Kobold King

That is insanely, almost dreadfully perfect. Unless the informant didn't know the whole plan... maybe the informant just thinks he's gathering general information, and isn't actually part of a kidnapping plan? I'd support that. Maybe Terry Bloom serves with distinction against the pandas and gets a promotion, somehow?

That could easily work as an alternate universe. (And is simpler than my default suggestion of having the Sibyl team up with Koschei. ) Backtrack in 2021 would still have been a drifter, working for small Epic gangs across the west coast. I think he'd have avoided any particularly large or ambitious groups, preferring to run errands for smaller scale Epics like the Museum Quartet. How would Koschei have reacted to Backtrack? Would he have seen him as useful enough to bother with?

Color me interested--the idea's' as immensely intriguing as it is patently impossible. The main drawback is that this would require Koschei still being alive, which is too horrifying to contemplate even for a second.

Hoid walks into a bar.* * For the punchline to this and every other Hoid joke, please wait for Dragonsteel to be released.

Great. Now I've got to split my upvotes with a bunch of insane blind dwarves. Since when can I get multiple curses from a single innocent wish? Granted. All foods and beverages will taste like chipotle steak burritos to you from now on.

Granted. You are transported to Mars without a spacesuit or a way to return. I wish for the ability to summon duplicates of myself from other universes.

...Can I start characterizing Lightwards as Oregon's Vizzini? I think there's a set number of posts that can exist on a single page. I think... something like twenty posts? It's no secret that sympathetic!Backtrack began when Lightwards scared the wits out of him at the Museum. I've been thinking of how Backtrack will react to the revelation of Koschei's death; he'll probably be more inclined to start crying in relief than start firing into full slontze mode. Of course, he'll have a fair bit more slontziness ahead of him when he returns to Portland and his forced to use his powers constantly. But I think he's neatly set up for a redemptive story arc if he manages to get back to The Dalles.

Koschei's everlasting legacy: putting cloaks back in vogue. I feel an inordinate amount of pleasure when one of my posts begins a new page in the RP.

Autumn "Not an Epic" Glass was actually turning out to be quite a pleasant person. Granted, she probably didn't have much of a choice in the matter--unpleasant vanillas were generally weeded out in a "survival of the nicest" sort of manner. Whether Autumn Glass was nice by nature or by natural selection was irrelevant, though. Backtrack savored the company of one of the few non-slontzes he'd met today. They walked past lines of church offices, occasionally pausing to let squads of soldiers pass them in the cramped halls. And as they went, Autumn to her boss and Backtrack to the first of many painful deaths, Autumn described her past life as a minister. It had been a while since Backtrack had seen the past through another's eyes. He listened with rapt interest as Autumn recounted her days at Mount Hood. She talked of parents and theology and denominations and Hanukkah, and Backtrack drank it all in. As a rule he'd never been very religious, but there was something compelling about the mental picture she painted--a warm, tight group of friends sheltering together from Calamity's ravages. He wasn't quite sure why the thought appealed to him so much. Maybe it was because he was so accustomed to getting threatened and pushed around by tougher Epics. In any case, it was comforting to hear the woman's voice drone on about her old life. His own thoughts were too occupied wondering whether Koschei preferred the term "Your Excellency" or "Your Majesty" to offer much solace. Too soon, Autumn's friendly speech was cut off by the crackling of the radio. A curt, dry voice like burning leaves cut through the static: "A reminder from Daniel Dewhickey. Being invaded by weaponized pandas is not an excuse for forgetting established protocols. Nor is it an excuse for losing all sense of order and sanity. Thank you." Weaponized pandas? Backtrack thought blankly. Surely that must be code for something. Before he could dig much deeper into the mystery of Daniel Dewhickey's irritable reminder, Autumn Glass turned back to him with a smile. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ramble," she said, her cheeriness in stark contrast to the blaring sirens in the background. "You're from Portland, correct?" Backtrack shook his head nervously as they walked. "Uh, no. I just came to Portland yesterday. I was kind of unemployed, and you know, an unemployed Epic who can't defend himself is as good as a goner." He gulped, unsure of whether to continue. On the one hand, he wasn't quite comfortable with detailing his life history with a complete stranger. On the other hand... well, the matter of what term of address Koschei would demand before slitting his throat was not a cheery subject. "I grew up in San Francisco," he continued, slightly more boldly. "I didn't do anything of interest. When I was seventeen I started working at a 7-Eleven, and the job sort of stuck until, you know, the apocalypse happened. "I didn't get my powers right away, and when I did... well, they're not really the kind of 'supernatural, god-among-men' kind of powers other Epics got. I can see the past. And mostly, the past is made up of a whole lot of idiots getting themselves killed over the course of history. It's slightly humbling, and all terrifying." He sighed. "I had to skip town after I became an Epic. There were a lot of bigger Epics interested in San Fran, and not all of them were happy with a guy who could see their pasts. A lot of them seemed to think I might find their weaknesses, and they weren't too keen on letting me live long enough to do it. I've sort of spent the last few years drifting around the west coast doing odd jobs for guys tougher than me. A few weeks ago I started following a resurrection Epic named Thomas Cardinal--he prefers you call him Lightwards--and he ended up sending me here to get the dirt on someone. Then those soldiers dragged me here, and Reader shot me... but you know all that." He paused for a moment before giving her a nervous look. "Uh... how far until we get to... 'til we get to your healer?"

Oh, how I wish I could upvote a post more than once. I think everybody in my house heard me laughing over this line.

Please tell me they go out for coffee after this. (I didn't know CorpseMaker's name was Cormac. I'm going to have a hard time not thinking of him as Jeffrey. )

A few minutes ago I was at 5998 and still a Sliver; I left and came back online to find myself at 6005 and a Herald. I'll let you lot add that to the list while I figure out who took my Honorblade.

Thanks. Arsenal's a tall man with darkish, somewhat leathery skin. Mixed race and in his 50s, and a bit frail in appearance. He wears a nice green turtleneck and somewhat more rugged blue jeans, with a gunbelt fixed with a number of heavy pistols at his side. He's best known for having a stern glare and perpetually angry eyebrows. Sure, I can do that.

He could always be the first victim of Epic!Unicyclist.

It says a lot about Nighthound that the same quote can easily refer to his relationship with two different women and two different crimes--double homicide and sexual harassment. Pardon me for a moment, I feel a chant comin' on. And then Nighthound died. And then Nighthound died. And then Nighthound died. And then Nighthound died...

Here it is Edgedancer, most likely the first of several. If the client wishes, there's still time to find a less creeptastic quote.

Looking through Nighthound's early posts, I keep finding gems like these: Has he ever said anything decent?

I'd be glad to make some. They're really not that hard--all I do is use a website to convert the pictures to black and white, and then use Microsoft Paint to add the infoboxes. I'd have to really struggle to not use "And then Nighthound died" as Nighthound's quote. He's also rather unlikely to have used ponies in his files.

Profile pictures for Mailliw: In other news, I got bored and drudged up another file from David's desk. He's going to get mad at me if I keep taking these without asking.

I like it too. Though I'm just now realizing... I have no idea how Backtrack would respond to that odd message. Maybe he'd assume Lightwards was storming the town with an army of zombie pandas?

I refuse to believe Doctor Funtimes' emergency broadcasts would sound anything different from this. I for one wouldn't offer any reasons. Some things are simply too awesome to be stopped.

That could definitely work. Will she hear Arsenal's "reminder" over the radio? I for one would pay good money to see Funtimes hugging Arsenal. She could hug everyone in The Dalles, for that matter. Especially Panda.

Depending on how it's phrased, it might be a little too subtle for Backtrack to comprehend. (This is the same man who suspects hiking boots to be Lightwards' weakness.) But then, in his panicked, dreading mind anything can be twisted around to be sinister. Bonus points if she mentions her being a minister, helping people come into contact with the one true God. Strongly worded complaints.

When in doubt, torment Backtrack. In other news, we finally meet the one man in Oregon with less joy and whimsy in him than Lightwards. Boy am I looking forward to introducing Arsenal to Doctor Funtimes.