29/09/2025 - TheDwarfyOne - 1st sub - 4442 words (V)

[TheDwarfyOne]

Hey all. Thanks for taking the time to read through my piece. Any feedback will be gratefully received!

 

Note: There is some violence/bloodshed.

Edited September 29, 2025 by TheDwarfyOne

[Appol PhD they/he]

Congrats on your first submission!

Overall: I like the idea of focusing on an executioner of an authoritarian king who has to walk the line between duty and conscience as he tries to root out the truth about what’s going on here. On a plot level, I feel like the main thing that’s missing is understanding why J’s death is important and what wheels it’s setting into motion. The story’s treating it like an inciting incident leading G down this path, but right now it’s not quite providing us with enough specific pieces to sell the fact that this is important. Other than that, I feel like I don’t get a good picture of the setting (some small details can go a long way).

Beyond that my main comment with the scene by scene writing is that I mostly am getting the basics without a lot of specifics on what makes each of these scenes interesting enough to be worth showing. Though I think this is something that tends to naturally get smoothed out over time.

As I go:

Pg 1. Good news is that the chocolate introduction is distinct and stands out in a good way! That being said, I think we’re missing a story hook. A king can get insecure about his image at any time, so what’s the importance of this moment?

Pg 3. Overall I don’t get a ton from this scene besides broad basics of an authoritarian king that aren’t quite hooking me

Pg 6. Similar feeling here. It feels like most of the focus is on the basics, which can either be summarized or expanded upon

Pg 9. Again, I do like the chocolate image here

Pg 11. I’m sure a lot of people claim they’re framed. Why is G treating this specific case with such gravity?

Pg 15. I like the idea of using this specific scene to tell us more about the broader picture of what G has done and how it affects people, but I’m not getting a ton out of this. We already know that G executing possibly innocent people is stirring up the cit

[Paul SB]

I really enjoyed this, and I'm not really a big fan of fantasy. This is fun, the VPC is an interesting choice, and it makes me excited to read more.

What Worked:

Chapter One

• The opening scene, which is nearly all dialogue, does a great job of evoking fairy tales.

 

• “ … the castle jutted into Lake N like a proud, obstinate chin” — Great description

 

• The description that opened the third part of the chapter was sorely needed. If the whole story was written like the opening section it would seriously drag.

 

• “The coals shifted, but H remained, staring into the stone.” — Great way to end the chapter. It grabs attention and gets the reader speculating about justice and revenge.

 

Chapter Two

• The fact that G doesn’t use the axe stand given him by the king is a nice bit of characterization — maybe even foreshadowing.

 

• “The Lord M smiled.” — The fact that he included this detail says a lot about his mindset at the time. Very good touch.

 

• “He didn’t know what he would do yet. But he did know one thing. He could not write another name in his ledger without being sure it belonged there.” — Another very good ending. It sets the internal conflict in motion, but without saying too much about the external conflict.

 

Chapter Three

• I very much like how the situation changed with the patrons of the tavern after the fight was broken up. This is much more real than what you would expect in a typical fantasy story.

 

• You seem to be very good at endings. No obvious cliffhangers, but endings that lead right into the next chapter.

 

 

What Didn’t Work:

Chapter One

• “ … It was a sturdy oaken door banded in steel …” — If you are trying to get the flavor of Medieval Europe, these would have been iron. Steel was way too expensive to waste on a door.

 

• “ … but it was fair …” — Everything I have read about the craft of writing says that you shouldn’t have to emphasize words in dialogue with underlining, bold text, or italics. Let the words themselves suggest the emphasis to the reader.

 

• I think you need to give more of an impression of how big this city is, some sense of scale. I wouldn’t list a population figure, just give a general idea, Are there thousands of citizens who might rise up against the king? Tens of thousands? Is this a metropolis like Medieval Rome or London?

 

Chapter Two

• Okay, now I see you are using underling to indicate thoughts, as opposed to spoken words. There’s no hard and fast rule here, but the more typical convention is to use italics. The underling is confusing.

 

• “It melted quickly.” — I think you can leave this line out.

 

• “Jacque Costeau” — This name sounds too much like the famous scuba diver, or is it a joke I’m missing?

 

• “ … the M’s satisfaction with striking at the unions.” — You should probably use the word “guilds” instead of “unions.” It sounds anachronistic.

 

Chapter Three

 

• “No one seemed to care he was there.” — This statement contradicts the previous statements about people watching him and sex workers cursing him.

 

• “‘Stone, aye,’ she grunted. ‘Older than the pub, some say, though of course I wasn’t around to tell you true.’” — I’m not sure why the barkeep would notice or say anything about the composition of the bar.
•  
• “ … thump-thump-thump, a familiar pattern.” — This takes the reader out of the moment.

Edited October 3, 2025 by Paul SB
Requested removal of proper nouns

[TheDwarfyOne]

Both great contributions, many thanks!

 

@Appol PhD 

16 hours ago, Appol PhD said:

but right now it’s not quite providing us with enough specific pieces to sell the fact that this is important.

I feel this too. It's been bothering me, but I'm focusing on output over my past sin  - multiple rewrites . I mostly agree with your other points too.

 

@Paul SB

15 hours ago, Paul SB said:

Okay, now I see you are using underling to indicate thoughts, as opposed to spoken words. There’s no hard and fast rule here, but the more typical convention is to use italics. The underling is confusing.

'No, you should not underline instead of using italics in a manuscript; always use italics unless a publisher specifically requests otherwise, as underlining is considered an outdated convention that can make letters hard to read and looks unprofessional.'

Well, I'll be damned.

15 hours ago, Paul SB said:

I very much like how the situation changed with the patrons of the tavern after the fight was broken up.

People be people!

15 hours ago, Paul SB said:

“ … It was a sturdy oaken door banded in steel …” — If you are trying to get the flavor of Medieval Europe, these would have been iron. Steel was way too expensive to waste on a door.

Yep, but chocolate is also anachronistic. I'm going for a Medieval meets early modern vibe. Though even at that steel may be extravagant.

15 hours ago, Paul SB said:

This name sounds too much like the famous scuba diver, or is it a joke I’m missing?

To be honest I've no clue who the scuba diver is ahaha. He's loosely based off Jacques Dubois, the French physician.

 

All other points taken under due advisement.

One more thing though - would you mind removing references to names of people and places from your post? I'd prefer they weren't used.

Edited October 2, 2025 by TheDwarfyOne

[Paul SB]

Jacques Cousteau, who else? You know, the guy who invented SCUBA, made half a million underwater TV shows ... https://www.britannica.com/biography/Jacques-Cousteau

I'll go back and edit those things out of quotes, though I don't really get why it's an issue. I've never seen that before coming here.

[TheDwarfyOne]

Well, that's a name I'll definitely change! Thanks for the heads up. And also for editing your post.

I'm thinking long-term in case it gets published. There's a reason Sanderson doesn't share much first draft feedback. You want people to see the finished painting, not reviews of its predecessors