Reading Excuses - 051115 - supersoup - Glass Skies, Ch. 2

[supersoup he/him]

I messed up and left the date in the e-mail the same as last weeks. My bad for copy/pasting without double checking after I changed the chapter number.

 

Glass Skies Prologue and Ch. 1:

Pendiwille and Devoleane, old friends and apprentices at the prestigious Academy of Sciences, are shocked to discover that a new "aerland" (one of a floating chain of islands, just off the eastern coast of the Kingdom of Laendelwen) has appeared overnight. Even the scientific curiosity of a new discovery can't force romance from the young duo's minds, as they attempt to secure a companion for Pendiwille's first visit to the Grand Ball.
 

Rendevere and Lianye, two travelers from elsewhere in the Kingdom, take note of the new aerland's appearance as well, but Lianye sees it as a herald of something greater. Unswayed from her mission, she and her friend carry on toward the capital city of Laendelvae.
 

Enter Ch. 2, in which we follow Rendevere and Lianye as they make their way into the city.
 

Fun Fact:

As with most fantasy novels, I started work on this story nearly three years ago. One of the earlier iterations centered on a youth from one of the villages on the outskirts of the Kingdom. The King used to be an Emperor, and he was originally intended to be the primary antagonist. This particular iteration didn't get too far, but one of the Emperor/King's scenes returns with only moderate modification in Ch. 4 of this iteration.

 

(I want to try adding Fun Facts to my submissions. Let me know if it's something you're interested in seeing more of.)

[Mandamon he/him]

This section was well written, but I wasn't really sure what was going on.  I had to look back to make sure these were the same folks as in the prologue (the perils of reading week to week), but I don't think you said then what they were doing, either.  In fact, in the above writeup, you mention "her mission" as well, but don't really elaborate.

 

You write these characters like you are familiar with them, which is good, but the readers are not yet.  I feel like I missed some setup about who they are and what they are doing.  How did they meet?  Where are they going?  As an example, the guards are almost too awed by Rendevere, I think because I don't know him as a character yet.  It's almost suspicious how much they fawn over him.  I was also unsure why the two wanted to start a fight with the men at the inn.  Are they being followed?  Are they trying to attract attention?

 

Right now, I'm a lot more interested in Pen and Dev, simply because I have a better idea of what their likes and goals are.

 

I'm still interested in this, and want to see what comes next, but I would be more intrigued by a better indication of what the overarching goal is, at least for these folks.

 

 

Oh, and I'm always up for fun facts.  I might try doing that as well!

[supersoup he/him]

 

This section was well written, but I wasn't really sure what was going on.  I had to look back to make sure these were the same folks as in the prologue (the perils of reading week to week), but I don't think you said then what they were doing, either.  In fact, in the above writeup, you mention "her mission" as well, but don't really elaborate.

 

You write these characters like you are familiar with them, which is good, but the readers are not yet.  I feel like I missed some setup about who they are and what they are doing.  How did they meet?  Where are they going?  As an example, the guards are almost too awed by Rendevere, I think because I don't know him as a character yet.  It's almost suspicious how much they fawn over him.  I was also unsure why the two wanted to start a fight with the men at the inn.  Are they being followed?  Are they trying to attract attention?

 

Right now, I'm a lot more interested in Pen and Dev, simply because I have a better idea of what their likes and goals are.

 

I'm still interested in this, and want to see what comes next, but I would be more intrigued by a better indication of what the overarching goal is, at least for these folks.

 

 

Oh, and I'm always up for fun facts.  I might try doing that as well!

 

 

-It was deliberately omniscient of me to reference "her mission" in the recap above. Other than their desire to get back into the city, coupled with Lianye's comment that it's dangerous for her to be there, her overarching scheme is a bit of a slow burn. You didn't miss anything with regard to it or them. There a much clearer picture of her mission within the next chapter, although Lianye's still figuring out the specifics herself.

 

-How Rendevere and Lianye met is also a bit of character development I intend to reserve until later in the story. Whether I execute it properly or not, I try to show and not tell. I hint at Rendevere's backstory with the comments from the guards, but most of the bits and pieces won't be expressly stated until they're appropriate. As for the fight at the end, I'm not 100% satisfied with the way it turned out either. I wanted to offer some action, as I have plenty of exposition to go around in the early chapters. Give the two of them a chance to show off their abilities--though they come from disparate backgrounds, they both know how to throw down.

 

 

“Before we retire, we may have to make a show of force,” Lianye said. “Best if we seem unworthy of the trouble.”

 

 

Rendevere even chides her a bit after the fact to point out that it's going to net them some attention. But I feel like I did a poor job of setting that whole scene up, anyways. Any suggestions? 

 

The serial format can certainly be a harsh environment for subtlety. Many of my big revelations are paced with the intention of the reader having the completed work in their hands. It's a tough tightrope to balance upon--revealing enough while holding some cards close to the chest. If I really fumble some key bit of info though, I would love to get some perspectives on how to improve the pace of the plot development.

Edited May 11, 2015 by supersoup

[Valthyr he/him]

I haven't read the first chapter, but from what I gather about the aerlands, I'm loving the idea!

I think Rendevere and Lianye work really well together, as in they seem different enough from each other and yet still manage to find a common language that makes them the unlikely "friends" that they are. The hints at Rendevere's debt coupled with the way the guards reacted and the small bits of information of him being a war hero raise interesting questions, the kind that make for a good story and character arc.

I feel like you've set up a really interesting and engaging world - there aren't any long description-y bits, yet I'm getting a really clear picture (I can almost see most of the world you describe, really cinematic bits) just because you've given relevant information in interesting ways (for example the way you describe the castle and make it work with Lianye's thoughts about the feast there - it gives a reason for you to describe that part of the city and make it feel pertinent). Other things like the pistol (goody!) and yet the old-timey fantasy feel make the world original, not to mention the freaking aerlands which I can feel looming in the back of my head at all times (they're one of the main things that make me read on). 

The first real conversation Rendevere and Lianye have is really, really good (same goes for the conversation with the innkeeper), but this is smooth and shows how the two click well and at the same time have this gap between them. Rend blushing in the inn when the barkeep mentions two beds is either a really good bit (given he's seen men die and he's been in combat and in all sorts of grim situations) or it's not that great and is confusing about the character - it depends on the way you develop it further. 

The only thing that kind of drew my attention in the writing is something in the dialogue -

" “My apologies,” Rendevere said. " 

And at certain parts during the conversation with the innkeeper (which as I said feel really well handled), you don't need to tell us who said it. Most times when it's something like "he conceded" or "chimed in" it's okay, but "said" is unnecessary mostly, especially when we know who's talking already.

Overall this is awesome fantasy and I definitely want to read more! I was wondering since I joined the forum a couple of days ago and I missed last week's submissions, could you send me the first chapter, I read a lot about it and I really want to read about the two scientists (yey magic-science!). Keep up the good work!

 

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Good job building the suspense in the first couple paragraphs. It makes us wonder what Rendevere and Lyliane's mission is.

 

- Some of Rend's dialogue seems a bit overly complicated. I'm not sure if this is an intentional part of the character or not, but it doesn't have the same familiarity as the dialogue in the previous chapter. For example, "“I certainly possess a weakness for the cause of lesser odds when choosing sides for a quest.” could be boiled down to "I certainly having a weakness for the losing side." 

 

- I liked the entire scene with Kaeve. 

 

- Would the thug be confused by a look of determination by a woman he's attacking? I think something more along the lines of a look of confidence, or even a look of boredom might be better.

 

-Overall, this was a good chapter, and so far I'm really liking where this is going. 

[Mr. Wednesday he/him]

-I really like this chapter. The switch in viewpoints immediately gives it a nice epic scope. I'm really interested to see how the new aerland affects the world beyond Pen and Dev. The writing flows nicely, and for the most part I was actually so immersed in the story that I didn't notice the structure or technique overall, which as far as I'm concerned is a good thing.

 

-Pg. 3 One thing I did notice is that the "which" vs. "that" problem came up again. 

"…but the few which remained all craned their necks to watch the two as they entered" should be "the few that remained". Basically, if it isn't preceded by a comma, it should be "that". You all can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on that one.

 

and again below:

 

Pg. 5 "…the only kind which men like this respond to".

 

-"Lianye pushed open the rickety old door, wincing as the rusted hinges squealed" I really like this description, especially the fact that you described the sound of the door.

-Pg. 5  "…and the thug was confused to see determination burning within her eyes" I feel like this is a slight break in POV. Lianye wouldn't necessarily know the thug was confused unless you conveyed it through his facial expressions or body language.

-Like I said above, I'm a big fan of the way you switched viewpoints, and I like that you did it so early on. I feel a strong contrast between the characters in this chapter and those in the first.

-My only other comment is that the sentences tend to run a little long during the action sequence, and in several places I felt that they were slowing down the momentum. 

[supersoup he/him]

Thank you Valthyr, rdpulfer, and Mr. Wednesday for your kind words and compliments on Ch. 2! I really appreciate them. I'm especially glad that you all wish to read more--that's very affirming to me, and gets me excited to write more. =)

not to mention the freaking aerlands which I can feel looming in the back of my head at all times (they're one of the main things that make me read on).

 

Rend blushing in the inn when the barkeep mentions two beds is either a really good bit (given he's seen men die and he's been in combat and in all sorts of grim situations) or it's not that great and is confusing about the character - it depends on the way you develop it further.

The only thing that kind of drew my attention in the writing is something in the dialogue -

" “My apologies,” Rendevere said. "

And at certain parts during the conversation with the innkeeper (which as I said feel really well handled), you don't need to tell us who said it. Most times when it's something like "he conceded" or "chimed in" it's okay, but "said" is unnecessary mostly, especially when we know who's talking already.

Overall this is awesome fantasy and I definitely want to read more! I was wondering since I joined the forum a couple of days ago and I missed last week's submissions, could you send me the first chapter, I read a lot about it and I really want to read about the two scientists (yey magic-science!). Keep up the good work!
 

EDIT: I'm glad you're as excited about the aerlands as I am! I'm learning new things about them all the time, and last night made an especially exciting breakthrough that will bear fruit for a very long time to come. It might not be what you expect, though--I'm thinking in the long-term.

 

-I may need to make the conversation between Rendevere, Lianye, and Kaeve clearer. Rend and Lianye are blushing because Kaeve keeps trying to twist their words to make it seem as if they are a couple. They aren't quite comfortable with that idea

-I'll work on reducing unnecessary dialogue tags as I continue to write. You may not see the fruit of that for a few more chapters, as I have written up through Ch. 4 before I began posting here. It's hard for me not to want to go back and set things right before moving forward, but as this is my first draft, I feel like my efforts are best spent pushing the story ahead.

-I forwarded the first week's submission to you! Enjoy
 

- Some of Rend's dialogue seems a bit overly complicated. I'm not sure if this is an intentional part of the character or not, but it doesn't have the same familiarity as the dialogue in the previous chapter. For example, "“I certainly possess a weakness for the cause of lesser odds when choosing sides for a quest.” could be boiled down to "I certainly having a weakness for the losing side."

- Would the thug be confused by a look of determination by a woman he's attacking? I think something more along the lines of a look of confidence, or even a look of boredom might be better.

-Yep, that's my bad habit of wordiness bleeding over. I appreciate you pointing it out, though, as I will need that sort of call-out from time to time. "Hey, this is really complicated, yo!" =P

-Right, confidence is closer to what I wish I had said initially. Not to mention, the thug is drunk, so he's just a bit bewildered anyways.
 

-Pg. 3 One thing I did notice is that the "which" vs. "that" problem came up again.
"…but the few which remained all craned their necks to watch the two as they entered" should be "the few that remained". Basically, if it isn't preceded by a comma, it should be "that". You all can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on that one.

and again below:

Pg. 5 "…the only kind which men like this respond to".

-Pg. 5 "…and the thug was confused to see determination burning within her eyes" I feel like this is a slight break in POV. Lianye wouldn't necessarily know the thug was confused unless you conveyed it through his facial expressions or body language.
-Like I said above, I'm a big fan of the way you switched viewpoints, and I like that you did it so early on. I feel a strong contrast between the characters in this chapter and those in the first.
-My only other comment is that the sentences tend to run a little long during the action sequence, and in several places I felt that they were slowing down the momentum.

-Even though I'm aware of it now, I know which vs. that will continue to haunt me. Thank you for the tidbit about using which only after commas, I'll use that as a solution to my problem for the time being. Like I mentioned above, you might not see it in action until after Ch. 4.

-Ah, good catch. Second draft will say something akin to that the thug looked confused. Confused that Lianye wasn't scared of him

-Thank you for your comment on the viewpoint switch. I was, and still am, very worried about handling it properly. Like I mentioned in response to someone last week, I see it like this--Pen and Dev have a lot narrower focus that Rend and Lianye, for the time being. They're are my "young adult" subplot, if you will, while Rend and Lianye see to the bigger picture. Granted, there are lots of ties between the two stories that will eventually come to light, and ultimately join into the bigger, overarching conflict.
EDIT: There will be one more viewpoint, actually. Introduced in the next chapter. That's why I'm especially worried about ensuring they all serve their purpose for the bigger picture.

-I'll try to make fight scenes flow in quicker bursts in the future. I think that may also be my tendency for wordiness bleeding over. I remember thinking while writing it "Short, staccato sentences," but I wasn't quite able to overcome the pull of pouring words onto the page =P

Thank you all again! If I should ever be published, some happy day in the future, I shall acknowledge all of my alpha readers in Reading Excuses!

Edited May 12, 2015 by supersoup

[Robinski he/him]

Another good chapter, but there was an issue for me, I didn't find the threat of the slum area or the thugs attacking particularly convincing. For me, it felt like a device to show that Lianye has enemies and that she and Rend are capable. It did that, but it felt like a by-the-numbers scene, which was disappointing given the colourful and engaging work up to that point.

Detailed comments below, but I continue to really enjoy your style. Your prose is very easy to read and I find the story engaging. I look forward to the next instalment.

-------------------

My first slight pause in reading is to compliment you on this excellent line "I owe you my life, pry if you wish." The eyes slide over it like the hand over fine silk. (I might have over-egged that metaphor a bit.)

I'm not clear what Lianye is disappointed about when they arrive at the inn.

Personally, I'm not keen on the phrase 'head full of... hair'. Is her head likely to be less than full of hair? I think a simpler phrase would be less 'visible' and awkward (imho).

I'm a bit nonplussed by the thug's actions, the attack seemed forced to me. Would the innkeeper not be expected to intervene, at least call for the guard? I think earlier you indicated that this. Also, their motivation is a real stereotype. I felt that you story so far deserved something better here than two dumb thugs thinking with codpieces.

"in-between", I think seems like go-between.

I know characters don't need to, and indeed probably shouldn't, speak with correct grammar, but the phrasing of "quick list" bothered me.

I didn't really sense much threat in the area that they had entered, so the frequent defence to Lianye's past and many enemies didn't quite ring true to me. I also thought it was a bit odd that they should start eating as they walked to the room. Why bother, it's no distance away? Don't they have bags that they're carrying?

[supersoup he/him]

Thanks for your comments Robinski! I really appreciate your feedback, and I'm glad you find the story engaging even in such a rough state.

 

As for all the little issues with grammar and turns of phrase, I'm hoping to catch them in the drafting process. I'm learning a lot by comments like yours on what works and what doesn't, and trying to take them to heart so I avoid such simple flaws moving forward.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with the fight scene. I'm none too happy with it either, and your comment that it was "by-the-numbers" helped me to see exactly why it fell flat. It's top of my to-do list for the second draft.

 

I may include another comment from Lianye regarding her disappointment at the slums in the next draft as well. The fact of its existence is a disappointment to her, and hopefully it will become more clear in the chapters to come.

 

Your comment that my story deserves better than the thugs actually encourages me. It shows that someone else sees value in the story I'm trying to tell, which pushes me to reach higher in turn. It's heartening, to say the least. I will doubtlessly fumble many more times before the first draft is through, but if the core of the story is worth reading, then it's worth polishing! I can't really express how excited that makes me. These characters and their struggles are very near and dear to my heart, and I want to do them justice.

 

Looking forward to your feedback on future chapters!

Edited May 15, 2015 by supersoup