5/4/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 3, 4779 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

We're in that structurally murky area past the point where the protagonist gets dragged into the task but before the midpoint crisis, so I'm curious if there are any points where the story feels unfocused. 

Thanks!

[Paul SB]

Did anybody get this? I don't have it, and I checked my spam filter.

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 5/5/2026 at 1:43 PM, Paul SB said:

Did anybody get this? I don't have it, and I checked my spam filter.

Thanks for letting me know! I forwarded it to you a few days ago so let me know if that didn't reach you either. 

[Paul SB]

I got it, I've just been too busy to read it until yesterday, and even then I didn't have time to critique. I hope to have more time today.

[Paul SB]

This is a revision guide that I got from the Writers helping Writers website. I’ve only used it once before but I like how it focuses the mind (since I have so little to work with), so I’ll give it a try here.

The Quick ‘n’ Dirty Revision Checklist:

Opening

• Was I pulled into the POV character’s life/situation right away?

The POV (close third person) works pretty well. First Person could work here, too, but if the author isn’t comfortable writing 1st P it might not work out as well. The choice of protagonist makes sense.

 

Character

• Did I get a good sense of who they are (identity) and what they want/need?

Yes for the protagonist, less so for T, who still feels a little opaque. “Even Trillium’s walking pace is hard to keep up with, her long legs stretching and her feet gliding over the ground like she’s calculated how to move the fastest while expending the least energy.” — good characterization here. More observations like this would help.

 

• Could I ‘see’ them to some degree?

This chapter, and the story so far, can definitely use some thicker description, as well as work with gesture, proxemics, and tone of voice.

 

• Did their emotions come through in each scene?

For the most part. The protagonist is a bit clueless, though, so not entirely observant.

 

 

Plot

• Did I understand what was happening in each scene?

For the most part. One bit at the end of Chapter.6 confused me. “Kite catches my expression and makes the motion a few paces away from me instead, and I meet it with my own.” — I don’t exactly understand what they are doing. Obviously K can’t touch A, so he holds his high-five, but what did A do?

 

• Were the characters working toward a specific goal?

The protagonist was, T is playing some kind of manipulation game.

 

• Did the storyline keep me interested?

Yes, though there are somethings that are so inadequately explained at this point it risks losing readers. Psyglass and the Calamity Ocean especially.

 

Setting

• Did I feel part of the setting in each scene? Was there enough detail, or too little/too much?

Not so much, not especially in terms of using the setting to set the mood.

 

Dialogue

• Did I always know who was speaking?

Mostly, but there were a couple sequences that got a bit confusing. The usual remedy is to add a couple more speech tags, but I think it would work as an opportunity to add in a little more interiority. Have A ruminate just a little about what is being said while it is being said, and pay attention to non-verbal cues, including some proxemics.

 

• Was there enough dialogue, too little or too much?

Plenty of dialogue, not enough of everything else.

 

• Did the dialogue flow like a real conversation? Were dialogue tags used correctly?

See above

 

Pacing

• Did the chapter/scene flow well? (Did it feel too slow or too fast at any point?)

It went pretty well. A bit slow, though I think that is more due to the slow thinking of the protagonist. A is at least aware of it, which is good for connection.

 

• Was I able to follow the events as they happened?

No problem.

 

Description

• Could I see what was happening clearly? Did the author create strong imagery?

Only a little, when describing the hallucinogenic displays of the Calamity Ocean.

 

• Did I skim anywhere or feel distracted as I read? Was it interesting?

I’m tempted to say puzzling more than interesting. We have a whole bunch of adolescents who just discovered that they are dead, but only one of them went off the rails. Most of the rest of them just seem to be there, so it leaves me wondering why they aren’t reacting much at such a reactive time of life. We should be seeing a lot more angst and drama.

 

• Did anything need more detail to make the scene feel more important and real?

What do they know about the Calamity Ocean, and how does that compare to what they are experiencing? For example:

“What about my memories makes them too dangerous to show?” — A noted that S didn’t have any, either, so it’s not about being Touched (by his noodley appendage?). I would think that A would note here that it isn’t just A who isn’t having memories put on display.

 

Voice:

• Was the writing unique in some way? Do I feel like only this writer could write this story? Does the

viewpoint feel authentic?

The author’s voice comes out in a few places, here and there, but is only weakly in evidence.

 

Ending:

• Did the scene end on a cliffhanger or create the urge to read on? Did the chapter feel complete?

Somewhat. It might help if A were more explicit (by way of internal monologue) about how getting in good with K is supposed to get closer to the goal.

[ginger_reckoning]

As for focus, I feel like it all depends on how long this story is; for being around 50k, I think this is about right, though I hope A has more of an active plan soon. Ae has been reacting a lot, which is not necessarily bad, but I hope A starts actually being proactive in the next few chapters. Maybe trying to get K on their side? Or experiments with changing reality just to see if she can? Overall, the writing and dialogue was solid, not much other than my lbls

 

Dusk sub 3 

 

“Telekinetic blast realization” this phrase has officially been noticed. I think there was another reference pretty close, and a few in the end of the last sub. 

 

“Repeat that S did” should be “what” I think

 

“From the military thoughts” the phrase miltary thoughts doesn’t seem right to me. Maybe militaristic thinking? Or, just cut the phrase altogether so it just says “its using one of the oldest strategies” 

 

So how does T know all this stuff? Did she just logic it out? 

 

“Too dangerous to show” This is an interesting conclusion to come to, my first though was that P was trying not to aggravate aer since ae could potentially be a lot more powerful than the others. But this makes more sense I think

 

“None of us believed the world will get better” very topical haha

 

“Twenty-nine days” wait, what happens in twenty-nine days? Possibly WRS

 

“Odor suppressants” lol. I’m also starting to like her

 

“Then it clicks for me” the next lines of dialogue don’t say who’s talking for a few sentences so I thought it was A at first, and had to go back and reread when I learned it was T 

 

“Target on your exoskeleton” I think this is the first time exoskeletons are mentioned so it might be a little jarring for new readers not knowing that its a technology and they’re not like, bug people haha. I think target on your back would survive as a saying but that’s just me. I think the next paragraph where they talk about summoning exoskeletons is a better first mention of the idea, imo

 

“You had power over us” that was what I was thinking too. Interesting conflict between proving them right and actually getting stuff done. 

 

This game sounds fun

 

Me when the yearning is so strong and all I have is dodgeball

 

I like K