20/05/2016 - King007 - In a Forest, part1 - 984 words (L)

[king007]

It's really late, I apologize for that.
 

This contains foul language, so be warned.
 

I'd appreciate all sorts of feedback. Thanks.

 

Edit: Writing this, I was aiming for a comical approach to the usual stranded-in-an-island type of story. I don't know if the curse words usage was too excessive. I wanted that to work as a good link between authenticity and comedy.

Edited May 21, 2016 by king007

[Robinski]

Good to have you back submitting. I'm interested to see how your style has developed since the last time, which was February – not all that long ago actually. Summary at the end.

 

“One minute I’m in bed, and the other next I’m waking up”

 

“it just goes ape rust” – I think this phrase means angry, rather than crazy.

 

“What, with all those blood sucking bugs and crazy predators roaming around?” – I think you need the comma after ‘what’ to make this a question rather than a statement.

 

“I’m wearing some sporting clothes or whatever” – This doesn’t add anything, for me, I think it can be deleted.

 

“I guess if whoever they were, had the nerve of taking to take me” – grammar.

 

“You obey us. Else, we keel you.” – Rofl – Mexican bandits, maybe Colombian? I love it.

 

“repeating this for like a million times”

 

“this other guy calming him up down”

 

“You’re now a part of an human experiment we’re conducting” – This troubled me a bit. It suggests that either they are not human, or they conduct other experiments on beings that are non-human. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t see that someone would include this word. To them, it’s just an experiment, I would have thought.

 

“We’re an evil organization seeking to control the world” – Rofl, excellent!

 

“I can’t even. Just kill me already.” – Can’t even what? Not a complete sentence.

 

“I think you will have more pressing stuff to worry about than that” – This word doesn’t sit well in the sentence. The evil guy’s grammar is quite precise, but this word is kind of lazy. ‘things’ would be more consistent with his grammatical tone – I think.

 

“This can’t be happening right now” – This sort of implies there is a better time for it to happen – which seems an odd thing to say.

 

“and this rotten back pain” – Where did this come from? Is this the medical condition he’s supposed to have? I don’t recall this from before; I think it needs to be foreshadowed before this point if it’s something that Mark suffers from habitually.

 

----------------------------

 

Summary: I enjoyed this a good deal. I'm comfortable saying that it’s the best story (part of) that I’ve read from you and I think you're writing is the cleanest that I’ve read from you. Okay, there are some word choices and a couple of grammar things that are snaggy, but I think that overall it is quite clean. I think it flows well, I believe the m/c’s reactions.

 

The evil baddies were especially effective. Jorge is maybe a bit of a caricature, but I think you can get away with that, because you are not overly derogatory to him. The matter-of-fact evil genius delivering the plot in that rather tired way worked well, I got a good laugh from that.

 

I think perhaps some of the swears are unnecessary, but I don’t mind them being there, I just felt there were a couple that sound awkward.

 

Good job, keen to read more and see what happens!

 

<R>

[rdpulfer]

- I have to agree with Robinski about the language. It should serve a purpose for the character. If he swears all the time, it limits the effectiveness. 

 

- "I keel you" sounds like a Jeff Dunham routine - very exaggerated. It doesn't really make the character sound very threatening.

 

- Well, at least these guys are honest about their intentions.

 

- How has Mark never been in a forest before? That seems rather strange. 

 

Overall, I'm interested in where this is going. Really, I'd like to know more about Mark. Typically people in his situation are a little less candid with their reactions. Curious to see what happens next. 

[krystalynn03]

I would like to read and critique, but the language is too pervasive for my tolerance. Thanks for the warning up front about it.

[king007]

Thanks guys for the feedback. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. I wasn't quite sure how it'll be received and that prevented me at times from continuing writing it, because I was afraid it's only making me laugh.

I must say that I've been hugely influenced by two great books: The Princess Bride and Catcher in The Rye. I liked the simplicity and silliness of the first, and the tone and randomness of the second. Such great authors.

 

@Robinski:

“I’m wearing some sporting clothes or whatever” I thought this would make him come across as indifferent, which is how he is sometimes.

“You obey us. Else, we keel you.” I'm happy you like this one. But I'd like to rewrite it to something else that we'll instantly be recognized as a Mexican accent. I don't know though. Any suggestions?

“I can’t even. Just kill me already.” It's not a finished sentence on purpose. I should have wrote like this maybe "I can't even..." Would that be suitable in your opinion?

“I think you will have more pressing stuff to worry about than that” You caught me red-handed here, haha. It was really me being lazy

“and this rotten back pain” I thought this popping out of the blue would be somewhat funny. And I am going to expand on his back pain very soon in the next part. Just remember this is not a chapter but a part. Multiple parts could be inside the same chapter. It depends on how lazy I am And I think I'm gonna replace "rotten" with "goddam". It's my new favorite word, lol.

 

Also thanks for the kind words about my improvement. I haven't really done any exercise except for reading. I think the simplicity of the language is what's making it easy for me. Also the character of Mark can help me brush off description in a single line and not be punished for it, since he basically doesn't give a damnation. Description really frightens me.

 

 

@rdpulfer: I have a similar feeling about the language. I want a frequency balance where it shows off his eccentric character whilst also not disturbing the reader.

But I don't share your opinion about Mark not going to forest before. I don't see it as strange at all. Even in a developing country like mine, there are a ton of people living in a city and have never seen a forest. Imagine how it is in developed countries then, where almost everything is urbanized.

 

 

@krystalynn: So sorry to hear that. Maybe next time, it will contain less vulgarity. Except for "goddam", that word will be everywhere lol

Edited May 21, 2016 by king007

[krystalynn03]

You know, GD is the most offensive odnthe bunch for me... but if it's cleaner I'll read and comment

[Robinski]

You know, GD is the most offensive odnthe bunch for me... but if it's cleaner I'll read and comment

 

Yeah, King.You said you were going to replace 'rotten' with g/d, but I would reconsider that. You've already used g/d several times. It may be your new favourite word, but overuse is going to tick off any reader once it gets to a certain level. Also, f-bombs are crude, but they refer to a natural, biological function - which is one thing, however g/d is touching on a religious nerve which is likely to be more sensitive for a fair proportion of readers.

 

(My favourite word for today is 'syzygy' - I've been combing through my late father-in-law's SFF book collection, which covers the two long walls of his study. Both Michael G. Coney and Frederick Pohl have written books with this title. There are others too, I believe.)

[Robinski]

“I’m wearing some sporting clothes or whatever” I thought this would make him come across as indifferent, which is how he is sometimes. - Yeah, but the clothes that he's wearing are a matter of fact. Still, I see what you mean. I can live with it.

“You obey us. Else, we keel you.” I'm happy you like this one. But I'd like to rewrite it to something else that we'll instantly be recognized as a Mexican accent. I don't know though. Any suggestions? - I didn't exactly understand your question. I think 'keel' is immediately recognisable as Mexican.

“I can’t even. Just kill me already.” It's not a finished sentence on purpose. I should have wrote like this maybe "I can't even..." Would that be suitable in your opinion? - Yes, an ellipsis (...) is what you need there.

[krystalynn03]

Hey <R>,

 

Sci-Fi collection? Is this Gfil? He read SF, too????

 

O___O

[Robinski]

Hey <R>,

 

Sci-Fi collection? Is this Gfil? He read SF, too????

 

O___O

Hey /k, no, this is FIL, GFIL was a big Zane Grey fan, and Agatha Christie - I think. But don't write FIL off, he was a Fellow of the British Interplanetary Society, regularly attended the Space Studies Institute conference at Princeton, including giving papers on medicine in space, and wrote over 750,000 words of SF of his own. He had planned an SF series of stories and novels that ran to 32 entries, although 'only' wrote about 10 of them.

FIL and GFIL went on a trip to South America in the 90's for a total solar eclipse on which FIL met Poul Anderson, who he stayed acquainted with and visited in California.

(* FIL = father-in-law, GFIL = grandfather-in-law)

Sorry King - this is off-topic.

[king007]

I couldn't have imagined that g/d would be offensive at all actually. I just asked my preacher friend for clarification and I'm waiting for his answer. But anyway, I was joking about using it everywhere. I was just trying to show how much I like it. I mostly like the sound of it.

 

@Robinski: I didn't exactly understand your question. I think 'keel' is immediately recognisable as Mexican. It's just a typo, I meant "will." I thought French people among others would pronounce the word that way as well, that's why.

[kais]

Side note before I get started, I love cursing. Love it in written form, love it in spoken form. Bring. It. On.

 

General

It read pretty rough. I'd have liked more description of the forest, and some backstory on Mark. The cursing did not bother me in the slightest, nor would the pervasive use of god - which is what I am assuming people mean by g/d? It was an interesting read, and I'd love to see it develop more.

 

Your Questions

Comedy: The cursing doesn't add comedy, but it does add flavor to Mark. I can visualize the kind of guy he is based on the language he uses, and it makes me lack empathy for him. That does make me more interested in the world, because a supposedly 'evil' group has kidnapped him, but maybe they just want to shut him up. Would love to see him get smacked around a bit.

 

As I Go

- Transition to paragraph two is rough. We already know Mark is in a forest. No need to reiterate. I'd suggest paragraph two be more describing the forest. There are lots of types of bloodsucking bugs. Maybe talk about a few?

- LOL at his little amigo. 

- the dialogue on the phone takes a really long time. It could be tightened quite a bit

- This organization just literally refers to itself as evil? Why? I'm also not sold on motivation

- the end line doesn't have any punch. We KNOW he is in a forest. Suggest ending with something attacking him, or him seeing something strange, or realizing his leg is missing or something.

[spieles]

As the chapter starts, I'm curious if he has amnesia - I get that the forest is not what he likes - but I'd like a baseline of what his normal is - an office? a house in the burbs? a fishing hut? a castle?

 

The evil organization thing also rubbed me not so well. It'd be more suspenseful if the guy was more cryptic.

 

I want to know what his medical condition is - can we at least get a clue or two?

 

The chapter has a good arc. I think it could be boosted with more detail - I think you could create even more suspense, but right now I'm quite interested to see what happens next.

[Eisenheim]

My thought, just on the first page, is that there's too much extra, too much "the thing is", "anyway", cursing, asides. It really breaks up the flow. You can get the same character across with maybe a quarter of that stuff. This much volume makes Mark really unsympathetic, for me at least. It also reduces how much content you get across. There's nearly a thousand words here, and most of it isn't dialogue, but I don't get a lot of genuine emotion or detail about the setting.

[king007]

Thanks for your help, guys. I will take everything into consideration, but I just want to point out one thing. This work is a sort of a parody of familiar settings and story types. So sometimes I'll just breeze through the boring parts that we all know and don't need to be reminded of to jump into the action. A big part of the action here is the awkward reactions of the MC towards equally awkward events.

 

I also don't want to write something literary. I like it to sound authentic and real with not so much polishing.