Reading Excuses - 2016.02.01 - smgorden - How Old Trahaearn Lost His Eye, part 05

[smgorden]

Last time on How Old Trahaearn Lost His Eye: Trahaearn has declared he and the boy will go to Fairyland to get the boy's father back. They make their way to Mrs. Caughthron's house, where the boy meets Joanna, a startling normal-looking fairy girl, who has a room full of drawers and keys, implying certain kinds of exploration that will probably happen in this weeks' submission.

 

Feedback: for the regulars- same as usual. For the new folks- I'm most interested in commentary on the characters and relationships, and on your personal emotional experience of this part of the story.

[king007]

My impressions after reading your submission:

All the way to the first part of the second chapter, I was bored. It felt too slow for my taste.

The remaining part, I was confused. Most of the time I neither knew what was happening nor was I inclined to focus and discern what was going on.

 

Your writing is mostly clean. And you're still doing a good job on the childish tone, but it gets irritating some times.

Why did the boy have to go with Trahaearn if it was dangerous? Couldn't he have stayed with Joanna?

Also, did Joanna slip on purpose into the violin or was that an accident? If it was an accident, why couldn't she simply slip out?

 

Overall, I was not satisfied with this submission.

Keep writing and good luck on your next ones.

[Mandamon]

Not too much to comment on this one.  The first chapter had some good fairyland references, but didn't add a whole lot to the story overall.  We do find out where Joanna comes from and some hints about where Trahaearn lost his eye, but this chapter and the last could probably be combined.

 

The last few pages of the second chapter were a little confusing blocking-wise (and I think they were supposed to be), but it was to the point where I wasn't sure if they had transferred over to fairyland until they showed up at Mrs. Caughthron's house.  There wasn't a lot of description of what the thing in the water was, or why Trahaearn decided to go that way if it was a risk.

 

Part of the passive feeling may be that the boy doesn't really have any decisions to make.  He's reacting to everything, being told what to do, and following along.  The writing was still good and drew me in, but these didn't have quite the pull as the last couple chapters.

 

 

pg 3: I like the briar rose/sleeping beauty reference

 

pg 5: "At this, he jumped and fell over to the floor."

-Fell on the floor?  Fell over on the floor?

 

pg 6: “Never I knew and never I cared. He asked me to dance and I found I that I dared,”

-extra "I"

 

pg 9: “He had his own two eyes when he walked into the music room, but by the time I tumbled out of the violin here at Mrs. Caughthron’s, he was wearing that sash.”

-cool

 

pg 11: the key on the carrot is also cool.

 

pg 11: "I looked closely at the key, and it had two little shapes marked on it. A feather and a button."

-I'm guessing this has some significance, but I don't know what it is.

[rdpulfer]

- I like the opening exchange between the main character and Joanna, particularly for the latter's bluntness.

 

- The character beats and voice really work well, especially during their brief tour.

 

- I also like the Sleeping Beauty reference. 

 

- Why is the main character not terrified when he is with Joanna, but he's terrified with Trahaeran as they enter fairy land?

 

- I'm really interested to see where this is going, especially at the end of the chapter. 

[smgorden]

Mandamon:

"The first chapter ... and the [previous one ] could probably be combined."

They sort of are combined. I split the chapters different to keep within the 5k limit. I will probably return to my original chapter breaks in revision.

 

"I wasn't sure if they had transferred over to fairyland until they showed up at Mrs. Caughthron's house"

Ah, I see. I'm aiming for disorientation, but I don't need that level of confusion. Thanks for letting me know. Should be simple enough to write in an observation, even in the boy's disoriented state, that they had not reached the crossing point at the bottom of the pool.

 

"the boy doesn't really have any decisions to make."

You know, you're right. That is a bit of weak chapter for protag-ing, so to speak. I'll have to think about that one.

Thanks for the notes!

[smgorden]

rdpulfer:

- Why is the main character not terrified when he is with Joanna, but he's terrified with Trahaeran as they enter fairy land?

Good question. It's partly to do with personalities. Joanna is not an adult, and while she is a fairy... she appears very normal and the boy relates to her. In short, he's interested and distracted. But also... Joanna hasn't taken the boy into Fairyland proper. A quote from the previous week's submission:

“Was I just in Fairyland?”

“Not really, no. We were just in the borders.”

Crossing over with Trahaearn is a bit of an ordeal, in the traditional sense- it involves a bit of discomfort. 

 

 

- I'm really interested to see where this is going, especially at the end of the chapter. 

Wonderful! Always glad to hear that.

 

Thank you!

[Shrike76]

P1 - Does he wonder aloud or silently before Joanna answers, because that's a very different vibe.

P2 - "he's a not a careful man."

P5 - "he sang out as opened his eyes" - as he opened.

P15 - "and shot upright as quickly" - and I shot

In the second chapter, I get what you were going for with the short, often disjointed sentences while Trahaearn and the main character (are we ever going to learn his name? Did I miss it somewhere? I think I'm going to start calling him Son like everyone else) ran back to Caughthron's, but it made for tough reading. I think you can probably still find a way to convey the confusion of the scene using clear sentences, or at least limit those sentences to a very few for effect.

What happened to the key on the carrot? Did Son get to keep it or did Joanna?

The second chapter ended with a great twist, where we had seen Trahaearn and Son heading for what was surely an easy trip into Fairyland, and they get turned around by violent whatever-they-ares. Way to ratchet up the tension! I felt real fear at the descriptions of the things attacking them under the water, though I'm a big NOT-A-FAN of open water and the things that nip you from under the surface so YMMV with other readers. What would have made it better, since Son was focused on going to his father, was for us to get a sense of loss or failure at having to turn around when he'd gotten so close and finally mustered up the courage to head into the pond.

As for protag-ing (seen mentioned above), I thought these two chapters were fine, although you're doing quite a bit of Joanna leading Son through different places so he can see weird things. As interesting as those things are, if those aren't plot seeds planted for later use, then they don't do much for the overall story arc. If they're there to slide us gently into the weirdness that is fairyland, then I think you can accomplish that while still tying them into the future story. For now I'm going to assume that that is what you have done, and if it's not then I'll bug you about it again when I get to the end of the book.

For me, these chapters were fine as is, although a bit more personal investment from Son would be good

- He's learned a bit about Trahaearn from Joanna, how does he feel about it and does it change his opinion of the man?

- His thoughts on Joanna on how she treats the people they visit, and on the fates of those people (you did well with the dancer)

- He thinks often "Papa waits" at the edge of the pool, but I didn't feel a change in his conviction. I didn't see what it was specifically that allowed him to overcome his fear. Tying it to the last conversation he had with his father, when the older man remarks that the boy has changed, would be a fine note to hit.

- Most importantly, his thoughts on retreating from the entrance to fairyland. Does he worry about going back the same way, or does he want to ask Trahaearn if there's another way but now's not the time, or does he lament having come so close and having overcome his fear for nothing? Less seriously, does he have any thoughts about the now-damp-maybe-ruined clothing he described so favourably a few pages earlier?

All in all, I enjoyed this. Well-written as all the others have been, well-paced, and still keeping the fairy tale feel of all the previous submissions. Well done again, and I look forward to the next.

Can I ask if this is a finished work or how long it is?

Edited February 5, 2016 by Shrike76

[rdpulfer]

 

rdpulfer:

- Why is the main character not terrified when he is with Joanna, but he's terrified with Trahaeran as they enter fairy land?

Good question. It's partly to do with personalities. Joanna is not an adult, and while she is a fairy... she appears very normal and the boy relates to her. In short, he's interested and distracted. But also... Joanna hasn't taken the boy into Fairyland proper. A quote from the previous week's submission:

“Was I just in Fairyland?”

“Not really, no. We were just in the borders.”

Crossing over with Trahaearn is a bit of an ordeal, in the traditional sense- it involves a bit of discomfort. 

 

 

- I'm really interested to see where this is going, especially at the end of the chapter. 

Wonderful! Always glad to hear that.

 

Thank you!

 

Yeah, I got thought when I reached the end of the submission. Darn Weekly Reader Syndrome! 

[smgorden]

Shrike76: 

Great notes! I'm going to have to pour over these a few a times. But I particularly appreciate your thoughts on the tying the boy's threshold fears and his desire to overcome them to the previous conversation with the father. That's definitely gonna work its way into revisions, now. Thank you.

 

I have the feeling, in summary, that these chapters are structurally alright, but I'll need to make brief the elements that are just scenery and have more points of specificity on the boy's journey, so we know that it's his experience. Again- thanks for digging deep on these chapters. Much appreciated.

Regarding book length: This submission is near the half point of what I have written thus far. And I have maybe a short third of the book left to write. I'm approaching 60k total words now and estimate I'll hit 80k by the end (before cuts and revisions).

Edited February 6, 2016 by smgorden

[Robinski]

Another solid chapter, I enjoyed the breathless chase from the pond. I liked that the boy was completely disoriented. Not everyone likes that chaotic, scattergun style, but I think it works nicely.

 

Various grammar things, including a fair few missing words, which I think was perhaps intended as a style thing to some degree maybe – if so, I didn’t like it. Best way to keep the reader in the story is for the writing to be ‘invisible’.

 

The only other problem I thought recurred was several instances where the inner monologue felt repetitive, which I’ve noted below, but examples are I think the boy ‘putting away till later’ thoughts of his father. Also, it felt like there are a lot of references of the pattern round the doors. I guess you need it, but it seemed like every door they went through had the pattern.

 

All-in-all, nothing major, I'm still comfortably on board and enjoying the story, and like the pacing, the characters and the setting.

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

Hanging on the Low Point

 

“I wondered if Trahaearn and Mrs. Caughthron...”, “I wondered if it took Joanna” – these are close together and the second one sounds a bit repetitive. I wonder if you might substitute one of the words.

 

“I’m just saying people are weird” – this seems like a modern expression to me.

 

“a little glass bottle and a little knife” – awkward because of the repetition, suggest replacing one of the ‘little’s.

 

“You want her to stay this way? It’s the flowers that make all this bearable. She won’t get up ‘til she stops feeding ‘em.” – There’s something incongruous here. I think the middle statement is inconsistent with the other two – or it feels that way. Rosa is preventing her own release by feeding the flowers, does that make it bearable for Joanna? Surely not, because they are the cause of the Rosa’s torpor. Do they make it bearable for Rosa? I don’t see how, for the same reason.

 

“The room was silent again. She picked up his worn leather shoes and walked over to the door again.” also “A dull clump sounded as they landed on a tall pile of other worn leather shoes.” - identical? Other sounds wrong to me.

 

“concerned about the violin”

 

“He had his own two eyes when he walked into the music room, but by the time I tumbled out of the violin here at Mrs. Caughthron’s, he was wearing that sash” – Dah, dah, DAH! Nice tension builder, another step on the road to revealing the mystery of the title.

 

“worn leather shoes that made me feel anxious. It didn’t feel too good, so I pushed it down to save it for later” – feels like repetition, both his feelings and pushing it down to save for later, which he did with thoughts of his father. I feel this repetition stands out.

 

“small a movement”

 

“slowing digging it out. It was slender but quite long. The soil got moist and dense as we got further down” – it’s only a carrot, it’s taking them an awful long time to dig it out, even carefully. Also, ‘sprout’ made me think of the Brussels variety, not carrots.

 

“A feather and a button” – I feel that we’ve seen this already, but I can’t remember. Maybe just me, or you might want to reminder the reader, unless I'm misremembering, of course.

 

DEEP

 

“a pair of white and black ones” – I feel I need more description of the shoes. Are they patent leather, suede, moleskin? I don’t know, I just felt I couldn’t picture them.

 

“Maybe she’d stitched him up before” – lol.

 

“The last thing I was given before we left was a bunch of fresh vegetables that Joanna and I had collected from the garden that Joanna and I had collected.”

 

“If I were out in the fields like this with Papa”

 

“But the ones I had were light enough, I almost didn’t feel them” – this should sound contrary to the heavier ones. Actually, reading on, I think there is overmuch detail about the shoes.

 

“There’s a creek running through the fields which pools up there” – Generally, water does not run uphill without the assistance of man.

 

“The waves above looked like fish scales” – huh?

 

“The sound set an urgency upon me, and I shot upright as quickly as I could”

 

“I could see that the water was still. Leaves were circulating, but it was mostly calm” – strikes me that the water can’t be still if the leaves are circulating. Mostly calm, is not the same as still.

 

“At the word ‘bottom’ my heart skipped. I don’t know why, but I hadn’t even thought of going down under the water. My legs froze and I didn’t want to move at all” – I think it would be relevant to mention at this point whether the boy can swim or not.

 

“Trahaearn began treading in the water” – there are a few phrases that feel ‘overwritten’, i.e. excessively wordy for the sake of... something. This is one, for me. I think more words than necessary just make the reader think about the writing rather than what the characters are doing.

 

“All at once, the tree emptied of crows and they flew down upon the crowd of dark bodies from the grove and scattered them” – There are a few instances of missing words that change the meaning of the sentence, like here, it isn’t the tree that flew down.

 

“but I lay myself and looking up at the tree again” – I thought at first that he was out of the tree and on the ground, but I don’t think that is what’s intended.

 

“all the way back where we had come” – I don’t follow the sense of this.

 

“I couldn’t tell if my eyes were open or not” – Excellent line.

 

“Near the trees and bushes and places with shadow, dark faces all around” – I don’t like the double ‘and’ but, more than that, I found the line a big vague for the clincher of the chapter.

[Eisenheim]

Okay two main comments: I liked the disjointed diving scene, but maybe dial back the disjoint like, 20% it was a little vertigo-inducing as a reader.  

 

Second thing: given what you've said about the length of the whole piece, your second submission, the story about the potion seller, is taking up a lot of real estate without being well tied to the rest of the narrative.  If it doesn't have a payoff by the end, consider cutting it entirely.