9/1/25 - Appol Scientist - Tooth and Claw sub 3, 3715 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hello everyone and happy Labor Day to any fellow Americans!

We get an important new character here in K's mom, and I'm curious how she comes across. Other than that, no real specific questions!

[Paul SB]

Okay, this seems to be moving the story along, and piquing my curiosity — though I’m not a huge fan of supernatural tales (supernatural is kind of an oxymoron).

As far as how the mom comes across, K thinks a lot about her on an emotional level, but the mom herself doesn't show a whole lot of feeling. You could probably fix this by working on her facial expressions, proxemics, and general body language. Have you checked out The Emotion Thesaurus? I'm not getting any sales commission, but it's truly a worthwhile investment.

 

This sequence opens with a gunshot and ends with a lunch, and with very little action in between. It almost feels like the cliffhanger ending became a broken promise. I can see how you needed certain things to happen, but you could have upped the drama a little.

 

Also, sensory detail is your friend. It’s really easy to knock out plot and dialogue and forget the little details that make a story feel real. For example, when K crosses the footbridge, does the flowing water make any sound at all? Is there a particular scent to the air? This is a rural area, so there would probably be frogs croaking at that hour. Even in the suburbs the frogs can get so loud you have to shout over them sometimes. How does the silvery moonlight transform the face of K’s mother?

 

It might be time for a few of the really basic Story Theory questions. Since we are beta reading this, not reading for pleasure (or perhaps both) then we shouldn’t be concerned with spoilers. But knowing some of the basics could help those of us who are providing feedback to know what to look for.

• Are you using a beat sheet or software to plot this out?
• What is the premise of this story?
• Is K the sole protagonist, or is she sharing that role with L?
• What kind of character arc(s) do you plan for her/them?
• What is the lie that K (and maybe L) has to replace with what truth?
• What past event haunts your protagonist(s)?
• And the biggie: what is the theme?

[ginger_reckoning]

Interesting stuff! I like the level of explanation about the vampire plotline, I feel like there is a good amount of hints for getting a sense of what's going on, though not knowing exactly does make so I'm not entirely "inside" J's emotions in that scene, if that makes sense. It is obviously impactful, though, so it makes me want to find out what that's all about

Overall, I thought that it made sense that her mom is so focused on duty when it seems like K is too, so I guess that's where she got it. It did make it seem like both of them aren't super emotionally connected, so you might want to stick a lampshade on that, maybe just noting that the whole thing was different than how she thought it might go, or something. I do think it reads pretty realisitically though, a reunion like that isn't going to be ugly sobbing and swelling orchestra

 

Pg1 - “leopard beginning to pounce” this phrase is weird to me because it sounds like a tense break. If he has already bolted into the forest, i think it should just be "pouncing" and not "beginning to pounce"

 

Pg 3 So, I may have forgotten, but was it said before she had never met her mom?

 

“Deadly manuever” I can see how this would be painful, but deadly? Unless they have some kind of weakness to bushes as fey? 

 

Okay, later, I’m thinking is this because he is a vampire and those would count as a wooden stake? That is interesting, but I didn’t get enough of a sense to put those together quite yet haha, maybe a little explanation like "a sharp stick counts as a wooden stake" or something along those lines 

 

Pg4 “you’ll hurt me” I would cut everything in this sentence after this phrase, personally. I think it’s implied

 

Pg5 “Cleanse us” I feel like he wouldn’t use the word cleanse when referring to himself and his loved ones, since that's a word normally used as rhetoric in favor of genocide. I think “eradicate” would make more sense from his point of view

 

I’m interested to learn more about his backstory! 

 

Pg7, okay, so vampire confirmed. 

I am also wondering if she knew her daughter was in the area when she got assigned here, and if she had plans to go see her from the start

 

Pg8 “bound to serve” does this also count for the one who turned them? I’m wondering if it’s all just a giant vampire pyramid scheme with one final boss vampire at the top

 

Sorry K, Acab means your mom too

 

“It’s hard to poke holes” I like that she takes all the supernatural stuff in stride, but I’m not getting the feeling that her seeing her mom in this capacity is emotionally impacting her that much. 

 

It seems like by the section break, this may be because she is more focused on the task at hand, and is feeling a little resentful and possibly unsure of how to react, but if those are the case I still think there could be a stronger sense of this. Right now it just seems like “oh hey, my mom is here. That’s weird”. I do like her response with the phone numbers

 

Pg 10 “all the shrubs dying outside” should be “outside dying” 

 

Her mom’s point here is interesting to me, it sounds like she’s had a pretty privileged life and is using that to say “racism isn’t real”, which might actually be because the existence of supernatural creatures makes her want to view all humans as unified against a different Other. I’m interested to see where this story takes this comparison

 

“You’re already so grown up” I think it’s pretty telling that she says such a sad sentence but with the focus on knowing K is trustworthy

 

Her having the scanner…the plot thickens…