Asmodemon - 04-25-2016 - World-Ender - Part 2 of 2

[Asmodemon]

Here’s the second and last part of the short story World-Ender. The comments I got on the first part were awesome. I’ve already got some ideas on how to improve the blocking and the emotional connection to the characters in the opening scenes.

I’m very curious to see what you think of the second part, and the story as a whole.

During the siege of the Straaxi galaxy the archangel Saraphiel leads her choir to battle on a red moon.

[ecohansen]

For both you and aeromancer, I felt that this week's submission was substantially better than last week's.  I'm impressed: personally I always tend to start things well and end them poorly, so I can only admire people who gather strength as they go.

 

--and crud, looks like I'm getting called away.  More later.

[spieles]

Some line edits mixed with steam of consciousness reactions...

 

The tip of one spike came through the wall of the observatory, spraying water around.

 

For some reason the "around" throws off the beat of the otherwise very cool sentence.

 

It also launched a smaller form to land in the pool below the Argus orb. 

What is a smaller form? I don't think this was in the previous chapter and it's a rather nondescript term.

 

With a roar Uldomiel charged the attackers, his helmet materializing around him with a silver shimmer.

 

Don't need the "around him" - it's implied and it's extra words that the sentence doesn't need.

 

Saraphiel's her lieutenant drew his sword and started cutting, keeping himself between her and the attackers. 

 

Since it's part 2 - I needed a reminder of her name.

 

The image of the worm through the skull was gross! (I liked it.)

 

So I think the skull should avoid the previous taunt ("Couldn’t save me either, angel") since it's a little cliche - and hop straight to the line: “I see why He Who Is Hate wants you. You’re delicious.”

 

That line is amazing. And it comes out of a worm in a skull. So gross. So great.

 

Ah I keep confusing Illiriel and Uldomiel! Though that won't be a problem anymore... obviously.

 

She knew this one, the outsider one she’d fought before on the Straaxi moon, and now she knew its name too.

 

Pronouns are occasionally confusing me.

 

I love this description: black thorny dropship

 

“Everyone, form up,” she started to sing sang. The professional copyeditors who work in publishing in my other critique group make me delete all of my "start to" and "begin to" in my manuscripts and here the "start to" read particularly weird to my ear. 

 

The star exploded. !!!

 

She sang. Her voice was part of the harmony that spanned all of creation. Find me, she sang. I’m right here.

She sang for a long time.

She sang alone. Ah, my heart. This is good.

 

I like: "grey planetoid", "lunar maria", "swollen, its light a pure holy white."

 

I'm enjoying this latest test with Lucifer. Pure evil or mostly-evil - which to choose?

 

“I’m coming my Lord,” she said, and flew into the sun. - Cool.

 

I was a little confused on what was happening with Lucifer and the Elder Thing and the Hate Guy and then the female version - but I was very satisfied with the ending. I do think you could play more with Saraphiel and Uldomiel’s relationship - but your arc structure for the story is rock solid.

Edited April 26, 2016 by spieles

[kais]

As I go

- the Argus orb killing seems somehow anticlimactic. I feel like it is missing some evil laughter or another hidden plot twist somewhere

- so, did the worms eat Illiriel? Could you expand that section just a bit? It has some neat imagery and I'd like a bit more tension with Saraphiel trying to save a dying angel, the hope in the hopeless situation, then the death

- "Taunt all of you like, you won't win." I don't understand what she is saying. It reads like she is speaking Valley Girl. Like, totally.

- Page 3 - dude just got eaten by worms and she has no emotion about it? Cold. Makes me less invested in her character. If she didn't care if he lived or died, why jump in after him? How did the worms not get her?  I have so many questions

- By the # on page four, I am a bit lost in the narrative. A star exploded and she can't get the creator to talk to her? Is that right? Does she have emotions about that?

- Page 11, when she turns towards the singularity and her body locks up - why would she strike down god? I thought she wasn't listening to Lucifer??

- page 13 - so is Lucifer dead? The blocking in this sequence is very confusing

 

 

General Thoughts

I'm left with a vagueness about the narrative. It has good bones, but I can't connect with Sara because I see so little about her emotions. The battles are endless, always changing location, which takes up words and time that could be used for character building. I'd love to see some of the action paired down, more introspection from Sara, and some more defined action in the sections that remain. 

I really like the end, and it does make sense, but again, still vague. Tightening, trimming, and expanding could make this piece really shine!

[Mandamon]

Generally, I agree with kaisa on this.  Good story, but several places that were vague and could be expanded.

 

Notes: 

 

pg 1: "Her lieutenant"

--partially weekly reader syndrome, but you haven't mentioned Saraphiel's name before now in this section.

 

pg 2: sort of an ignominious end for Illiriel...Like kaise, I'd like to see more emotion from Sara on this.

 

pg 3: "straight at the star"

--which star is this?  Might be forgetting from last time.  And is this one of the host's spears?  I assume outsiders are launching them?

 

pg 4: rend-> rent

also, have we heard of Nujll-Space before?

 

pg 5: I assume the other stars here are the fallen?

 

pg 8: so the Lord was hiding in the sun?  Confused with the different sizes and scales again.

 

pg 10: “And now you are. Care to reconsider now?”

--repetition of "now"

 

End of pg 12: repetition of "worms" a lot.

 

pg 13: So did they kill Lucifer?  Just like that?  For the second most powerful being in the universe, there wasn't much fight.

 

pg 15: shorning -> shearing?

 

pg 16: Don't have a good visual of He Who Is Hate.  How is he grabbing Sara when he's just a shadow?

 

pg 17: "The body of a Fallen angel fell next to her"

--Where did he come from?  I thought it was hard to get into the singularity room?  It's not Lucifer, because he got pulled out of the room?

 

pg 17: "With a roar Uldomiel "

--really no idea how he got there.

 

pg 17: "The lesser outsiders vanished from the chamber"

--There were others?  I thought the room was empty to start with except for Sara and Lucifer.

 

pg 19: second paragraph, lots of "pushed."

 

 

Overall, the second half felt a lot rougher than the first half.  I like the "secret history" of Lucifer and the abstract point where the universe was created, and the plan for the universe.  However, that got me thinking...

 

So at creation, the Lord excluded the outsiders but then fought against Lucifer...so were they all the same type of being to start with?  Lucifer is going to make a "twisted universe," but I assume the outsiders are as well.  Is one worse than the other?

 

The last fight especially was confusing as to blocking.  I thought the white room with the singularity was hard to get to, but then all sorts of people started popping in.

 

Wasn't there some time travel thing that was going to happen right after the first submission?  What happened with that?

 

At the end, Sara is going to create a new universe.  Is there any loss of energy from the Lord getting killed and his power sitting without a controller?  I'm thinking in terms of entropy of the universe and things winding down.  Surely there's less in the singularity now than when it was first used?  Will it still keep the outsiders away?

[rdpulfer]

- This could be Weekly Reader Syndrome, but I didn't know Sara could "will" her armor around her. This may be a hold over from one of my first comments, but I'm curious what the capabilities of the angels are, especially where technology is involved.

 

- "She sang alone" . . . I love this . . . it's very sparse yet very haunting.

 

- When the Fallen star rescues her, I think the scene is more told than shown. I'd like you could have a lot more suspense, especially given the galaxy-sized opposition she's up against.

 

- I also like Lucifer's arrogance. It's one of his most traditional traits, and this Lucifer is definitely very proud. 

 

- Sara's Fall from grace was a little confusing, as was Uldomiel's subsequent conflict with her. If Lucifer is gone, are Fallen angels really that much of a threat?

 

- Overall, I really liked this story. It definitely kept my interest. 

[Robinski]

I'm right back into the action and engaged again straight away. I find some of the action disorienting, because of the sudden shifts in scale. She slashes and enemy then someone throws a spear, but it impacts a sun and destroys the system they were in (presumably). I find it a jolt when something like that happens.

 

The confrontation with the big others is good at first, but they disappear too easily when Uldomiel arrives – that didn’t convince me. Sara and Uld fighting was a nice development however, highlighting her fallen nature. There is some confused wording in her transition at the end, and I feel that it could be prolonged slightly, and given more power, but it’s a good ending.

 

The last line, I felt, was less satisfying than hoped. She is the Lord now, is she not? So why would she express the thought in this way? I just felt the end could have been grander somehow.

 

All in all though, and enjoyable story, the cosmic scale worked well for me. The action, for the most part, was fierce and vivid, and there were some nasty passage and phrases that helped to dial up the evil. Some of the blocking and descriptions could be tightened up, I think, but I feel that you will end up with a strong and satisfying story with an ending that is surprising, but inevitable.

 

Good job!

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

“The unease she felt” – This felt strange – they’re under attack from the enemy and all she is feeling is unease?!

 

“Saraphiel’s star-fire sword cut through tentacles and the outsider blurred away, leaving Illiriel behind. Or what was left of him, a skeleton and torn robes. The skull grinned and a black worm wriggled out between the upper and lower jaws like a tongue” – Yay, tentacles! Also, a very gruesome image – good job.

 

“even Lucifer could would(?)stand a chance”

 

“The celestial body was made up out of pure holy energy”

 

You refer to Lucifer as Light-bringer, then his sword by the same name – it’s a bit disorienting.

 

“After his fall from grace the sword’s blade became had become black” – This happened in the past.

 

“A flash of light went off in front of her visor, overwhelming her visor’s capabilities” = awkward phrasing.

 

I don’t understand where the outsider came from.

 

“watch him and then check out examine the second chill” – check out seems totally out of context. You have a powerful, epic story and this sounds like a guy checking out a girl in a coffee shop.

 

“Sometimes I talk too much” – Great line. My problem here is with the first outsider not being remarkable or scary enough (his appearance was too casual), and the second one just popping out of nowhere because the story seemed to want it.

 

“Saraphiel reacted and brought herself in her way” – awkward wording – suggest much shorter and clearer.

 

“She landed with an oomph” – Oh no, please. Something other than that – a grunt, maybe. Anything, but an oomph.

 

“Instead the shorning shearing caught her by surprise” – or severing maybe, shorning is not a word.

 

“Beg me to spare you,” the outsider whispered. His voice was like an oily caress. “Beg me with your eyes” – Fantastic line. You’ve really got some excellent threat going on here.

 

“The outsider screamed as more white fire coursed along his body, then it vanished from the chamber.” Is ‘it’ referring to He Who Is Hate? And he is dispelled by one blow from Uldomiel?! I don’t buy that for one second.

 

“Through heavy arms she met his blade with hers” – Awkward. ‘With heavy arm’ maybe?

 

“The two locked-away suns” – I don’t really get what this means. Her war form is a comet – now she’s a sun? Confusing.

 

“Before she even landed she had Her sword was ready to parry before she landed, but Uldomiel hadn’t moved” – suggestion, I found the original awkward.

 

“The white space between them loomed” – gaped? Not sure a vacant space can loom.

 

“Her lieutenant howled in shock and she lunged at him” – I don’t understand why she doesn’t go for the singularity here. Effectively, he is down, I feel.

 

“In front of the singularity she stopped, feeling a sudden need to speak one more time” – Bah, it’s like evil villain expositioning unnecessarily before striking the final blow.

 

“Maybe if the call was mine” – Again, a word in the modern idiom. Something like ‘choice’ instead would be more effective, more weighty, I think.

 

“She felt all their hatred at the clean slate inside the barrier, a clean slate she denied them.” – This line is confusing – I can’t follow it.

Edited May 2, 2016 by Robinski