20130520 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 14

[Mandamon he/him]

Here is chapter 14 of The Seeds of Dissolution.
This one has some more action and progress than the last couple chapters, and I like this one, even though it's broken up into small POVs.  Let me know what you think.

Previously:
-Origon flew the first capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji.
-Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt.  He escaped through a hole he somehow created in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether.
-Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species.
-Rilan meets her new apprentice, Enos, and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe.
-A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede.  Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls.
-In the Assembly, a witness to the Aridori testifies, while Sam learns more about Enos.
-Rilan realizes the witness is lying for some reason, but is upstaged by a rival, Vethis.  Origon attempts to diffuse the situation by bringing up his Drains.  Afterward, he learns Enos and her brother were also victims of a Drain and wants to immediately investigate the site, but Rilan stops him.
-Sam gets clothes to blend in with the people of the Nether, makes friends, starts to settle in, and learns about unrest in the Imperium

As always, looking for comments on character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and in-world word confusion.

Thanks!

[cjhuitt he/him]

The “another day later” transition reads oddly to me.  I think it kind of implies to me that Origon was the POV character before, or that the POV character is continuing, but that’s not the case here.

 

A good sign: I’ve recognized the Nether as a world building entity good enough to stand on its own, which means I’ve been speculating, and Rilan’s mindless walk through the streets of the Imperium got me thinking how the Nether’s abilities could be used.  Could her attackers have been walking the Nether trying to find someone to attack?  Would it have brought them to her?  Or maybe detoured her to them as well?  Could someone use it to find a house that could easily be robbed?  How about one with an unlocked door?  A cracked window?  Could you use it to find the ingredients to make a poison, or an explosive, even if you didn’t immediately know what the ingredients were?  What would happen if you were to embrace the Source — sorry, I meant to try and manipulate kelhiw for a specific result, but not know how to obtain that result, and leave your mind open for the Nether to guide you?  Would it?  Could that work for architecture or design also?  What about figuring out what clothing and styles to stock in your shop?

 

Dun dun dun!  The council now believes in Aridori also.

[Mandamon he/him]

Wow!  Thanks very much for all the feedback!  I'm finishing up the first edit now, so this comes at a great time.  I'll answer a few things here for all the chapters:

 

ch5:

I've already reduce the first 4 chapters to three, and I've been thinking about turning it into a prologue, as you suggest.  I'll probably want to compress even more if I do that.

 

Specific description seems to be my main problem, as you've picked up on in a few places.  I think I need to do a complete read-through after the first edit and add smells/sounds/touch/taste

 

ch7/8:

I've made some changes to agoraphobia, but haven't addressed the Nether being telepathic.  Good catch.  I'll go back and edit.

 

ch9:

Rilan and curses--glad someone picked this up!

Enos and the telepathic Nether--again, good catch.  Hadn't even thought about addressing it, but there is a reason she doesn't mind.

 

ch10:

Sam hits on Enos.  Yes--this was not well done, and I've changed it around in the edit.

On self identifying as a cult:  I think I need to add some more description on this.  I meant it in the "secret mystery" sense of the original Greek/Roman, where "cult" was not necessarily a bad term.

 

ch11:

The Effature is intended to be mysterious and aloof.  Does it work?

 

Tad, Names, and being disgraced.  Another good catch.  I went back to look and realized I never really explained.  The Naiyul clan is made up exclusively of the "disgraced," which is why the question wasn't (completely) impolite.

 

Guns and Guards.  Thanks for the input.  I agree this is a weak point.

 

Enos and the Drain is a coincidence.  hmmm.  Yes it is.  I need to add something in later I forgot about...

 

ch12:

The traders who caught the sterilization plot were actually different.  This whole subplot refers to a short story I put together about a year ago, and included the repercussions as part of this larger story.  If I ever could manage to get something in this universe published, I want to have some tie-in short stories.

 

Vethis defeating/silencing.  Yet another good catch.

 

Avoiding the question on more than 10 species.  Glad you thought about the Aridori.  That's what I intended.  Also, Rilan and Origon have traveled a LOT together, many years ago... ;-)

 

ch13:

I cleaned up the money a little, and took out the denomination breakdown.  

 

ch14:

"another day later" -- I went back and searched for this line.  I remember it bugging me too, and I think it's been edited out.

 

Glad you're thinking about the Nether.  That makes me feel better about my little world...  I've been noodling around with this concept as well, and do have plans, but they didn't get into this book.

 

 

So, thanks again.  I'd love for you to do an alpha reading at some point after I get finished (if you have time).  I'm willing to trade for it!  You do pick up a lot of my weak points and concepts.  I have five "good catches" marked down that I hadn't seen.

In addition, you specifically brought up four items I intended to be mysterious/misleading, so hopefully that means they were visible enough, and hopefully not too annoying (especially if you don't find out the answers in this book...)

[Robinski he/him]

I've been seeing 'Seeds of Dissolution' pop up from time to time, but that was quite some blanket coverage!

 

Even though I haven't read a word of it, only signing up at Chapter 10 or so, I though I would read cj's comments and now I'm total intrigued. Sounds to me likes it's an ideal candidate for alpha reading, put me down for a copy too.

[Mandamon he/him]

Robinski--Thanks!  Will do.  The more the merrier.  I'm aiming for about two and a half more weeks until I finish it up, and then the whole thing will be ready for alpha readers.

[cjhuitt he/him]

So, thanks again.  I'd love for you to do an alpha reading at some point after I get finished (if you have time).  I'm willing to trade for it!

 

I'd definitely consider an alpha read, though I can't make any promises.  I went through those chapters a few a day when I was on vacation, but now that I'm not (and have the internet shinies to distract me), it's harder to put together time in the day to both do my writing and do the critiquing I'd like to.

 

I do enjoy... well, that's not exactly the word, but get some satisfaction and benefit from doing the critiques also.  My theory is that if I get good enough at seeing the weak spots in other people's work, and thinking about them critically, I might have a chance to see the weak spots in my own.

 

Some of them, at least.

 

Perhaps one or two?

 

Yes, well, I do hope you are finished with it soon, and perhaps by then we (the Reading Excuses group) will have the alpha-reader folder thing figured out.

[cjhuitt he/him]

Also, a couple more specific responses.  I nearly forgot about them.

 

ch10:

On self identifying as a cult:  I think I need to add some more description on this.  I meant it in the "secret mystery" sense of the original Greek/Roman, where "cult" was not necessarily a bad term.

This makes sense when explained, but as it is in the text, it has a lot of connotation.  Especially since the first couple of references to them seem to be from outsiders.

 

ch11:

The Effature is intended to be mysterious and aloof.  Does it work?

Honestly, I didn't think much about him in those terms, especially in the beginning when Rilan was thinking about him.  Mostly just curious as to if it was plausible or not that the Effature was the same person.

 

ch14:

"another day later" -- I went back and searched for this line.  I remember it bugging me too, and I think it's been edited out.

This was right at the beginning of the chapter that you sent out.  If it's not there, you've probably edited it indeed.