2-3-2014_The Goat_Piercing the Veil_Ch.3 Heston

[The Goat he/him]

Okay, so this is the last viewpoint character in this story for quite some time. 
 

So far we have seen an assassin Tarrito speak to Galen about stealing a book from the Queen's library. Galen stole the book and escaped from Liaf a member of the Queen's guard. That is where Ch. 3 picks up.

 

I don't have any specifics to look for this time. Just give me feedback on the basic stuff: What's cool, what's confusing, what's poorly done, etc.

 

Thanks!

 

[Mandamon he/him]

pg 1: Heston might be pretty naive, but it takes a special kind of stupid to ask someone with "the look of a coiled snake waiting for the opportunity to strike" to sit down because he looks out of place...

Especially as he DOES seem to know what Tarrito is capable of.

 

pg 3: "They walked straight to the bar, talking loudly and jesting with Heston."

--This seemed off, I think because you haven't moved Tarrito out of scene yet (the next sentence) and I'm imagining a bunch of farmers trying to jest with the innkeep's son around the evil-looking assassin sitting at the bar talking to him.  They would be asking questions first.

 

 

I'm not sure why the guard puched out Heston.  He answered his question, and pretty well, too.  He has seen lots of strange people coming in the tavern.  The guard captain's next question should be to narrow it down to the ones he's looking for, not incapacitate a good source of information.

Did the guard see the foreign coins?  You've said Heston could be killed for having them, but I don't know how well they might be recognized, flying through the air.

 

Overall, it's still interesting, but Heston almost seems unnecessary at this point.  The chapter could have been from Tarrito's POV just as easily, and with more detail about what was happening since he's trained.  They've been planning whatever they're going to do for several chapters now.  I'm ready for them to get on with it and show off what Tarrito and Galen are capable of.

[Robinski he/him]

Detailed comments below, but in general I toiled a bit with this chapter. It is a very standard situation. Mysterious men come into a bar, act mysteriously. Soldiers raid the place and they disappear. Also, considering that Tarrito killed a man in a public place for even the merest chance that the trail he had left might be followed to the plotters, now he’s trusting a man who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it, almost on a whim. I don’t think that’s consistent behaviour.

 

To try and summarise, I just felt that this chapter lacked the spark of the first two chapters, the tension when Tarrito killed his contact in such a dangerous way, and then (to a lesser extent) the mystery of Liaf searching in the dark then pursuing the unknown interloper.

 

Also, having now read Mandamon's comments, I agree about the coins flying through the air, although I suppose if they were obvioulsy gold that might raise suspicision.

 

Lastly, I got no sense that it was Galen who stole the book. How were we supposed to spot that? If there was a clue, I don't think it was clear enough.

 

Page 1

 

Why would Tarrito lean on his daggers in such a blatant way? Surely, he would realise how much attention that would draw.

 

The phrase ‘reverse rain’ is rather un-poetic (anti-poetic?).

 

Page 2

 

‘said the nervous joke’ sounds awkward. To me you tell or deliver a joke, or possibly speak it.

 

Page 3

 

If I were Tarrito I really don’t think I would put my trust in a man who is at first blasé then uncertain about joining in, he sounds like the sort who would bolt at the first sign of trouble. Then Tarrito says that he doesn’t know if he can trust Heston, after saying all that he wants is someone he can trust. Something seems out of step in this conversation.

 

Page 8

 

It seems to me that they have already failed to avoid raising suspicion, Tarrito by leaning on his daggers and sitting in the darkest corner of the inn, and Galen by making an entrance that attracted everyone’s attention, dressing in black and standing with the door opening before joining the other mysterious stranger in the darkest corner of the bar.

 

Page 9

 

‘lost it’ – Lost what? I don’t think a modern expression fits in fantasy narrative, not this one anyway, it’s too imprecise. What has he lost, his temper, his patience?

 

Page 10

 

Westrich is referred to as commander, then seems to be referred to as sergeant. Also, his question is rather comical

 

Page 11

 

‘Sneering’ sounds rather pantomime villain.

 

I'm not convinced by Heston toying with the coins in his pocket, knowing how dangerous they are surely it’s the last thing he would do. It felt a bit contrived to me.