20130218 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Chapters 7&8

[Mandamon he/him]

Here are chapters 7 and 8 of The Seeds of Dissolution, following Sam and Origon through a city of the Nether

Previously Origon has flown a capsule the Methiemum moon, discovered a strange aberration that defies natural law, and reported back to the ruling members of Methiem and to his friend Rilan, on the Council of the Maji. Sam, living on Earth, escaped a strange energy-sucking coldness, but was unable to save his aunt. He escaped through the hole in the fireplace of his house, and met up with Origon in the Nether.

As always, I'm looking for critique on character development, worldbuilding, and pacing. I'm also interested in these two chapters if there are any problems with the learning curve or with new words.

Thanks!

[AubreyWrites she/her]

I don't really have any criticism for these two chapters.

I really thoroughly enjoyed them. Nothing really pulled me out of the scene. I enjoyed Origon's pomposity and the fact that while he is incredibly intelligent he's so obtuse. Rilan is more interesting to me now. I really like Sam- although I still think he should be having a little bit more trouble with his agoraphobia and the fact that he's on a completely different planet-inside a living organism-type thing... with aliens running around... when he hasn't spent much time around anyone so mundane as 'humans' of late.

Kudos to "Mandamon's" cameo

I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!

[Mandamon he/him]

Kudos to "Mandamon's" cameo

I was waiting for someone to mention that . It's not technically a Mary Sue (in my mind) because I took the screen name a long time ago back in the very first draft of this story. Back then, Mandamon was a throwaway character that died offscreen to transmit some information. I thought the name was safe to use. Somehow he wormed his way back in to being a member of the Council!

[yankorro]

Howdy!

I had fun reading through this, it's an interesting set-up you have here.

Story-wise, the walkthrough of the Nether in Chapter 7 works, giving you the author a chance to explain (through Origon) the storyworld a bit. Although I have one nitpicky question, if the Nether makes it so everyone can talk and understand each other, why does Origon have that weird tic of using present continuous verbs in awkward places? Wouldn't the Nether make him just naturally speak proper English? (sorry I teach ESL, these things bother me

There are some nice bits of description of the city and its architechture, but some of the blocking (who was where when they did what they did) could use some streamlining, for example

>>Sam finally caught up, most of the way across the square he had seen from the alley, and still had to jog a step every once in a while to keep pace.

It just seems like a lot of verbiage to communicate something that could perhaps be expressed more simply (kind of like this sentence!).

Also, one minor suggestion, I would probably lose the last sentence of Chapter 7 and just end on: "They turned onto the last bridge, one Sam had seen from his first viewpoint. Ahead, it vanished into the Spire of the Maji." Just me, though.

Chapter 8 has a steep learning curve of characters introduced one after the other, with lots of attendant description. I would be wary of trying to describe each member of the council in too much detail, and you rightly avoid it. But in the case of the Pixie it was a little confusing. You give her dialogue with a tag and some background information. In my mind I have to sketch in some kind of face for her. Then next you give us a physical description and I have to rethink my whole image of the character. A little confusing. I'd work in the information about the appearance before the background, I think it works better cognitively that way.

In general I like how you are answering questions and raising new ones. Looking forward to the next installment!

~NMW

[Mandamon he/him]

why does Origon have that weird tic of using present continuous verbs in awkward places? Wouldn't the Nether make him just naturally speak proper English? (sorry I teach ESL, these things bother me

This (hopefully) should become apparent as the reader goes through the book. Each species has their own certain "tic" both to identify that they are alien and help me get across who's talking, quickly. The Kirian species has one of the most apparent, though there were two others introduced in chapter 8. I welcome more feedback on whether this works or not!

Thanks for the other comments--good suggestions. I'll note those and try to rectify in the first edit.

[Syme]

Another two good set up/transition chapters.

I haven't researched this in any way, so I may be completely off here, but I don't quite buy how easily Sam is dealing with his agoraphobia. I don't believe that being technically inside would be enough in a large city for someone who previously hadn't left his house for years.

I'm a bit confused by the ending of the second chapter. I'm not entirely sure what Origon is oblivious of. Not sure if that's intentional.

Good work overall and I look forward to reading the next chapter.

[Mandamon he/him]

I haven't researched this in any way, so I may be completely off here, but I don't quite buy how easily Sam is dealing with his agoraphobia. I don't believe that being technically inside would be enough in a large city for someone who previously hadn't left his house for years.

There were a couple comments on this. It's been bugging me too as I write, and I think it's something I'll need to accentuate as I do edits. I did some research on agoraphobia, and originally planned for Sam to only be a little affected, but if he was cooped up in the house for ten years, that doesn't really mesh. I think both this and the trouble with alien will need some more focus.

[cjhuitt he/him]

I enjoy the epigraph on this one.

 

Interestingly enough, there is a bit more description of the city and the other surroundings in this one.  It’s still mostly visual, though (even in the rewritten edition I read later).

 

I thought Sam recovered from his agoraphobia and also his fear of the Nether being telepathic too easily.  I see in the later edit you've improved the agoraphobia, but the fear of something messing with his mind... and then to only shrug it off?