9/28/25 - PaulSB - Twilight's Rift, sub 15, 3468 words (V)

[Paul SB]

Here we go again,

This is the aftermath of the snag, in which R sits deathwatch over A, and ME experiences a change of heart. The second entry gets weird, and I hope it's more intriguing than confusing. It's also where you get your first hint that the Mc Guffin isn't actually a Mc Guffin.

[Appol PhD they/he]

Overall: Happy to say that this one reads fairly well overall. It’s nice that we get some development for ME, and like I mention below in LBLs I think the main thing we need is a stronger sense of why these realizations are happening now since as written it feels like she could have realized this at any time. The second chapter is one of the strongest ones I’ve read, where the voice (that I’m assuming is the crystal) wants to help A in a way that is just unsettling enough to be intriguing. Though I’ll say without the email intro I don’t know if I would have guessed it was the crystal. Either way it makes me wonder if the story needs to wait so long to introduce this new voice.

I like the idea of A’s anger being a central dynamic, and maybe it could help to see more of that earlier. In a lot of the first half her actions feel pretty standard for what you would expect from an unofficial leader, and focusing on her anger could help flesh her out in these situations.

As I go:

Pg 1. People don’t choose their sexuality, but there are environmental and genotype by environment interactions (which feels like something a computer should know, unless this knowledge is suppressed for a specific reason).

Pg 2. Again maybe the computer has a specific reason for framing it this way but I don’t think those generalizations about science and religion are very accurate. Maybe the larger issue is that if these are supposed to be straight facts then it’s not that interesting for the computer to have a 100% accurate answer but if it’s not supposed to be objectively right then I have no idea what its angle is

Pg 4. I think the dynamic of A putting them in danger for her grand ideals causing interpersonal issues with her anger has potential, though I’m not 100% sold on it yet

Pg 6. This is nice development! I think what I need more of is seeing why ME is changing now. Right now it feels like she could have had these revelations at any time so it feels a bit arbitrary that this is happening now.

Pg 8. I like how distinct the voice speaking to A is

Pg 10. I think we already get that A’s anger is an issue by this point and the voice telling her about it feels a little heavy-handed

[Paul SB]

Thanks for the input. I made a solid change to the interaction on p.10, and added a little to ME's thoughts about why she was coming to acceptance only after R saved her life. Most people would have a serious change of heart if they mistreated someone who then saved their life. It can take a lot to break a lifetime of indoctrination. I grew up surrounded by violent homophobes, so I've heard all the slanders.

Both of your first two LBLs would require a lot more explanation to really address, especially the Non-Overlapping Magesteria statement. I simplified that as much as I could, because any more would lead to a prolonged exchange that would divert readers from the purpose of the chapter.

[Paul SB]

23 hours ago, Paul SB said:

Both of your first two LBLs would require a lot more explanation to really address, especially the Non-Overlapping Magesteria statement. I simplified that as much as I could, because any more would lead to a prolonged exchange that would divert readers from the purpose of the chapter.

It occurred to me that you might not be familiar with Non-Overlapping Magisteria, so here's the original article from paleontologist Stephen Jay Gould. The idea was first proposed back in the 18th Century, but it didn't gain much traction until Gould resurrected it.

https://www.bennington.edu/sites/default/files/sources/docs/Gould non-overlapping magisteria.pdf

[TheDwarfyOne]

Post midpoint is an interesting place for me to wade in. But let’s have a look.

 

Notes as I go:

 

P. 1 – ‘V’s response felt cold.’ This should be indented.

P. 2 – ‘And I had been treating her shamefully’ – excellent characterisation, which suggests a well-meaning but somewhat studious, serious, ‘old-fashioned’ individual.

Smooth transitions between geographic locations.

P. 3 – Ah yea, definitely old fashioned, but tempered by consideration and compassion.

‘My lungs held their peace’ – this is a clunky phrase unless it means something in-universe. Do you mean he didn’t gasp?

R and the MC are well characterised. I can instantly pick out their individual voices.

P. 4 – ‘The genies’ is presumably an in-universe way of saying ‘genetics?’

‘When labour came’ – labourers? Or a subcategory of ship crew like ‘engineering’?

So far, a very reflective piece. Perfect for the post-midpoint point.

P. 5 – ‘A miracle happened! She spoke.’ The sudden ecstasy after the serious-talk is a bit jarring.

P. 6 – ‘Her diagnosis’ – I am interested in what this is and what it means for R, which means I have already built some attachment to her as a character. Good job!

‘Pulled her into a hug.’ Awwwwww.

P. 7 – ‘I felt myyself sinking’ - myself.

P. 8 – the writing is well paced. It feels drowsy and dream-like.

Unless ‘Other Side’ is a recognised place (presumably considered real by the religion?) I’d steer clear of capitalising it.

P. 9 – ‘Strange, alien maybe’ – hehe.

 

 

Not much more to say, really. I enjoyed it - especially the second chapter. Carry on.

[Paul SB]

Thanks! I was wondering if it was just going to be one single critique partner.

P. 4 – ‘The genies’ is presumably an in-universe way of saying ‘genetics?’

— genetic engineers

‘When labour came’ – labourers? Or a subcategory of ship crew like ‘engineering’?

— This is a civilization without government. Everything is run by corporations. Labor is the common euphemism for slave.

P. 5 – ‘A miracle happened! She spoke.’ The sudden ecstasy after the serious-talk is a bit jarring.

— Have you ever seen the movie “Amadeus”?

P. 6 – ‘Her diagnosis’ – I am interested in what this is and what it means for R, which means I have already built some attachment to her as a character. Good job!

— My favorite character, but that's mostly a matter of my own issues. A is more the heroic one. R is her sidekick who turned into her love interest. She was diagnosed with a form of depression when she was 16. You are quite welcome to go back and read the rest, if you like (and have time).