20130325 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapter 12

[Mandamon he/him]

Here is chapter 12 of The Seeds of Dissolution.

Previously:
-Origon flew a capsule to the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji.
-Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt.  He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether.
-Sam learned about the Nether and the city of the Imperium, Origon took him to see the Council, and Councilor Rilan determined that she and Sam are the same species.
-Rilan meets her new apprentice and Sam learns how little the ten species know about space and the universe.
-A crisis is brewing, with some members of the Assembly wanting to secede.  Meanwhile, Sam is left with Enos, and has to figure out how to talk to girls.
-In the Assembly, a witness to the Aridori testifies, while Sam learns more about Enos.


I'm looking for the same stuff as always: character development and interaction, worldbuilding, pacing, learning curve, and any confusion with words.

Thanks!

[yankorro]

Hi there, though I'd reach back in the files and give a look at this one, since I'd been reading almost all of it up to this point (plus I noticed that it must have come in during one of those little lulls that sometimes happens...)

 

I had to go back and reread Chap 11 because I was really lost at first in the scene with the Assembly. After re-reading it I still had trouble with it, as there is a bit of saturation with names of races and characters (to my feeble mind, at least).

 

In the first part of the chapter, in fact in the first paragraphs we have references to "Feldo" and "Bofan A'Tosh", then a little while later "Veshtin", and then "Scintien Nectiset" and "Rabata Humbano", then Councilor Freshta, all the space of a couple manuscript pages. Really steep learning curve here. I think some of these character references (the ones that don't directly intervene in the action) could be elided to help--I get the sense that all the namedropping is meant to help establish the POV with Rilan, and to hint at other political relations and implications.

 

But I see it as a bit excessive...at least for me. With the amount of political intrigue already out on the table (the Sathssn secession, the putative Suseriaj massacre, Methiemum assassination plot, Ori and his drains) there's a lot to process I think, without further burdening the info-load with the more subtle kinds of backroom intrigue (which you hint at rather elegantly in merely describing the gestures and glances about the room..that may be enough actually to get that across, I dunno).

 

That's about all I have, notewise. You seem to be following a sort of scene-sequel format with this chapter, and the second part works pretty well. I will just point out a couple of bits of Sam's POV that are a bit 'on-the-nose' I think:

 

>>"Sam was still trying to get an idea of the technology the ten species had."  I think you can communicate that without spelling it out so much, something like "It struck him as kind of funny that in such a technologically advanced society they still had something as primitive as a book" (or something)

 

>>Sam glanced significantly at Enos, who regarded him impassively.  (I would lose the first of these -ly adverbs)

 

Oh, and one from the beginning that I didn't understand exactly:

 

>>...and he glibly answering. He sounded terrified.   Which is it? If he's being glib, that implies a certain lassitude on his part, right? Spell out the way he sounds terrified. A telltale trembling in his voice? A tense intonation at the ends of phrases? Some little cue like that, instead of "sounded terrified". (Just a suggestion!)

 

Again, nice work, take all suggestions with a grain of salt, etc. Cheers!

~NMW

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback!  Yes, I think this landed in a lull, and then there's been a number of new readers.  There is a steep learning curve to this, so I didn't want to post another chapter and just have everyone confused.

 

Good points, all.  I knew this chapter was heavy on the namedropping and intrigue, but I'll cut it down some more during edits.  It was more to show all the various different agendas going on, but it looks like I've got that across already.  Thanks for the points on subtlety vs. spelling out.  I'll look for that as I write.

Glad you recognized the scene/sequel format.  I outlined the story following that format and I think it's helped my plotting immensly.

 

Yes, more "ly" adverbs...those darn things creep in (unnaccountably? maliciously? silently?) when I'm not looking.

 

I can post more if everyone's interested (I'm up to ch 23 now), but didn't want to overburned the new readers with all the backstory.  It's hitting the main storyline at this point, and it's sort of neccessary to know what happened in the past to figure out what's going on.

[AdolinsGirloftheWeek she/her]

^ Any chance you could re-send the first 12 chapters? I'm curious about the story, but I'd prefer to look through the earlier sections than get a backstory breakdown.

[Mandamon he/him]

^ Any chance you could re-send the first 12 chapters? I'm curious about the story, but I'd prefer to look through the earlier sections than get a backstory breakdown.

 

Sure.  Send me a PM with your email and I'll send it out.

[cetriya she/her]

same here, if you could send me the previous chapters to, cetriya @yahoo.com

[cjhuitt he/him]

Some notes as I was reading:

 

 

Does the rule of character conservation in stories mean that the sharp traders that caught the sterilization agents were Enos’ family?

 

“At the knock of a runner at her elbow?”  The runners were knocking?  And would one interrupt a speaker in the middle of asking a question?

 

Why would Vethis spotlight Rilan in his question/speech if they hate each other?  Also, really, a lisp sounds sophisticated?

 

“Vethis had already defeated her with two sentences.”  He hasn’t defeated her, yet.  He has just ensured that he wouldn’t be silenced, which is different, as Rilan goes on to get reader to fight him with logic instead.

 

Why would the Maji avoid Sam’s question about more than 10 species?  Don’t we (and everybody else) know about the Aridori also?