11/1725 Paul SB - Twilight's Rift sub22, 3310 words

[Paul SB]

We're almost to the climax. Our heroes spend this portion in the company of aliens, and I'm mostly interested how people perceive the aliens. Do they feel real, thought-out, or even plausible? Are their any aspects of their biology and/or culture that you would like to see more of?

[AnAirSickFool]

Just finished reading the chapter. I am new to this so I have not read the previous chapters so my thoughts can be taken with a grain of salt.

To answer your questions: The aliens mostly seemed to me a lot like normal people. The way they spoke and interacted with the crew felt human and being on the ship did not feel that strange. I am always interested in the biology of things and how that informs the interactions between species so it would be interesting to see more of that. 

[Paul SB]

Thanks for taking a look. This late in the game you don't have the context of previous chapters where the protagonists interacted with this particular species. I probably asked the wrong question for this chapter anyway, since those who have been reading it have seen these guys (okay, not really guys, as their species have no genitalia) already. 

If you are interested in reading this thing from the beginning I could send you the files. The complete manuscript is around 92 kilowords. The first draft included a few chapters from their perspective, but the first draft was 250 kilowords, which dooms it for publication, so I had to do some major slashing.

Others have assured me that there are usually a lot more people participating here, though the entire time I've been here there's been only one person critiquing me, and until very recently I was the only one critiquing him back. So the more the merrier.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: I think the way the plot is progressing makes sense, and I like the way that the story puts pressure on the characters to undergo the procedure to better convince the T of the alliance they’re proposing. In a lot of this book I’ve wanted the plot to be tighter on what’s pushing the characters to make the choices in the moment and this is a good example of what to do.

Unfortunately I wasn’t fully engaged throughout and I think the focus feels a bit off. Ultimately the characters need to compare the benefits and risks to make this decision and there’s a lot of focus on the risks (which are pretty abstract) without much focus on the benefits (be it biological or political in pushing for the alliance). I think putting the second chapter from ME’s perspective is a good choice, and I think the story needs to put in a bit more work to convince her beyond feelings of friendship.

As I go:

Pg 2. It’s good that we get some scene-setting about why this is important, and I think we need more specifics here. We already know that Too doesn’t have a strong grip on her personality (which I still think the story needs to do a bit more with), and telling us that the meeting could change everything doesn’t help us see the stakes that clearly.

Pg 4. I continue to like this dynamic, though this isn’t showing us much new. The main new thing is that there’s more pressure to accept it as proof for the T, so I think that needs to be the focus here.

Pg 7. I like this conflict for ME being pulled between experiences with friendly aliens and faith, and I think we need more specifics for it to fully land.

Pg 9. I like the part about the kids, sine it feels like new info that could spur ME into realizations she couldn’t have come up with on her own.