10/6/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 8, 5381 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Additional warning for light body horror. 

We get into the midpoint crisis here, and I'm most curious if the emotional moments land. I am a few hundred words over, which I'll try not to make a habit. Thanks!

[Paul SB]

I think the emotions land pretty well for the most part. The problem, as I see it, is that your narrators both spend way too much time contemplating life, the universe, and everything during a fight. I think all the musing should be trimmed, then brought back in conversation in the aftermath.

 

What Works:

 

“… I can understand desperate young women not wanting to risk it on their own.” An insight that makes sense coming from a girl, and no surprise the boy doesn’t get it.

 

“Guess how that went,” he says.” Good teen sarcasm

 

“In China, white is the color of bone. The color of death.

The color of villains.” This is well done, especially separating the last sentence.

“I’ve never watched someone die before, and even with the way vampires are more dead than alive in some ways it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that a person who exists one minute doesn’t the next.” Good dumbstruck reflection. It shows well how being a thrall for a long time changed the character’s perspective, but was in essence still a person.

 

 

What Doesn’t:

“… its branches extend in a hundred-yard radius with no other dead trees or shrubs beneath.” A tree that huge these days would be spotted by satellites and likely investigated.

 

It’s a little hard to fathom why DX would go to the charade of untying B if it was her intention to kill them anyway.

 

“But that’s a mystery for later.” Exactly. This is a fight scene. Not only should K not have time to think these things, the musings take the reader right out of the scene. It would work better if you saved most of the thinking for the aftermath.

 

Nearly four feet tall sounds kind of little for a dire wolf.

 

P. 13 you have Mei tell herself to give her the gun?

 

How does N carry an unconscious werewolf and a bound and gagged vampire on the back of her motorcycle?

 

Why doesn’t N use a pistol crossbow?

 

LXs musings seem to drag on a bit.

[ginger_reckoning]

Sub 8

 

I liked the action sequences, and I think it was a good spot to have something like this. Not that the story has been slow, it just seems about the right time for a semi-big confrontation. I thought that the section from L’s perspective felt a little out of nowhere. I like that we have it and think it should be included, but would rather have known more about her character or even seen a chapter from her perspective previously, especially since this possibly seems like her last chapter as well

 

LBl’s

 

I wonder why they don’t just  tell G the whole story, especially since he also suspects that D is involved

 

“By sex I assume” I think this is trying to clarify that they are all cisgender women? Why not just have her say that? I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone use the term “by sex” and I’m not sure what the fact of her saying this adds to her character

 

“They can’t turn into bats” I would switch the two clauses to be something like “Vampires do take after…even if they can’t turn into…” because I don’t know what not being able to turn into a bat has to do with them being all women

 

“When I risk a question” I think this question should be included as an actual quote

 

Just a note, I think the community should have an actual name, or at least the tunnels where they live. I feel like they would have come up with one, since its been around a while, and especially to differentiate where they live versus where all the vampires live

 

“Guess how that went” I really like this for the end of his story, and it fits his character

 

Ah, A being G’s son is an interesting twist. 

 

‘And which one is which” everything after the comma on this sentence felt a little weird, in a way I find hard to put into words. I think because it uses both “is” and “was”, which while technically not an error, makes the tense a little confusing. I think it could benefit from either making it its own sentence, or adding a little by way of explanation for its inclusion, such as “and which is which was not even up to them, but determined by the…” 

 

“Prepping me on is the location” prepping me about the location? 

 

Oh yeah, I like the detail that they tend to avoid forests because of the wood. That’s a cool detail

 

Basic vampire rules apply” a brief list could still be useful, just in case the reader is a little shaky on vampire lore or need a reminder. Also for instance, if running water is or isn’t a deterrent, since that one’s less widely known

 

I like the idea of the email. I would personally forget to cancel the email haha

 

“That leaves the last one off” I would save this for until it describes D, since she is actually the last one

 

Pg 8 “most physical harm” when did he say this?

 

The negotiation scene was very tense, I liked it

 

“How the gun should have been loaded with silver” I think this should be actual dialogue as well, since saying like “You loaded that gun with regular bullets on purpose you fool” or something along those lines characterizes D and L more imo

 

It was also very smart of K to figure out what was going on with L so quickly, cool moment

 

I like that there is a loophole at play and L is taking every opportunity to not obey orders, and the fact she loaded the gun without silver bullets shows she was planning ahead

 

“Based on the way” this feels like an abrupt change of subject to me, since they were just discussing how she was running and keeping herself in front of B. I think there needs to be a sentence of connective tissue here, imo

 

“On her shoulders at his side” two prepositional phrases in a row stand out 

 

“Exists one minute doesn’t the next” I appreciate that she acknowledges the shock of the sudden death, but I also feel like she would have more feelings than that about her mother who she is also vampirically in thrall to. As a side note, I thought that particular relationship was such a goldmine for complicated emotions that I was getting excited for I got a little disappointed that she died right here haha

 

“A real mother in after” I think the word in is extraneous here?