Paul SB - Twilight's Rift sub24 - 4159 words (L)

[Paul SB]

The climax is here. Two entries, hopefully with enough of a twist to keep you interested. My hope is that it doesn't go exactly the way people predict, and it doesn't seem too easy. If anyone has experience with fleet-level wargaming or similar simulation, I would love to hear any suggestions you might have about battle tactics.

Thanks for following along this far. Next week is the denouement, which is just one entry.

 

Edited December 1, 2025 by Paul SB
Put the summaries in the wrong place

[AnAirSickFool]

Was I the only one that did not receive any attachment with the email?

I only received the summaries. 

[Paul SB]

No one else has said anything, but I was pretty sure I attached it.  I'll try sending it out again, just in case.

[AnAirSickFool]

Finished reading.

My thoughts. The battle was not as easy as I had thought it would be so that is good.

My experience with these kinds of space battles is not great but I do have some thoughts about it. One is that moving in straight lines does not make a lot of sense in space since it is vast and 3D. Same with having a defense fleet stationed around the equator of a planet. planetary defenses are difficult to write in space stories due to the massive distances involved so keeping in mind the numbers and size of ships required for things is important. The other thing is that everything that happens in space battles takes place at massive distances so something to help sell that to readers is important.

The only other thing is I am somewhat confused on the declaration that labor contracts are void and an end to indentured servitude, but that might just be because I joined the story late and it would make sense with the whole context. Otherwise it comes a little out of left field.

As an aside for an interesting study on how such things happened in real life I would recommend looking into the British empires work to abolish the slave trade which is somewhat similar to this scenario.

[Paul SB]

Thanks for taking a look. I can certainly go back and make more of a point about the distances involved. There haven't been any actual space battles yet, but most likely when they do happen they will be mostly using sensors to target because the ships are so far apart they would just look like shiny dots, if even that. Star Wars and Star Trek make everything close together so they can show off their special effects and increase the drama. Likely they are giving very much the wrong impression. There are plenty of sci-fi novels that do it well. 

As far as straight lines go, even in space the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, unless there is a gravity well near enough to mess with it. Terrestrial planets are not likely to be big enough to make much of a difference, though stars certainly are. Straight lines aren't necessarily going to all be on the same plane in a three-dimensional setting.

In this universe the word labor is used to designate the lowest social caste, who are indentured servants, which is just a euphemism for slaves, since the owner of the contract can set the value of their work to any price they want. A penny a year? Sure thing. 

It's ironic that the UK outlawed slavery in 1820, while "the land of the free" didn't until 1864, and then only after an extremely bloody war. Most countries in Europe outlawed slavery decades before we did, and today we still have people who want to bring it back, and claim that it was a work training program.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: This one worked pretty well for me, specifically because the focus is on the choices each of the characters are making more than the actual fleet warfare (which hasn’t been a focus of the story before and would feel a bit shoehorned in if it were the main focus now). It’s a bit easier to see where some of the leadup with the antagonists was going but I think a lot of it before this submission can be cut since this is where the pivotal decisions are actually being made. The one minor thing that I’d want to see more of is how the V and the other D deal with some of their kind dying.

I’m surprised to hear that there’s only one more entry left in the story though, since it feels like there’s still quite a bit to wrap up. Looking forward to seeing how it resolves!

As I go:

Pg 1-2. I like the way they react to an unexpected turn of events, though I feel like I need a better sense of a plan here.

Pg 4. I like this setup so far. Hoping we continue to focus on how the different pieces are moving.

Pg 6. It’s good that there’s a plan, though I think we could use more leadup to it and clearer stakes for why this needs to go well.

Pg 8. I do like the dark moment here. Overall it feels like the protags haven’t faced large consequences for failure before so seeing some of the D die because their plan isn’t good enough has more weight to it.

Pg 10-11. I like the satirical elements here, and I think it works better than in some of the leadup because this is a pivotal moment where each decision really matters.

Pg 13. I think it’s good for the antagonists to put together facts about B and try to use the situation to their advantage. Curious to see where this goes.