Trans Hangout Thread

[Hoid Slayer He/Him]

48 minutes ago, ParaTulip said:

@Honors Spectral ImageIf you cannot do these things, then at the very least celebrate us punks who rebel in your name. Commend the transfemmes who pass only as such, and laud our courage as if it were your own.

@Hoid SlayerWe're cool dude. I speak with this kind of passion due to other life events. Not angry at you, just wanted to be extremely clear because you were stepping in as an outsider and also being protective of my fellows queer folks is a point of pride I have. If you dig what I said, then we have no beef.

We have no beef  

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

Ok so I'm kinda just feeling lots of anxiety right now and lately around HRT and I haven't talked to anyone about it besides a bit on here and I feel like I need to (and maybe I do need to, but I don't know if I need to or simply have a very strong desire to). It feels like I need to make a decision and that every day that goes by it becomes either closer to irreversible or more irreversible or whatever and I can't keep "putting it off" and I need to understand and I know that's a thing for me but it's causing me distress so I don't know, I still want to talk about it. Tess/Aeo already suggested an appointment with my provider/Dr. thing person and it's a good idea but I'm really scared that anyone I talk to is just immediately gonna say/suggest/make me stop it (HRT). I don't know anything though. I don't know what I want, what I don't, what the difference is between what I want and what I think/tell myself I want (why does this sound like I've said this before/a million times, probably cuz I have), and if there even is a difference between those. Maybe it's just changing wants or maybe it's (as I think/originally thought/held/hold) thinking false wants because of expectations or masking or something, and I don't even understand my masking or my self or myself. I feel like I'm just moving clunkily along or have been with what I think I should do and what is expected or told or what others have done and nothing is me and I am not me and I'm panicking or distressed and I need clarity and understanding (me to understand [which may require understanding of myself from others]). I need something and I feel like it's this thing inside me screaming but it can't scream cuz I have no mouth (reference and true kinda), like it's screaming at me and/or I'm screaming inside but not screaming outside and no one knows and no one can hear me because I'm not screaming. I can't keep just not talking and not addressing it. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I like or don't like the clothes I wear because I can't tell anymore, if I ever could. I can't rely on that to tell what my gender expression (and hopefully therefore gender identity) is or is close to or even hint at it. I analyse it too much but also don't even start analysing it because at this point I start and then freeze or spiral because it's too much and either I've done it before or I don't want to or can't do it or/and don't have the brain power and oh ado I just can't think. So then since I can't think I can't move towards decisions or understanding of anything and I'm stuck but it's still there so I keep panicking and distressing and ado there's so much to think about and I do think about some stuff but it's all the crap stupid stuff that obviously is stupid and not true but why do I think it and believe it? even if I do believe it. I don't even know what I believe or if I believe it or think it or where the lines are for anything or the difference and what does anything or it even mean?? I can't just keep seeing some new label or word or thing dumb thing stupid and just ugh storm just storm storm I can't keep doing this. I can't keep storm. storm storm. god almoght ado storm. 

storm now I'm storming worked up storm... storm storm

why did I do this i still need an answers though. i still need them even though it's distressing because I dont have all day or i mean all time there's a time limit I can't do this. So what if the hrt is the culprit in all this and is ehy im feeling so awful and acting so awful to everyone around me and to myself and storm. And if its not is it my meds or my mental health or some random bullcrap storm like actual just tegular life stressors???m bceause I always usually sometiems deny that because its too simple too obvious and i dont understand i dont think its that theres gottta be something underlying something within deeper that I didnt see dont see no one does dont usnerstanddsd. Because it cant be something so easily fixed or it would go away, righ5?

how do i storming know anything? 

and i onow when i get like thos im supposed to use the skills storm rust that ive been learning therapywise but storm i want to storming understand ..m

like who even am i? i keep asking these damn questions who am i what am i but i need to know. And i dont know. i dont think i know so i dont and how do i know anything when i idk..

i dont even know whrte to start if o were to bring this up in theeaiy (which is grohp which makes it harder sometimes). and some stuff like hrt im not really even comfortable talking about with . im just so sick of myself and my mind and everything and my life and my thoughts and my behaviours and everything i do and "am" and everything storming everythign. i hate that i dont stop calling myself rust crap stuff and names and storming hating myself so storming much that i start wodnering if I actually mean it and maybe im just trying to hate myself so that i know decretly i mean so that i secretily can still think im a either a good person or not irredemal rust piece of crap. Because i see hating myself as a good thing which ive only i think admitted to myself because everyone says oh dont storming hate yourself cuz you dont deserve it and then you start acting badly too and then maybe tou actually are bad and you learn that hating yourself doesnt actually mean youre good and can be a dign your bad and im talking and and and and storm and idk

and theres just too much of everything and i think ive maybe started to think in a fifferent way that im a bad person because i used to but now i do because how could i not be and then yes yes then i just get sick of everything i say and think because since im a bad person everything of that is bad too so why the storm do i storming say it or think it and i mean i sick when i do because its sickening and crappy and storming crappy to do.

and even if its bad to do say think it here i still feel need to do it and so i am doing saying eriting it because i want to get it out even if thats the bad thing choice to do. maybe then i can ud erstand it better because ive layed it out and said it and its down and not unnaccesible and spoit into dofferent parts and in my brain.

wand why do i say these ado storming awful things that storming makes people storming not really likel me.

and then they ask if i really mean it and i dont i cant answrr i cant think if i do or not or what ot whete or why i even sayid it

and i storming of course storming rust still storming hold out hope im oooooh seceteetllyyy a gooood persssdonnnnn storm me of course i would storming think it but rust storming storm ot storm

and even here i avoid the storming problem the thing because im maybe embrarssed or know its bad thing so why

and badically im just storming obsessed with idk rust but thinking i have storming mental disorder things and that i dont storming have because why would i but they would be ansers or explain or whatever the storm i timhumk and storming storm storm maybe i am storming just a bad person wanting it cuz i think it would be storming storm me i cant storming say it

and wankt h care is bad so storm me

not wsnting care is bad so storm me too

wanting nothing is idk i dont storming know ehat the storm that is i cant storming think it anout it evacshs i havent yet

and storm me even as i write this i storming hate it

i guess i should try storming getting back to hrt stufffffffffffnfnfnfjdjdjkwkwkeowowle

storm

hethrthrthrtjrt

my bails are nails are chipped but doni even like them hern after i paint them and how do i storming know?m????? how do i know if i like painted nails and i only didsleuo didsl makeup once and storm and i shave my legs kinda infrequently and hardly wear shorts what the storm is wrong meeith me and i dknt storming know why the storm anything is storming goddddddd

i dont even feel like a storming human im tok awkward and storming socially rust and crap and damn storming crempileof rust.

i cant talk to anyone because when i do my voice is storming crap and i words are storming crap and my body's expresson motion and stuff everything is storming crap and im storming rust

i dont even feel like i know what i want at all like AT ALLL. and even if i do i just get storming sick at myself or at it because what i want is bad and wrong and storming a rust thing to want so why the storm would i want it or say i want it and so then i dont storming get it so storm me for not speaking and not saying snything and storm me storm me storm storm storm storm storm

...........

storm

storm

god storming storm ado storming lorddddddddddddd

and why the storm am i storming delaying piercings so storming long and cant storming decide if i want them or wear or commit even though i think i do and i wanted them cerain with i was certain i wnated them a bit sgo and imnow i just wanna storming do storming nothing maybe and i feel like

this is important i think

i feel like i want to be someone but that its impossible to switch me into that person without completely just being a different person

but then of course storm me eith grass is greener of course storm storm storm but atilllkll

and even here im probably not saying anything i mean everything enoygh or storming i hope i storming make sense and if i storming dont then whatever nobody it doesnt storming matter it is crap anyway so storm me storm

im too storming storm i dont have any life i havent even had a life im a storming child so why the storm everyone else storming knows things except like this one person that i kinda hated or didnt like because they talked eother like people i know yes like people i know and scted kinda like me and i hated them even though i shouldnt have because storm i dont know maybe i was projecting but it seemed like they were syaing stuff put into their mouth like people i know...

storm me storm storm storm

i eagerly await your response if any

.................  . . . . . . . . ..  .. . . . .c.cmcmcmcmcnmcmcmcm

82828837373383735555555555111112

 

0xzero zerozerololllllhahahhahahahh

cero

b

angway

what else ....

sigh im tire d exhausted now

i alresdy was

i jsjt wannt sleep

sorry if that was idk .. too.kchh or eeird or aggresive or idk just hwidi idk

[ParaTulip fae/faer (declines as she/her)]

@Usseewa, I am sorry, but I did not read your whole message. It simply became to clear that you are going in circles really fast. This all sounds like an existential crisis.

Might I suggest you read Albert Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus? I think more people who consider gender transition have heard the call of the void, and so the topics of that text are much more imminent than they are for folks.

Gender transition is, ultimate, an act of the absurd. There is no final reasoning on whether or not you should or should not do it. You can dip your toes in to the pool, try things to see if the sensation of making yourself seem more feminine to yourself is a good or a bad feeling: Grow your hair out, shave your body hair, try on a skirt, maybe even a dress, get someone to do your makeup (doing it for yourself for the first time always feels bad because it is like your first drawing, of course it is not great). But even if you like all of those, you might decide not to take hormones.

The freedom of being able to consider gender transition is also the source of the dread and anxiety you are feeling. Having this much freedom is simply overwhelming for people who are used to being told what to do and why in life.

Find a moment where you can sit in silence, try to quiet all of the noise, and then ask the question after finding your peace. I suggest counting down from 108 before you start thinking of the question or the answer. And be thoughtful of how you word the question, in your moment of peace.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

2 minutes ago, ParaTulip said:

@Usseewa, I am sorry, but I did not read your whole message. It simply became to clear that you are going in circles really fast. This all sounds like an existential crisis.

Might I suggest you read Albert Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus? I think more people who consider gender transition have heard the call of the void, and so the topics of that text are much more imminent than they are for folks.

Gender transition is, ultimate, an act of the absurd. There is no final reasoning on whether or not you should or should not do it. You can dip your toes in to the pool, try things to see if the sensation of making yourself seem more feminine to yourself is a good or a bad feeling: Grow your hair out, shave your body hair, try on a skirt, maybe even a dress, get someone to do your makeup (doing it for yourself for the first time always feels bad because it is like your first drawing, of course it is not great). But even if you like all of those, you might decide not to take hormones.

The freedom of being able to consider gender transition is also the source of the dread and anxiety you are feeling. Having this much freedom is simply overwhelming for people who are used to being told what to do and why in life.

Find a moment where you can sit in silence, try to quiet all of the noise, and then ask the question after finding your peace. I suggest counting down from 108 before you start thinking of the question or the answer. And be thoughtful of how you word the question, in your moment of peace.

i actually read like 2/3rds of Sisyphus and then stopped like a week or so ago. I don't know if i fully understood it or how much i did or didn't but yeah it was interesting.

i already tried most of those things, but now i cant be sure if i like them or not. especially eith something like a skirt when it was awkward sitting and everything 

makeup looked good i think but how do i know if i didnt like it *enough* and was just thinking i like it cuz that's expected?

 

i like your thoughts though, thank you. and the suggestion for thinking and counting and stuff is cool. what question though? or about what?

[ParaTulip fae/faer (declines as she/her)]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

i like your thoughts though, thank you. and the suggestion for thinking and counting and stuff is cool. what question though? or about what?

I can't give you the form of the question, because I think it will bias your answer. But did you know that if you use the folds in your fingers and indicate where you are with your thumb, you can count well past 108 on your hands? Point to the base of the finger, the near base knuckle, the far knuckle, and the tip of the finger to count 4 on each finger, then you use your opposite hand to count increments of 16.

If counting does not work, maybe write on one piece of paper all the reasons you feel bad about transition and then the reasons you feel good about it on another. Ask if the reasons you feel good are possible to get otherwise and ask if the reasons you feel bad are the fault of other people who should treat you better.

Having a panic attack is not helping you. I am not sure if I can help you, but I am trying to offer you what I can.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

8 minutes ago, ParaTulip said:

I can't give you the form of the question, because I think it will bias your answer. But did you know that if you use the folds in your fingers and indicate where you are with your thumb, you can count well past 108 on your hands? Point to the base of the finger, the near base knuckle, the far knuckle, and the tip of the finger to count 4 on each finger, then you use your opposite hand to count increments of 16.

If counting does not work, maybe write on one piece of paper all the reasons you feel bad about transition and then the reasons you feel good about it on another. Ask if the reasons you feel good are possible to get otherwise and ask if the reasons you feel bad are the fault of other people who should treat you better.

Having a panic attack is not helping you. I am not sure if I can help you, but I am trying to offer you what I can.

ill try it hopefully..

thanks

 

[Aeoryi she/her]

6 hours ago, Usseewa said:

Ok so I'm kinda just feeling lots of anxiety right now and lately around HRT and I haven't talked to anyone about it besides a bit on here and I feel like I need to (and maybe I do need to, but I don't know if I need to or simply have a very strong desire to). It feels like I need to make a decision and that every day that goes by it becomes either closer to irreversible or more irreversible or whatever and I can't keep "putting it off" and I need to understand and I know that's a thing for me but it's causing me distress so I don't know, I still want to talk about it. Tess/Aeo already suggested an appointment with my provider/Dr. thing person and it's a good idea but I'm really scared that anyone I talk to is just immediately gonna say/suggest/make me stop it (HRT). I don't know anything though. I don't know what I want, what I don't, what the difference is between what I want and what I think/tell myself I want (why does this sound like I've said this before/a million times, probably cuz I have), and if there even is a difference between those. Maybe it's just changing wants or maybe it's (as I think/originally thought/held/hold) thinking false wants because of expectations or masking or something, and I don't even understand my masking or my self or myself. I feel like I'm just moving clunkily along or have been with what I think I should do and what is expected or told or what others have done and nothing is me and I am not me and I'm panicking or distressed and I need clarity and understanding (me to understand [which may require understanding of myself from others]). I need something and I feel like it's this thing inside me screaming but it can't scream cuz I have no mouth (reference and true kinda), like it's screaming at me and/or I'm screaming inside but not screaming outside and no one knows and no one can hear me because I'm not screaming. I can't keep just not talking and not addressing it. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I like or don't like the clothes I wear because I can't tell anymore, if I ever could. I can't rely on that to tell what my gender expression (and hopefully therefore gender identity) is or is close to or even hint at it. I analyse it too much but also don't even start analysing it because at this point I start and then freeze or spiral because it's too much and either I've done it before or I don't want to or can't do it or/and don't have the brain power and oh ado I just can't think. So then since I can't think I can't move towards decisions or understanding of anything and I'm stuck but it's still there so I keep panicking and distressing and ado there's so much to think about and I do think about some stuff but it's all the crap stupid stuff that obviously is stupid and not true but why do I think it and believe it? even if I do believe it. I don't even know what I believe or if I believe it or think it or where the lines are for anything or the difference and what does anything or it even mean?? I can't just keep seeing some new label or word or thing dumb thing stupid and just ugh storm just storm storm I can't keep doing this. I can't keep storm. storm storm. god almoght ado storm. 

storm now I'm storming worked up storm... storm storm

why did I do this i still need an answers though. i still need them even though it's distressing because I dont have all day or i mean all time there's a time limit I can't do this. So what if the hrt is the culprit in all this and is ehy im feeling so awful and acting so awful to everyone around me and to myself and storm. And if its not is it my meds or my mental health or some random bullcrap storm like actual just tegular life stressors???m bceause I always usually sometiems deny that because its too simple too obvious and i dont understand i dont think its that theres gottta be something underlying something within deeper that I didnt see dont see no one does dont usnerstanddsd. Because it cant be something so easily fixed or it would go away, righ5?

how do i storming know anything? 

and i onow when i get like thos im supposed to use the skills storm rust that ive been learning therapywise but storm i want to storming understand ..m

like who even am i? i keep asking these damn questions who am i what am i but i need to know. And i dont know. i dont think i know so i dont and how do i know anything when i idk..

i dont even know whrte to start if o were to bring this up in theeaiy (which is grohp which makes it harder sometimes). and some stuff like hrt im not really even comfortable talking about with . im just so sick of myself and my mind and everything and my life and my thoughts and my behaviours and everything i do and "am" and everything storming everythign. i hate that i dont stop calling myself rust crap stuff and names and storming hating myself so storming much that i start wodnering if I actually mean it and maybe im just trying to hate myself so that i know decretly i mean so that i secretily can still think im a either a good person or not irredemal rust piece of crap. Because i see hating myself as a good thing which ive only i think admitted to myself because everyone says oh dont storming hate yourself cuz you dont deserve it and then you start acting badly too and then maybe tou actually are bad and you learn that hating yourself doesnt actually mean youre good and can be a dign your bad and im talking and and and and storm and idk

and theres just too much of everything and i think ive maybe started to think in a fifferent way that im a bad person because i used to but now i do because how could i not be and then yes yes then i just get sick of everything i say and think because since im a bad person everything of that is bad too so why the storm do i storming say it or think it and i mean i sick when i do because its sickening and crappy and storming crappy to do.

and even if its bad to do say think it here i still feel need to do it and so i am doing saying eriting it because i want to get it out even if thats the bad thing choice to do. maybe then i can ud erstand it better because ive layed it out and said it and its down and not unnaccesible and spoit into dofferent parts and in my brain.

wand why do i say these ado storming awful things that storming makes people storming not really likel me.

and then they ask if i really mean it and i dont i cant answrr i cant think if i do or not or what ot whete or why i even sayid it

and i storming of course storming rust still storming hold out hope im oooooh seceteetllyyy a gooood persssdonnnnn storm me of course i would storming think it but rust storming storm ot storm

and even here i avoid the storming problem the thing because im maybe embrarssed or know its bad thing so why

and badically im just storming obsessed with idk rust but thinking i have storming mental disorder things and that i dont storming have because why would i but they would be ansers or explain or whatever the storm i timhumk and storming storm storm maybe i am storming just a bad person wanting it cuz i think it would be storming storm me i cant storming say it

and wankt h care is bad so storm me

not wsnting care is bad so storm me too

wanting nothing is idk i dont storming know ehat the storm that is i cant storming think it anout it evacshs i havent yet

and storm me even as i write this i storming hate it

i guess i should try storming getting back to hrt stufffffffffffnfnfnfjdjdjkwkwkeowowle

storm

hethrthrthrtjrt

my bails are nails are chipped but doni even like them hern after i paint them and how do i storming know?m????? how do i know if i like painted nails and i only didsleuo didsl makeup once and storm and i shave my legs kinda infrequently and hardly wear shorts what the storm is wrong meeith me and i dknt storming know why the storm anything is storming goddddddd

i dont even feel like a storming human im tok awkward and storming socially rust and crap and damn storming crempileof rust.

i cant talk to anyone because when i do my voice is storming crap and i words are storming crap and my body's expresson motion and stuff everything is storming crap and im storming rust

i dont even feel like i know what i want at all like AT ALLL. and even if i do i just get storming sick at myself or at it because what i want is bad and wrong and storming a rust thing to want so why the storm would i want it or say i want it and so then i dont storming get it so storm me for not speaking and not saying snything and storm me storm me storm storm storm storm storm

...........

storm

storm

god storming storm ado storming lorddddddddddddd

and why the storm am i storming delaying piercings so storming long and cant storming decide if i want them or wear or commit even though i think i do and i wanted them cerain with i was certain i wnated them a bit sgo and imnow i just wanna storming do storming nothing maybe and i feel like

this is important i think

i feel like i want to be someone but that its impossible to switch me into that person without completely just being a different person

but then of course storm me eith grass is greener of course storm storm storm but atilllkll

and even here im probably not saying anything i mean everything enoygh or storming i hope i storming make sense and if i storming dont then whatever nobody it doesnt storming matter it is crap anyway so storm me storm

im too storming storm i dont have any life i havent even had a life im a storming child so why the storm everyone else storming knows things except like this one person that i kinda hated or didnt like because they talked eother like people i know yes like people i know and scted kinda like me and i hated them even though i shouldnt have because storm i dont know maybe i was projecting but it seemed like they were syaing stuff put into their mouth like people i know...

storm me storm storm storm

i eagerly await your response if any

.................  . . . . . . . . ..  .. . . . .c.cmcmcmcmcnmcmcmcm

82828837373383735555555555111112

 

0xzero zerozerololllllhahahhahahahh

cero

b

angway

what else ....

sigh im tire d exhausted now

i alresdy was

i jsjt wannt sleep

sorry if that was idk .. too.kchh or eeird or aggresive or idk just hwidi idk

wha-

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

wha-

its rambling crap but also idk its been really weighing on me

you dont have to read it all/respond if u dont want to i know its kinda a lot and yah

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

uhmmm is it weird that i think it kinda wouldve been cool to just do the things i wanted and get all the growth i have this year but without even knowing/being trans or wtvr?

idk ots just a thuught that ppoped up

 

like if i coulvde quietly (without knowing?) done everythinggghh like clothes and

idk this is stupid

 

edit: also someone called me "sir" in public earlier in the week and i didnt know how to feel or how i felt but i defo felt bad or at least anxious/spiral abiut it even jsut from overthinking but idk i felt bad after that

Edited July 9 by Usseewa

[Usseewa ✾ She♡They ✾]

i had a dream that i had long hair down to like my waist or the small of my back and it was cool and it was weird too and i yeahhh

but the dream was weird cuz i also had the thought and plan to post about it (my dream of long hair) on here, THT. Maybe i woke up in the night and had the thought? idk. but yeah and also i was like.. aware of my regular hair? i in the dream looked in the mirror at my normal length irl hair and like..... compared it and knew and isk it was weird and also i went on the shard in th dream amaybe im spending too mcuh time here if i kepe dreaming of ittt.

and also i had friends (maybe?) ehcih was cool and i kinda forget but... ee were doing something or walking sownwhere idk and it was maybe fun? basicaly i dreamed of myself more fem ... in multiple ways and yeah

and in the dream ofc my doubts/oberthinking followed and i remember watching my feeelings or thoughts and/or wtvr and being like "do i like the longer hair? do i like being more fem? DO I??? What's that little doubt, hmmmmm????" and uhhhh yhe.....

idk

 

also i .... i get happy sometiems. hehe. thats unhelpful . i mean................ i like my how i look sonetimes? my body, kindam? mainly... either .. its not always when i look in the mirror its sientiems just the feel? like, i sometimes (like now, i think) am happy, hapy content with my self my body and i like how i look. i like dressing up, maybe i love it.. i love it. i dressed up (by dress up I just mean pick out a fit that i think lookss cute and that i like to wear and stuff). and my hair is nice (idk i have a big thing abt hair and have for a while... idk. its a big part of me, for me..) i painted my nails too (havnt in a bit, like a week or two or so), fonaly and i like them i think. i put on my jewlery. i went out and like got some food and a cofee, with fongerless gluvs and my nice shoes on that i love. idk.

soemtimes i feel rlly girly or like i could be a girl.. when im myself or when im rrlaxing, i think. ehen im happy.

maybe its the music. i hope its not only it. i put on my "cute" playlist so idk lol..

i just . .. love feeling clean and cute and ... i love wearing a nice fit... love ... love feeling like i can be a human and .. and .. interact withpeople.

i eish i could preserve it. idk .

oh and purse. i have a kinda purse and i like it i think and i wore that.

i did have... maybe it was like overstim or sensory or whateve it was (or low blood sugar idk ) so i didnt ... feel gret tbh. but now im back out of public with myself with music in my room and i fele good. it might end soon or late r but .. idk.

it might not even be from Gender Euphoria or something, but idk shrug. ado i dont wanna spiral aahain ado i dont wanna jave to think abt the causee waitttt aait wait i .. dotn remeber ........ what was it... i remmeber saying ot thining to myself "i dont wanna think abt it.." or yeah nvm eyeah it was something bht i wa simaging something else ...

anyway uhhhh yeh

idk what to do to make it last i think i feel it fading already ...

whatever it is/was..