March 9 - Silk - Fix Your Body With This One Weird Trick! (See text) - 3900 words

[Silk she/her]

Hi all,

 

I've threatened this a couple times, so here I am, submitting it. Welcome to a new revision of the weirdest thing I have yet written. 

 

Our usual content tags don't apply, but please note trigger warnings for: weight loss, disordered eating, related medical trauma and general body dysmorphia and body horror. (I've had another reader ask about needles, so: there are references to drugs administered by needle and an IV line, but no on-screen depictions of either being inserted.) 

Edited March 9 by Silk

[Paul SB]

Writing in second person is pretty unusual and quite tricky to pull off. I thought you did this very well. You definitely got your message across. Your humor is pretty mild but palpable. I don’t get the impression that this was intended to be comedy, but there is certainly a level of absurdity in the situation that tickles. It is a touch long, though. In places it’s a bit repetitive. I think you could probably cut maybe two-hundred words out and that would improve it a little.

When I started reading the first thing that came to my mind was a non-fiction book I read a few years back called, “The Indignities of Being a Woman.” While I don’t think you need any more inspiration for this story, you might feel a kindred spirit with the authors.

My only real issue with this is that as a second person narrative it’s best to be a bit more vague about who that second person is, since any reader is put in the place of being that person. You’ve made it clear enough that the second person is female. If that was your intention, that’s okay. The subject matter seems more relevant to female hominids than male hominids, in Western cultures, at least. You wouldn’t have to do much to make the sex of the second person more ambiguous, which would make it easier for many male readers to relate. Male-pattern alexithymia can be a huge barrier for many. But once again, if it was your intention to make it clearly a female experience, then it works fine. I’m pretty happy with the story as-is (except for a couple typos).

Fun stuff!

[Silk she/her]

21 hours ago, Paul SB said:

Your humor is pretty mild but palpable. I don’t get the impression that this was intended to be comedy, but there is certainly a level of absurdity in the situation that tickles.

Yeah, I don't think of it as a humour-first piece but there is definitely an element of satire here, so it sounds like the balance is about right. 

As for the gender of the narrator, I'm fine with it being identifiably female, since it's largely a gendered dynamic I'm writing about (not that men don't deal with body image issues, but tends to show up for men/masc folks differently). That's a trade-off I'm willing to make. 

Was there anywhere in particular that struck you as being repetitive? I'll read it again with an eye out for that, but I've clearly read the thing too many times at this point... 

21 hours ago, Paul SB said:

the first thing that came to my mind was a non-fiction book I read a few years back called, “The Indignities of Being a Woman.”

Ooh, I'll have to check that out. 

Thanks for commenting!

Edited March 11 by Silk

[Paul SB]

I glanced over it again, and it was kind of hard to find specific lines to snip. One bit that stood out a little was where you were angry at LINEN then angry again. I get that the wording gave it two somewhat different meanings, but it might be a start. You might try taking a word count of each bolded section to identify which ones are especially long and focus on tightening those passages.

I'm barely awake right now, and my son won't stop talking, so I should stop now and come back later. 

[Paul SB]

I was looking at where you wrote about lifestyle and I thought it might be interesting if you put that word in italics. Maybe do the same with a few other words that show important changes in the story, then italicize the last line. Or maybe underline instead, since you use italics for emphasis in a few places. Also, try putting a blank line before the last sentence. It will act a little like a held breath and make that conclusion feel more conclusive.

I hope this helps.

 

[AnAirSickFool]

Finished reading it.

All in all it was an interesting read. As mentioned the humor was made up of good satire. The story also drove forward at a good and believable pace.

The only issue I had was with the use of second person narration. While it was done very well and was important to the story, I felt like the narrator changed partway through the story. For the first part is sounded like almost like a corporate manual or other such document but at some point it felt like it changed to a more personal narrator as it focused more on the individuals life.

That might just be me though since the only second person narrations that I have read are from mandatory corporate literature.    

[Silk she/her]

On 3/11/2026 at 10:26 PM, Paul SB said:

I was looking at where you wrote about lifestyle and I thought it might be interesting if you put that word in italics. Maybe do the same with a few other words that show important changes in the story, then italicize the last line. Or maybe underline instead, since you use italics for emphasis in a few places. Also, try putting a blank line before the last sentence. It will act a little like a held breath and make that conclusion feel more conclusive.

I hope this helps.

Thanks! I actually backed off italics in a few places because felt like I was over-using them; I think "lifestyle" might have been one of them, so I'll take another look. There is kind of a lot going on in this piece formatting-wise already, but maybe I should lean in rather than lean out. 

On 3/12/2026 at 7:10 AM, AnAirSickFool said:

The only issue I had was with the use of second person narration. While it was done very well and was important to the story, I felt like the narrator changed partway through the story. For the first part is sounded like almost like a corporate manual or other such document but at some point it felt like it changed to a more personal narrator as it focused more on the individuals life.

This was somewhat deliberate as I was looking for ways to mirror the narrator losing their sense of self in the format of the piece, but I've gotten mixed reactions on how well it's working. I did get a suggestion from another reader that I think might help smooth this out in the early parts.

Thanks for commenting!

Edited March 13 by Silk

[Paul SB]

1 hour ago, Silk said:

This was somewhat deliberate as I was looking for ways to mirror the narrator losing their sense of self in the format of the piece, but I've gotten mixed reactions on how well it's working. I did get a suggestion from another reader that I think might help smooth this out in the early parts.

I thought losing herself was the whole point of the story, and finally putting her foot down and getting herself back. I'd be curious about the offered solution.

[Silk she/her]

1 hour ago, Paul SB said:

I thought losing herself was the whole point of the story, and finally putting her foot down and getting herself back. I'd be curious about the offered solution.

Yup, exactly, so I do want the lines between the wellness industry nonsense and the character to be blurred to an extent - but hopefully without being too much of an actual stumbling block. It's fine if it's a hard story to read, because honestly it should be... but not so hard that too many people stop reading! Tough line to walk. 

It was pointed out that there isn't a ton of sensory grounding in the first half of the story, so I'm wondering if a bit more of that would help with Airsick's point of feeling like there's an individual all the way through... I'm thinking the restaurant scene might be a spot for that. And/or hanging even more of a lantern on the disconnect the narrator feels from her body. 

And find a way to do it in just a few lines here or there, because I definitely don't want to go making the thing longer at this point. No biggie, right? 

[Paul SB]

Hmm. I kind of thought the disconnect was part of the picture. You didn't use the word bulimia but it was obvious enough, so I thought the lack of sensory experience was you showing disassociation without saying it. The restaurant scene does seem like a good place if you want to add some in. The burning sensation in the back of the throat, the heaviness in the forearms.

Are you familiar with Ackerman and Puglisi's Emotion Thesaurus? It's a really helpful tool for this kind of stuff (especially when I remember to use it). They have a whole series of similar books, but that's the one to start out with.

[Silk she/her]

On 3/13/2026 at 8:49 PM, Paul SB said:

Hmm. I kind of thought the disconnect was part of the picture. You didn't use the word bulimia but it was obvious enough, so I thought the lack of sensory experience was you showing disassociation without saying it.

Yes, absolutely part of the picture. I think, if I were to go this route, it would about picking one or two choice moments to experience those sensory details--I'm thinking of the scene in the restaurant, because it's hard not to feel in your body when you're puking, but also not a pleasant experience (plus early enough in the story that it will hopefully help bring people in if they're struggling) and, hopefully, the contrast between those moments and the overall disconnected would drive the point home. Gonna come down to whether I can do it without losing anything important, I think; what's on the page seems to be working well enough for most that I don't want to sacrifice anything. 

On 3/13/2026 at 8:49 PM, Paul SB said:

Are you familiar with Ackerman and Puglisi's Emotion Thesaurus?

I am not! I'll have to check it out. 

Edited March 15 by Silk

[Paul SB]

1 hour ago, Silk said:

Yes, absolutely part of the picture. I think, if I were to go this route, it would about picking one or two choice moments to experience those sensory details--I'm thinking of the scene in the restaurant, because it's hard not to feel in your body when you're puking, but also not a pleasant experience (plus early enough in the story that it will hopefully help bring people in if they're struggling)

Vomiting is such a body-wracking experience that it makes sense given the theme to go into detail there. Another place you might go into visceral detail is the section on fasting.

I am not! I'll have to check it out. 

I have the whole collection, though my pathetic hippocampus rarely reminds me that I have them. They have a cool web site.

https://writershelpingwriters.net

My only complaint is that they are now putting their newest work out on a subscription model, which annoys the hell out of me.

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: The good news is that I think this is a very strong story. The second person is a great fit for the writing style, the scenes feel eerie and complex with how the diet stuff almost sounds like it makes sense, and the scene ordering manages to feel like the character is jumping around randomly while also feeling like the smoothest progression as an actual story. Not a small feat! I have a few constructive points, though they’re fairly minor:

-I think even in second person where the character is supposed to feel a bit like ourselves we need a bit more on her life before starting the message board and what drove her to it. I think there’s a way to do it where she still feels like she could be anyone while making the discussions of societal pressure a bit more well-rounded.

-I believe the story is at its most powerful when it’s just a bit concerning rather than full-on obviously concerning, since it shows that even when done in a mindful way focusing on individual plans and empowerment that this stuff is dangerous. I think if the story pulls back just a bit on some of the negative experiences (both health-wise and socially), it will actually feel scarier since it goes from “this is a bad idea because she’s facing rejection and have deteriorating health” to “even when she’s watching for the obvious warning signs this is still an unhealthy obsession.” The story already does this quite a bit and I think it’s great; I think it could go even further.

-The last three pages feel a bit too neat and tidy, and I don’t see as much complexity as some of the earlier struggles. I think it’s more powerful if she doesn’t feel great about going back to the world outside this bubble, but does it anyways. Spitballing a bit here but maybe this is where the first comment about the character’s backstory could come in? She knows she’ll have to go back to facing whatever expectations pushed her into this in the first place but does it anyways.

As I go:

Pg 2. I like this opening, though I wonder if there’s a way to give it just a bit more oomph through the corporate speak. Edit: after finishing I wonder if the first line could focus on community rather than the second line since that's the biggest throughline throughout the story. 

Pg 3. Really like the sense of motion here so far. The diets being so different and how quickly the character is jumping between them helps build the eerie atmosphere

Pg 6. I also like the motion of the character being left behind by the new fad of definitely-not-Ozempic

Pg 11. Love the self-care justifications

Pg 14. This is the first time so far that the dynamics feel a bit simplified. This story’s doing a great job of not being afraid to tell instead of show if that makes the dynamics more complicated, but here it feels like what’s on the page is all we get if that makes sense

[Silk she/her]

23 hours ago, Paul SB said:

My only complaint is that they are now putting their newest work out on a subscription model, which annoys the hell out of me.

Urgh, yeah, subscription models are a scourge on society. But, I'll definitely check them out. 

13 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

and the scene ordering manages to feel like the character is jumping around randomly while also feeling like the smoothest progression as an actual story.

oh thank goodness. I have re-ordered these scenes so many times by now haha 

13 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

I think if the story pulls back just a bit on some of the negative experiences (both health-wise and socially), it will actually feel scarier since it goes from “this is a bad idea because she’s facing rejection and have deteriorating health” to “even when she’s watching for the obvious warning signs this is still an unhealthy obsession.” The story already does this quite a bit and I think it’s great;

Oooh this is really interesting! I actually went a bit harder on the "negative experiences" in this draft based on feedback from the last round, specifically spending a little more time on the hospital scene, which was described by readers of an earlier draft as "blink and you miss it" in terms of how explicit it was - and it was pointed out on me that the conclusion leans pretty heavily on this scene. But maybe there is room to peel back in, say, the wearable device scene...

13 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

-The last three pages feel a bit too neat and tidy, and I don’t see as much complexity as some of the earlier struggles. 

Hm, yeah, fair enough. I could maybe do something with her "eating her doubts" along with, um, everyone else, similar to the cold plunge scene. Which might be another opportunity. 

13 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

Edit: after finishing I wonder if the first line could focus on community rather than the second line since that's the biggest throughline throughout the story. 

Oh, this might be an idea. The intro is I think the only part of the story that I actually haven't touched during revisions. 

Thanks for commenting! (And all for the discussion.)

Edited March 16 by Silk

[Robinski he/him]

Hey!

I remember reading this story, and enjoying it a good deal

[Silk she/her]

21 hours ago, Robinski said:

Hey!

I remember reading this story, and enjoying it a good deal

Hi stranger! 

I think this version was a little different than the one you read... based partially on your comments