9/8/25 - Appol Scientist - Tooth and Claw sub 4, 3936 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

We learn a bit more about K and J's pasts and identities as their investigation+relationship continues to progress. No real specific questions, so any and all feedback welcome!

[Paul SB]

Part 1

This is looking like a really predictable hook-up by the end of the story (in this case, the girl gets the guy rather than the usual guy gets the girl).

The vacuum cleaner is great! I hope you make a running joke of it.

Trusting that he’s not a vampire, regardless of what he said, might be a little rash, though he doesn’t seem to sparkle in the sun or anything.

I would think she might consider the possibility that he wasn’t telling the truth here.

Chasing after the gunshots — I can see a teenager moping about this, but I can also see K replying that it was a perfectly natural reaction to want to see what was going on, and shows his concern for others.

They both thought each other might be Aegis agents. Shouldn’t that at least get a chuckle out of them?

If he told her his dream he never shared with anyone just to keep an enemy close, then I would hardly trust that he didn’t just make it up.

Part 2

I love how K’s description of S gets right down to her own insecurities.

As soon as you described how cold S was I guessed she’s a vampire.

Since K is already well aware that supernatural entities are around, it’s no surprise that she picked up on S being a vampire, but I think the swirl of emotions inside her head (to say nothing of the teen hormones) would be going wild, thoughts all over the place, and none too coherent. And that should show in her body language and proxemics as well. One moment she would flinch back from S, another inch closer. Her face should be changing colors like a chameleon (something either of the other two might remark on). Maybe bring her hands up to her temples.

 

Beyond stuff like this, I’m not sure how much more I can say without having some idea of your theme(s).

[ginger_reckoning]

My biggest notes for this submission was that I felt like the introduction of S was way too sudden, and I thought K's reaction to her was a little underwhelming. I think that learning an old friend and previous crush is actually an adult and possibly hundreds of years old, who was only using you to get the scanner is a pretty big reveal, and would get a much bigger reaction from K, even if its mostly internal. Having her be introduced (or reintroduced? sorry, I'm realizing I remember a lot less from bond of wildflowers than I thought) and then immediately be revealed as a vampire is too quick. I would reccomend at least having K thinking about her before this point, or maybe looking at an old photo or something, so it's more impactful to have her arrive. Overall, I liked the scene with the stairs, and I like how the possibility of their relationship is actually ambiguous and complicated, due to how it started with them both trying to manipulate the other

 

 

“He shoots me a questioning look” Okay, I’m glad, the thing about G hating did seem to be a weird thing to say to someone who doesn’t know G haha

 

Pg 2 Idk if this is just me, but I feel like if you’re caught staring once, but you want to keep looking, you start to get more sneaky with glances, rather than full blown staring again, but idk that’s really nitpicky haha

 

“So this is what’s possible” I am going to start saying this when people show me their house/room and see how they react haha

 

“Can I come in” I mean, he did ultimately still need to be invited in, I feel like if he weren’t a vampire he would step in to prove the point, so I’m guessing he is a vampire too. Then again he survives in sunlight so idk, maybe not

 

I like that the tv is the least interesting

 

I am not sure if he established that he doesn’t have technology back home, so it might be nice to have a reminder here as to why he is so interested

 

“Resolute like a soldier” LOL

 

I liked the stair scene, it was a little corny imo but cute, and considering the genre, a little corny is okay I think

 

Pg5 “confirming it’s okay to take some” cut “to take some”, put a comma after “okay”

 

Haha the vacuum thing was a good clue haha

 

“Long lost mom” my first reaction is that they both reveal these things so casually. Having her match the same tone I think should have a mental note from her or something

 

Pg 7 I like that she’s upfront about her initial suspicions too

 

“So I invite her inside” I would write out the actual dialogue here, since S replies with dialogue

 

Okay, I seriously misread G’s relationship to her dad, I thought he was her great uncle for some reason

 

“Alone with you” okay, ouch. Also, based on her reaction I think there’s more to this than just the awkwardness

 

Okay, her also being some kind of being or at least known to J, I think she should be introduced earlier than this

“Psychic damage to my perception” LOL

“You were supposed to get the scanner” I think it’s fine for her to realize this, but I would like more of reaction from her, this is some pretty heavy emotional stuff to learn someone you once like was actually really creepy and just using you

 

Oof yeah this lady is really creepy