Aspiring writer seeking feedback (novel excerpts)

[Amanuensis]

Greetings fellow Sanderfans,

 

Many years ago I began play-by-post roleplaying, and from that little hobby began to develop my own voice and ideas. I realize, however, that if I want to improve then I am in severe need of feedback. Considering we all have similar tastes in literature, I figured this would be the best place to seek it out.

 

Though the first book is currently unnamed, the tentative title of the series is the Renaissance Saga, or Red Renaissance. It takes place on our world, several years after what scientists theorize is a tiny, hypervelocity star collides with our sun, triggering a luminous red nova. As the sun expands to consume Mercury, a solar pulse of energy permeates space, shattering Venus and nearly annihilating Earth. Thanks to our planet's atmosphere it manages to resist most of the damage, but we take severe casualties, losing a third of our world's population in the initial burst and millions more during the aftermath. In the wake of this event, the sun becomes blood red and a new element is introduced to Earth's thermosphere, transforming the sky into a lustrous silver.

 

United by this international disaster, the surviving governments of the world come together to form what they call the Global Coalition. As one force dedicated to the recovery of humanity, they restabilize civilization and it seems life may return to normal. Only things are not so simple anymore, as some people begin to develop supernatural abilities. In vain of A Song and Ice and Fire, the series follows multiple characters scattered across the world and each chapter is named for them, though the title also includes information such as the date and their location, since setting shifts and flash backs will be rather prominent.

 

Reckoners fans may be intrigued by this concept, however I should mention that it possesses a more mature narrative. Some of the characters struggles, especially in the beginning, are less action oriented and focused on internal dilemmas instead. A big element of the development of these abilities is that they are connected to the person's character fundamentally; I.E. a Marine who believed he was invincible now has skin harder than diamond but is also incapable of feeling, or a young woman whose felt invisible her entire life is slowly fading from existence more each day, becoming a ghost both in body and in memory.

 

Anyway, I'll just add the first chapter of what I guess you could call the "primary" primary character.  I would appreciate any opinions and feedback, especially regarding the flow of the story. I am attempting this series in first person because I think it would help the readers identify with each characters individual story and unique perspective. Though I am American, Reid was born and raised in England so I try to utilize british terminology and gramatical eccentricities. If any inconsistencies are noticed, or you see anything that feels unnatural / could be improved upon, please bring it to my attention. I am mostly looking for constructive comments, however if you like what you see statements of a purely positive nature are welcome, as I could always use the morale boost when writer's block rears its ugly head.

 

Thank you very much.

Reid 1.docx

Edited August 23, 2015 by Alvom

[Amanuensis]

I'm also adding Mason's first chapter, to illustrate what I mean by the drastic changes in character voices. I would love some opinions on whether this would be a turn off (having a book that hops from a character with high levels of education to one with significantly less and having their chapters written stylistically different as a result) or if it is an interesting method / enough of a novetly that it wouldn't affect the audience too significantly.

Mason 1.docx

Edited August 12, 2015 by Alvom

[The One Who Reads]

I only skimmed through the 'Reid' chapter (will have a more in-depth look later) so I won't comment on any real writing stuff yet, but I am a Brit so I may be able to help with any 'grammatical eccentricities'. 

 

The first thing I noticed was colour not color, is this going to be constant throughout or will an American character's chapter use the other spelling? Switching between spelling for your narration could possibly go beyond giving the characters unique voices (which I love incidentally) and just become confusing or give the impression of inconsistency, especially with words that are still pronounced the same. I will be back here after another more detailed reading and if none of the other Sharders have given you any feedback will give you my thoughts on the other stuff as well. Keep writing and stay positive!

[Amanuensis]

That was a part of what I meant by grammatical eccentricities. Characters from the United Kingdom would use their spelling while Americans use theirs. Personally I think the differences are minor enough that people should not have any trouble adapting back and forth, and it adds a distinct flavor / realisticness to it. At one point I toyed with having Mason (a character with a significantly less than average education) write in slang (I.E. the g at the end of words like something is replaced with an apostrophe) though it got to the point where the entire document was covered in red squiglies and I decided that his abrupt sentence structure would be enough to differentiate him, compared to someone like Reid who views the world in purple prose.

Edited August 12, 2015 by Alvom

[WayneSpren]

This is great! I look forward to its completion!