TwiLyghtSansSparkles

Oh well. We'll have time to ask the important questions in life.

And now, we wait for Edgedancer.

Given that his leaf blower had spewed concrete pancake batter instead of air, Nathan wasn't entirely sure the Warriors' flamethrowers would shoot flame. Still, there was no time to protest. They had to make it to the couples' house before all hell broke loose. Then again, how would he help them? Epics didn't help. Funtimes had, but she seemed to think the rational response to "I'll skin him alive" was to hand the speaker a mug of coffee. I'll figure that out later, he thought. Lightwards slipped his hand in his, and his first instinct was to pull away. He created zombies with those hands. You're not dead yet, he told himself. ​He's powerless. Funtimes held on to the coffee Lightwards had refused. When Nathan opened his eyes, they stood in a familiar living room. But the couple was nowhere to be seen. Actually, they were. It took Nathan a moment to recognize them through the grotesquely canine snouts and claws they now sported. Stupidface was not in sight, which meant he had to be hiding somewhere. Somewhere he could leap out and choke them from behind. "Ah, sparks," he muttered, stumbling back and away from the couple. "Is there anything this slontze can't do?"

And a thousand high school teachers screamed in agony at the W-word.

Nathan didn't fancy the idea of watching anyone, Epic or not, be skinned alive. Still, bullets hadn't done much. Perhaps Lightwards' methods would provide a more permanent way of disabling him. Better a zombie slave than a feral Epic on the warpath. "Doctor? Got anything?" Funtimes stuck out her lower lip in thought; then she brightened. With a wave of her hand, a nearby garbage can and its contents became three flamethrowers, one leopard print, one pink, and one covered in green polka dots, which Nathan nudged toward the Sadrys and Donald with the toe of his shoe. The lid became a pot of steaming coffee and a travel mug. Funtimes poured the former into the latter, put the lid on, and handed it to Lightwards. "You looked sleepy," she said. "You shouldn't be sleepy." "Yeah," Nathan agreed, although he wasn't entirely sure he did. "Better to be hyper when there's a slontze like that around. Now, c'mon, let's go!" He took Funtimes' hand and motioned for Lightwards to take his free one. Holding hands with a necromancer, he thought wryly. Never thought to put that on my bucket list.

Stupidface broke out of the concrete batter and leaped off the roof. Naturally. He had to be absurdly powerful. Laughing, Funtimes took Nathan's hand and teleported him to the sidewalk below, where she removed two ribbons from her sweater. She shook them out, transforming them into knives, and handed one to Nathan. Without question, he set to work on the net holding Lightwards to the ground. "Did you see where Stupidface went?" Funtimes asked. "That way." Nathan tilted his head in the direction he'd seen the new Epic go. If he wasn't mistaken, it was in the same vicinity as the couple from whom he and Funtimes had stolen the pillows. Bullets wouldn't stop him, or slow him down much, but it wasn't Stupidface he was worried about. An Epic who couldn't die could do some serious damage. He gave Lightwards a grin. "Shall we go after him?"

It's up to you. Do you want him to bust through super thick pancakes, or concrete?

Doctor Funtimes stamped her feet. "No, no, no! That was for Stupidface!" Nathan would have rather thought through a strategy, but he wasn't a casino server caught in the wrong place. As far as anyone else was concerned, he was an Epic, and Epics didn't pause to think. So he didn't. The new Epic—Stupidface, according to Funtimes—made a flying leap onto the nearest rooftop. At the same time, a junebug rose from the ground and flitted round Stupidface's head as though its only goal was to pester him. Lightwards. It was the only opportunity he had. Nathan took aim with the leaf blower and flicked it into reverse. Pale brown liquid spewed out of the barrel. He turned to Funtimes. "Pancake batter? You're kidding." She laughed and flicked the leaf blower to its normal setting. A jet of hot air, so strong it nearly blew Nathan backward, shot out toward Stupidface. The smell of cooking pancakes filled the air. The leaf blower was baking the pancakes. "Those pancakes are super icky," Funtimes called, then giggled. "They go down like con-crete!"

The junebug will be an ally of the Ludicrous Duo! Kinda like Batgirl, but more…um….yeah.

So is Edgedancer next or am I?

Like the Great Noodly One taught her.

Or are they?

As the dark mist coiled up and around the new Epic's wounds, one thought flashed through Nathan's head: Of course he doesn't die. Why would he do that? Funtimes took his hand, punching the air with the other. "To the armory!" When next he blinked, they were in someone's living room. She giggled, and a light clicked on. "I think we should hurry." She giggled again, grabbing all the throw pillows she could carry. Nathan did the same as footsteps made their way down the hall. They halted abruptly, and a bearded man in boxer shorts pointed a pistol. "Honey! Epics in the living room!" "I'm on it!" There was a brief clatter of metal, and then a woman in pajama pants and an old T-shirt appeared, shotgun in hand. "Can you die?" Nathan knew there was only one correct answer to that question. "No." "That means yes." Just as two triggers were pulled almost simultaneously, Funtimes touched his sneaker with hers, and they were outside in the cool night air. Nathan could see Lightwards and the other Epic some distance away, and the well-armed couple was nowhere to be seen. Funtimes giggled and dropped her pillows. She waved her hands over the pile, and they solidified into a few objects: a metal sphere, a stuffed panda, a packet of microwave noodles, and what looked like a brightly colored leaf blower. "Take the leaf thingy," she told him. "Leave the pillows." He did as he was told, and she gathered the other items. With another tap of her foot against his, they were on a rooftop near Lightwards and the new Epic. "Hey! Stupidface!" Funtimes was clearly addressing the new Epic, though Nathan would have chosen a more respectful term. "Eat noodles, idiotbrain!" She threw the noodles at him, and before Nathan could ask whether or not she really thought it would work, the plastic flew off and the noodles expanded into a net. "Careful!" she called as the net made its way toward him. "It tickles!"

Si.

Now all we need is for Nathan to find an angry Epic and blare Weird Al's "First World Problems."

Oh great. I'd been picturing Nighthound as a tall, solid guy, but now I will always see him with a literal trollface. Thank you for that, Edgedancer.

In that case, I nominate Kobold to go next. Lightwards is in the most likely position to start the fight.

Fight, wherein our characters show off and a stalemate is reached, followed by an uneasy and very fragile alliance.

Also, re fight vs alliance, we could always do both....

You DID say a Lightwards/Funtimes alliance was the most likely thing to destroy Oregon. With dinosaur tanks. And flamethrowers that shoot tigers.

Check out Cracked's Photoplasty of "If 5-Year-Olds Were In Charge of Weapons Design" for an idea of what she'd give them. You know, I've been using two l's because I think my autocorrect is secretly British, but I won't quibble either way.

Well. Nighthound and Sombra teamed up, Lightwards scared Twilight Sparkle into giving him some old spell books, CorpseMaker did his thing, and just when Celestia thought she was on her way to restoring order, Funtimes met Discord and the universe imploded. I could go either way, but at the moment I find the idea of an alliance intriguing. It would be uneasy at best, what with no one trusting anyone and Nighthound being himself. But I could go either way.

Her original plan involved a Ford Pinto, a twelve pound bag of popcorn, and several angry pigeons. Me neither, honestly. I guess it depends: do we want a fight, or yet another alliance?

So you're saying Lightwards will go all Celestia on him and banish him to the moon? If so, then I shudder to think what Funtimes does to him on page 26.