Feb 11 - Syme - A Silver Lining

[Syme]

Let me know what you think.

[Mandamon]

I think pacing-wise this story flows a little better than some of your others. I didn't really find anything wrong with the plotting (except for one place), and the story held some interest in the twists and turns. Overall, it's solid, and I like the ancient Greek setting.

A couple of overall issues with the story:

on page 5 and 6, Arash's discovery of his powers is a little stilted. I know this is a short story, but it seems a quick transition between "I can't magic this rock" and "hey I can make it lighter and heavier." You do have him develop over time, which is good, but maybe stretch some of the original discovery along that timeline?

On page 9, I wasn't convinced by Zenon's theft. How did he steal from a rich man when they're kept as slaves? I assume they are watched fairly closely if they are given body cavity searches every day. So then you tell me he stole from the owner of the mine, who lives at the mine, and I can't believe that all the slaves wouldn't know his face, or at least that a rich man wandering around is probably pretty close to the top of the hierarchy. If I was one of the overseers, I wouldn't let any of the workers near him. Plus, he was seen and they didn't chase after him immediately? I think this is the weakest part of the plot.

Page 10 is the first we see of what an argyrant can do. How far away can the silver be and he still affect it? can he still make it heavy enough that far away from his body to embed it in flesh? It's your magic system, of course, but I think the questions are raised because you switch very quickly from making silver heavier and lighter to manipulating weight by orders of magnitude far away from Arash's person.

Also, I've got "Coinshot" running through my head--accentuated since Sanderson purposefully didn't use silver as a metal in Mistborn. Giving shocks is different, but the rest does carry a lot of similarity.

Last, I notice most of your short stories seem to end badly for the protagonist. Just saying...

Overall I liked it, and I think with some cleanup this could be a good short story.

[AubreyWrites]

while i like this story better than some of the others I will say I still had kind of a hard time getting into it. The concept was fine (i do see where Mandamon picked up a vaguely mistborn-esque feel)

I know this is a short story but I feel like the style of of writing is still too abrupt. The transitions don't feel smooth and he goes from "wow' what's happening to me" to "i have awesome powers!" too quickly.

Also I am a fan of historical fiction and it jarred me out of the story when history didn't add up. I think perhaps you might need to do a little bit more research if you truly want it to have a more authentic feel.

The concept is not bad - and like Mandamon said, with some good polishing could probably be a good story.

[Syme]

Thanks for your comments, I'll take them under advisement.

As for feeling too much like Mistborn, I can see where you're coming from. I did set out to write a story with a clear rule-based magic system. I've read and enjoyed all the Mistborn books and I'm obviously influenced by them on some level, but at the same time, Brandon Sanderson doesn't have a patent on rule-based magic systems and none of the abilities described here appear in Mistborn. The only real similarity is that both magic systems use metals.

As for the choice of silver, that had nothing to do with Mistborn. I wanted to write about the Laurium mines since I stumbled across them in my research for my novel and silver was the most important output of Laurium, so it was a natural choice to base my magic system on it.

Also I am a fan of historical fiction and it jarred me out of the story when history didn't add up. I think perhaps you might need to do a little bit more research if you truly want it to have a more authentic feel.

Can you elaborate on that? What in particular struck you as wrong?

[Mandamon]

Brandon Sanderson doesn't have a patent on rule-based magic systems and none of the abilities described here appear in Mistborn. The only real similarity is that both magic systems use metals.

Agreed. I would love to see more rule based systems. I just meant that end result--throwing coins made of metal to turn them into small projectile weapons--is the same action as used in Mistborn. Whether the principles underneath are the same or not, readers familiar with Mistborn are going to pick up on that.

[AubreyWrites]

AubreyWrites, on 15 February 2013 - 04:12 PM, said:

Also I am a fan of historical fiction and it jarred me out of the story when history didn't add up. I think perhaps you might need to do a little bit more research if you truly want it to have a more authentic feel.

Can you elaborate on that? What in particular struck you as wrong?

sorry it took me so long to reply to your question.

ok, the first thing that struck me is the lack of detail. I know it's a short but but using a few specific details that are unique to Greece (Laurium in particular) will really help solidify your location. you speak of 'low hanging galleries' and 'barracks' but honestly that could be set pretty much anywhere. There's nothing really grecian about the story other than the names.

The other thing is the use of contractions. Contractions are a 20th century thing.

The armoury was filled with weapons of all sorts. Two of the walls were hung with a variety of shields, mostly the large round hoplons that the Greeks favoured for fighting in phalanx. The other two were hung with swords. The centre of the room was filled with racks holding armour, various kinds of spears, javelins and bows. There were even some maces and axes, which Greek soldiers did not usually use.

You kinda fall out of PoV here. He was a soldier so why would he stop referring to what he himself used in battle and revert back to what "Greeks" use. It feels a little generic.

A really good example of historical fiction is Naomi Novik's In Her Majesty's Service. It's set during the Napoleonic Wars and follows a British Officer...but there are dragons in this universe-domesticated and used for battle. Her use of detail and writing style are so authentic that it makes you think "wow, this could really have been an alternate history....if we had dragons of course."

Check it out if you have time.

[Syme]

sorry it took me so long to reply to your question.

ok, the first thing that struck me is the lack of detail. I know it's a short but but using a few specific details that are unique to Greece (Laurium in particular) will really help solidify your location. you speak of 'low hanging galleries' and 'barracks' but honestly that could be set pretty much anywhere. There's nothing really grecian about the story other than the names.

You've got me on this one. There is indeed a lack of setting detail and that's something I'll address in my revision.

The other thing is the use of contractions. Contractions are a 20th century thing.

That's an urban myth. Contractions have always been used in English all the way back to Old English (though they aren't as easy to make out there because back then the omitted letters - or runes to be more precise - weren't marked with apostrophes). As an example of contractions in early Modern English you can pick up some Shakespeare, which absolutely abounds in contractions. Back then there were even many contractions in use that we no longer use today, such as ones with the "i" from "it" disappearing as in 'tis, 'twere, for't.

Aside from this, of course none of my characters speak English so what you read in the story can be thought of as a translation into current day English. I do try to create a historical feeling and avoid any new words and words that are very particular to a certain dialect or culture, but at the end of the day it's still modern English because anything else wouldn't be understood by modern audiences (and I couldn't write it either ).

You kinda fall out of PoV here. He was a soldier so why would he stop referring to what he himself used in battle and revert back to what "Greeks" use. It feels a little generic.

Actually he isn't Greek.

A really good example of historical fiction is Naomi Novik's In Her Majesty's Service. It's set during the Napoleonic Wars and follows a British Officer...but there are dragons in this universe-domesticated and used for battle. Her use of detail and writing style are so authentic that it makes you think "wow, this could really have been an alternate history....if we had dragons of course."

Check it out if you have time.

I'm not really a fan of dragons, but I will check it out if I run out of stuff to read (which is unlikely^^).