GroundPetrel

SO tonight I was talking cosmere lore with my friend, a fellow cosmere fan and author of what i believe is the only Marasi/Vin shipping fic in existence, and she said that body augmentations like in Cyberpunk are probably possible with metalminds as Scadrial approaches the upcoming Ghostbloods books. And I said, and this is where the stupid fusion fanfic idea comes in, you could literally do a fusion fic with Cyberpunk 2077. Basically (spoilered just in case, includes spoilers for tech and one particular character through Wax and Wayne plus hypothesis/idea about evolution of a specific application of Hemalurgy): Thoughts, anyone?

I mean, that definitely explains what he pulls in the contest to give Dalinar time to think. I'll buy it.

I'm on the opposite tack. Everybody says "oh Adolin has all these death flags" but we're talking about a dude who needs to learn how to take care of himself after being everybody else's emotional support pet all his life, potentially becoming a father, not long after the likely resolution of his metric ton of daddy issues. That's an interesting angle that I think a lot of people would like to see and I don't doubt that Brandon has considered it. Plus, people are likely expecting a foreshadowed death after TLM. Subverting it here would work well imo.

This is 100% purely self-indulgent garbage about Adolin being the best big brother to anybody who needs a big brother in that moment. Or, "While you were learning caution and common sense, I was learning the blade. #edgedancerlife." Elevator pitch: Adolin and Maya fall through a wedgie in space and land in Game of Thrones. They proceed to make everything better. Contains profanity, violence, a lot of insane Adolin stunts, and some Cosmere theorizing for kicks. Spoilers included for: All of Stormlight through book 4, including the identity of Thaidakar (in fact, I decided to have Thaidakar jump in and join the storming-things-up party). Refers to WOBs and bits of info we have about Ambition. The Prince Who Wasn't Promised Feedback (positive or otherwise) is greatly appreciated!

OMG yes I love long books. I would love Brandon doing a Stormlight book so big that it has to be published as three parts and just gives us a ridiculously deep dive into every character while meandering around the world just existing in it. Also if 99% of the book is just Adolin being supportive I will buy a million copies.

Accidentally put this in the wrong thread, have expanded it. If JK Rowling wrote the Cosmere... Kelsier would be an evil moustache-twirling ultraNazi who wants to end mankind and knowingly and happily works for Ruin. The Lord Ruler would be a fumbling imbecile but ultimately worthy of respect because of his position as ruler. The skaa would be happy in their slavery and would become miserable drunks when freed. Some small marginalized ethnic group (Horneaters? Terris? Herdazians?) would have big hooked noses and would control the money supply on some planet. They would be mean stingy nasty creatures who nobody likes and who are nasty and treacherous. The more people pointed out the implications, the more overt they would get. Kaladin's slave brand would hurt whenever Amaram was thinking about him or in the vicinity. Wax would happily go along with Sazed's manipulations and would unironically and uncritically believe him to be the greatest person alive. Kaladin's greatest ambition in life would be to be a lighteyes cop. He would be enslaved without Amaram offering him the shards and would accept the ones Adolin gave him without a second thought. He would also be revered throughout Alethkar as a chosen one. Shallan would be lectured regularly on staying in school, studying hard, and never trying to change the system because that's bad and what dangerous radicals do. Dalinar would be "revealed" to be gay and in love with Odium like 10 years after the end of Stormlight in a Tweet, which would also include a confusing and disgusting statement about Alethi bathroom habits that nobody asked for, wanted, or needed.

WTF how did that happen? I'm so sorry, I must've had two tabs open at the same time. I apologize for being a bozo.

If JK Rowling wrote the Cosmere... Kelsier would be an evil moustache-twirling ultraNazi who wants to end mankind and knowingly and happily works for Ruin. The Lord Ruler would be a fumbling imbecile but ultimately worthy of respect because of his position as ruler. The skaa would be happy in their slavery and would become miserable drunks when freed. Kaladin's slave brand would hurt whenever Amaram was thinking about him or in the vicinity. Wax would happily go along with Sazed's manipulations and would unironically and uncritically believe him to be the greatest person alive. Kaladin's greatest ambition in life would be to be a lighteyes cop. He would be enslaved without Amaram offering him the shards and would accept the ones Adolin gave him without a second thought. He would also be revered throughout Alethkar as a chosen one. Dalinar would be "revealed" to be gay and in love with Odium like 10 years after the end of Stormlight in a Tweet, which would also include a confusing and disgusting statement about Alethi bathroom habits that nobody asked for, wanted, or needed.

Two stupid concepts: --Zinc compounder who is a near-permanent insufferable genius because they were bullied in school for being not very bright before they Snapped and want to be seen as the smart one. --Bronze compounder who literally hasn't slept a wink in over twenty years because they had bad nightmares and don't want to go back to that.

Fair enough! And trust me, I know what you mean about feedback. My last word here is always going to be: Keep writing! You have some raw ability, now you just need to refine it.

Part 2: I'm going to try to keep my critiques brief and to the point this time rather than spending 3 hours writing pedantic tangents about examples of other works that did things in a certain way. We have more of an Ocean's 11 feel and tone than gritty Gentlemen Bastards. The tone and pacing and feel of this is much more modern heist movie than classic assassin fantasy, and it feels like a dichotomy more than Mistborn's blending of the two. I am not against this per se. Just noticing it. I think this COULD clash a bit because we see the Prince's (relatively) slow drift into deciding he needs to kill his father, then it jumps into this staccato back and forth between him and the assassin through the intermediary. This could definitely throw some readers off. And now that I'm thinking about it, I can't help but wonder if the Prince's backstory needs more flashback scenes to show how the Prince got fed up with his father's incompetence, corruption, and waste. I like Eijur's backstory. I'm left with a desire to see the rest of what he did. No complaints tbh. Just gimme more! The Sakava chapter--I see consistency to her character (unimaginative, sending good money after bad, generally incompetent), but again, there are very modern phrases here that I feel should be edited to sound more fantasy-y. Brigar's possession is interesting. Everything with him needs a LOT more--more backstory, more time for the romance (like a LOT, unless the point is his husband's always been a villain and used some kind of magic to seduce him), more eerie feel to the possession. You've got something really neat here but it needs a storming huge load more of everything. Sakava finally does something not incompetent. Too little, too late, but at least she learned a bit. I don't actually like this sudden conversation with the possessing demon thing. Too frank, not enough horror (there's hints, but it turns into conversation too fast), definitely came too soon in the narrative, and the dialogue feels too modern. Sakava's flight has some weird transitions ("almost instantly" forest turned into plains--is she crossing a tree line into a vast plain of agricultural fields? This kind of transition doesn't often happen on a large scale outside of riparian forests and human-influenced cuts), and then they're back in the forest again a few paragraphs later? This needs an edit pass. I like the core ideas with the framing elements of the cops and mistress talking but this needs an edit pass too. Big fan of the assassin's backstory. Needs an edit pass but I like the way it shows how this person could become a loner assassin worshiping a creepy Obviously Evil deity. It does need a slightly slower pace and more detail to flesh out the father's abuse and mother's attempts to protect the child (perhaps the stifling proper lady training can be made an element of the mother trying to shield the child from the father's cis-hetero-normative rage? There is a little clash here between the mother's attitudes in the initial interactions and the bit after the father's arrival), I think. Otherwise, this is conceptually interesting and I want to see more. I like the mistress's chapter and backstory. Bookends need a bit more work than the core of the chapter. This is overall pretty strong work though. I'm feeling more details, getting the gist of emotions. I'm going to reiterate that Brigar's POVs need a LOT more detail, but I am getting his emotion here at points. He should be a lot more stormed up from this kind of demonic possession though. Sakava finally gains a degree of initiative and competence at the cost of her competent advisor. This is starting to become a more interesting character. Reached the end of what you have. I like Arekon's POVs. I like the part where he's like "oh rust this is gonna be bad" when he sees Sakava's letter. I think overall that of the dead horse of my general criticisms ("needs more detail", "needs more emotion", "slow down a bit and savor the ride"), I've gone beyond just beating them, so storm it, I'm focusing on some other stuff. Positives: There are bits of exceptional character work and evocative writing. I want to see this stuff expanded and refined. There are some conceptually really good ideas (Arekon is a solid concept that I think you're taking in a good direction, and Brigar's plot is conceptually cool but needs a LOT more time) that definitely work for a war/assassin fantasy. Your characters are all quite distinct while being interesting and engaging. This could always be refined more but I like the gist of what I'm seeing. Critiques: Arekon's and Brigar's backstories in particular need more time dedicated to them, and Brigar's plot needs a LOT more time, detail, and attention. The plot is like a puzzle that's slowly coming together. While that is relatively common in this kind of fantasy (see: the Shadow and Bone TV series), it runs the risk of alienating the reader with too many POV swaps. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I hope this is still helpful and not annoying!

so over the past couple of years, amidst unhealthy amounts of Sanderson obsession, multiple failed attempts at other writing projects, trying to get my master's degree, and experiencing the Great Gender Crisis of 2020-Ongoing, I wrote a couple of superhero stories for NaNoWriMo and did a prequel novella. Posting links here because I've seen other people doing similar things and I'm desperate for feedback from people used to the ridiculously high standard of Brandon Sanderson novels. Content warnings: Some graphic violence, mind controlling telepathy, mind reading telepathy, intense emotional issues including depression and undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder, varying amounts of cussing, political parodies, murder scenes, and discussion of violent crimes including murder and sexual violence. First one: Mind-Jacker CW: Depression, suicidal ideation. This one is the weakest, I think. This started as a piss-take on The Boys because I was angry at the way that show is about a bunch of heroic vigilante Hard Men led by a violent anarcho-fascist, and that show's world is stupid and nonsensical in ways that actively facilitate those themes that I don't like. Length: Roughly 50k words. Second one: Tradewind CW: Brief consensual sex, brief body horror elements, on-screen murder of a child, depression, emotionally damaged women frankly discussing the consent issues with their superpowers, consensual mind control (accompanied by a seriously screwed up mental state and pathological altruism). This one is quasi-metafictional,I guess you could describe it. Length: Roughly 55k words. Prequel novella-length story: Widowmaker CW: Very brief sexual violence, implied sexual violence, general serial killer tropes including nonconsensual drugging and lust murder, brief overt racism and low-key sexism. This is basically a hunt-the-serial-killer murder mystery but with a bit of building out the world and the beginnings of the protagonist's mental and emotional collapse. Please, if you have the time/inclination to read, hit me with your best criticism. :)

More than happy to give my thoughts! Again, you do have a solid core here. There is a lot of work to be done (minimum 2 more drafts I think, one to fix the big holes then one to smooth out the rough edges), but there are good and entertaining ideas. Started skimming part two, there are again elements of it that I love despite (or maybe because of? IDK) the shift in tone and feel to be more Ocean's 11 and less Dishonored, but again, I think Brigar's plot needs the most work. The building up of the magic system is working well for me. Have a good time writing!

part 1 thoughts overall: You have a solid core of good and engaging ideas, but broadly speaking this needs a lot of expansion to add detail and emotions, then an edit pass or two.