The Goat he/him Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 Hey everybody, this is the first chapter in a fantasy book I'm working on. I'd like feedback on the standard stuff: what's cool, what doesn't work for you, what's unclear; what's boring. Thanks. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yankorro Posted December 16, 2013 Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 This story looks like it has a lot of promise. You fit a lot of worldbuilding into the first chapter, raise a few questions. There are neat details like the minotaur statue with smoke coming out of its nose that I found interesting. I will say though that the mechanics of the thing could use some work. Some of the dialogue seems a wee bit 'modern' for the sort of fantasy setting you have set up. Like the girl Dianne saying 'Let's do this thing', for instance. The dialogue works really well advancing the story and so forth, especially the last part, but the texture and feel of it is a little off, to my ear anyway. Also (and keep in mind, people on this forum are always bagging on my stuff because I don't go into my character's thoughts as much as they would like), I would keep an eye out on the use of 'tags' to introduce the characters thoughts. It can get a little intrusive. For instance: "But he knew that even if his uncle Pesio, the Vinetan King, died, the war wouldn’t stop" or "Tarrito turned away from them, thinking about how great it would be when he could return to his people and stop all these false pretenses that he lived under." could each be easily changed to "But even if his uncle Pesio..." or "Tarrito turned away from them. How great it would be when he could return..." Perhaps it's just my personal preference but it's more of a seamless transition that way. Well, looks like you're off to a good start. Good luck with it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Goat he/him Posted December 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 (edited) Yeah, I undertand, the dialogue issue. I have felt as well, in certain places. I'm having trouble making realistic dialogue with the flavor of the setting I'm going for. It always seems so forced when I put in older sounding words/phrases. Anybody have suggestions for sharpening my ear for that? Maybe I just don't know my characters well enough yet or something. I see what you mean on the thought tags. It's much smoother the second way. Throwing those out now. I didn't realize how freaking many of them I used until you brought it up. They're everywhere! Edited December 16, 2013 by The Goat 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon he/him Posted December 17, 2013 Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 (edited) Welcome to Reading Excuses! Overall, good writing. I was interested in the story, and want to read more. I'm getting a sort of mid-east/fertile crescent vibe from the worldbuilding, so good work on that. Some notes: There are lots of names on the first page. Most of them are not repeated later on, and just clutter up the story because the reader is trying to remember them while getting into the story. Either give a little more to each person to remember them by, or reduce the names to let the introduction shine through. But I do agree with Yankorro on the tags in general (being one of those he is referring to ) Along with tags, the flow of the writing is a little choppy. You tend to have a lot of short action sentences next to each other: "He grabbed Galen by the shoulders. Galen stopped pacing. Tarrito looked Galen in the eyes. The pain in them was evident." Which makes the reader start. to. read. like. this. If you combine two sentences here and there, it will read smoother. Last, I'm not completely sold on Tarrito's character. This may sound harsh from just reading a few pages, but the feeling grew as I read more. He seems to be very squeamish, non-confrontational, and not especially good at getting the job done. That's fine for a character in general, but I'm having trouble believing that he's survived as a spy in a hostile, violent town for five years without 1) getting caught or 2) getting beaten to a bloody pulp. He goes to the poor district to get meet his main contact and can't even fend off a group of petty criminals. I have to think that's he been there many times to find Galen. What did he do the other times? Did he avoid the alchemists every single other time? Again, this is a little harsh, and you may explain everything in the next chapter, but this is what came to mind while reading. I'm interested to see where this story goes! Edited December 17, 2013 by Mandamon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Goat he/him Posted December 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2013 Please don't shy away from the harsh stuff. This is what I need to hear. Very good points. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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