9/15/25 - Appol Scientist - Tooth and Claw sub 5, 4359 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Thanks as always for the feedback!

[Paul SB]

Okay, here goes. I got a critique back from a sensitivity reader and for each chapter she did What Worked and What Didn't Work. I'll give that a try, though I'm not half as observant as she was.

 

What Worked

 

When K realized she the real power in that situation, that made her feel more competent than ever. The “true colors” line worked especially well, and the fact that she kept walking.

 

It’s good that K has second thoughts, and even third thoughts (as Granny Weatherwax would say). Her readjustment regarding G shows a level of maturity you don’t always see in people three times her age.

 

L continues to give the impression of a scholar with the story about the tunnels, which is good for characterization.

 

Chapter 10

K was smart to not let on that she speaks multiple dialects of Chinese.

 

 

 

 

 

What didn’t work

You need to proofread before you shoot your draft out there.

 

The last sentence in Ch.9 is vague. Does K mean convince them that they would be accepted in society as Asian people, or as supernatural people. The first is a whole lot less of s stretch than the last, but even the first has problems she should be thinking about, like identity papers and forged histories, especially now with all the scapegoating of immigrants going on.

 

L completely missed the most obvious explanation for the tunnels, that they were abandoned mines, possibly from when that area was owned by Russia, which would explain why no one around really knew where they came from.

 

A teenager flying off the handle and blowing her cover is realistic. If K hadn’t I’d be questioning your portrayal. Now she needs to whack herself on the forehead and shout, “Doh!”

 

 

Chapter 10

K says that she can tell it’s A by his posture. This is very much a show-don’t-tell situation.

 

K couldn’t tell from the engine noise that it was a motorcycle?

 

How would K be able to tell that the knife was made of wood in the moonlight? Not by color.

 

Running somebody down on a motorcycle is like to do as much damage to the rider as the person she hits.

 

If N is supposed to be K’s guardian angel, why would she leave?

 

Petrified wood is awfully heavy to make into a table.

 

The military-industrial complex reference is a bit of a head-scratcher.

 

 

I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but it might help your non-Chinese audience members if you had some sort of guide to pronouncing names.

 

So far we have the standard-issue vampires and werewolves. Are we going to see any mythical Chinese cryptids?

[ginger_reckoning]

I liked the second chapter in this submission a lot! The first was okay, but I think there needs to be a little more time spent on the realization that G is in on everything too, and is in fact himself supernatural or at least supernatural adjacent. I don't think it actually said whether he is a werewolf or not. I also am not sure exactly what her plan was when she just walks out. I mean, she may also not have a plan, but I don't think she ever really thinks about that either. I would like just a little more of herself reacting to her decision to walk out. 

I also thought the introduction of N was a little out of nowhere

I liked the scene where J started talking about K without realizing she could understand

 

 

 

Pg1 - “can, squeeze through” 

Pg2-”using his right to a pocketknife” I think there’s a word missing here, possible should be “to bring a pocketknife blade”

 

“With the fate of your community” I found this to be just a little confusing, I would suggest rearranging the clauses a little to something like “surely we can’t trust the fate of your community to the man who held knife…” 

 

“You know he can’t hurt me” no, she doesn’t really know that haha, I think she should call him out on that personally

 

I wonder why she doesn’t offer to give the scanner to L instead

 

Pg 10 “In this economy” lol

 

I wonder how N knew where they were. Was she following them? Does L know her? 

 

P11 “it should logically be safe” I actually think its logically unsafe too

 

So is werewolfism genetic? That’s been implied but not really stated