Empire of the Ebon Sky – Chapter One

[PallonianFire he/him]

Hello, all! I've never been active here, really (just one post that I remember, and that only a couple days ago), so I wanted to share some of my writing for the first time and solicit some feedback. This is the first chapter of my current WIP, so the usual first chapter questions apply:

1) Do you care about this character?

2) Do you want to know what he's going to do next?

3) How badly do you want to know what he did?

This is a very short chapter (about 850 words), but it's still a full chapter, so hidden for length.

Spoiler

Chapter 1 – Winter Falling

The wind was soft but cold, so high along the rampart of the citadel. It whispered the night's embrace, pulling gently at the lapels of Gemmen's coat. The skin on his close-shaven scalp prickled with goosebumps. It was cold, yes, but the winter twilight was far preferable to the stifling heat and conversation in the feast hall.

Torches burned, spaced every hundred feet along the walk. Gemmen could see guards posted, silhouetted against the lights as they leaned against the white stone or squatted for a brief escape from the breeze. He ignored them as he moved by, just as they ignored him.

The first flakes of snow began to flutter down as he walked. The night was not still, but it was silent; the wind stirred and the snow traced lines down to melt on the wall, but even the guards quieted themselves. There was a feeling of abeyance in the air, a muted pressure.

Gemmen loved nights like this.

He stopped between torches and leaned to look over the wall. The city of Annaloch spread out at the foot of the wall, though he could only see the roofs of the tallest buildings through the thick fog that swirled below, moving in off the lake. A small smile curved his lips, ever so slightly. His home, no matter how cold, was always beautiful.

Even when it was cold in more ways than one. Even when it was empty, for all that the nobles and courtiers insisted on hosting fetes for his mother on a weekly basis. Even when it was a burden, despite the light air on the lofty walls of the citadel.

Even when Ellia was halfway to the port at Caerban, in her self-imposed exile.

Gemmen sighed, his breath coming in a puff of steam. His feet began moving again, in long strides that broke the silence with the steady scuffing of his boots. One guard nodded to him as he went by. It was the first time one of them had had the temerity to note his existence.

The snow continued to fall. And he continued to put distance between himself and the feast hall.

They were a flock of magpies, the lot of them. They clustered around the Empress and squabbled over tidbits and sparkles, their minds too small or too consumed with their little games to realize what was really going on. Their eyes were locked on each other, oblivious to the fact that the Empress had eyes only for her son. Eyes of iron, which glared disappointment each time he slipped away from the goings-on to wander the ramparts in the snow, with only his Imperial coat to keep him from the cold.

Except for her Seer, who watched him leave with eyes that knew he would flee before he did.

Gemmen shivered and paused again as the wall turned north, giving him a clearer view of the lake that crept up to the city. Fog poured off of it, streaming over the docks and into the streets of Annaloch. He thought he could see the mast of a merchant ship out to his right, poking up as it sailed east, toward the mouth of the Annawash. He wondered if it would stop for long in Caerban; whether it would be the ship that took Ellia south and east to the Isles of Glass.

Gemmen's chest tightened at the thought.

How had he let things come to this? His betrothed in flight, the enmity of his mother bearing down on him, and even the lowest guards too embarrassed to be friendly with him. Only the thickening snow would kiss him, now, and even that touch melted in moments. One ill-advised word, spoken at the most inopportune moment, and the Empire of the Ebon Sky was fracturing at its very core.

Dammit, but he missed Ellia. It was an untenable situation. Only she could fix things—and of all those involved, she was the least likely to want to. She had made that much clear, before she went. No matter her love for him, there was no measure of forgiveness in her for this matter. She would return to her uncle's small island nation, and deliberate over her options. Gemmen hoped she would not continue on, to the far coast and the domain of her father.

If she went back to the Sunset Kingdoms, all was lost for him.

Gemmen shook his head and let it droop into his hands, his elbows propped up between two of the stone crenellations. He could not let this continue. Somehow. He was tired of fleeing from his mother's sight every other day. He was tired of the looks of pity that he received when people in the citadel thought he wasn't looking. And he was damned tired of feeling as lost as a foreigner in those foggy streets below. Oh, Ellia, come back and help me.

          Only the silent snow answered Gemmen's unspoken plea.

 

[Hemalurgic Headshot he/him]

*Applause*

I am very much interested in how this story continues. I can assume some small things about what happened between Gemmen and the Queen, but I still want to know.

I, being a geography nerd, was immediately intrigued by the landscape of this kingdom. I did not miss 'Annaloch' and 'Annawash'. Does 'Anna' mean something specific? I would also like a map of the kingdom, if you have one. I like maps.

[Lindel he/him]

I like this a lot! The prose is tight, the descriptions are interesting. I'm intrigued by the character, and interested in seeing where this goes. It does seem a bit heavy on the abstract, especially for an opening chapter. I didn't mind it, for the most part, but I did notice that it wasn't very grounded in anything concrete. The description of the cold, the snow, and the surroundings did help, though. The reason a lot of epic fantasy begins with an action sequence is not just because "that's what's done", but because it avoids dropping a bunch of proper names and such, which helps to smooth out the learning curve, hooks the reader's attention, and gives clues about the character, setting, and conflict in a few words, through showing, rather than telling. 

[PallonianFire he/him]

Thanks, guys. This is helpful.

4 hours ago, Hemalurgic_Headshot said:

I, being a geography nerd, was immediately intrigued by the landscape of this kingdom. I did not miss 'Annaloch' and 'Annawash'. Does 'Anna' mean something specific? I would also like a map of the kingdom, if you have one. I like maps.

Anna does indeed mean something, here. It's not majorly important, but it'll pop up in later chapters. Mostly just historical significance in the Empire. And, strangely, I don't have a map yet. This is the first fantasy novel I've started on without a map filled out first. I have a vague idea in my mind, but I need to get it down on paper soon (before events leave this city in chapter 4).

3 hours ago, Lindel said:

I didn't mind it, for the most part, but I did notice that it wasn't very grounded in anything concrete. The description of the cold, the snow, and the surroundings did help, though.

This is really good to know. You're the second person who's mentioned this, and specifically mentioned the number of proper names. I've written opening chapters for various books both ways (with action and with something more removed, like this), and I find this style more preferable but a little more difficult to manage proper names. Sounds like I'll need to revisit this one down the line and make sure I'm not bombarding the reader with too much.

I am excited about this, though. The last time I was so motivated and in love with a story was a couple years ago.

[Yezrien]

Sounds nice, and I look forward to seeing more of this world. (Didn't you once say that the black sky tied in with a magic system? That sounds pretty cool.) But as for your three questions...

1) We don't really know him well enough to care about him yet. He hasn't done anything to show us what kind of person he is. Except... he's got lots of problems, but he's not doing anything about them. He's just moping...

2) I'd love to see him do something other than moping.

3) I'm definitely curious about this, but also a bit confused. You mention that "the Empire of the Ebon Sky was fracturing at its very core." That sounds like a pretty serious crisis, but no one seems to be panicking. The only visible problems in the world are Gemmen's issues with his fiancee and his mother.

All things considered, this scene has one real problem: Nothing happens. The story does not advance (or even begin). Generally, you want to advance the plot in every scene. If a scene doesn't contain a significant event, the story is idle, which means things can get boring. 

What you've done here is exposition: giving us the information we need to understand the story ahead. Exposition is important, but it's rarely exciting. Also note that the scene lacks conflict. Gemmen describes conflict, but we don't see any. All we see is the scenic vista, and a man moping. 

On Writing Excuses, Brandon tells a great story about the process of writing Way of Kings. In earlier drafts, he says, Dalinar just wasn't working. Dalinar spent the book trying to decide if he was crazy, or if his visions were the real deal. He went back and forth, unable to decide. As well he should: it's an important question, with huge implications.

But what does it look like? Moping. 

The solution was to turn this internal conflict into an external one. Brandon made Dalinar believe in the visions uniquivocally (almost), and he made Adolin the skeptic. Instead of debating himself, Dalinar now debates with his son. Now we have tense arguments that strain the bonds of family. And now, instead of being indecisive and static, Dalinar's a strong protagonist. He's got the conviction to stand up for what he believes in. Isn't that better than moping?

I think the same trick could work for you. Take some of that inner monologue and make it a conversation. Adversarial and dramatic.

This is basically the same as 'show, don't tell.'

You could open with Gemmen in the feast hall, and show us how awful it is. Show us how the nobles criticize and mock him. Introduce a couple of Sadeas-types.  You can tell us a lot about Gemmen this way. Which insults really get under his skin? And how does he react when they do? Violence? Witty retorts? Restrained, seething silence? Does he admit to his mistake? Does he try to justify it? Or does he deny it?

Then, when he escapes to walk the wall, someone could be waiting for him. A friend and ally, who always knows where to find him. More conversation, some arguing, a little quality advice... and then, instead of ending with an "unspoken plea," have him decide what course he'll take. Make this chapter the story of how he arrived at that decision.

Aaaaaand that's probably more feedback than you wanted. Sorry to go off like that. 

[PallonianFire he/him]

9 hours ago, Belzedar said:

Then, when he escapes to walk the wall, someone could be waiting for him. A friend and ally, who always knows where to find him. More conversation, some arguing, a little quality advice... and then, instead of ending with an "unspoken plea," have him decide what course he'll take. Make this chapter the story of how he arrived at that decision.

Haha this is almost exactly what I added to this scene the other night.

9 hours ago, Belzedar said:

Aaaaaand that's probably more feedback than you wanted. Sorry to go off like that. 

Not a problem at all! There was some really good stuff there. I do worry about the slow pace of the scene, but I was at an impasse trying to keep the tone of Gemmen on the wall. Adding a scene before he leaves the feast hall would be a great way to retain the tone of his brooding on the wall while also adding in some movement.