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Robinski - 180122 - TCC Chapter 4 - 3114 words (LS)


Robinski

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Hey everyone,

So, you've made it this far into TCC (I hope! Or maybe you haven't...) on the back of M&Q doing their thing. Here comes something else...

1) As usual, and for new critics, please do not use full names or unique words in your critique;

2) It's marked 'L', although I honestly can't remember if there is any language in it;

3) It's marked 'S' for sexual references, oblique ones;

4) Any and all comments welcomed. Please don't feel that, if you haven't read the other chapters, you can't read this one. Any comments on language and just the happens of one chapter out of context of the whole story are still very much appreciated.

Best, Robinski 

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Interesting chapter. This seems like a departure from what I've read about Q&M--I enjoyed it though, and looking forward to how the duo encounter and deal with the monsters, as I'm sure that's going to happen...

It does make me wonder a bit more about the worldbuilding as well. You haven't said much about how/where humans are colonizing other planets. Do they have lightspeed/wormhole tech?
 
E is an interesting character--ruthless and abitious. She gets a little into the trope of the over-sexualized power hungry woman, but I think it still works in this case, personally


Notes while reading:"
pg 3-4: The vibe in this chapter is much like in The Expanse, dealing with the companies researching the protomolecule.

pg 5: Not sure the POV from the monster really adds anything.

pg 5: Yep--still getting the same impression of The Expanse.

pg 6: "when you could bread hybrid "
--breed

pg 9: "That was on film of course"
--not sure what this means in relation to the rest of paragraph.

pg 11: "if you couldn’t be prejudice in war"
--prejudiced

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...one of the C {you used the same word twice on either side of the brackets, and is not capitalized. I think this is a mistake} c made an unprovoked gesture towards one from the other pair. Remove one?

 

So, the story is very much not to my tastes, I will confess. Good job making the last cage chilling. Though I could not feel chill with a heater blowing into my face, but I am very sure I should have felt a shiver attempting to invade my spine.

Not much else for me to add, I'm afraid. There were some spelling minor type-o kind of mistakes near the beginning. But pointing those out always makes me feel so guilty and hypocritical.

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Great chapter, I very much enjoyed reading it, despite the big, prominent, flashback indicator at the very start. I’m not a fan of flashbacks.

 

Flashback: Like I said, not the biggest fan of flashback chapters to be honest and seeing the “X days earlier” prominently at the start instantly put me on guard, and a little predisposed not to like it. I’m more of a believer that if something important happened to the main characters that the reader should know about (and be explicitly shown in a chapter) that takes place before the main sequence, than maybe the story should have actually started there.

Then I started reading and saw that the chapter has different characters and a different location, rather than being about Q and M in a time before the main sequence of the story, so it doesn’t register as a flashback scene for me. Huge relief.

Since you have the timestamps at the start of each chapter anyway, do you really need the “X days earlier” marker? I think if the time skip was introduced a little more subtly that it wouldn’t have raised my hackles. And are we going to get more of these flashback-type chapters or is this the only one? If it’s the latter maybe this should be a prologue instead?

 

E: I like this character. She’s ruthless and knows what she wants and how to get it.

 

Raptors: Love it, that’s exactly what I would do if I had the technology to bring back extinct species *hums theme song of Jurassic Park*

 

Last pen: Now I’m really curious as to who or what is kept behind that mirror, if it even gives E. pause.

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Overall

Interesting start, but seems to lack a through line. What is the purpose of this chapter? I enjoy E (notes below), but what is her motivation? Her objective? What is she trying to accomplish in this chapter? It seems like the chapter is truncated almost, like there is another segment missing.

Other than that, just the comments below. If E is a lesbian, and you're up for talking more about how to write her in a slightly different version of male gaze that'll read authentic, let me know! 

10 hours ago, Mandamon said:

She gets a little into the trope of the over-sexualized power hungry woman

I read her like this, too. And either she is a True Power Femme, or a female Q.

6 hours ago, Asmodemon said:

so it doesn’t register as a flashback scene for me. Huge relief.

Same. Apprehension at first, but all was well!

 

As I go

- interesting idea to have a full flashback chapter, but I'm game

- pleased to see a POV change pushed back a few chapters. I'm invested enough in the world already to be curious about a new POV!

- page three: okay.... interesting lead with the character giving a blowjob for a ... job. The CSO appears to be female (hoorah!), but it took me a second read through to catch that because you used the term 'blow', which is generally not how a lesbian would refer to that particular act (in the US, anyway). Options could include (and we'll see how many of these get bleeped out--to the admins, please don't shoot me!): (hidden text so as to not scar the innocent)

Spoiler

 

any iteration of 'eating out', carpet munching, basically anything next to the word 'lick' or 'licking', poon job (the actual direct switch for blowjob), sitting on her face, go down on, etc.


 

- page seven: while I'm engaged, I have some concerns about our power femme here being the villain. That treads on some really bad history, especially in the sort of pulp crime noir genre you're echoing with the series. 

- page seven: if our lead is in fact lesbian (and not just willing to do anything to get ahead), I'd suggest something other than 'daddy issues'. While generalizations can be made about women going after men like their fathers and men going after women like their mothers (in the heteronormative model), it would stand to reason then that a lesbian would go after someone like their mother. In my experience though, power femmes like our main protag here tend to either attract other power femmes, or passive butches. If you wanted to make a more 'community' line, I'd suggest something like 'Butch / femme issues perhaps, but...'

- LOL@ Jurassic Park reference!

- they used cassowary DNA? Those things are mean!

- I find the description of M on page ten not very realistic from what we know of E. She describes him like a straight woman would.

- page 11: so is E like, a female version of Q? I find this hilarious

- page twelve: arc? 

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Overall:

I'm struggling to articulate what I think here, I think that means I'm on the fence. It's been a busy week for me, so that may be reflected in my feedback. I got the urge to skip-read early, maybe my patience was low and this was the wrong thing to read?

See my notes, but I'm not sure I like where this is headed plot wise, it feels a little too familiar. E on the other hand started fresh, I dig her, but she doesn't feel complete, I'm not sure I got enough of her to make my mind up. 

Notes:

- A note on what came before, when we leave Q&M in c3 the hook isn't strong enough to then go "9 days earlier" in c4 - just a thought, but I think you could lose readers at this point.

- "assignation", I learnt a new word

- "Blown" I believe is not the correct word for the act, it implies too much that Glenda is a man, and she is clearly not. Unless, she's of an unknown gender type, or something like that (I'm looking at @kais for no reason at all)

- On Page 4, not sure what's going on ... Is that a problem?

- "She felt that jerk in her stomach again. No, it was lower, her gut." technically the stomach is the gut ... Maybe in the pit or stomach? Maybe in her bowels? Maybe even in the rectum? We don't know ... 

- What's with the monster POV?

- Is there a tone issue here? c1-3 is all about art, and elections, and slow drives in the country-side ... Now we're in deep sci-fi territory, almost reminiscent of Aliens, and yeah I'd echo @Mandamon that I see parallels to The Expanse. Maybe it wouldn't be an issue if I'd read previous stories.

- I'd echo @kais on the power femme, lesbian thing. "Daddy issues" could be done, but doing it right would be the key.

- I'd ditch the Jurrasic Park reference, we're starting to get into same same territory with some kind of genetically bred super-alien killing machines. I'm not saying this is bad, butv on the surface here and it looks too similar.

- The ending is interesting, but I'm not sure it's enough. Especially since I didn't feel like E- had a complete introduction, and I don't know what she wants, or where she wanst to go.

 

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Overall -- E is an interesting character (with a couple caveats, that @kais covered very well), and with a couple chapters under my belt, I don't mind the POV switch. I enjoyed it, I dig mad science created creatures (especially with dinosaurs!), however, I'm left feeling like this is only the first half of something. I don't get a good sense of any resolution, and not much direction. It feels a bit like a character exercise to me.

 

As i go:

I like the "9 days earlier" label, I like relative times in general more than specific dates but that's just me.  Combined with the highly detailed chapter header, though, they both do feel a bit redundant with each other. My suggestion would be to thin out the regular chapter header, maybe to just the location information, but @Asmodemon suggestion would work just as well too, probably. 

I like that E is so driven and assertive, but I personally find the sex-as-career-advancement trope distasteful in any context, so that dims my enthusiasm for her by a good amount. 

It's the scifi space future and they're still using exploding slave collars?  Can they at least have nanomachines? Nanomachines are inherently cooler.  It would even solve the problem of the "ones that lack necks." ;) 

I am unsure either sharks or hyenas use heat to hunt (isn't that usually snakes?), but then again, I suppose if one is already making genetic abominations of science, they might as well add a few more minor traits from elsewhere into the mix...

lol, thank you for mentioning they were movie raptors. The dinosaur nerd in me appreciates the distinction. 

The extra kill switch for the released creatures sounds slightly redundant with the slave collars (and could be obviated by nanomachines! :D). 

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One thing I forgot to mention but feel is relevant is how E especially worries about touching the scientist (forgot her name, sorry, I am bad with names) to comfort her when they stand in front of the mirror window. Generally, women tend, from my observations, and Time magazine at one point :ph34r: , which state women tend to see physical contact differently. We guys, we don't touch, not unless there is significant meaning behind the gesture, hence our natural immediate sexual presumptions about doing it and observing it happen. But women are more openly physical. They will hug on meeting good friends, or for comfort, and touch each other for reassurance where it's warranted, such as the scene described in the chapter. Obvious, or constant overt pawing is one thing for E to consider, it is quite another for her to believe any touching at all to be an issue, and makes her attitude come across as a bit... unnatural to me.

My suggestion: remove her internal worrying over the touch. Make it a natural, normal touch of the arm for reassurance in the face of something so  apparently traumatic. In my opinion, combining the horror of what lies behind that mirror wall with E's sexual paranoia is jarring. Sex is distracting. Make sure it doesn't take away from the focus of a scene. Like a painting, we want to focus on the main subject, not its surroundings and their highlights. Though again, in this case the gesture wasn't sexual, and the reference thereof is misplaced given context.

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22 hours ago, toomsta said:

(I'm looking at @kais for no reason at all)

LOL!

58 minutes ago, Curiosity's Splinter said:

it is quite another for her to believe any touching at all to be an issue, and makes her attitude come across as a bit... unnatural to me.

I actually found this part one of the most realistic. This kind of situation has happened to me, where perceived female culture butts against consent rules. Lesbians can generally get away with a lot more that would generally be considered douchey behavior if a man were to do it, but there's a ton of emotional conflict that goes along with most actions like this, too. 

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But E wasn't making the attempt at sexual contact. I may be misremembering the scene, but described as a case whereby E thought her partner would perceive it as a purely sexual move when touching someone is more often not a sexually provocative act. Again, this is between two females. Or are you woman? Sorry, can't tell. It did not feel right, but contrived. If the goal of the scene were sexual contact and E was just using the mirror as an excuse, then sure. But that was not the case or point so far as I recall.

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Hey Man, thanks for reading.

On 22/01/2018 at 4:00 PM, Mandamon said:

Do they have lightspeed/wormhole tech?

It is now explained a little more in TMM (which is Book 1 for those that don't know). Some guy discovered FTL and donated it to the UN, empowering an organisation that was increasingly marginalised through the first century of the millennium.

On 22/01/2018 at 4:00 PM, Mandamon said:

the trope of the over-sexualized power hungry woman

Hmm, okay, I'll need to watch that. Don't want to overdo that. There is a bit of telling in relation to her background. No doubt this first draft will be tweaked along the way.

On 22/01/2018 at 4:00 PM, Mandamon said:

much like in The Expanse

I'm taking that as a plus, thanks! I've watched, but never read the Expanse.

On 22/01/2018 at 4:00 PM, Mandamon said:

Not sure the POV from the monster really adds anything.

Yeah, I was experimenting with the experiment. I doubt it will last longer than this draft.

On 22/01/2018 at 4:00 PM, Mandamon said:

That was on film of course

Ha, me neither. I've subbed 'that was in theory'. Don't now quite what I had intended originally :huh:

Thanks for the typos too. Very helpful, ta!

<R>

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23 hours ago, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Or are you woman?

I am not a woman, but I'm willing to bet I'm the closest anyone on this board is to a lesbian.

23 hours ago, Curiosity's Splinter said:

It did not feel right, but contrived.

Likely that's because this is pretty far outside most people's lanes. We're conditioned by media as to what 'normal' female interactions are, and what 'normal' male reactions are. Trick is, people are a lot more varied than media would have us believe, and queer people don't tend to fit as well into those arbitrary bubbles. In fact, lesbians may often seem to skew more 'male' socialized, and gay men more 'female' socialized (although in fact both groups are just as diverse as hetero people). That can cause discord for people.

And like, you're not alone in this. @Robinski surely remembers my Magda character, acting in a way that if Q did, I'd call Robinski out for. There's a different set of 'rules,' and a different culture, for how people interact outside of the heteronormative model. The first few times you're exposed to it, it can seem really strange, but it's just like, say, going to a new country. Take some time, look around, try the food. It'll grow on you. 

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Hey, thank you for reading. I appreciate you haven't read earlier chapters and this is not the primary POV. That's not meant to be an excuse, but I totally respect something not being your thing.

On 22/01/2018 at 7:07 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

...one of the C {you used the same word twice on either side of the brackets, and is not capitalized. I think this is a mistake} c made an unprovoked gesture towards one from the other pair. Remove one?

I copied scientific name format from Wiki. I expect the good people of RE will haul me over the coals if I have it wrong. I'll sit back an await an avalanche of learned opinion :) 

On 22/01/2018 at 7:07 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

So, the story is very much not to my tastes, I will confess. Good job making the last cage chilling. Though I could not feel chill with a heater blowing into my face, but I am very sure I should have felt a shiver attempting to invade my spine.

That's perfect, thanks! And an excellent example of valuable critique of a story not having read other chapters or being aware of the story threads, etc.

On 22/01/2018 at 7:07 PM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Not much else for me to add, I'm afraid. There were some spelling minor type-o kind of mistakes near the beginning. But pointing those out always makes me feel so guilty and hypocritical.

Hey, I've made a 'career' on here of being hypocritical. It's the cornerstone of good critiquing. 'Don't do as I do, do as I say.' My point being, don't feel guilty on my account; feel free to lay into all the typos you like, should you read any of my other stuff down the road :) 

Great to have you onboard.

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Awesome to have your comments, @Asmodemon, as always!

On 22/01/2018 at 8:24 PM, Asmodemon said:

Great chapter, I very much enjoyed reading it, despite the big, prominent, flashback indicator at the very start. I’m not a fan of flashbacks.

I'm really glad you enjoyed it despite of the flashback 'warning'. I note what you say about putting this chapter first, like a prologue (but not called Prologue--no, no--I've learned that lesson!!). My problem there was that Book 1 (TMM) an NPC opening (albeit it was the antagonist), and I quite rightly got some brickbats about not getting to the main characters until later, and them not meeting for some time. So, my approach to TCC was to avoid that. It does produce this situation of the flashback. I wanted a great big sign on the front because I suspect a lot of people don't read the dates and times, or skim over them at least.

I'm going to leave it as is for now, but will be monitoring the situation. Thanks for flagging it.

On 22/01/2018 at 8:24 PM, Asmodemon said:

Then I started reading and saw that the chapter has different characters and a different location, rather than being about Q and M in a time before the main sequence of the story, so it doesn’t register as a flashback scene for me. Huge relief.

Awesome, so we're good. I take your point that the time is kind of irrelevant, and it's not really a flashback, as these characters are not in a contemporaneous time stream, presently. Continuing...

On 22/01/2018 at 8:24 PM, Asmodemon said:

I like this character. She’s ruthless and knows what she wants and how to get it.

Excellent! A vote for E. She's fun to write.

On 22/01/2018 at 8:24 PM, Asmodemon said:

Love it, that’s exactly what I would do if I had the technology to bring back extinct species

Dah-dah dah dah dah. Da-da-da dah dah daah daaaaah...   <thumbs up>

On 22/01/2018 at 8:24 PM, Asmodemon said:

Now I’m really curious as to who or what is kept behind that mirror

Gotcha! Closed box = massive promise to the reader = loaded gun = ?

Thanks again. Really helpful :) 

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Hell's teeth!! @kais, I had typed this really quite detailed response to your comments and Safari just crashed and I've lost it :angry:

Ergo, this will be shorter than the original intended version, because I LOATHE going back to try and recreate stuff that I've sweated over once already.

So, I do remember starting with how I eagerly anticipated, but also slightly feared reading your comments each week. This week is no expiation, but these are of course most excellent comments and exceptionally helpful.

I'm glad the 'flashback' and POV things worked. The POV thing was very conscious. I really learned that lesson pretty well on TMM, I think. E is edited now. She's not fully card-carrying member of the lesbian sorority, more the ambitious, power-hungry type. Thanks for your guidance on 'L' words. I did know most of them, but not the 'P' word. I was trying to avoid using one of those pejorative terms, and ended up fluffing it complete. I think it was a lazy attempt at some kind of mixed-metaphor, but just ends up plain lazy. So, I've used the 'D' word instead, because I wanted to not attract too much attention to the word itself, to make it sound like a natural thing for E to do.

Am interested in whether you saw particular things that pointed you to E being the villain, or whether it was a vague notion from nothing specific?

I've edited the 'daddy issue' bit, changing the sense a bit, I think, without removing the phrase.

"Hey, Bob, these things just aren't mean enough."  "Okay, Tani. I've got a five gallon drum of cassowary in the store. Let's dump that in. What's the worst that can happen?" :lol: 

I've tweaked her internal description of M, and also I'm adding another scene. I've punched up the arc by planting a very clear and strong motivation in E at the beginning and played that through the chapter to the new (short) scene at the end. I went into TCC with the very clear goal of being much strong on chapter arcs, which I didn't even consciously consider in TMM. This was the first chapter that I submitted without editing beforehand, and, clearly, it showed! Thanks for calling me on this.\

E is intended to be somewhere between power femme and female Q. Maybe the comparison is too heavy handed, dunno. Let's see, shall we?

Awesome comments. Really appreciated. I may come back to you on the lesbian thing, thanks for the offer. I'll see how it plays going forward.

:) 

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On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

I got the urge to skip-read early, maybe my patience was low and this was the wrong thing to read?

Hey toomsta, I'm really glad you had the energy to read this! I've really appreciated your comments these past couple of weeks. Non-specifics are just fine. If you're toiling over it, then there's a good chance something isn't right somewhere.

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

I'm not sure I like where this is headed plot wise, it feels a little too familiar.

Hmm, can I ask from where? X-files by any chance? I don't say that because it was a conscious inspiration, but I could well be an unconscious one, I have just realised!

Quote

E on the other hand started fresh, I dig her, but she doesn't feel complete, I'm not sure I got enough of her to make my mind up.

That's cool. Very pleased. As I said to Kais, I've punched up her motivation and given her specific goals. I'm all caught up with Writing Excuses now, so keeping pace with the new season (13) which is all on character. It's super helpful and I'm trying to apply some of it right now in fixing E in this chapter. Thanks for calling me on it.

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

when we leave Q&M in c3 the hook isn't strong enough to then go "9 days earlier"

Okay. For what it's worth, I already punched up Chp 3 in response to the previous comments, so I hope it's a bit stronger. I'll see how it plays next time I submit the story somewhere. Thanks for this thought. This stuff is gold dust, even just to see how many people mention certain things.

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

"assignation", I learnt a new word

Cool :)

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

"Blown"

Yeah, all over that. Thanks for adding to the clarion call of 'That's wrong!'

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

technically the stomach is the gut

Good shout. I moved on too quickly from this, it doesn't sound right, I agree. Researching it however, I see that gut is defined as stomach or belly, and yet the diagrams show stomach higher up than the belly, and all the intestines below it. When spilling guts is talked about, it's almost always in reference to intestines snaking all over the place. Anyway, if there's any chance it causes doubt, I'll try another word.

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

What's with the monster POV?

It was an experiment, now gone.

[Not done, but I was getting nervous about Safari crashing on me again. To be continued...]

Edited by Robinski
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Response: Part Deux!

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

Maybe it wouldn't be an issue if I'd read previous stories.

I think that's right. Book 1 starts on Earth, then goes in a space elevator to a settlement on the Moon. I think if anything, if you'd read Book 1, you'd be thinking this wasn't very SF in Chp. 1 to 3, what's going on? I think we're good. But Mand, Kais and I-Dragon all read Book 1, so I'm content that they'll call me out if M&Q's stuff is a bit too Little House on the Prairie.

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

I'd ditch the Jurrasic Park reference

Hmm. There seems to be a little bit more on the plus side for this, but maybe on 2-1 so far. I'll see how the vote is by the end of the critiques.

On 25/01/2018 at 4:28 AM, toomsta said:

The ending is interesting, but I'm not sure it's enough. Especially since I didn't feel like E- had a complete introduction, and I don't know what she wants, or where she wanst to go.

Very much edited now, so hopefully these aspects are better. Thanks for calling it. And thank you for all your comments. Really helpful :) 

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Ah, my bronchitis has returned. (Not that it ever really left...) But with it strangely has come clarity. I do think what I said still stands, that is, not intertwining sexual tension with scenes like the mirror, particularly with horror (as I find that downright satanic), that does not mean it CAN'T be done. In fact, I'd say it would work as character development, showing the character, E in particular, is sex-crazed or hyper-sensative/paranoid about public perception of her. So if that's the impression desired, it works, but it will still take focus. I just want to make clear that it still develops the character, even if in a way I personally do not approve of.

Hope that makes more sense. It actually does less to me on paper than in my scatter-brain.:unsure:

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Hey ID, always please to have tour comments, which are never dull, and always make stuff better :) 

On 25/01/2018 at 10:26 PM, industrialistDragon said:

E is an interesting character (with a couple caveats, that @kais covered very well), and with a couple chapters under my belt, I don't mind the POV switch. I enjoyed it, I dig mad science created creatures (especially with dinosaurs!), however, I'm left feeling like this is only the first half of something. I don't get a good sense of any resolution, and not much direction. It feels a bit like a character exercise to me.

Yeah, E has much more in the way of motivation and goals now. Season 13 of WE is telling me the same things. It's like everyone is shouting the same thing at me... :unsure: ...in a good way!

Another vote for mad scientist with crazy creatures, and dinosaurs. Hurrah!

On 25/01/2018 at 10:26 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I like relative times in general more than specific dates but that's just me.

I'll think on this. It is a bit of a sledgehammer, but you kinda confirm that the detailed dates might be skipped over by more people than read them. We'll see.

On 25/01/2018 at 10:26 PM, industrialistDragon said:

I personally find the sex-as-career-advancement trope distasteful in any context

Yes, okay. I think it's clear enough by the end of the chapter that she is very capable, and I start laying that out from the start, I think, but I accept that it appears she only got the job because of Approach (C), even though (A) and (B) show her being resourceful. I'll try and fix that.

On 25/01/2018 at 10:26 PM, industrialistDragon said:

Can they at least have nanomachines? It would even solve the problem of the "ones that lack necks." ;) 

LOL - yes; it's a deal.

On 25/01/2018 at 10:26 PM, industrialistDragon said:

lol, thank you for mentioning they were movie raptors. The dinosaur nerd in me appreciates the distinction

My pleasure.

On 25/01/2018 at 10:26 PM, industrialistDragon said:

sounds slightly redundant with the slave collars (and could be obviated by nanomachines!

Yeah, yeah--nanomachines---I get it :P 

Thank you, ID. Great comments, much appreciated.

<R>

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4 minutes ago, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Hope that makes more sense. It actually does less to me on paper than in my scatter-brain.:unsure:

Hey, thanks for 'having another go' at this, Splinter. Your comment about the satanic chill alone is a great motivator that I'm on the right track with this scene, in that respect. I'll take another look at the sexual dynamics when I read it through again once all the other fixes are in. <salutes>*

*Hey @Silk, can we get some more emoticons around here? 

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4 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hmm, can I ask from where? X-files by any chance? I don't say that because it was a conscious inspiration, but I could well be an unconscious one, I have just realised!

Yeah it has a very X-Files feel to it, and Aliens, and Expanse ... and I even watched the Osiris child the other night and guess what? Genetically bred monsters used to clear out the local population of planets ... LOL 

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8 hours ago, toomsta said:

Yeah it has a very X-Files feel to it, and Aliens, and Expanse ... and I even watched the Osiris child the other night and guess what? Genetically bred monsters used to clear out the local population of planets ... LOL 

Tarnation! There's nothing new under the sun, as someone once said. Who was that...? <G**gles> Oh, yes, it was God.

A phrase adapted from the Book of Ecclesiastes; the author complains frequently in the book about the monotony of life. The entire passage reads, “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.”

Thanks, toomsta. I'll just write it the best I can and see if I can make mine better!! <clenches fist determinedly, like the infant in all those memes>

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On 26/01/2018 at 2:10 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

My suggestion: remove her internal worrying over the touch. Make it a natural, normal touch of the arm for reassurance in the face of something so  apparently traumatic.

I really appreciate you digging into this, Curiosity. It's been very helpful to the re-analysis of this strand if the chapter. Because of earlier changes and work on E's motivations and goals, I've kept the non-touch actually, but hung a lantern on it (as Brandon would say), by folding into the thread that now runs through the chapter (I hope!).

On 26/01/2018 at 2:10 AM, Curiosity's Splinter said:

Sex is distracting. Make sure it doesn't take away from the focus of a scene.

Excellent point, and I trust I will watch out for this at other key moments.

13 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hey, thanks for 'having another go' at this, Splinter. Your comment about the satanic chill alone is a great motivator that I'm on the right track with this scene**, in that respect. I'll take another look at the sexual dynamics when I read it through again once all the other fixes are in. <salutes>*

*Hey @Silk, can we get some more emoticons around here? 

**Assuming you meant this in relation to the scene, and not the general principle.

:) 

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