Kobold King

Yes, I'm particularly proud of that description. Finding new and creative ways to express my loathing for his character is always fun.

The raptor was still growling. Lightwards met the creature's gaze irritably, and was irked to find that it was glaring back at him. He got the impression that he wasn't staring at a Warrior of Light, but at a majestic relic from the Cretaceous period, clinging to its mind and instincts in spite of its resurrected state. To Calamity with that, Lightwards thought spitefully. He took a pistol from a nearby human Warrior and pointed it between the raptor's eyes. “Hello, Ladies, Gentleman and those I would expect to meet here. I bring you Toy soldiers to interrogate and new recruits, some dimwitted others brilliant.” Lightwards snapped around upon hearing Nighthound's voice, smiling as a strange procession entered the Museum. He decided to deal with the rebellious raptor later. Epic business always took priority. "A fine crop," Lightwards said, gazing at the assorted individuals Nighthound had brought. There were five hounds trailing inky black smoke behind them, whom he assumed were the "Toy soldiers" Nighthound had mentioned. If they had really worked for CorpseMaker, he would hopefully be able to extract a fair quantity of useful intelligence. He turned his attention to the new recruits. These, he was more unsure of. The first one to catch his attention was a woman wearing bright pink and red garments, her hair bunched into a bun and a tainted monocle in front of her eye. She said nothing as she entered his presence, nor did she even seem impressed by the fact that she had just stepped into a floating primordial jungle in the sky. She simply stared out into space with such a lack of intensity that Lightwards almost suspected her of being a Warrior he'd forgotten about. The other Epic was even more inexplicable. She was a woman with regal bearing, sitting atop Nighthound's Carnotaurus like a queen on parade. She was clothed in tight armor which looked like black crystal, and one of her arms glittered in the dappled sunlight like a limb-shaped diamond. A closer look seemed to confirm this description. Lightwards turned around to smile at Voidgaze and Sightline. "As you can see, our Empire grows by leaps and bounds every day. He switched his attention once again to Nighthound himself, who walked alongside Ray next to the dinosaur. Ray looked worse for wear, with her ear crusted with a substantial quantity of blood. The contrast between Nighthound and Funtimes was actually rather interesting, Lightwards thought with a twitching smile. Funtimes violently protested that her servants were friends and not pets, while Nighthound fixed his with a dog collar and physically abused her. I'm the only sane man among them, Lightwards thought, his twitching becoming a genuine smirk. "Welcome back, Nighthound," he called out to the Epic. "I see you've had good luck on your mission. Would you care to provide me with a full report on your successes?" Traveler--Nathan--chuckled at Revolution's question. "It was her idea. All hers. I asked for jeans and a T-shirt, and she said no. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I…." He trailed off, his faint smile leaving his face. "Look, I didn't even know she and I were actually dating until this morning, much less if she actually wanted me to tell you. As for the whole Epic thing, it's not worth it. Believe me." Sam nodded solemnly. "Oh, I believe you. These psychotic slontzes are bad enough when they try to ignore you." She looked deeper into the forest, seeing some sort of procession joining Lightwards and the other Epics. She couldn't make out the words, but she recognized Nighthound's voice echoing from the area. Nighthound. He was the poster boy for psychotic slontzes. She'd only actually been anywhere near him once for only a few minutes, and he'd made the most of squicking her out then. "If you don´t like that I can go and play with that Goth over there.” Sam still felt her skin crawl when she thought of that. Lightwards was a pompous prig. Funtimes was the most ridiculous Epic in the Fractured States. They were both monsters to one extent or another, but they were laughable monsters. Nighthound was an animal. If there'd ever been a sliver of humanity inside of him, he'd long since bound it hand and foot before torturing it to death in a torchlit basement. Revolution seemed to glance back and forth between Sam and Nathan, looking slightly dampened by their moods. She still lighted up though, smiling as she pulled them close together. Very gently, in Nathan's case. "So what are we going to do now," she whispered, her voice conspiratorial and her smile mischievous. "Shall we go lampoon us some Epics, or shall we seize upon this wonderfully Funtimes-free environment to plot our escape?"

Have there been instances of Stormlight shown leaking from her body? If I'm not mistaken, we have a WoB that says that Shallan has some Horneater heritage, and another WoB that says all Horneaters have Voidbringer heritage. In which case, the Voidbringer ability to be perfect vessels for Stormlight might be coming into play. (Actually, there's probably a much saner explanation that I'm not thinking of.)

Chicago Joe would leave Lightwards' side in a heartbeat if he heard about him, so in defense of my own interests, I'm going to say "no."

I hope so. Hmm. Remember this guy? I seriously want to see this guy as an Epic super-assassin who's left a trail of high profile corpses behind him across the Fractured States. Nobody knows his power, and nobody can prepare for him. He walks into a base and simulates intoxicant effects in all of its guards, easily overcoming the drugged personnel and eliminating his target.

Voidus has an Epic called Repairman who can save the molecular signature of an object, and can eat the same sandwich multiple times with it. Can we get him to "save" Nighthound's molecules so we can kill him over and over again?

Nighthound's one of those characters who needs the most horrifying, karmic death we can pull out of our sleeves. Personally, I'd love to see either Ray or Voidgaze giving the killing stroke, but that's just my opinion.

I tried to upvote this but Quota blocked my way. :| You and me both.

* is still ranting about the awesomeness * What if Funtimes installed gravatonics into the diamond buildings?!? Guys, we could have a floating diamond city at our disposal!

Can we install an elevator into the diamond skyscraper itself? Because that would be beyond awesome.

...I guess we don't need an elevator any more, if there's a glittering diamond skyscraper conveniently established now.

As soon as we foreshadow his mortal rivalry with Big Al. Cool! Though poor Sightline still hasn't had a chance to answer Lightwards' question, with the murderous raptor attack and now the Jagers.

Just know that while the post's number is a grey zero, a green two is more accurate. Also, is anyone else familiar with this song, and does anyone else think about it in regards to Lightwards and Funtimes chat about Nathan's secret?

...I am reminded why I never try to upvote awesome things while on a mobile. Edgedancer, would you mind cancelling out my clumsy downvote?

You can still spread computer viruses that way.

Peter Ahlstrom has seen My Little Pony before... I wonder if we could bribe him into telling Brandon about us by making an awesome Ahltrom Alicorn for him? Off topic, but I re-read Mitosis earlier, and--

GASP Funtimes isn't Discord. Calamity is Discord. I'll buy that. And someone should perhaps post this in the "Buy or Sell" game to raise public awareness.

I say we excessively refer to Doctor Funtimes across the entire forum, pushing her to become a widespread 17th Shard meme. By the time she's fully entrenched in the hearts of Sharders, Brandon Sanderson should be writing Calamity. We then launch a forum-wide campaign to have Funtimes namedropped in the novel. #calamityfuntimes

Taken from "What Happened in Oregon," Page 31: Lightwards references a voice in his head during an internal monologue, prompting all the players to begin a spirited round of Lightwards x Calamity shipping. ...It sounds like a joke we would have come up with a few weeks ago, doesn't it?

Alternate ending: Lightwards gets angry about the destruction of his minion, comes to Newcago, and shoots Brandon Sanderson. Reality explodes posthaste.