Kammererite-2015-08-03 Essence of Fire- Vial 1 continued- Submission2

[Kammererite]

Hi All,

Here is a place to post all your feedback.

 

I was listening to a writing excuses the other day and they were talking about promises. As this is the end of the beginning to my stories I was wonder if you wouldn't mind commenting (in addition to your awesome feedback) on what promises you feel I have made to you for this story. Other then missing words and bad grammar .

 

Cheers.

[Shrike76 he/him]

As I said in the other thread, I only signed up last week so this is the first one I've read, though I read the summary contained in the email.

 

I need to be up front that the quality of the writing in this submission is a big problem for me. The story reads as though it might be entertaining, but there are spelling errors, grammatical errors, and punctuation errors in almost every sentence, and that makes it extremely difficult to be engaged by the tale. I wanted to like it, but the story never really took hold of me (though it came closest during the fight sequence where they're coordinating attacks against Neetuts).

 

A few specific things stood out to me:

 - Bladders don't pound. I don't even know what that would feel like but I imagine it would signal a strong need for a doctor and not a strong need to urinate.

 - "As I creep up the stairs, the voice becomes clearer": I feel that this line is redundant. You convey precisely that effect with the quoted line above that one (where more words are progressively comprehensible). I already knew that the voices were becoming clearer by the way you wrote them, you don't need to say it again.

 - I feel that it doesn't make sense that Lumi's mother would harp about responsibilities without any examples. Surely she would have been nagging Lumi with specifics her entire life (proper decorum, knowledge of history and local nobility, embroidery, find a husband and produce a child). You miss a great opportunity here to develop both Lumi's character and her relationship with her mother by showing us the way she reacts (either poorly or favourably) to the specific things that her mother expects of her.

 - The polar gryphon. This may seem minor but if your POV character knows that it is a polar gryphon, that information should come before he describes it. Giving it a name right from the get-go doesn't take away any of the impact, and there's no reason to withhold it - It can be a polar gryphon first, and still be a four-legged horror dining on the intestines of slain guards. I feel like it gives it less punch the way you've done it. Which begs the next point...

 - Warlocks. If they've been gone for decades, then this character has never encountered one. How does he instantly know what they are?

 - The way you describe the Neetuts following the Scepter out of the manor made me think that they are on the same side, which I don't think is what you meant for that scene?

 

The story has a few other issues but I think the structure holds up well enough. Beyond that I think you should devote time to improving your basic English skills. It might seem like a boring thing to do (indeed, the eating your vegetables of being a writer), but if you want to keep writing prose in English, you need to have a good grasp for the conventions of the language, and I don't see that represented in this submission. You can have the best story idea in the world, but it won't come across if the language you convey it with is flawed.

 

Specifically regarding spelling errors. Do you use auto-correct when you write? I see mistakes occurring that look like you mis-spelled a word and it corrected to something else (for example, defiantly where you clearly meant definitely, which is an odd thing to write unless you put down something like definatly and the computer fixed it for you). If you do, then you should turn it off, and use a spell-checker that allows you to select the word that gets put in place of the typo.

Edited August 4, 2015 by Shrike76

[Kashimir he/him]

Hello,

 

I have also just joined the community, and therefore did not get the chance to read the previous part.

 

Here are few things that bothered me:

-One point in the conversation between Kang and Lumi felt really info-dumpy (the cursed lands with the old gods).

-When Kang goes straight from seeing the latrine to describing the library undermined the sense of his urgency. I felt it should be Lumi that keeps him from going.

-There was a strong contrast between the comedic end to that conversation and the overall serious tone. To me, it felt a bit out of place.

On the positive side, I catched up with the setting and the character motivations quickly, despite not having read the previous bit. Also, I thought the pacing and the blocking once the action started was really good.

[Shrike76 he/him]

-There was a strong contrast between the comedic end to that conversation and the overall serious tone. To me, it felt a bit out of place.

 

I noticed this but it didn't bother me. I assumed it was simply the style of the story (humor to defuse a tense situation, similar to what's common in, say, Marvel Comic movies, but not something you'll get in Game of Thrones). But yes, if you're going to use that tone then it should be consistent, and you should be aware that it does kill your tension, so if that's not what you're aiming for then it should be fixed.

[Mandamon he/him]

This was certainly an easier read than the last one.  You do have an engaging syle, but there are still some consistent grammar issues, such as apostrophe use, noun/verb agreement, and comma usage.  Kang's thinking also get's very "explainy" at times.  It seems like he's only thinking to give the reader more background information.

 

There are several good action scenes and some good humor throughout.  However, Kang seemed overly smitten with Lumi immediately.

 

I wasn't really sure where everything was taking place.  I think you said it's in a village, but how big is it? What do the houses look like? Are there trees, streets, animals?

 

As for promises, I don't think I've really read enough yet to understand what the promises are.  We haven't really "started" the story yet, as you're still introducing the characters and how they react.  I suppose there's a thread about Kang gaining some sort of powers, but I'm not really clear yet on the magic.

 

 

Some other notes:

 

pg 1: "manors basement"

--manor's basement.  

 

pg 1: "the building last inhabitance"

--the building's last inhabitant

 

pg 2:"Quite Variik"

--Quiet Variik

 

Pg 3 "A sharp cramp runs through my mid-section. Priorities. "

--He's stopped a couple times on the way to pee.  I would think if it was that bad, he would have gone and listened on his way back.

 

pg 3: "frozen on the ice"

--good in-world idiom

 

pg 5: ". "No, I have not. In fact I have never been west of the Inner Sea of Ice.” She spits out bitterly."

--You've done this a couple times.  The tag at the end is not a new sentence, it's a continuation of the dialogue, so it should be:

 Ice,” she spits

 

pg 5: "She smiles at me. "That is your question then?”

--She's asked about five questions before this...

 

pg 7: "Lumi Stiffness."

--stiffens

 

pg 8: "Warlocks! But weren’t they were hunted to extinction by the inquisition over a decades ago?"

--This is pretty info-dumpy

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I'm not a doctor, but I think if your bladder is making that sound, there is something very wrong with you. At first I also thought it was the sound his father was making, which was equally strange. Might want to describe the sensation rather than the sound.

 

- Abruptly cutting off Lumi's description as she stands up is a little jarring. I know you should avoid list-like description, but this feels a bit off.

 

- I like the line about "priorities", but I have trouble believing a guy who has to go really bad is going to actively think about spying, and in this passage, it feels like he's snooping around rather than trying to find the bathroom. I think you should pick one and write accordingly.

 

- I like Lumi, but I'm not sure I like the way their first meeting ends. It feels like Kang probably could have excuses himself earlier, and Lumi makes it all the more awkward. It feels a little flat, and it really doesn't payoff as well as I would like.

 

- The chapter definitely picks up when the fighting starts. I think you could trim this chapter down to his interaction with Lumi followed yb the attack. I'm definitely interested to see what happens next.

[Kammererite]

Hi All,.

Great feedback. Good points one and all.

I will keep working on the grammar and punctuation.

 

@Shrike. Good point on the scepter leaving. Thanks for the tip about auto correct. I didn't realize the new MS word adopted that function.

 

@Mandamon. Your right Kang thinking can get kind of "explain". I'll have to work on that.   

 

@Kashimir. Thanks for pointing washroom error. The intention was to have Lumi be the reason he doesn't go to the washroom. I'll have to rearrange the movement in that section.

 

@ RDP. I do want to make that conversation end awkwardly. But might have to approach it from a different angle, something like Kang accidently insulting her. I'll think on it.  I might be able to trim up the start a little but the eavesdropping needs to stay.

 

Thanks again for reading and I am glad you enjoyed the action sequence.

 

 

[Robinski he/him]

I enjoyed this. I like the action scenes, which are gritty and pretty convincing, but certain character interactions and some detail bothered me. I also have some concern about how the female characters appear to be going.

 

With the grammar and typos thing, I don’t know what package you use, but I would turn on the grammar checker, it will help you rule out a lot of these mistakes and make your writing look more polished – not to mention easier to read, which will dispose people better towards it when you’re submitting.

 

I think you need to be a bit cautious about the way you treat Lumi. I'm okay with the young lad objectifying her in the sense that such would be normal behaviour for a teenage boy, but I would be wary of the narrative or the story / plot mainly presenting her in terms of her physical appearance. It seems from her set-up that she is capable and will should things to do, not just be love interest. Later, she seems to become the damsel in distress, which I found disappointing. That is a real stereotype and I hope that is not the way the story is going to play out.

 

One thing I note is a common feature among the typos is plurals. “Manor’s doors” is no different from “Kang’s father,” both singular possessive. If it belongs to multiple people, the apostrophe comes afterwards, as in “All the soldiers’ swords...”

 

For me, the exchange between Lumi and Kang ends up feeling very modern and out of place with what I take to be a the serious and dark tone of the story. She starts to sound like a character from Clueless! It’s not that this sort of light-hearted comedic stuff can’t work; I just thought the story was so dark and gritty in the main that this scene was a radical shift in tone. Like one minute we’re in ‘The 13^th Warrior’ and the next minute we’re in ‘The Princess Bride’. I would struggle with that over the course of a whole Novella, I think it erodes the work done setting up the dark tone, which is good.

 

I like the tension in the sudden attack, although I don’t know why there was a section break as it seems to follow immediately from him entering the latrine.

 

I felt that the hiding was unrealistic. How can he see through slushy pee? If it’s slushy, that implies opaque to me. Also, I don’t think it would be possible to keep your eyes open – that is going to sting beyond pain, surely! Furthermore, the surface of the fluid would still be moving when the gryphon comes in, but I guess, as an animal, it might not take any heed of that – and yet it hears the sound of a couple of bubbles from him breathing out?

 

In summary, I still think there is good potential in the story, and I'm keen to keep reading. I guess I was a bit more prepared for the typos this time. I’ve emailed you back a track changes. If you’re gonna send us untidy copy, I'm gonna track it!!

 

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I really don’t like what I guess is a snoring noise. Personally, I think it’s pretty funny, which I didn’t think was the tone that you were going for.

 

You spend a lot of time talking about lanterns. I would be tempted to find another word for variation. You could say ‘lamp’ or ‘light’ or ‘globe’, something to break up the repetition.

 

I like the detail of the lad’s bladder driving his priorities. It gives the scene a good touch of realism.

 

At first, I wasn’t sure what you mean by the term ‘unit’ because of the clipped dialogue.

 

It seems odd the Lumi spots him right away, whereas Variik presumably walks past him. It might be because he steps out when she’s coming, but that wasn’t clear.

 

“A small frown crosses Lumis’ lips Lumi’s face.” – Lips don’t frown.

 

 “with multiple plainly adorned rooms on each side” – suggestion: unnecessary

 

“Oh, so you want to attend the Academy?” This seems like a dumb question – he’s just said as much, hasn’t he? Like I said above, I hope Lumi is not going to be all moony over Kang. She comes across spirited and independent. I hope she is going to act that way.

 

“The older guardswoman, Gizella, smiles at us...” Again, why does the female guard smile when the male soldiers appear more hard-bitten? I would think a female soldier might strive to be hardnosed and suppress their more feminine aspects. It raises a flag to me about the female characters and potential stereotyping.

 

If Kang was bursting before, I would think he would be very uncomfortable by the time they get to the latrine, but his urgency seems to reduce or be forgotten about.

 

“hitting me in the my temple” – suggestion: unnecessarily wordy

[Robinski he/him]

I see that there are other comments on the humour. Just to be clear, I don't object to having humour, quite the opposite, but I think it should still fit with the tone of the story. That doesn't mean it needs to be dark. I've gone back and read that scene again, and I think my problem is really with Lumi's tone. What age is she supposed to be? To me, she sounds about 16/17. I think she is my single biggest concern with the story - as I've noted above - my concern being that she is becoming an objectified stereotype, even after you set her up as a capable warrior. I think her character and reactions need some refinement, possibly rethinking - but maybe that it not where it's going, so I will read on in hope!

 

Promises? Hmm...

 

1) - Heavy implication that the Inquisitor (ripped straight out of Mistborn?!) is going to train Kang.

2) - Seems as if Kang is going to have to rescue Lumi, and possibly his father, or avenge him if the beasts kill him. (Danger! Level 5 stereotype alert!)

3) - Extension of 1), but seems that Kang is going to turn out to be really quite capable as a magic user.

4) - By setting up the physical attraction between Kang and Lumi you're promising a resolution of it, in some form.

 

I think that's about it, from my pov.

 

I don't know what your goals are for your story, but that message that is loud and clear - I think - from WE and in general, probably, is that if you want to get published you need to do something different, or do something unoriginal exceptionally well. I must say that you story does have some very familiar elements, like those promises, which are quite common in SFF gone by.

 

Also, you have some elements that are very close to home on this site, like Inquisitors (Mistborn) and the Neetut sound a bit like trollocs (Wheel of Time). I like the kind of intuit feel to your story, but I would seriously consider changing the name 'inquisitor'.

Edited August 9, 2015 by Robinski

[Kammererite]

Hi Robinski.

Thanks for the feedback.

I do want some humor for sure (specifically in the interactions between Lumi and Kang) but I probably need to pull back on this as it might not fit the story (like others have mentioned previously). I will be doing some thinking on this.

Good catch on the slushy pee. Writing in a constant arctic environment is a unique world building challenge. I often miss these little details.  

I don't have hard ages on the character. I was aiming around 15-18 for both Lumi and Kang.

 

Cheer