20150831 - Shrike76 - The Fisherman and the Whale (4255) - V

[Shrike76 he/him]

This is the first draft of a short story I wrote, but am not overly satisfied with. I’d like to know what does or doesn’t work for you. I think I know what some of the problems are, structurally, but I’m curious if other people notice the same things and are bothered by them (or not) and to what extent, or if there’s anything I haven’t thought of. I’m open to any feedback or suggestions for improvement.

[Mandamon he/him]

I enjoyed this a lot.  The story has an almost meditative feel to it, with the warm fire, and Esther explaining what is happening to the green-eyed woman.

 

The first time you switched timelines to what Esther did leading up to the story I was thrown a little, but quickly figured out what was going on.

 

You could potentially take out even more of the explanation, though I think it does fit with the overall feel of the story.  The only part I thought was too long was Esther's last explanation about the nightjar sap on page 12.  By that point I figured out what was going on, so I sort of skimmed the explanation.

 

Speaking of which, I could petty much tell what was going to happen in the end (if not how) by Esther's calm reaction to the woman coming to kill her.  I don't know if this is a detriment to the story or not--it was still entertaining to find out how things were put in motion.

 

One other thing. On page 2, the section with "Esther knew the words were lies" I thought was unnecessary.  Esther denying she knows what was going when both of them did seemed counter to everything else Esther does.  After that point she readily explained everything, so I don't know why she made this token attempt to resist.

 

All in all, very good.  You made good promises in the beginning and then followed through.  All the elements of the story were used, and the ending was satisfying.  Maybe not "surprising yet inevitable" as I guessed it, but still satisfying.

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I like the set-up from the beginning. It really grabs you with Esther's reaction to the assassin, and makes the flashback seem natural.

 

- There are times Esther seems a little too confident, bordering on smug. You might be able to dial up the suspense but making her seem more casual and less formal in the scenes with the assassin.

 

- You have too many possessives with the line Esther's sister's face. And also, I didn't even know her sister was there, killing much of the suspense. 

 

- Overall, very powerful story with a good set-up and a satisfying closing. There's a few places which could use a bit more suspense, but overall, I really liked it. 

 

PS - After reading Mandamon's comments, all I can think about is Firefly. "Curse your surprising yet inevitable betrayal!" 

[Shrike76 he/him]

Speaking of which, I could petty much tell what was going to happen in the end (if not how) by Esther's calm reaction to the woman coming to kill her.  I don't know if this is a detriment to the story or not--it was still entertaining to find out how things were put in motion.

 

One other thing. On page 2, the section with "Esther knew the words were lies" I thought was unnecessary.  Esther denying she knows what was going when both of them did seemed counter to everything else Esther does.  After that point she readily explained everything, so I don't know why she made this token attempt to resist.

 

As soon as I started writing this one, there were some things I wasn't sure were going to work. The flashbacks were one, and the fact of Esther being more or less in complete control was another. I knew that it would telegraph the ending but I wasn't sure to what point. I appreciate you giving me your reaction to that.

As to your second point, I think I agree. It doesn't make sense for her to resist unless she has other motives, but then those would have to be communicated better.

 

 

- There are times Esther seems a little too confident, bordering on smug. You might be able to dial up the suspense but making her seem more casual and less formal in the scenes with the assassin.

 

- You have too many possessives with the line Esther's sister's face. And also, I didn't even know her sister was there, killing much of the suspense. 

 

- Overall, very powerful story with a good set-up and a satisfying closing. There's a few places which could use a bit more suspense, but overall, I really liked it. 

 

Certainly Esther shouldn't seem smug until after Sia is incapacitated. I'll have to work on that, and on the suspense in general, providing or concealing the right amount of information.

 

Thanks to both of you for your feedback! It's much appreciated,

[rohyu he/him]

I enjoyed the story. The image of Sia coming in through the window was great.

 

 

I don't understand how Esther knew that the Sia would avenge Abromir's murder. She knew Sia was getting vengeance on certain nights, but how did she know Sia would choose to avenge Abromir specifically. Is it because there are not many murders in that country?

 

 

Sia offers Esther a respite if she can prove she didn't poison Abromir. When Esther's mom says someone poisoned her patient Sia ignores Esther's mom.

Is it because Sia changed how she went about things since she killed Esther's mother?

 

I thought the section where Esther and Sia are in the market is less interesting than the rest of the story, but my desire to find out why Esther killed Abromir kept me reading.

 

Overall I really enjoyed the story. The imagery was great throughout.

[Shrike76 he/him]

I don't understand how Esther knew that the Sia would avenge Abromir's murder. She knew Sia was getting vengeance on certain nights, but how did she know Sia would choose to avenge Abromir specifically. Is it because there are not many murders in that country?

 

It was clear to me, as I was writing the story, that Sia's and Abromir's families were family (cousins, I think, I don't have my original notes). Not making that clearer in print was very much a mistake on my part.

 

Thanks very much for your other feedback as well. It's helping me see which scenes don't do what they need to do.

[Kammererite]

I enjoyed the story as a whole and i I loved the end.

I have some very minor notes listed below:

 

Until the Second flash back i I though that Esther was older then Sia.

 

Esther seams very creepy/stalkery in the market scene, and it was off putting to me. She i really obsessed but i don't know why. Of coarse it makes sense at the end.

 

Page 7 the line "Your story grows long. Tell me...." This felt out of place and forced to me. Sia just asked Ester a question 3 seconds ago and the explanation about the mother is short not lengthy. Also isn't she really doing this for her sister. 

 

So she just know where Eminal lives?

 

The intro to the third flashback was very like the 2nd flash. Esther says the almost the exact same thing and felt repetitive to me although I does work. 

[Shrike76 he/him]

Thanks, Kammererite.

You bring up some good points, I'l definitely keep your comments in mind when I do a rewrite.

[Robinski he/him]

I would normally provide a summary of my impressions above the line and detailed comments below the line, but as soon as I started reading your story, I felt I wanted to finish it.

 

I am hooked from the first paragraph. Straight away I'm engaged by the way Esther perceives the world around her and the way your describe it. The way you describe the hair brushing, the stars and the air is intoxicating. We then go from the very intimate scene in Para.1 to a suddenly intense and threatening situation after Para.2 with a very light touch.

 

There’s an almost fairytale quality to the writing, perhaps due to the economy of phrasing and the short sentences. I found it just made the reading easier without detracting from the imagery or the sense of setting, which is was able to picture without difficulty, even though there isn’t a great deal of description.

 

There is some very nice foreshadowing of key elements, not immediately obvious at all, but clear as a bell once the truth unfolds about the splinter (for example). I thought that was nicely done.

 

The flashbacks, if that’s the right word, were only slightly jarring at first. The second one seemed a little on the long side.

 

I do find myself asking what age Sia is in the present since, like others, I had presumed Esther to be maybe mid to late twenties, judging from her confidence / calmness and seeming experience. I guess perhaps she's younger, but I'm not sure she came across that way.

 

All-in-all, a very satisfying and enjoyable read. Have you submitted this anywhere? If not I would get a couple of edits done and start submitting forthwith.

 

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“In the mirror, Esther she saw” – The name repeats very quickly after the previous mention, which I always find awkward. When she’s the only one there, I think you can go a (relatively) long way before you need to mention her name again.

 

“all right” – alright

 

I got too caught up in the story to bother with line edits, but I’ll happily tracked some suggestions in the Word document if that would help. I dare say it’s all stuff you would pick up yourself with grammar checker anyway.

[Shrike76 he/him]

Thanks very much for the kind words, Robinski. If you have any edits you'd like to send back I'd happily take them.

I have not submitted this anywhere. I had started writing it with the intention of submitting for a themed anthology last fall but I was overly slow about writing it, and when the deadline passed I put the story down for several months before deciding to try and finish it. If I can get it satisfactorily cleaned up I'll try to find it a home.

[Robinski he/him]

PS - After reading Mandamon's comments, all I can think about is Firefly. "Curse your surprising yet inevitable betrayal!" 

 

Best cowboys in space show, ev-errrrr!

 

"Next time you want to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face."

[Robinski he/him]

If you have any edits you'd like to send back I'd happily take them.

 

I'll aim to get to that before next week's submissions (if I can get caught up with this week's! Roll on the weekend...).