Question 13

[+Slowswift]

Thanks. I'll still try to get that done soon, though.

 

 

 

 

Hope you manage to come back someday. And even if not, I hope you have as much fun as we will.

 

Same goes for you if you're reading this, Kipper.

 

Oh, thanks. I love this place. 

[Edgedancer he/him]

Thanks. I'll still try to get that done soon, though.

That would be nice, mister space AM.

[Kobold King he/him]

That would be nice, mister space AM.

 

Forgive me for my ignorance, but who exactly is space AM?

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Forgive me for my ignorance, but who exactly is space AM?

Altermind?

Ambulance Master?

Automaton?

Android Male?

Amazing Maestro?

I have no idea either.

[Edgedancer he/him]

Forgive me for my ignorance, but who exactly is space AM?

Anguish is space AM (maybe, actually I hope not). This is the actual AM, possibly the most messed up, insane, sadistic and hateful AI ever created and he very much can't leave earth, which is one of the reasons why he's so messed up.

Edited July 6, 2015 by Edgedancer

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Anguish is space AM (maybe, actually I hope not).

is the actual AM, possibly the most messed up, insane, sadistic and hateful AI ever created and he very much can't leave earth, which is one of the reasons why he's so messed up.

AM! I remember now! (Obviously I've never actually read I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream or else I probably would've caught the reference immediately. It sounds pretty unforgettable. )

[Kobold King he/him]

Anguish is space AM (maybe, actually I hope not). This is the actual AM, possibly the most messed up, insane, sadistic and hateful AI ever created and he very much can't leave earth, which is one of the reasons why he's so messed up.

 

...

 

Darn. This is what you get for not reading a classic work of sci-fi and then shooting for originality in your own.

[Edgedancer he/him]

...

 

Darn. This is what you get for not reading a classic work of sci-fi and then shooting for originality in your own.

To be fair, the actual book was written in only a night after the author was left by his wife, the point and click is much more content rich. Also the fact that Anguish isn't static but can move from one location to another makes all the difference, trust me, it was just the screaming in silent anguish line that reminded me of the I have no mouth and i must scream part.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

...

Darn. This is what you get for not reading a classic work of sci-fi and then shooting for originality in your own.

You've read lots of others, so you're light years ahead of my early Star Wars ripoffs efforts.

[Kobold King he/him]

To be fair, the actual book was written in only a night after the author was left by his wife, the point and click is much more content rich. Also the fact that Anguish isn't static but can move from one location to another makes all the difference, trust me, it was just the screaming in silent anguish line that reminded me of the I have no mouth and i must scream part.

 

That's a little better. And in actually writing Anguish as a character, I intend to downplay the sadism that's often present in fictional AIs in favor of a homicidal computer that's pushed more by empathy than anything else. It sounds weird, but it's shaping well in my head.

 

 

Twi, would you happen to have seen the brief tale I wrote for LarkoftheRiver's Star Trek RP? To be honest I was kind of hoping for some kind of commentary or criticism from someone, since I was experimenting heavily with a writing style I haven't touched before. 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

That's a little better. And in actually writing Anguish as a character, I intend to downplay the sadism that's often present in fictional AIs in favor of a homicidal computer that's pushed more by empathy than anything else. It sounds weird, but it's shaping well in my head.

Twi, would you happen to have seen the brief tale I wrote for LarkoftheRiver's Star Trek RP? To be honest I was kind of hoping for some kind of commentary or criticism from someone, since I was experimenting heavily with a writing style I haven't touched before.

I hadn't. I saw it last night (I think) but didn't have a chance to read it. Which thread was it in again?

[Kobold King he/him]

I hadn't. I saw it last night (I think) but didn't have a chance to read it. Which thread was it in again?

 

Well I posted it on the Random Stuff thread, but the original's here.

 

Not trying to be pushy or anything. If you're not interested in it, that's fine and I'll won't bother you about it.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Well I posted it on the Random Stuff thread, but the original's here.

Not trying to be pushy or anything. If you're not interested in it, that's fine and I'll won't bother you about it.

Just finished reading. I liked it quite a bit. The story of Anguish was a sad one, and definitely horrifying.

I did think that some portions could have used more description, like the sort of artisanal things the black planet's inhabitants would make; maybe a line or two about how some of their patterns for metalworking have survived in the jewelry from some other world, or how some of their tempering techniques have been adopted by many. Though I thought the part that needed more description the most was the final battle with Anguish. It's a computer that has destroyed ships and planets....and I felt that the battle needed a bit more detail to really convey the drama of it.

And this is just a personal preference that I know is not shared by everyone, so feel free to ignore it, but I'm usually not a fan of the storyteller frame. I know pretty much every Star Trek spinoff used it at some point, and it bugged me then too. But it fits in with the fandom you're writing for, so it's really just my preference and nothing you need to change.

[Kobold King he/him]

Just finished reading. I liked it quite a bit. The story of Anguish was a sad one, and definitely horrifying.

I did think that some portions could have used more description, like the sort of artisanal things the black planet's inhabitants would make; maybe a line or two about how some of their patterns for metalworking have survived in the jewelry from some other world, or how some of their tempering techniques have been adopted by many. Though I thought the part that needed more description the most was the final battle with Anguish. It's a computer that has destroyed ships and planets....and I felt that the battle needed a bit more detail to really convey the drama of it.

And this is just a personal preference that I know is not shared by everyone, so feel free to ignore it, but I'm usually not a fan of the storyteller frame. I know pretty much every Star Trek spinoff used it at some point, and it bugged me then too. But it fits in with the fandom you're writing for, so it's really just my preference and nothing you need to change.

 

 

Thanks for reading it.

 

Yeah, the lack of description was my biggest gripe with it too. I wrote it in a hurry in between two time-sensitive chores, and I never went back and did a second draft. The final Anguish battle will definitely be a priority when I make adjustments, as well the technological achievements of the black planet's creatures.

 

Again, thanks for reading and double thanks for the criticism. It's good to hear wiser thoughts than my own on my writing, even when it's something I hammered out in thirty minutes based on a cliche and derivative idea.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Thanks for reading it.

Yeah, the lack of description was my biggest gripe with it too. I wrote it in a hurry in between two time-sensitive chores, and I never went back and did a second draft. The final Anguish battle will definitely be a priority when I make adjustments, as well the technological achievements of the black planet's creatures.

Again, thanks for reading and double thanks for the criticism. It's good to hear wiser thoughts than my own on my writing, even when it's something I hammered out in thirty minutes based on a cliche and derivative idea.

"There is nothing new under the sun," as Solomon said in Ecclesiastes (not Obliteration's second favorite book, sadly ). It was a good story and I liked it, regardless of how it's been done before.

[Blaze1616 he/him]

In addition to what Twi said, to offer some prose critique, you reuse words somewhat often. Though not normally an issue, there's the following sentence:

 

 

The unlucky were carted away in chains, their tears and sobs going unheard as the alien warships carted them further across the galaxy.

 

 

Then there's this passage, though I have a feeling this was done intentionally. Still thought I should mention it in case it wasn't:

 

 

All the anger and grief of an entire civilization was condensed into a single computer the likes of which the galaxy had ever known and has never known since. And that computer they installed in the most powerful vessel the galaxy had ever known and has never known since.

 

 

I feel like it definitely occurred one other time, but I can't seem to find it, so perhaps I'm just delusional. Anyways, this is very rarely an issue with writers on here, but I know it is something I often struggle with, and as such have trained myself to throw red flags when it happens.

Edited July 6, 2015 by Blaze1616

[Kobold King he/him]

In addition to what Twi said, to offer some prose critique, you reuse words somewhat often. Though not normally an issue, there's the following sentence:

 

 

 

Then there's this passage, though I have a feeling this was done intentionally. Still thought I should mention it in case it wasn't:

 

 

 

I feel like it definitely occurred one other time, but I can't seem to find it, so perhaps I'm just delusional. Anyways, this is very rarely an issue with writers on here, but I know it is something I often struggle with, and as such have trained myself to throw red flags when it happens.

 

Huh. The second time was intentional, but the first time was a result of my shuffling the word around the sentence and forgetting to take a much-needed visit to Thesaurus.com.

 

Thanks again for the criticism. I'm swiftly learning that I need to create at least two drafts before posting anything new.

Edited July 6, 2015 by Kobold King

[Edgedancer he/him]

Huh. The second time was intentional, but the second time was a result of my shuffling the word around the sentence and forgetting to take a much-needed visit to Thesaurus.com.

 

Thanks again for the criticism. I'm swiftly learning that I need to create at least two drafts before posting anything new.

You used second twice.

 

Anyway, back to buisness, what are we going to do with Ozy?

[Blaze1616 he/him]

Thanks again for the criticism. I'm swiftly learning that I need to create at least two drafts before posting anything new.

 

No problem.  And I think you're criticizing yourself too harshly. That's better than anything I'd spit out after five drafts.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

Like Blaze said, it WAS good. I genuinely liked it.

You used second twice.

Anyway, back to buisness, what are we going to do with Ozy?

Have him dish out some pain on Reader and be tragically shot by the firing squad for delivering some illegal karma?

...yeah, you're right. We need a better plan.

[Edgedancer he/him]

Like Blaze said, it WAS good. I genuinely liked it.

Have him dish out some pain on Reader and be tragically shot by the firing squad for delivering some illegal karma?

...yeah, you're right. We need a better plan.

And the firing squad wouldn't even work.

[Kobold King he/him]

You used second twice.

 

Calamity dang it.

 

 

No problem.  And I think you're criticizing yourself too harshly. That's better than anything I'd spit out after five drafts.

 

I doubt that, but thanks.

 

 

Have him dish out some pain on Reader and be tragically shot by the firing squad for delivering some illegal karma?

...yeah, you're right. We need a better plan.

 

Well, the Panda's going to deliver one final assault on the next game day before he leaves. Maybe Ozy could meet a hero's end helping to turn him back?

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles she/her]

And the firing squad wouldn't even work.

Which is why we need a better plan.

[Edgedancer he/him]

Well, the Panda's going to deliver one final assault on the next game day before he leaves. Maybe Ozy could meet a hero's end helping to turn him back?

He does have that obsession with getting rid of their fur.

[Comatose he/him]

It's a well written post. Granted the prose isn't as artistic as something like Rothfuss' but neither is Brandon's for example, so that's hardly a problem. If I had to pick one big problem for the post I'd say it's the discrepancy between what Euphoria/Leila should know and what she knows in the post. Most of all the deal about the weakness, not only knowing it instantly but the fact that all Epics have weaknesses wasn't even common knowledge after the lorists figured it out, which was years after Steelheart's rise to power. Similair to that the concept of Rendings is completely unknow, even to David, who may be the number one Epic expert, so she really shouldn't know the term and probably more confused about what happened to her just then.

 

Thanks!  I had no delusions of comparing myself to Rothfuss or Brandon, so no problems there.  As for Euphoria's knowledge, I'll try to make her more reactive, and be more careful of the terminology I'm using.  Edits should be up today or tomorrow, so thanks for the suggestions.  

 

Also, just a general thanks to everyone for indulging me.  I never want to be someone who needs constant affirmation, and I generally like to be pretty independent, but I really appreciated that some of you took time to share your thoughts with me.  Definitely made me feel better .  

 

So, I've been searching passages in Firefight for editing the Coppermind article for Obliteration and found another detail for our "awkward moments about Epic powers we'll probably just ignore" collection.

David to Megan talking about Prof's fight against Enforcment back in Steelheart:

I can think of at least two Epics with desintigration powers on the top of my head.

 

Anyway, who wants to throw around ideas for an Epic called Reverse Necromancer? It could be simply the opposite of raising the death and just letting people die instantly but that is more or less Deathpoint, I'm sure we can be more original than that.

 

David doesn't have files on every single epic, and we haven't seen Ozzy use his powers the same way Prof did.  I think having similar powers, and considering them rare, is fine, as long as they aren't so common place, or used by epics so well known, that David should have known about them.  

 

I am preparing for that possibility. I'm just really hoping that however the setting winds up "fundamentally altered" doesn't include retconning away everything that happened from the Steelheart prologue until now. Not only would it retcon everything we've written out of existence, but it would also render all of the characters' struggles throughout the series pointless. I don't doubt Brandon could pull it off, but it's an ending I usually only like when it makes sure things like Bret Rattner never happened. Reckoners isn't nearly terrible enough to make an ending like that truly satisfying, IMO.

Aaahhhhh I'm on my phone and can't post "mysterious pug" pictures!

 

This is actually a pretty big concern of mine, especially given Megan's powers to affect the world with alternate realities.  I'm hoping Brandon doesn't do it, and that if he does do it he somehow manages to pull it off, but the potential is definitely there.  

 

You used second twice.

 

Anyway, back to buisness, what are we going to do with Ozy?

 

We could also just have him be around, and then mention he died in the next Panda attack.  He's not too integral to the current Dalles plot (as far as I can see) so it shouldn't be hard to side line him, and then let him die off screen, or just keep living.

 

Ouch. Have you considered maybe drawing frogs, or something else that doesn't have fur?

 

 

In other news, allow me to post a brief tale about my character for this here RP.

 

Once upon a time, spinning 'round the center of our galaxy, was a tiny red star with an even smaller black planet following it in tow.

 

The star was an ancient star, small and red and cold. The planet was likewise ancient and small, but it was far from cold. From the sea came life, and that life flourished under the scarlet light. The plants grew black leaves to absorb the sunlight, and the creatures warmed themselves with thick fur coats. For hundreds of millions of years, the planet and the star spun around the galaxy in a stately cosmic waltz, with life on the little black planet growing smarter and smarter with each passing eon.

 

Eventually there came a day when a species from the black planet built fire, and then the wheel, and then finely crafted metals. The planet was ancient but the species was young and inquisitive. Their eyes turned to the star-filled sky with delight, and diligently they worked the earth and wrought from its soil an infant civilization.

 

Centuries passed, but still the species was a young one. They knew little of the universe and its marvels beyond their little black planet, but that did little to dampen their enthusiasm. Peaceful creatures, they built invention after invention for the sake of bettering each other's lives, building magnificent jewel-like cities and towers that reached all the way to the sky and beyond. They built telescopes and sub-space transmitters, and filled with child-like curiosity, they beamed messages into the universe in hopes of meeting compassionate creatures like themselves.

 

It is our shame to say that the galaxy was not kind in return. Hearing of the black planet's riches and technology, warships from across the stars flocked to the center of the galaxy bent on plunder. Cities were razed and continents were set aflame. Towers were toppled and ancient forests were burned to ash. The lucky denizens of the black planet died in their burning houses or in swift missile strikes. The unlucky were carted away in chains, their tears and sobs going unheard as the alien warships carted them further across the galaxy.

 

With their planet despoiled and their people violated, can we blame the species of the black planet for what they did next?

 

For the species of the black planet was craftier than any of the other races of the galaxy. In peace they were great artisans and the sculptors of great cities. But heartbroken and enraged, they set their minds on vengeance. All the sorrow they'd felt they channeled into an epic creation. All the heartbreak and all the pain their species had undergone at the hands of the universe found its way into the digital mind of a metal machine. All the anger and grief of an entire civilization was condensed into a single computer the likes of which the galaxy had ever known and has never known since. And that computer they installed in the most powerful vessel the galaxy had ever known and has never known since.

 

They named their creation Anguish.

 

The daughter of the black planet ascended into the heaven, and became aware of herself. She gazed upon her homeworld and felt a wrenching pain, her memory banks full of the sorrow her people felt. She looked at them and felt pity for them all.

 

Perhaps she saw her next action as an act of mercy, or acted out of some peculiar sense of gratitude. Perhaps it was what her creators had in mind for her. Whatever went on in her mind prompted her to activate her frontal kaon cannon. Turning to the world that gave her birth, she rained down a beam of charged particles that caused the entire planet to dissolve in a flash of fire. The black planet, home of the billion artisans, was washed away in a tide of red-hot dust, and blew away into the cosmos. With what we can only presume was a sob of sorrow broadcasted on every sub-space frequency, the machine called Anguish warped away from her system to the other end of the galaxy.

 

Thus began the Anguish War. The only war in galactic history fought not against a civilization, but against a single ship. Armadas were raised and deployed, only to be destroyed the instant they came against her. In her mechanical heart was a burning rage against creation, a fury that drove her to track down and exterminate each of the civilizations that did the black planet harm. She'd appear in the sky, transmit a list of those slain by her enemies, and would extinguish their planet in a glowing ray. Such was justice in the mind of the machine, but eventually her rage drove her to target any species that had ever waged war.

 

...Which was, sadly enough, nearly all of them.

 

Dozens of planets fell to Anguish, and then hundreds. Soon thousands of worlds had met their end. All the races of the galaxy, assembled from every quadrant, gathered and faced her at the Battle of Derja's Cloud. The battle cost millions of lives, but at the end, Anguish was adrift in space with barely any systems still intact. She tried to fire with kaon rays that had been torn off of her. She attempted to hack the surrounding ships' computers with transmitters long since destroyed in the battle.

 

Anguish was left powerless in the void, screaming in silent fury.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The storyteller finished the tale, watching the larvae with twinkling compound eyes. The larvae squirmed in irritation, until one finally worked up the nerve to ask the question they all wanted answered.

 

"What did they do to Anguish?" it belched loudly, its fellow maggots screeching in agreement. Each of them were practically bouncing in their cocoons out of a desire to hear the end of the story.

 

The storyteller fluttered his wings in amusement, before strumming his nyra-lyre in a soft melody.

 

"The Battle of Derja's Cloud was fought nearly eleven thousand years ago," he trilled soothingly. "The ballad I condensed for you now has survived mostly intact through the millennia, but the history itself is long lost. Some claim that Anguish was destroyed then and there. Others claim that her internal reactor was too dangerous to dispose of, and she was imprisoned in the heart of a dark star. And still others name her a myth, and that the worlds she destroyed perished of natural causes."

 

"This story is brain-dead," another larva piped up, contempt easily apparent in the way its frontal hair twitched. "If the black planet people could build something so terrible, why didn't they beat their invaders the first time?"

 

The storyteller responded with a buzzing chuckle. "You look at this as a Morelthian, young master worm. The species of the black planet were peaceable creatures. Before conquerors raped their world, war never even occurred to them. Or so the legends claim."

 

Bemused by the thought, several larvae squirted. "That's brain-dead. Everyone has war."

 

As if on cue, the Morelthian hive shook, the rumbles of explosions echoing from further down the halls. The Querlings were even more zealous than usual with their missile strikes.

 

Trilling softly to himself, the storyteller packed up the nyra-lyre and began hovering out of the room.

 

"I hope you enjoyed your story," he told the unruly white larvae. "Truly, I do. Your elders did well by bringing me here. But how, it is time for me to leave this hive."

 

"You can't leave," one of the worms squelched in horror. "It's warring out there."

 

"I've survived my share of warrings," the storyteller replied, giving a conspiratorial nod with his antenna. "I'll be fine."

 

With a hooked appendage he flipped a switch and turned off the light, prompting each larva to pass off to sleep instantaneously.

 

"Sleep well," he clicked in a whisper. "And dream of the peace yet to come."

 

His wings buzzed and the door closed, and the storyteller was gone.

 

 

 

One vague idea I had was that the crew of the Federation ship, with all the other players on board, could possibly stumble across Anguish's prison and wind up releasing her somehow. Of course, that's all up to Lark and anyone else who's playing a Federation character.

 

I was also considering making the Morelthian storyteller a minor character with occasional PoVs.

I liked the story. I definitely think it had the story-teller feel you seem to have been going for, and I liked when you had some of the listeners call the story teller out on some of the inconsistencies. Even if it has been done other ways by other people, I really like the idea of Anguish as a whole, and of her floating somewhere in space, spending millenia raging against the enemies of her creators. As someone who has written about plenty of derivative ideas, I'd say don't sweat the similarities. Even if other people have done the ideas before, the writing is still you, and you are still making it your own, and that's something to be proud of.