12/8/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 17, 4885 words (LG)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

This is the second to last submission where we see the path forward for the relationship. The last one will be a short epilogue. Thanks!

[Paul SB]

Okay, not a bad ending. A tad on the predictable side, though being turned into vampires was a real surprise. When you revise I do suggest that you add more in terms of description -- locations, clothing, faces, weather, body language and proxemics. Some people way overdo this stuff, but most people go the opposite way. It usually works best when the characters themselves notice these things.

 

What Worked

Chapter 33:

“Sometimes the mature thing to do is admit that not every problem is my job to solve.” — Oh look, character growth! What every good story needs. Subtle, but not so subtle it will go over everyone’s heads.

 

“But instead of asking, all I do is listen.” — It makes sense that under these specific circumstances we would finally hear some of G’s background from his own lips.

 

“Hearing that Jiahao has stepped back to do the calculations and really believes it will work out between us means so much more.” — Certainly an improvement over Disney tropes.

 

Chapter 34:

“… a faceless organization that’s hard to hate in the same way that an earthquake or wildfire is.” — Great observation.

 

“White settlers used the strategy to divide and conquer Native American tribes. The FBI used it to create infighting in black power groups that brought them down. And here we are again, dancing to the same damn song.” — I love that you brought this theme back here.

 

“Deep breaths,” I say. “Sync up with me.” — Madly in adolescence love, yet so practical.

 

 

 

Not So Much

Chapter 33:

“Bringing it out into the open so that every supernatural knows about it keeps us all safe …” — Given how many supernaturals out there are not the kindest of people, no doubt putting it out in the open will make them targets of everyone who wants it for themselves.

 

“I even got a voicemail from my dad’s hospital that he’s awake…” — Wee bit of a coincidence? Consider having the voicemail earlier in the story.

 

“She tells me that Jiahao is chatting alone with their mother who also got shot, which meant she got booted out here.” — Non-specificity of referent. It’s hard to tell who the last ‘she’ is referring to.

 

“Jiahao and I have known each other for less than two weeks…” — This declaration of love is either plot armor or a really, really bad mistake, and those two will end up hating each other within the year. It would be a little less Disney if she at least admitted to having some second thoughts.

 

 

Chapter 34:

“A hundred years doesn’t make the memories easier. We have to give ourselves something to do so they can’t drag us back to where we were.” — Every psychologist who ever lived just groaned. Distraction can only keep you going for so long. Eventually you have to process.

 

“He has the right to express his emotions like anyone else …” — The right sounds kind of blasé.  Maybe he has the need would come across better.

 

“… but she seems to get a pass from having seen her stepdad’s brains get blasted out of his head yesterday. Exactly like she and J planned.” — The phrasing makes it seem like what they planned was seeing brains blasted out rather than the community’s reaction to W.

[ginger_reckoning]

Sorry this took so long to get out! I don't have many overarching notes on this submission. I have a lot of notes below that are mostly critiques but overall I thought this submission was good! It seems about the right length for falling action, so I will admit I am a little skeptical about there being more chapters. I guess I will see when I read the next one! Good work!

 

 

Sub 17

 

“He’s from a less powerful culture” I think it would be better to just point out the fact that she was being racist before. Like the way this is worded makes it seem like she expects her reaction to be natural based on the fact he’s asian, rather than that being a failing on her part

 

That being said I like her seeing G in a new light here

 

Pg 5 “Work out forever when people change” I would cut “when people change”

 

Pg 8 I still wonder what will happen since the paramedics saw the tunnels

 

Also, can J still transform or is that overwritten by being a vampire now?

 

Pg 10 “Especially now that it’s not easy” this sentence confused me a little at first. I think it might be a little easier to understand if instead of “especially” it’s “even though”, since I feel like the statement is a little contradictory

 

“And honestly, even those” I think this is probably J continuing but it’s not super clear since there was a pause. Might be nice to have just a little dialogue tag somewhere here

 

“Surive to resist” I like this line

 

Pg 12 So like are B, N, and P giving like powerpoint presentations? A little confused here, especially since I never really got a read on any of them as being comfortable with public speaking. Also when did they have time to prepare this? This is not super huge, but I did notice it. W debriefing about what happened makes a little bit more sense to me. 

 

Pg 13 “Exactly like she and J planned” this makes it sound like she planned for her stepdad to be killed

 

“Last up is me” I would rather see how this actually plays out instead of a summary, personally 

 

“B jokes” again, I would rather see the dialogue of this

 

Pg 14 “should be blushing” I think “would” would be better here

 

Over an hour??? I know they’re teens but got dang