4/20/26 - Appol PhD - Dusk sub 1, 4368 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

This is the first submission for the novel I wrote for (the now unofficial) nanowrimo last year. I've been reading a lot of Octavia Butler so I wrote this as a counterpoint to her novel Dawn, where a human is modified by gentle yet eerie aliens to prepare a cohort of humans to re-colonize Earth after nuclear fallout. So with this novel, I'm focusing less on having a fast-paced plot and more on atmosphere and conflicted emotions. It's a new style for me so I'm curious how it comes across.

 

This submission goes about halfway through chapter 2 and cuts off before the end of the chapter to stay within word count, though hopefully the scene break I chose feels natural for that. 

 

Thanks for reading! 

[Paul SB]

Did you send the email? I don't have anything from you for today.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Re-sent! Let me know if you still didn't get it! 

[Paul SB]

Prologue:

“We will dissolve and incorporate aer into ourselves as we have done across the galaxy, spreading and consuming and desolating the way the Igneous empire taught us how, until there is nothing left to take and we too will cannibalize ourselves like every successful creation of human expansionism has.” — This does not sound like a happy ending. If this being sees this end as inevitable it might not do its task with much enthusiasm. Does it have any glimmer of hope that it can escape this fate?

 

Chapter 1:

“Okay, so it dissolved our memories instead of hanging onto them. Mildly disturbing.” — I would think this would be more than mildly disturbing.

 

“What teenager is going to wax poetic about hope when everyone else is around to judge them? “— A major key to the adolescent mindset. Is being Touched what makes tis character immune?

 

 

“I am also something that is not of this world …” — Is the Biblical reference here intentional? If so, what is the intention?

 

Chapter 2:

 

“… the type of anxious boy who only gets noticed by middle-aged women who forget their Ignian sternness and call him “sweetie” like they’re helping their own son work through his problems.” — Great observation of human behavior. This is the kind of thing that makes the difference between Joe or Josephine Average and a good storyteller.

 

“Out.”

And so he leaves.” — A have the feeling he’s going to regret this. A fit of pique rarely bodes well. While I understand the character’s reaction — the feeling of inadequacy driving his to want to be alone and not seen — I hope he’s smart enough to reflect on his reaction and make amends at some point. It might be good to have A reflect on this, if only for a sentence, or even just a clause appended to that sentence.

 

 

“I do still intend to leave, but I dither for long enough …” — What does he do while he dithers? Pace with his hands behind his back? Glance nervously around the room? Stand there stone-still, lost in thought?

 

“Many cultures on outer planets believe in cycles of rebirth, and it does not make healthy people end their old existence to move onto another.” — This statement does a lot to point out the usefulness of religion. With that belief people can be exploited until the day they die, while maintaining hope and motivation in the belief that the next life will be so much better. Ditto the Western variants.

 

 

Ominous ending. However, after two chapters the nature of the Calamity and its agenda aren’t very clear. Telling a story is always a matter of knowing when to reveal what information, so I suspect that you are keeping some of that hidden for future use.

[ginger_reckoning]

I like the concept of this one! I thought that scene-by-scene it was pretty good too. However, i think this would benefit greatly from having a chapter of "status quo" before realizing P is dead and they are all in a limbo like state to more firmly establish the relationships of the characters, what being T means, what C is, et cetera, because right now this feels like I was dropped more in the middle of a story, and if I didn't already know what C water, p glass et al is, I would be very confused I think. Maybe more of a scene with the narrator ntoicing strange things happening before coming to a conclusion would be good. Also I noticed my LBLs stop at the end of chatper 1 but I did read the whole submission haha

 

Dusk 1

 

Pg1

“Women come from girls. But after we…” I don’t really see how this sentence follows formt he one before it. 

 

The prologue is fine, but it’s very vague and confusing. It seems like it will probably be a while before any of it makes sense. I think it almost has a little too much detail though? In a weird way, the detail is what makes it more confusing. Like there’s enough detail here that the narrator is obviously talking about something important, but there are a lot of proper nouns that I don’t know. I would recommend focusing more on the emotion here

 

Pg 2 

“My mother P…” This is an incomplete sentence. I think it’s supposed to read “The fact that my mother P…” 

 

“It works, mostly” I would change to “succeeds” since the word “work” was just used with a different meaning. 

 

“Proverbial shaper controlling” I don’t know what proverb this is referencing

 

Pg 6 

Not sure what your intentions are for this, but so far there is a lot of jargon specific to this setting. Since I have read your other stuff in this same setting I can follow it but for someone who hasn’t, it might be a lot to learn in the course of a few pages

 

End of chapter 1 

This is an interesting conflict, and I like that they don’t waste a ton of time denying their circumstances. I do feel like a little bit more context is probably needed, though

 

 

Edited May 13 by ginger_reckoning
yeah