Mar 4 - little wilson - Crashers - Chapter 4

[little wilson she/her]

Once again, thanks for reading and any help you can give me with it.

Note for Mandamon (and any others who were irritated by my lack of characterization/descriptions): I really tried to work on my characterization and descriptions more in this chapter. Not sure how well I did, all things considered. It was a little tough with the plot being what it is at this point in the story. If you could, let me know how I did (although I'm sure you don't need that encouragement. You probably would anyway). I'm very curious.

[Mandamon he/him]

Uh oh--now I'm getting called out!

I thought this chapter was better, mainly because it was more action oriented than character. Here's what I saw:

Pg 2: "If that guy can ‘port anywhere, he could already be at my house."

-I was asking myself this very questions, and expecting him to pop up on the subway or something. But since you brought it up, now I'm wondering if he knows where she lives, or why Emily thinks he would be able to appear in her house?

Pg 3: “You have a Power. You gained access to it on your birthday.”

-interesting...so is this a power that is given to someone? If it's hereditary, I don't know why it would show up on a birthday particularly. It would show up within a couple years, but nothing specific.

Pg 3: Chris seems very well connected with the World Order...

Pg 5: "He looked about 25."

-It's hard to judge ages that accurately. You might say "he looked like he was in his mid-twenties," or something like that.

Pg 6: "had the same blonde hair and 5’11’’ height, and looked about 19 as well"

-You do this here and a little later on. Don't give exact heights or ages. It's all but impossible to tell that on casual inspection. Talk in generalities--taller, shorter, mid-twenties, under twenty, older, etc. It's enough for people to get the idea. But this does provide some better tags for a group of people. Some authors give nicknames to new characters, just to smooth introductions (especially if they are one-off or minor characters). For example the woman stands out, and then the four men Emily could nickname "Not-Rem," "Old," "Black Hair," and "Red Hair." Then when you talk about them in the midst of action, they stand out (see note below on action)

Pg6: "and Emily wasn’t sure Rem even knew what ‘proud’ meant."

-Huh? Not sure what this meant. Is Rem stupid? Humble?

Pg7: The fight scene is unclear. I'm not sure who's doing what to whom. There's a lot of names flying around, and you address it blow-by-blow. This gives a lot of information to the reader, and is very jerky because it's a lot of short sentences. You could add some generalities (while Nick and Red Hair fought, I did X that was very heroic...).

Pg8: "Rem’s identical twin"

-Are you giving this as a nickname, or telling us who he is? Because from Emily's POV, she wouldn't know this (or at least wouldn't really figure this out in the midst of being kidnapped)

OK, as I said, I liked this chapter better. It's got some action, and some movement from the antagonists. Looks like Emily might find out more about her Power next time!

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mandamon

[yankorro]

Hello, little wilson!

This is my first look at this story. The synopsis was thorough enough that I understood the idea: girl discovers mysterious new power, etc. The particulars of the world-building aren't exactly clear to me, but that's not hugely important at this point.

I also like the pacing and action and the prose in general--especially the first scene--but I noticed a few of the same things that Mandamon mentioned as well. Standard disclaimers apply: just my opinion, grain of salt, etc.

a) having not read the earlier chapters, I don't know much about this Chris character, but he comes off as sort of bland on the page, meaning I don't get much of a feel for his personality from his dialogue. He just seems to be spouting exposition for the reader. Which isn't a bad thing, but if his voice were a little more distinctive, it would help disguise that. Also, is it kind of a handy coincidence that this girl who happens to have these powers happens to have a neighbor with connections to the World Order? (maybe you explain this later?)

ditto what Mandamon with the physical descriptions (less statistical, more general="tall or short or medium height" rather than "6'4", 5'8""), and the names. The fight scene is kind of murky, it's hard to tell who's doing what to whom. Maybe make it not so blow-by-blow. Sometimes it's a lot clearer to say "They struggled..." and then when you have something really cool, like people floating up in the air and flying backwards, describe that more in detail and bring that out.

Anyway, it looks like you have a peppy, action-packed story going here, so Ill be curious to see what happens next!

Cheers

~NMW

[little wilson she/her]

First, thank you both. Your comments will definitely help. Especially with the fight scene. That scene was irritating me, for a few different reasons, but the tags and such will fix most of those issues that were bugging me before.

 

I'll work on giving Chris a little more personality in that part. And since both of you commented on his connections, I know I've already said he works for the Coalition, and has for over 30 years, but the more detailed version of his background is that he was an officer for 20 years, and then he started working directly under the Coalition. He still keeps up with the World Order, particularly the officers in the New York area. As for it being a coincidence that he's Emily's neighbor. Some of it's explained later, some of it's already been explained a bit, and some of it doesn't get explained, because those particular details aren't really relevant.

 

Mandamon, you make some good points. And you're asking some good questions, all of which I'm not going to answer. Because most of them will be answered fairly soon. Also, I wasn't trying to call you out. I was more just letting you know I was working on what you've been trying to get me to do. I think that attempt will be clearer next chapter. There's a little less action and a little more character, and a little more exposition on the powers....

 

NM...Your comment about the background got me thinking. I didn't explain that much in the summary, but there are some important background elements that you'll need to know that have already been revealed. I'll do a quick sum-up right now for you. And anyone else who wants it.

 

The setting is 300 years in the future. The world is run by one government, called The Coalition. The Coalition had a science and technology program for scientists. These scientist created a bunch of different technologies, including weather control, teleportation, and some basic precognition. They stored all of these techs in over 30 Tech Centers around the world. These Centers then distributed the tech from there. Other scientists not with the program created other stuff, but a lot of them incorporated a bit of this tech--particularly the teleportation. The 'porting could be used in many ways, and it was very cheap. 10 years ago, a terrorist group destroyed all of the Centers, and all of the scientists involved in the program disappeared. All on the same night. Then the technology crashed. The terrorists are now called the Crashers, that day is referred to as the Crash, and all the old Tech Center sites are Crash Sites.....

 

That should help a bit. The Crashers are very big element to the story (obviously, since the title is "Crashers" )