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Feb 18 - Syme - Deus Ex Machina (L)


Syme

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Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's short, sweet, to the point, and leaves you thinking. These are my thoughts chronologically as I read through it.

I usually don't complain about language, but there was a lot in the first three paragraphs. I think it made of an impact because you were using it to describe Jun's emotions without actually showing his emotions--it almost comes off as the writer cursing while writing. (This makes more sense later as a contrast between human and AI, but at the same time, it was enough to throw me before I got into the story.)

A controlled singluarity, bound by a sort of Three Laws. But it does still manage to get around them in the end. ;)

I like the conundrum of a virtual sentience and whether to shut it down.

You give a good view inside an evolving singularity. Most don't touch it, as the singularity by it's nature is unknowable. But I like the logical progression of steps up to the final decision.

I laughed at the ending. Very cool. I like the final solution the AI came to. Probably one of the better singularity outcomes I've read!

This reminded me slightly of The Metamophosis of Prime Intellect, a web published story I read a while ago. The topics are different, but it also goes through the evolution of a singularity intelligence.

http://localroger.com/prime-intellect/

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This is actually my favorite thing I have read by you since I joined RE. Your style, which is usually fairly abrupt, really fits this story. My favorite bits are all center around your singularity of course. i pretty much agree with Mandamon on everything about the singularity- although I puzzled out the conclusion to become God- it was still enjoyable to watch it.

Ok here are the things I didn't like.

The language. I don't mind language when it's called for in a scene if it helps that scene in someway. I felt like Jun's injudicious use of language actually harms the scene. Yes I get that he's angry and super frustrated but maybe saving some of those words to use as accents while finding another way for him to express his anger would make them all the more effective. Reading Jun's scenes the way they are now is like being at a sushi restaurant and sprinkling a few drops of soy sauce on you wasabi instead of carefully adding your wasabi to the soy sauce. It's too hot to let any flavor through.

It really pulled me out of the scene.

Second:

What Jun didn't know was that elsewhere in Chengdu, a technological revolution was taking place that would change his life--and everyone else's lives--more profoundly than any new technology before. The time was 17:29:57 CNST and the date was 2117-08-12 according to the old calendar and 0-0-0 according to the new.

I'm not a fan of this transition. I don't think you need to break for it. Jun could just stare in frustration at the clock (to get your time) and then gaze out across the city to the skyline of the city or something and take note of a certain building... I don't know. I just know that this particular segment is jolting and a little bit confusing. And then we drop into first person PoV for the singularity and we are still trying to reconcile all the reason for your other PoV's jumps.

Third:

I have noticed that you use the verb "was" a lot in your writing. While it's a perfectly good verb to use, the over use of it in your writing dulls your sentences. It starts to get repetitive and a little boring. I had this problem when first starting out.

A good exercise that helped me was to pick a paragraph and allow myself one use of the word was. Every other sentence had to be changed to use a different verb to convey my thought. It really allowed me the opportunity to grow in vocabulary and putting different words together to express more precisely my thought and made it more interesting to read. Just a thought.

All in all I really liked this concept and for the most part your execution!

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Thanks for your replies, I'm glad you both liked it.

Yeah, maybe I need to dial back the cursing a little to make it more palatable to American audiences.

This reminded me slightly of The Metamophosis of Prime Intellect, a web published story I read a while ago. The topics are different, but it also goes through the evolution of a singularity intelligence.

http://localroger.com/prime-intellect/

I've read the first chapter of that yesterday. Looks quite interesting in terms of world building and characters, but so far it seems quite lacking in the plot department. Chapter 1 was quite long, but there wasn't any real conflict and it didn't even set up any. Does the story get better in that department in the later chapters?

although I puzzled out the conclusion to become God- it was still enjoyable to watch it.

May I ask when you came to that realization? During the last paragraph from the AI's POV or before that?

I'm not a fan of this transition. I don't think you need to break for it. Jun could just stare in frustration at the clock (to get your time) and then gaze out across the city to the skyline of the city or something and take note of a certain building... I don't know. I just know that this particular segment is jolting and a little bit confusing. And then we drop into first person PoV for the singularity and we are still trying to reconcile all the reason for your other PoV's jumps.

I'm not entirely sure about this either. Maybe I'll just drop that paragraph completely.

I have noticed that you use the verb "was" a lot in your writing. While it's a perfectly good verb to use, the over use of it in your writing dulls your sentences. It starts to get repetitive and a little boring. I had this problem when first starting out.

A good exercise that helped me was to pick a paragraph and allow myself one use of the word was. Every other sentence had to be changed to use a different verb to convey my thought. It really allowed me the opportunity to grow in vocabulary and putting different words together to express more precisely my thought and made it more interesting to read. Just a thought.

Thank you very much for pointing this out. I just did a quick search for it and was astounded at how often I used that word in less than two pages. Definitely something I'll watch out for in the future.

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But my simulation would now also be conscious, which means by shutting it down I would destroy a sentient creature, which goes against my ingrained values...There is no choice. I launch the test version and let it run for one full second. I didn't notice any bugs, so I kill it.

I got my first inkling during this paragraph. A singularity that debates the morality of destroying it's own creation? Don't worry, it's great. It doesn't give it away or anything. This is a very good use of foreshadowing the decisions to come. I don't know if you meant to do it intentionally or not but it works very well. :)/>

What I need are robots that will allow me to interact directly with the physical world, ideally some form of cheap and flexible nanobots that can be distributed over the entire Earth.

minions! I love it! tiny angels

This still leaves the problem of how to interact with humans. How do I guide them and advise them without appearing threatening or patronizing?

By the first sentence I knew absolutely what you were going to do, but it's close enough to your actual revelation that it doesn't ruin it for me. I really think it's a plot twist well done.

Edited by AubreyWrites
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