4/13/26 - Appol PhD - Labyrinth of Birdcages ch 1+2 (3475 words)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

I've rewritten Labyrinth of Birdcages from scratch based on feedback, and I'm planning to query agents to build up skills in doing so. Most of them require about 10 pages, which is about the length of these first two chapters. So in contrast to my usual style of not worrying as much about the line-level, here I'll be focusing on it more so comments in that area are greatly appreciated. I'll probably start querying agents next Monday unless people want to critique but will need longer than that to get to it, so please let me know if that's the case! 

I'm also curious how chapter 1 lands, since previous feedback I got was that we need to know more about J's life before the inciting incident so I had to put a lot of thought into how to make it feel important for the story. Not sure if I totally stuck the landing. 

Thanks! 

[Paul SB]

Creepy ending!

Overall I think this is a great start. By putting us into the mind, and the hallucinations, of the POV character, it does a good job of sucking the reader in. In the spirit of In medias reis, I’m tempted to suggest beginning the story at the first scene break in Ch.1, then bringing the first scene back as a flashback, or internal monologue as the character tries to process what is happening to him.

Ch.1:

Very creepy ending. I like how you sprang the bit about hallucinations on the reader suddenly. One thing doesn’t exactly make sense, though. Does this character (still no name?) know he has schizophrenia, or only suspect it? You mentioned the age of onset, so he obviously already knows something about the condition.

Who is Daniella? His case worker?

Ch.2:

You missed a perfect opportunity to give the reader a little description of what the character looks like when he met his doppelgänger. That and how he reacts to his own physical appearance would give the reader some insight into his level of self esteem and self concept more generally. Your writing often misses the five senses. For example, when he opens the door to the psych lab, does he notice the subtle smell of snow, does the cold raise goosebumps on his arms? Did he ever get frostbite and has a tiny patch of skin that stings in the cold?

It isn’t exactly clear why he distrusts the doppelgänger. In those circumstances I probably would, too, but I’m a wee tad of a cynic (even though I know how unhealthy that is), so maybe other readers would benefit from seeing a little more of his thought process.

I don’t know how you feel about using symbolism and foreshadowing, but I think that if you were a little more descriptive in these chapters some opportunities might present themselves. The hat would be a great place to start, and I hope you’ll bring that hat back in some form by the end. If nothing else his eyes should register some details about it, like texture, any contrasting colors, maybe he would even remember how it felt on his head, and unconsciously gesture to his head. Another thing you might consider is place, since schizophrenia leaves people with difficulties grounding themselves in the actual world they live in. Given that he’s a foster kid his associations with place would not be especially strong or emotionally charged to begin with, but at some point he might start in a sense collecting features of places in his mind to help ground himself.

[ginger_reckoning]

 

Good to see you back! I think this is much improved from the first draft. I like having a little more context to J's situation, and I can tell I am already going to be more connected to the stroyline with M and his mom. Also introducing K first, if brief, was also good. I think the beginning characterization of the doppleganger is a lot better too. Overall, great work. Just mainly had my little notes below. 

 

Labyrinth draft 2 sub 1

 Pg 1 Wow, the first two paragraphs are very strong! I’m excited, it seems like there have been some good changes.

 

Pg 3 “little college town” maybe say the name of the town too? Even if he’s new I think he would know the name of the town

 

“That her friend V can get” mentioning V here (introducing her ig) muddles the sentence I think, and it can be established later and more effectively that they are friends imo without distracting from the main point of this sentence, that J likes her hair and voice. 

 

“What sounds like the hum” I would just say “I hear the hum”

“Like a mother’s” nice, and I like the foreshadowing

 

Ohh, nice I like the introduction of this mysterious character a lot 

 

Pg 6 Personally I would like a little bit more sensory description of what its like in the labyrinth when he first appears there, in the first paragraph or so, since this is the first time seeing the mind place or anything truly supernatural and it’s a pretty bewildering place. Stuff like the sounds of lots of pigeons cooing, or the rattling of the cages, or the smell and white poop stains or strange lack thereof. A little more on what a labyrinth of birdcages actually means haha

 

“I’ll blame math” lol

 

“Couldn’t stand wearing it” oof, that hurts

 

Pg 11 btw I think this is the first time J’s name is mentioned. Probably should have someone mention it a little earlier

 

I also think that J should question what the doppleganger is a little more. Doesn’t have to be a ton because I appreciate not lingering on the “what is happening????” aspect but a little more questioning would be realistic I think

[Appol PhD they/he]

Just made the edits and sent the first query letters. Thanks so much for your help @ginger_reckoning @Paul SB! 

[Paul SB]

No problem! That's what we're here for. Humans are social animals, though sometimes it doesn't look that way with writers.