7/01/25_PaulSB_Twilight's Rift_sub2_3475_(V)

[Paul SB]

Okay, here's my next couple chapters. The first part is quiet but character building, while the second isn't exactly a shoot-a-rama, but certainly more action packed. It's also a whole lot more world building, and a whole lot longer. Is it too long, though? Or are there things you think should be added? Does it feel like the setting is a believable, thought-out universe? TMI, TLI? For the first part, is it over the top? Is there anything that is inconsistent with what you might know about slavery practices, apart from being set in the distant future?

Thanks for looking, and I hope you enjoy.

Edited July 6, 2025 by Paul SB
Silk said to dump it

[Paul SB]

18 minutes ago, Paul SB said:

Okay, here's my next couple chapters. The first part is quiet but character building, while the second isn't exactly a shoot-a-rama, but certainly more action packed. It's also a whole lot more world building, and a whole lot longer. Is it too long, though? Or are there things you think should be added? Does it feel like the setting is a believable, thought-out universe? TMI, TLI? For the first part, is it over the top? Is there anything that is inconsistent with what you might know about slavery practices, apart from being set in the distant future?

Thanks for looking, and I hope you enjoy.

Twilight'sRiftsub02.docx 21.63 kB · 0 downloads

Oh frog lips! I forgot I was supposed to include a summary of the previous submission. Okay, here goes:

Entry 01.01 - Our protagonist, Amal Hardesty meets with her friend Rey Maxton in a tucked away corner of the interstellar cruise liner that owns them. They discuss a contact Rey made who claims to be able to safely remove the cyanide capsule that the company implants in the necks of all their labor to prevent them from jumping ship. The contact arrives with a nanotechnology device which he offers to allow them and their bunkmates to use in exchange for sex. The protagonist tries to make non-sexual counter offers to no avail, until another of their bunkmates arrives with the ship's priest, and the creep quietly slinks away.

Supplemental Entry 022TRG1//-001 - At the headquarters of the most powerful corporation in the Meritocracy, the president meets with his security chief and the company psion to discuss a plan to gather intelligence from competitors. They have an alien artifact that can enhance telepathic powers, but instead of just having the psion go around reading the minds of enemy executives, he decides to put it on display on a cruise ship, where it will attract agents from many competitors, who the psion can read and kill.

[ginger_reckoning]

Again, I think the scenes are stand-alone well written. The one thing I would suggest is maybe shortening the first chapter of this submission. Again, I think the ideas of the various character's relationship to religion and their bad situation could be a little more succinct, especially being among the first few chapters of the book where every word counts. Especially since it seems these characters have been living in these conditions for most if not all their lives, I would expect a little more of taking the situation for granted, but that's just me. 

My other biggest critique for this section is that a lot of words are capitalized that I don't think need to be, such as Scriptures, Eternity, Corporate Charter, etc. These may be important things in the setting, but so far I don't have a sense how these things differ substantially from the concepts with the same names in real life, in which they aren't normally capitalized. 

That being said, I think the scenes are overall easy to read, which is huge, and it seems like things are picking up! Excited to see where this goes. 

 

“With P with her cute snores” maybe it should be “P and her cute snores” 

 

Pg 2 “straight, black hair” I think comma is unnecessary here

 

“If you talk about” I think is missing “it” at the end

 

“Big meanies” how old is this child exactly? Using this language to talk to her makes me think she’s a toddler, though I thought she was older at first

 

“Red cape hanging behind her” she sleeps with the cape on?

 

“Eternity” I don’t think this needs to be capitlaized 

 

“You’re not my mommy,” I like this scene

 

Pg 8 A ship with a blind spot that big seems like something someone would notice

 

“Unique abilities” okay, so it looks like the ship they’re in has some kind of cloaking, that makes sense

 

“Sounds like a name out of ancient history” I think this line is a little redundant personally

 

“Bring the meritocracy” okay, this sounds promising, my perception of this character just changed 

 

“Meat tanks stink”I don’t think this needs to be italicized

 

“Like a ghost” that’s cool

 

I’m likingthis scene too

 

“Kill everything that moved” why is that? I’m a little curious if they are just brutally trained or maybe on some kind of psycho drug. I don’t think it necessarily needs an answer here, just writing what popped into my head

 

Okay, nevermind about his plans for the meritocracy haha. I have a feeling he isn’t dead, though

[Paul SB]

Thanks for the suggestions. You're probably right about taking conditions for granted. I'll see what I can do without killing the world building. Some of those capitalized words are capitalized these days when used as proper nouns, Scriptures, for one, and in a legal context the Corporate Charter of 1893 is, too. But I've had others complain about excessive capitalizations, so I'll put that on my hunt and kill list.

[Appol PhD they/he]

All right time to dig in!

Overall: Similar thoughts to last submission. The good news is that it reads pretty well overall, and the contrast between the PoVs of labor and citizens continues to work well. I can have a hard time picturing what’s going on in a lot of sci-fi and I don’t have that problem as much here.

Constructive comments are also similar. I don’t see any glaring errors, but there’s also not a lot hooking me in right now. The worldbuilding has some cool elements, but there’s also not anything that fully pulls me in and I don’t have a good sense of the overall plot/story.

As I go:

Pg 1-2. This does a good job helping us understand the setting a bit better, though I think I need a clearer idea of where the story is taking us in terms of the plot

Pg 4-5. I like the idea of the priest trying to be a good person while still reinforcing power structures. Would be great to see more of that in specific plot situations

Pg 6. Overall this first part reads pretty well but feels a bit nonessential. Not an infodump in a boring way but in a way where it feels like it’s here to give us more info rather than moving the story along.

Pg 7-8. Similar thoughts here. Reads well with a clear focus but I think the story needs to do a bit more to justify why this is important.

Pg 11. Good to get motion here since there’s been a lot of talking. I think my issue is that I’m still not feeling invested with what our PoV character is doing.

[Paul SB]

13 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:

All right time to dig in!

 

Overall: Similar thoughts to last submission. The good news is that it reads pretty well overall, and the contrast between the PoVs of labor and citizens continues to work well. I can have a hard time picturing what’s going on in a lot of sci-fi and I don’t have that problem as much here.

 

Constructive comments are also similar. I don’t see any glaring errors, but there’s also not a lot hooking me in right now. The worldbuilding has some cool elements, but there’s also not anything that fully pulls me in and I don’t have a good sense of the overall plot/story.

 

As I go:

 

Pg 1-2. This does a good job helping us understand the setting a bit better, though I think I need a clearer idea of where the story is taking us in terms of the plot

 

Pg 4-5. I like the idea of the priest trying to be a good person while still reinforcing power structures. Would be great to see more of that in specific plot situations

 

Pg 6. Overall this first part reads pretty well but feels a bit nonessential. Not an infodump in a boring way but in a way where it feels like it’s here to give us more info rather than moving the story along.

 

Pg 7-8. Similar thoughts here. Reads well with a clear focus but I think the story needs to do a bit more to justify why this is important.

 

Pg 11. Good to get motion here since there’s been a lot of talking. I think my issue is that I’m still not feeling invested with what our PoV character is doing.

 

Thanks for taking a look again. I'm getting the impression that Entry 01.02 need not be there at all. That would be a bit of a shame, since the little girl and her bunkmates show up in Book 4, a year and some change later. Cutting them out of Book 1 would lessen the impact, but if it slows the story down too much, so be it. My one question for you at this point is, what would make you feel more invested in the story? Are the characters not doing it for you, or is it mainly the pacing? Suggestions?

[Appol PhD they/he]

8 minutes ago, Paul SB said:

My one question for you at this point is, what would make you feel more invested in the story? Are the characters not doing it for you, or is it mainly the pacing? Suggestions?

This is going to be a broad answer and I touch on this in the next critique as well, but for me it's less an issue of one element and more that I need a bit more on how everything fits together. I don't dislike the characters, but I'm also not clear on what their dynamics mean for the larger story. There is stuff happening in the scenes and I wouldn't describe the pacing as necessarily being too slow, but I'm not sure why the story is choosing to focus on these particular scenes as being important enough to show us.

Which makes it hard to know what the story needs, from orienting the story more around a few central ideas to establishing a tighter sense of cause and effect in the plot to having the characters feel like their stories expand our understanding of the world... but hopefully it's still helpful to hear.

[Paul SB]

1 minute ago, Ace of Hearts said:

This is going to be a broad answer and I touch on this in the next critique as well, but for me it's less an issue of one element and more that I need a bit more on how everything fits together. I don't dislike the characters, but I'm also not clear on what their dynamics mean for the larger story. There is stuff happening in the scenes and I wouldn't describe the pacing as necessarily being too slow, but I'm not sure why the story is choosing to focus on these particular scenes as being important enough to show us.

Which makes it hard to know what the story needs, from orienting the story more around a few central ideas to establishing a tighter sense of cause and effect in the plot to having the characters feel like their stories expand our understanding of the world... but hopefully it's still helpful to hear.

It sounds to me like maybe what it needs is more foreshadowing? I can't exactly reveal the ending at the beginning, but I can certainly weave in a little more sense of what they have in mind. A is very much the kind of person who wants to take on the whole galaxy. If you have ever seen an old BBC sci-fi show called "Blake's Seven" she's very similar to the protagonist of that show.

[Appol PhD they/he]

18 minutes ago, Paul SB said:

It sounds to me like maybe what it needs is more foreshadowing? I can't exactly reveal the ending at the beginning, but I can certainly weave in a little more sense of what they have in mind. A is very much the kind of person who wants to take on the whole galaxy. If you have ever seen an old BBC sci-fi show called "Blake's Seven" she's very similar to the protagonist of that show.

I think foreshadowing could be a solution, especially for plot elements, though I don't think foreshadowing alone is enough to make the scenes feel cohesive as part of a larger story (though I could be wrong about that depending on what the foreshadowing looks like).

The way I think about it is that I don't really feel from the scenes like I know what the story is about, which makes it hard for the scenes to feel cohesive. Let's start with A wanting to take on the whole galaxy. Where does that come from? What makes her uniquely in a position to take on the galaxy that justifies the story's focus on her? If that's what the story wants to focus on, then the scenes need to tie into that. And honestly, I don't get a great sense of A wanting to take on the galaxy from the text. It feels more like she's been trying to survive with no concrete idea of how to leave or challenge the system. 

Hope that helps!