud of as far as I could tell, but for some reason it made him feel like the biggest man in town and therefore having a high school dropout as a son was not something he would ever let me forget." I was really surprised to learn he was a boy at the end of the third paragraph. Somehow I assumed this was a girl talking - maybe because the writer is one. When his dad hisses at him he had been drowning out The Eagles with Skrillex before. How can he hear his dad without switching off the music, or taking of his headphones (if we wore any)? This confused me, because I didn't get at first who did what to the ash tray: ""Downstairs. Five minutes", slamming the door he narrowly missed the full ashtray that usually sat beside my window. Instead it ricocheted off the mirror on the back of the door, leaving both the mirror and the ashtray in pieces on the floor." When he got curious about the loud cry we don't get explained why. Was there anything different about it? This phrase implies that it was his mother who cried out, but then he walks into his brothers room and asks him what was going on: "Now normally I would have ignored such a thing as my brothers were little shits who knew just how to push mommy's buttons." That was really confusing. His mom breaks up the fight between him and his brother without saying a word? There are a lot of line breaks in the dialog that confused me, where the same speaker would talk in two consecutive lines. On the other hand, there were line breaks missing in a lot of places in the description, where things should have been separated into different paragraphs. I hope this is not too rough, but honestly, I am not interested in the story so far. However, I like the voice very much. At this point, I have absolutely no idea in which direction this story could go, but if your daughter cut to the chase, I'm sure this would become a great piece.

Just giving a sign of life. Life had some rather tragic turns for me this year and I've been off the radar for a while. But now I'm back and I hope to be able to spend more time reading and critiquing here. Currently I'm finishing the first draft of my 2014 NaNoWriMo novel. I submitted Elyse to Writers of the Future but got rejected. I got some idea of why and I'll probably resubmit a fixed version.

I liked the first part. I got the concept of the alien life form that seemed to span a big area. It was a bit difficult to get into though and I felt that some things about the priorities were repeated too much. The second part was okay. The twist of not wanting to touch down felt a bit forced. Maybe the guys reaction read too weak, don't know. I really liked the third part. I liked the flow and the character. I was a bit disappointed by the amount of time that has passed in the fourth part, because I started to like the administrator. But it gave the story an epic feeling to it. Personally, I wasn't too fond of the mind control. Such stories seem always such a hassle to me. As a reader you're in the know but you have to see how the characters are clueless. I find that very tiring. All in all, I really liked the setup. I hope to read more about the conflicts between the alien life form and the colonists. E.g. the ways the life form five to defend itself.

Just giving a sign of life. Will be back when this moving-chaos is over

Thanks again for your feedback. Very insightful! I'm glad you enjoyed the story

Thanks for the feedback, Robinski! Sorry for my late reply, I was only able to read it just now. We recently moved to a new flat and that's been consuming all of my time lately.

All my free times goes into NaNo... so exhausted already.. Will be back and more active in December again.

For those of you who aren't subscribed to David Farland's newsletter: Today he sent a very insightful checklist which should come in handy when revising/editing your story. It's also available on his website: http://davidfarland.net/writing_tips/?a=439

I am, which leaves me with basically no time for critiquing this month. Sorry

I imagined it to be pronounced similar to Alice, but more like you say... "el-EES"

Wow, thank you! I'm really happy you liked the story so much!! Also thanks for the insightful comments! You're right about the contraptions... might be a habit from work. I think I tried not to use them outside of direct speech, but I did not consider that the 3rd person part should feel more like James' thoughts. One of my big concerns is finding the right balance between description and action, so your comments on that part are very helpful. And I, too, feel that my description at times is too slow. Like when James enters the study. Again, I'm really happy you liked it. What a nice feeling

Yes, exactly