20160704 - Escapade of Silence part 4 - 3970 words - Mandamon

[Mandamon]

Hello all!  Happy 4th (if you're American) and have a good random 4th day of July if not.

Here's the fourth of five parts of Escapade of Silence.  I've rewritten a lot of the first section and second section based on your comments, so here is the summary with the major changes and new content:

Prot and his crew are selling spices on Sureri, not very well, when they are interrupted by a protest march.  They drive their transport through the crowd, taking care not to injure anyone, but their sales the next day are non existent.  Prot is approached by a well-dressed Sureri who leads Prot to his grand-dame, a finely dressed female Sureri of the Frente family who offers a rush job of medical supplies for an epidemic of Shudders on Methiem.  She also gives them a contact to sell the remaining spices, at a reduced rate.

Prot takes Saart and Kamuli to negotiate with the thuggish Sureriaj who hold the cargo and insist it can't be opened, while Amra sells the spices at a loss.  She gets to the warehouse just in time to help Prot get the spices loaded before a fight starts with the thugs.  They travel to the portal ground, chased by law enforcement of the Naiyul family, where only the intervention of the majus there lets them travel through the portal to Methiem.

On Methiem, they get stuck in a long line and investigated by a grumpy old customs agent, who demands to see the cargo. Prot and crew have just discovered they can't open the crates, due to some device of maji--specifically the House of Potential.  There are none around, but Prot remembers he bought the transport from an old maji of the House of Potential.  He and Saart find the majus in a junkyard.

As always, what I'm looking for is Mary's "ABCD" reviewing system:
--what you think is Awesome
--What you are Bored by
--What you are Confused by
--What you Don't believe

Specific things:
Is the tension/pacing good?
Is the "big reveal" in this section suitably tense/dramatic?

LBLs and grammar comments are also welcome.

[Robinski]

Very interesting submission as, at last, we get the big reveal of the fiendish plot. There are some details below about certain reactions that I was not entirely convinced by, but the biggest is the group’s reaction to the (presumed) scope of the Baldek plot. I think their perspective is a bit narrow. Depending on the scope of it, and how well the plot goes, this could have a huge effect on Methiemum civilisation in the future, could it not, causing their population to contract significantly, tantamount to a kind of creeping genocide. I just felt that certain reactions should be stronger.

Also, per my comments below, I'm still unconvinced by the balance and ‘tone’ of the relationship between Prot and Amra. Overall, though, I enjoyed the submission and I'm keen to see how they deal with the situation, morally and physically.

I went back and categorised my notes to the ABCDs and realise I don’t have any A’s in there! On the plus side, there are no B’s either, but anyway (A) – the pacing is spot on for me. (A) I like the different character voices and perspectives. I would prefer to have a better handle on them physically, but that might just be WRS, and me not remembering well enough the longer descriptions of the species from Seeds of Dissolution. (A) They really feel like a crew with alliances and tensions, but the same goals and a certain unspoken loyalty.

<R>

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(C) – “They might have even met each other.” – I thought later, when she passes them through, that the customs woman’s acceptance relied heavily on her believing that the Colonel is (was) a majus. I suppose she has the proof of him being able to open the box at all. There is also the vague suggestion that they know each other. I'm trying to decide if I'm convinced that she lets them go so readily, and wondering if it needs a slightly stronger flag in relation to her opinion of the Colonel.

(D) – “I can spare five percent, and that’s it,” I preempted,” – For me, here is another sign of Prot’s in experience as a hard-nosed trader. Never, never, never make an offer first, I would have thought.

“You want to me to do something else with this medicine” – I'm not convinced here. For all Prot knows, the Colonel wants him to give the medicine away to the needy and make no money at all. He should not be paying the man until the game has played out. Prot holds the card now, surely, having got through customs now.

(D) – “The dirty old man was probably just taking the chance to ogle my accountant.” – Really? Where does this come from? I don’t recall seeing anything in the Colonel that would suggest this leeriness, or Prot being anything like jealous or protective (of Amra) before.

“No,” I said, honest. ” – I think this would resonate more without the embellishment.

(D) – “And a little girl.” – This felt to me a bit like keeping Amra firmly in the stereotype of the little lady who, deep down inside, just wants a kid and a garden. I'm not saying that such a thing is inappropriate, I think it’s just her delivery, and I'm not convinced that he is sincere, even if he thinks he is.

(D) – “Can’t we just deliver this baby and take the money?” – I don’t believe his reaction. I've seen nothing to suggest that Saart is so amoral.

“It really didn’t seem an effective strategy when Saart explained it that way” – Did you mean ‘did’ seem effective? Because Prot’s being tempted?

(C) – “This will actively hurt people” – Will it? I’ve heard them mention sterilisation, but it doesn’t cause pain directly, does it?

 

[Eagle of the Forest Path]

(A) “Can’t we just deliver this baby and take the money?”, and they're talking about infertility poison... please tell me this was intentional.

(B, sort of) You add a moment of tension when the customs official wants to check the other crates, but then you immediately defuse the situation with the majus' x-ray vision. Not a big problem, but it seemed kind of a bland solution.

(D) So the Baldek family orchestrates a thoroughly inhumane plan to decimate (an) other species using sabotaged medicine. And then they put that medicine into bottles with their own logo? And only the Baldek bottles are tainted? Could still be a misdirect, but otherwise it's kind of a big oversight from the evil mastermind.

(C) Nothing especially, but it's got to be a very tense situation. There's little way out for Methietum, actually, on the one hand, if the crew do nothing the planet dies out slowly from the drugs, on the other hand, if the crew go to the authorities they've likely got an interstellar war to deal with in the near future. The only way out would be that the crew somehow manages to not only stop the shipment they've got, but also discover and halt every other plot the Baldek (or other agency pinning the blame on the Baldek) have going to distribute their infertility drugs. Those are some steep odds for a crew of 5 traders to deal with. Things are looking kind of bleak for the Dissolutionverse, Mandamon.

Overall, good story, I'm excited to see where you're gonna take it from here.

[rdpulfer]

- I really like this setting, with the diverse alien races and "songs".

- A little confused why the Colonel assumes the main character will be "well-paid" for delivering medical supplies. I get that he's angling for more money, but the assumption feels out-of-place. Are most humanitarian missions ripe with cash? 

- Would like to see more interaction with the rest of the characters - it feels like the Colonel, as interesting as he is, is still hogging a lot of the interaction.

- I like the moral dilemma, but I think more needs to be made of him and Amara's plans to start a family beforehand to help root in the decision.

- Overall, this is a very strong section.

[Mandamon]

Thanks all for the feedback!  Looks like the top things to correct are:

1) Reactions to the big reveal.  I will ramp this up a notch. (And yes, baby was intentional, if in bad taste from Saart)

2) What to do about the big reveal - hopefully this will be answered to your satisfaction in the last section, but I'm going to go do some rewrites anyway...

3) Prot/Amra relationship (as usual).  Still working on this as well.

Thanks again!  I'm off to do edits.

[spieles]

So I liked the mage in this. He's a vibrant character. I thought this had a good flow (though I am suggesting some small cuts) and yeah, I think my quibble with the Amra/Prot relationship is less to do with them wanting to start a family and more how Amra is coming across. 

I agree with Eagle of the Forest Path on how the tension goes way up as the Colonel checks the crates... and then is automatically diffused. I think it would be better if the Colonel's final message was more guarded - as if he sensed something wrong with the materials, and after this message is passed on to Prot, Prot then has his doctor run tests on them -- and the reader is held in suspense the whole time as opposed to thinking "why is Prot being paranoid - the nice mage said the drugs were good."

A few random notes...

p. 3 “Are you—?” she started, and I waved the question away. “Just…strange dreams.”  The images while I was unconscious unsettled me. Confused here about what Amra is she implying? And where are these strange dreams coming from? I’m even more confused.

p. 4 We want to know what is in the crate!!! And this blocking slows down the pace. So I'd cut the following.

The offending crate was still in the middle of the cargo section.  Bhon and Kamuli had found some heavy wool gloves, one pair for three-fingered Festuour and one for Methiemum, and were able to drag it out farther without numbing their hands.  Saart helpfully leaned against the steel plating on the side of the train while the Colonel creaked up the stairs to the rear hatch.
    With me, Bhon, Kamuli, the majus, and the customs woman darkening the hatch, the cargo space was extremely cramped.  There wasn’t even room for Amra to look in, and I heard her give a grunt of frustration from outside. 
p. 6  This doesn’t really add anything and slow down the pace of the scene. The reader is wholly focused on what the crazy is going on with the medicine.

“I can spare five percent, and that’s it,” I preempted, once the others were out of earshot.  “More than that and my accountant will injury me greatly.”  How many more jobs would we need before we could stop traveling the homeworlds?  After this delivery, staying on Methiem was starting to sound better all the time .

p. 7 We don’t need a discussion of how the mage gets home. He’s a wily fellow and the subsequent interiority makes Prot less likable to the reader. So I'd end here: 

“Good luck,” he said.  “And be careful.”  I can find my own way back.”
I wasn’t planning on taking him back to his junkyard anyway.  I turned away with a halfhearted wave, calling to get the wagon ready to roll out of the customs yard.  We had taken far too long, and I didn’t want to make the delivery at night.  And now I had a hunch to follow up. 

p. 9  I thought about my discovery with the jars. "I’m still confused here. The discovery with the family names. I think you should spell out exactly what the discovery is – it’s still a little confusing."

p. 10 Directly connect Bhon’s dialogue to Bhon speaking and then  have Amra (logically) react. It’s clearer to the reader:

“You know we can hear you.”  Amra’s face darkened in a blush as Bhon’s voice floated in the cabin, tinny and remote, and Amra’s face darkened in a blush.   I had forgotten to cover the speaking tubes.

p. 11 My shoulders relaxed, until I saw she wasn’t finished." - What facial expression does she make that indicates this? Does she pick up a clipboard with her lip sucked in or does she sigh and point at a chart? Something that lets the reader be like “uh oh,” instead of being told we should be thinking “uh oh.”

Edited July 7, 2016 by spieles

[Mandamon]

Awesome edits, Spieles, and thanks for the LBLs.  I preemptively corrected some of the places you've tagged yesterday while editing.  I think thanks to your LBLs, I now have a little Spieles voice in my head telling me where to cut things!

2 hours ago, spieles said:

I agree with Eagle of the Forest Path on how the tension goes way up as the Colonel checks the greats... and then is automatically diffused. I think it would be better if the Colonel's final message was more guarded - as if he sensed something wrong with the materials, and after this message is passed on to Prot, Prot then has his doctor run tests on them -- and the reader is held in suspense the whole time as opposed to thinking "why is Prot being paranoid - the nice mage said the drugs were good."

 I've attacked this from a different direction, but I the above as well, holding the reader in suspense.  I'll have to take another look at that section.

 

Thanks again!

[kais]

Finally getting to this one! My e-mail ate it, but in the end, I triumphed!

Overall

I'm getting a handle on the characters, and definitely getting more a feel for Prot. I'm curious about the pills, but feeling unconvinced of their potential as broad spectrum poisons. I'm with EotFP and Spieles on the tension ups and downs. Looking forward to reading more still.

Awesome: I like that their cargo is high stakes, and that they have to make decisions about it.

Bored: The actual decision process is boring. More emotions! More impact!

Confused: On Amra again. She's reading naive and I don't think you mean her to be that way.

Don't Believe: That the magus helped them that easily. I'd like to see more struggle there with his past and Prot and doing this job.

 

As I go

- page 1: I'd love more description of the room in which Prot wakes up. I'm very curious about this scene and would like the visuals to go along with it.

- page 3: would also love more from the magus when he realizes he can get a high price for the help. More description of his face, his actions. This is a Big Deal for him, the potential payout. Would love to really feel it in the words.

- page 9: ooh, twist the knife, Prot! A little girl indeed. Every female of aging childbearing years be like *head snap* "wut?"

- page 10: would you like some more impressive sounding words than 'scientific gadgets' for here? I can load you up with a small army of them if you'd like

- 'tentacle-fever'.... and all I can see is "Dream of the Fisherman's Wife"

- page 11: I'm leaning with Saart here. The stakes and effects aren't high enough for me to be too concerned with the pills. Noting the issues the group is having, I'd say deliver the medicine, get the money. Maybe notify local law enforcement after, or the local distributing apothecary. It'd be one thing if the pills were for a specific person, so there was a clear threat, especially a person we as readers were already invested in. Right now the threat is vague and nebulous, and I have a hard time seeing why they would do anything other than just deliver the drugs.

- page 13: even with the 'this is a broad spectrum poison' thing, I'm still not super convinced. I need to feel the characters' rationale for their emotions

- page 14: Amra's comment about smuggling not hurting people...she's coming off naive again. Smuggling does hurt people. Perhaps not as directly as outright poisoning, but it does hurt.

 

[krystalynn03]

Hey Mandamon,

I started to do LBL's, but I didn't want to slow down and fool with them...which is a good and bad thing! Mostly there's some missing words and some strange comma usage spread throughout that you can catch later when you're odne with content level stuff.

A: Infertility drugs! It makes complete sense with everything you've told us about the Sureri so it's like an inevitable surprise. Very good.

B: Stuff dragged around page 9-10. Also Amra and Prot's convo about settling down when they've hashed out the same thing various times before. Descriptions of traveling around town...repetitions of setting of cargo area

C: The reveal of the cargo--something in the steps of the reveal made me have to reread to figure out what was going on. Also, the flow of the conversation among the crew to decide what to do didn't really work for me...I didn't feel invested. It seems too displaced from any real threat to the main characters.

D: I didn't really have any disbelief moments.

 

Thanks for submitting!

[Mandamon]

Thanks to kaisa and krystalynn!  Awesome feedback, and I'm going to do some writing and editing right after I finish this response...

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

- page 11: I'm leaning with Saart here. The stakes and effects aren't high enough for me to be too concerned with the pills. Noting the issues the group is having, I'd say deliver the medicine, get the money. Maybe notify local law enforcement after, or the local distributing apothecary. It'd be one thing if the pills were for a specific person, so there was a clear threat, especially a person we as readers were already invested in. Right now the threat is vague and nebulous, and I have a hard time seeing why they would do anything other than just deliver the drugs.

- page 13: even with the 'this is a broad spectrum poison' thing, I'm still not super convinced. I need to feel the characters' rationale for their emotions

This was my original intent, that Saart was being the practical one, and before they realized the poison could be added to other drugs, it's really not a big deal.  However, I might need to get your input on broad spectrum poisons since you have much more biological knowledge than I do.  Is it reasonable that a compound could be added to multiple drugs with this affect (assuming I bump the emotion up a bit)?

Also yes definitely on the scientific gadgets!  What items and chemicals would you use to break down compounds and analyze them?

17 hours ago, kaisa said:

Dream of the Fisherman's Wife

Lol.

 

13 hours ago, krystalynn03 said:

A: Infertility drugs! It makes complete sense with everything you've told us about the Sureri so it's like an inevitable surprise. Very good.

Glad you liked it!  This is the effect on the reader I was hoping for.

 

So page 9-10 seem like they need more of an overhaul.  Will do.  I've already tweaked part of the Colonel's part with the cargo, but you both have some good observations here.

Off to do more hacking and slashing!

[kais]

This is a big question with a pretty complex answer. The short answer is yes, there reasonably could be drugs that would work as you describe across species. However, as broadly as you describe your species, the likelihood of plausibility becomes nebulous. It would help if you clarified a bit more about the evolution of your target organisms. If theyr not all the same genus (guessing not), would they at least all fall under the same Kingdom? If we have to start dealing with cell wall versus no cell wall versus something alien entirely, it will be very hard to rationalize a broad spectrum poison. Within one species though? Sure. No issues there. 

I would analyze a compound by solubilizing it (acetone, acetonitrile, thf, DCM, etc, depends on what columns they have available) and then running the solute through an HPLC (high pressure liquid chromatography). The output is in the form of a peaked printout, and you match compounds from a database to known peaks. 

I might also run mass spec, but that might be overkill. Don't want your readers bogged down in too much hard science, either. 

[Mandamon]

Awesome!  Don't know how much I can realistically cram in a novelette format, but at least knowing the above will help me point the text in the right direction...