The Girl Who Talked to the Wind - Prologue

[Inky]

Hello! I'm writing a fantasy adventure novel with a lot of unnecessary worldbuilding! Here's the prologue, if anyone's interested: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X1Zz1IEeY2UNFUEnV6wEVqRpaEn5DSjsn85Lqni3LDE/edit?usp=sharing 

 

I'm always open for critique! Tell me what you think.

[Ixthos Luke/Luke]

Interesting :-) which type of critique are you most interested in? Grammar, story flow?

[Nathrangking he/him]

The concept is interesting. The flow though does not really work for me. It did not feel natural to me.

Edited August 9, 2019 by Nathrangking

[Inky]

1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

The concept is interesting. The flow though does not really work for me. It did not feel natural to me.

Thanks for the crit! Can you elaborate so I know what to fix?

[Nathrangking he/him]

8 minutes ago, Inky said:

Thanks for the crit! Can you elaborate so I know what to fix?

Specifically things like: 

As Luzhin walked down the streets patterned with splinters and broken glass, he noticed the the hand of a young girl reaching out from the snow. Luzhin’s heart rate began to intensify, and he rushed over to the pile of snow where the girl’s hand was poking out of. Luzhin reached into the snow and grabbed both sides of the girl’s body. It was small and thin, but surprisingly heavy. 

With a heavy grunt, Luzhin ripped the girl from her snowy prison, and placed her down gently on the snow beside him. He looked over the body. It was one he recognized, belonging to the young daughter of Amlu, the local tanner. He’d recognize her short, sun-colored hair anywhere. Her body lay still and stiff, and her skin as pale as a Gish princess’. Her muddied golden eyes remained open, reminding Luzhin of a dying man who had realized he had wasted his life. But this girl was not an elder, she was barely twelve years old. 

This is description heavy which goes after my own heart however, it does seem to sacrifice narrative flow and cut the story short. It hurts the flow. Try to incorporate the heavy background and description into the narrative in a way which allows things to progress naturally.