A Cut-Flower Sound Ch. 1 (L)--jParker--11/11/13

[jParker]

Alright guys. Now that you've read it, what do you think?

[andyk he/him]

Nice start to a story. I particularly liked the way that, from the very beginning, you wove together describing the scenery and showing the character's personality. It meant they both emerged in a natural way, and got me interested.

 

I just had a couple of quibbles when he got to the bar. Firstly, he goes very quickly from barely able to croak to a rather long way of saying he's not looking for trouble. That seemed a big jump - wouldn't he have at least needed a glass of water for that?

 

The other was that I wasn't sure why they assumed that he had a tale to tell. Does nobody ever pass through this area? Or was there something particularly that made him look like he'd been through something?

 

Overall, nicely written, and I'm interested to see where it's going.

[Mandamon he/him]

I also thought the writing was good, and you do give a good sense of imagery, but I thought it was a little slow to start.  There just isn't much exciting happening.  A man walks into a bar (sounds like the start of a joke), is greeted by surly townsfolk, then goes to sleep.  No reason yet to be curious as to Elmer's story.  It could be any of a thousand Spaghetti Westerns, or post-apocalyptic worlds.

 

A couple notes:

 

Pg1 "Elmer couldn’t blame her caution"
--Who's caution?  You haven't introduced any females yet.

You have a few phrases that read oddly to me--enough to pop me out of reading for a moment:
sounded like the mating call of glass paper
fingering and stroking his mass of facial hair in a way that was almost erotic
reserved for grandmothers and especially precocious felines.

 

[jParker]

Thanks andy, I completely missed that. Yes, he should have had something to drink. 

 

Also, Legacy (the town) is pretty much the chull end of nowhere. The only people had been there in recent times that weren't long familiar to the townsfolk were taxmen, draft officers and deserters. To them, odds are that Elmer is up to no good. 

 

Mandamon: The prologue has significantly more bang in it. I probably would have submitted it first, if I hadn't woken up this morning and thought of a vastly better way of arranging it. Also, the fact that it "could be any one of a thousand spaghetti Westerns" is hugely complimentary to me. My goal with this story is to create something like if Sergio Leone was project lead on Supernatural.

 

"her" refers to Mother Nature. I understand if that isn't readily clear.

 

As for the phrases, they're supposed to be unusual. Glass paper is a predecessor to sandpaper. The beard thing was just cause. The last is to emphasize Ellen's fussiness--which cats and grandma's typically exemplify.

[yankorro]

Hi there!

 

Well, our two Western-themed stories do seem to share one thing, the classic "Stranger comes to town" trope. But yeah, the differences end there I think.

 

I enjoyed reading this first chapter but there was something bugging me, and I think it has to do with the 'tone' of the piece, or the 'voice' of the narrator, which seems inconsistent in spots. Or rather than inconsistent it seems like it crosses a line it ought not to cross--specifically I'm referring to some of the more humorous asides.

 

So if you don't mind, itll probably just be easier for me to point out and nitpick each of these.

 

For example I agree that the line in the first paragraph about Nature is a little too ambiguously worded to be effective. Try capitalizing Nature, or maybe change to Mother Nature. Also, the paragraph break there adds to the confusion. Maybe join the two?

 

The epithets 'epic-beard' and 'grandfather-beard' seem totally out of place to my ear. Too much of a Whedon-y thing maybe? It suggests a sort of uber-modern, parodic perspective that isn't suggested anywhere else in the text. There are flashes of humor from the narrator, in sort of 'WIld West Raymond Chandler sort of way, but this just sticks out to me. Personally I would dial it back to a simple 'The man with the epic beard' etc.

 

Then again, the protagonist's name is Elmer Cudde. Is that intentionally similar to Elmer Fudd of Looney Tunes fame?

 

'If we stayed on topic' - honestly I could be wrong and this could have been a totally acceptable usage in the mid19th century, but it seems a little anachronistic

 

'precocious felines' - Like Mandamon Im not sure I get this one. Felines who are unusually advanced for their young age? Maybe precocious isn't the right word? Prissy, precious, pretentious?

 

One other thing I would strip out the attribution from the first sentence. Instead of 'It was a very lucky thing, Elmer decided, that he didn't mind monotony', how about 'It was a very lucky thing that Elmer didn't mind monotony.'

 

Curious to see how it comes along in the future!

[Mailliw73 he/him]

I agree with the Nature thing. I didn't get it the first time, then I read the sentence again and understood, so I think if you, as yankorro suggests, you capitalize or add mother it will make it more clear.

The odd phrases thing, I found very interesting and they made sense, even the cat one, though I do think it could be worded a bit better.

Good job! I really do like this so far.

[Two McMillion he/him]

My first thoughts as I read this were of other works. "cut flower sound" harkens back to Rothfess, as does the stranger in the bar. The twinkle in the eyes of the man behind the bar made me think of King's Dark Tower novels.

 

Other than that, I have to echo others that not much happened here. Which is a shame- there are tantalizing hints that Elmer is more than he appears. What does it mean, that it looked exactly like his idea of a saloon? Is a time traveler of some sort? Hasn't he seen a saloon before? His speech impediment seemed interesting, too, but that seemed to go away after a while. Is it truly necessary that this chapter end in slumber? That's the biggest thing here. Even a sentence that contains something unusual about Elmer would go a long way towards making this a little more interesting.

 

On the whole, not a bad start, but not the best I've seen.

[jParker]

I am so glad you picked up on the Rothfuss attribution. I originally chose it as a throwaway title, but I'm liking it more and more. Obviously my prose isn't near as tight as Pat's, but I'm not sure he'll mind my borrowing.

 

I intend to rewrite the prologue and submit it next week. I know it's out of order, but I think it'll put a lot of things in perspective. As I said earlier, it's much more eventful. 

 

yankorro, I'm quite aware of the narrative inconsistencies; it's a side-effect of NaNo and unfortunately, it'll continue sporadically through the novel until I go back and start revisions (probably January 2014--gotta let it seep). Also, I'm embarrassed to say, I only caught the Elmer Fudd thing a few days ago; I wanted a protagonist with an old man name and Elmer Cudde flowed reasonably well. 

 

TwoMcMillion, I'll try to send out a warning in the email whenever a chapter ends in sleep. I do it a few more times, maybe just one or two. Not really sure.

[yankorro]

I also recognized the Rothfuss thing and I haven't even read his stuff. (Well, I tried and decided it wasn't for me.) I specifically remembered the 'cut-flower' bit from a very ornery review lambasting his prose style, which focused very heavily on his use of this sort of imagery, 'cut-flower sounds' and things like that. I decided to google it to try and find the blogpost in question.

 

Then I got like a zillion hits for "cut-flower sound", all related to Rothfuss. The only reason I bring it up is that it seems to me (at the very least from a branding or marketing standpoint *gag*) it might not be the best move to use it as your work's title.

 

(I eventually found the blog in question here, pretty entertaining if you like your book reviews with extra vitriol):  http://ronanwills.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/lets-read-the-name-of-the-wind-ch-1/)

[jParker]

Maybe not, but given that the series' name is Ripe and Ruin, the imagery works rather well. But hey, Manticore Rose is one of the best titles I've seen in a long time. 

 

(Sorry, but that blog post just pissed me off to no end. I have no tolerance for willfully ignorant douchebags' armchair-quarterbacking.)

 

EDIT: I imagine all the links return Rothfuss because he is the only person to use the phrase, at least in recent memory. Wider usage, more diverse links. 

Edited November 12, 2013 by jParker

[yankorro]

I hear you on the hatchet job I linked to and can relate--there should be a specific word in the dictionary for the type of indignation one feels when someone dumps all over what they're into.

 

RIpe and Ruin, that's got a nice ring to it. Glad you liked Manticore Rose as a title, hopefully I'll end up with something at least somewhat worthwhile to back it up!!!