4/7/25 - K. Preston - Ghosts Among the Galaxies, 5087 words

[K. Preston]

Hello all,

I hope you like where the story is going. 

Here is the recap again: 

Our setting was on planet Selma. A mountainous planet. We introduced our protagonist, Princess Cressida. And she has just witnessed an assassin (known as a Veil) break into her father's room, fight several highly trained guards, and kill her father. (VERY Tropey KP. You sure you wrote a Sci-Fi?) 

Due to some well-placed critiques, (thanks again AOH and GR) it is under a small revision. Here are the basics that will be explained, that were not well established in the original submission.

Cressida lost her mother to a fire when she was five (shown in a MUCH shorter dream sequence). It was on the royal yacht during the king and queen's anniversary. NOTE: This affects a couple character arcs.

Cressida was betrothed, while her mother was pregnant with her, to solidify a peace treaty between Selma and Lurellia (a same galaxy planet) to end a brutal war and long-standing feud. An accident killed her betrothed and his family shortly after her birth. To ensure the peace treaty remains, The Canton of Worlds (A universal governing body), sanctions an amendment clause that changes her betrothal to a coronation to make her a princess of Lurellia.

The Veil or Veiled, are essentially highly trained mercenaries. Taken to a planet as orphans and raised within Monastery Order like schools. As adults they are hired out by contract to fulfill tasks that range from, assassination to instructional combat training.

 

I am looking forward to getting you all to the unfolding plot. It will really get going after this week.

 

Good reading,

 

KP

 

[MyDude she/her]

Hi and thank you for the submission! I haven’t read chapter one so I might be more easily lost than someone with the full picture but to the chapters.

Chap 2:

The writing was very clear and even without Chapter 1 I feel got the characters well. Cres and Ma's different reactions to their father's death said so much about their characters. There was in Mas pov when he contemplated the political situation between the two planets where I struggled to keep track of what was a character's name and what was a worldbuilding name. You also wrote Ma's apathy for his fathers' death so well that I don't think the line where it is clearly stated was necessary. Feels a bit over-explanatory

Chap 3/4:

It continues strongly! The prose for the characters' emotions and expressions was enough to give images in my head but not winded enough to feel cluttering. 

Chapter 4 raised some interesting questions about this world, was the king's rule actually just and where on the line between utopia and dystopia? Seems like it leans towards the bleacher. Learned a lot about the setting and the characters as Cres and Ma argue. Felt natural too!

That Cres ends chapter 3 with “Eurka I have a plan!” and then chapter 4 begins in her pov and this plan isn’t explained to us, which makes me wonder why she is here. A plan makes it sound like she has a point-by-point list of things to do but on a whim walks into the library and argues with Ma. What was her goal going there? 

Chap 5:
Not as much to say as in previous chapters. That ending was thrilling! Keep wondering what Cres plan is here.

 

Overall there were few descriptions of the environment, so left the story not knowing how the world looked. As it was space royalty I assumed it was a fancy sci-fi-looking place but compared to the characters it was rather bland. Maybe my own preferences, I just love how a good environment can add to the mood. 

I think you have a foundation for a solid story here. Looking forward to reading more of it!

 

[K. Preston]

Thank you MD,

On 4/8/2025 at 10:09 AM, MyDude said:

That Cres ends chapter 3 with “Eurka I have a plan!”...

MFR. I am so sorry. That last line was a place holder. I don't like it, have never liked it, and only left it because the original scene had too much introspection, and I dropped it in to feel better about moving to the next scene. 

Okay let's see if I can do this real quick. 

[New ending lines of Chapter 3]

Cressida paused.

“I don’t know.” It was honest and clear. The best place to start. A new urgency had filled her and could not be delayed. Her body responded and she walked to her bathroom. A moment later, the shower's streaming water pattern dominated the silence. Steam surrounded her and cleared her skin while aching muscles released tension in response to the warm water cascading over her. It allowed her to focus. Aside from the desire to answer why her father had been killed, an equally important question took hold. Who had bought the contract? The quickest way to get that answer was straight from the Veil. To get to him she needed to know what progress was being made pursuing him. 

She sighed. It would probably be best to start with Marc. Maybe, it will be a quick conversation? 

As she got dressed, the idea of Marc helping her turned more and more into an unrealistic expectation. By the time she was standing at her door, ready for action. She had decided to still go see him, but ultimately resolved, that to remain stagnant waiting for him or anyone else to solve this mystery, was something she couldn't do.

With a step that would define her from this moment forward, Cressida crossed over her threshold.

She was going to get answers. 

 

Hope that helps a little. 

As for the world environment, I will try and add a tad bit more, but most of it was in Chapter 1. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my work.

KP

[ginger_reckoning]

Overall I think that the writing itself is pretty solid, the dialogue is mostly good and I can picture what is going on very clearly, as well as the emotions of the characters, which is good. As of right now though, I still don't really feel too connected to what is going on. I still feel like I really have a clear picture of the setting, or what exactly the responsibilities of the characters are. I feel like M has the strongest characterization so far, even if he might be a little psychopathic. Other than that though, my LBL stuff has the rest of my notes. 

All in all though, I think the style is pretty good, I just want a stronger connection to the characters

 

 

Pg1 this death scene is written pretty well, but I think I would feel more for the king if I knew a little more about him personally before seeing him die. 

 

Pg 2 + pg 3 Also, again here I think that a few paragraph breaks for emphasis can be good (I would keep the “hollow silence” one) but some of these can be combined into a single paragraph. Having so many in a row makes it lose a lot of its impact and becomes a little distracting 

 

Pg 4 “DIDN’T” I would italicize this rather than typing it in all caps

 

Pg5 I am not really sure what this is supposed to imply here. Is it that he suspects his sister sent the assassin? Mainly the thing I’m taking away from the viewpoint is that M my have some antisocial tendencies and is kind of a jerk 

 

Pg 6 “in her arms” and “Had someone…” I think this is a good example of two paragraphs that could be one

 

P7 “feint tone” should be “faint” 

 

Pg 8 “mocked her” not sure what this means exactly 

 

Good to know she has a plan, but based on the information I have as a reader, I don’t have any inkling what it could be

 

Pg 9 “no other explanation” I like this line

 

Pg 10 “committing murders” this line feels a little on-the-nose and over-explaining to me. The next two sentences about not having anything to be worried about feel more natural and get the idea across just fine 

 

“What mystery” I was wondering the same thing haha

 

This is pretty heavy stuff. I wasn’t feeling lost, despite a bunch of new names and information, but others might

 

Also, it didn’t really follow up on what her plan was

 

Pg 12 “stable not secure” I like this line

 

Pg 16 “wasn’t in their favor” this is implied, I think. This sentence doesn’t add much 

 

Pg 18 “created with sketch” I’m not sure what this means? Is this like a leftover text from something else?

 

Pg19 “several minutes later” should be capitalized 

 

Whoah! That took an unexpected twist! Poor J

 

 

[MyDude she/her]

19 hours ago, K. Preston said:

 

[New ending lines of Chapter 3]

Yes, I'd say the new ending leads into Chap 4 better and changes the characterisation of Cres, less a strategist and more impulsive. 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Late to the party but hopefully better late than never!

Overall: C and M’s push and pull here is fun, and I think I like M better as a morally grey character than a villain, and I’m not sure which one he is right now. These read pretty well overall and I liked the way a lot of the worldbuilding exposition connected directly to the conflict at hand so it didn’t feel super info-dumpy. I think the biggest area of improvement for me is C’s characterization. Right now it doesn’t feel like she has a lot of distinct traits, skills, or goals, essentially acting and reacting in a way that makes sense for her situation but doesn’t tell me a ton about her as a person. The most distinct character detail we get is that she defends her father, which still feels like pretty standard behavior.

As I go:

Pg 1. I get that the story needs them to have a chat before the king dies, but with how effective the assassin seemed to be why is he able to stay alive for this long?

Pg 3. It’s good to get some of the broader context here

Pg 5. The internality could probably be cut back a bit but I am more engaged in M’s PoV than C’s so far—him being kind of an asshole but still pragmatic has more threads for the story to develop

Pg 7. I think another thing that’s missing is C’s goals. M has a plan and knows what he needs to do, but C feels a bit aimless here. Which makes sense given her circumstances, but it makes me wonder if her story is actually starting here.

Pg 8. Hopefully this leads into the goals I mentioned last page, though I do think it would be ideal to get them earlier.

Pg 11. This is a fun family conflict between the three and I’d like to see it be more present.

-Also was C’s plan that she realized at the end of the last chapter just talking to M?

Pg 14. Most of M’s section here feels like rehashing what we already know; I think the only thing I really took away is that he hasn’t told her the full truth about what their dad was after.

Pg 16. Liking this section so far. Knowing that someone on the inside was helping the assassin raises the stakes and hints that C will be in danger.

Pg 18. I assumed C’s motivation for investigating herself would be not trusting the people in the palace  

Pg 19. I think the pieces are mostly here for this to work, but the foreshadowing could be clearer. I’m assuming that the fact that there’s a traitor on the inside disabling security systems is what let the attacker slip in, but why didn’t anyone consider that possibility?

[Paul SB]

On 4/7/2025 at 4:27 PM, K. Preston said:

Hello all,

I hope you like where the story is going. 

Here is the recap again: 

Our setting was on planet Selma. A mountainous planet. We introduced our protagonist, Princess Cressida. And she has just witnessed an assassin (known as a Veil) break into her father's room, fight several highly trained guards, and kill her father. (VERY Tropey KP. You sure you wrote a Sci-Fi?) 

Due to some well-placed critiques, (thanks again AOH and GR) it is under a small revision. Here are the basics that will be explained, that were not well established in the original submission.

Cressida lost her mother to a fire when she was five (shown in a MUCH shorter dream sequence). It was on the royal yacht during the king and queen's anniversary. NOTE: This affects a couple character arcs.

Cressida was betrothed, while her mother was pregnant with her, to solidify a peace treaty between Selma and Lurellia (a same galaxy planet) to end a brutal war and long-standing feud. An accident killed her betrothed and his family shortly after her birth. To ensure the peace treaty remains, The Canton of Worlds (A universal governing body), sanctions an amendment clause that changes her betrothal to a coronation to make her a princess of Lurellia.

The Veil or Veiled, are essentially highly trained mercenaries. Taken to a planet as orphans and raised within Monastery Order like schools. As adults they are hired out by contract to fulfill tasks that range from, assassination to instructional combat training.

 

I am looking forward to getting you all to the unfolding plot. It will really get going after this week.

 

Good reading,

 

KP

 

I'm sure this must feel a little late, and I hope I'm not wasting your time and mine. A former member suggested I try this forum out back in March, but I was too distracted to really participate. I got your chapters up to 8, and have read through #5. So far, so good in terms of your story. I'll paste my notes here. 

Chapter 2

His weak smile cut through her words. “Angel, you know it’s too late for that.”

“No,” she gasped. “No, it’s not.”

Really overused trope here. It might be more interesting if he said something irreverent or funny, like, “The only thing that’s going to help now is changing my under-trousers” or “By the time you’re ready to join me on the other side, I’ll have found a good job, bought us a nice house, everything will be ready to go.”

She remained limp beside her father’s lifeless form while the room swam with chaotic commotion.

If she was there long enough for rigor mortis to set it, that would make for a symbolic contrast, clinging to his cold, stiff hand.

Is Marc intended to be a sociopath? That’s exactly how his scene reads. His father was just murdered and all he’s thinking about is politics. If it was not your intention for Marc to be a sociopath, then there needs to be some suggestion that he’s suppressing his grief.

 

Chapter 3

 

“A feint tone and soft mechanical hum …”

Just a typo - a feint is a fencing move, faint is an adjective

Cressida relaxed a little and opened her eyes to the view of her motherly caretaker,

This would be a good place to add some physical description.

“Her muscles were complaining from the little sleep. But her mind was demanding action.”

Weak, passive verbs. Try, “Her muscles complained bitterly about the lack of sleep, but her mind demanded action.”

It wasn’t till a hot shower blasted its heat over her face and the steam pressed around her …

No high-tech, water-saving version, like Star Trek’s sonic showers, or is the archaic custom of a water shower a symbolic privilege of royalty in this universe?

Chapter 4

Ominous. This guy is clearly up to something more than just retaining the throne for himself.

Q: If more problems need to be solved, wouldn’t there be a list? If writing an actual list would give away too much to the reader, you might say something like, “Marc’s eyes canned the list of items to be dealt with and swallowed, taken back by the enormity of the task.”

 

Chapter 5

Nice cliffhanger ending …

 

Jeanie tapped the sighed of her jaw.

Just a typo - side

“maybe I can stop some of these racing thoughts.”

Racing thoughts is a specific psychological term associated with mood disorders, which future people would be much more likely to know about than today. A little explanation here might help the reader understand.

We could really use a little physical description of Jeanie.

Created with Sketch. (What’s this?)

 

“several minutes later, a light click …”

Just a typo - /S/ should be capitalized

 

““Please, no!” The tremble in her voice pleaded hopefully as the figure raised the weapon one final time.”

Kind of pathetic for the kingdom’s top security officer.

[Paul SB]

Okay, I just finished going over Chapters 6-8. Any idea when your next submission will come up?

Chapter 6

 

“A feeling of despair began to creep up her legs, and she had to halt it there.”

Up her legs? Strong emotions can affect people in many ways, but I’m not sure what this would feel like in the legs. I checked The Emotion Thesaurus (a fantastic tool if you don’t have it) and these are the symptoms related to legs (p.88-89):

• Stumbling — one’s feet dragging and catching with each step
• Knees that weaken and then catch (while standing)
• Lacking the strength to support oneself (falling into a seat or against a table or wall)
• Limbs that tingle with fatigue

These might give you some ideas of how to phrase this with greater nuance.

 

“she might find clues they missed …” - Typo: She

 

NB: It’s a common convention to put characters’ thoughts in italics. Not a hard and fast rule, but a common convention that people often find helpful.

“… she grew up receiving training from the very same Veiled instructors that would have taught her father’s killer.”

If this is the case, likely the assassin would know. Also, it’s very possible that the Veiled would not teach anyone else their most effective tricks and techniques.

 

“All she found was a footprint a little bigger than her own. If it was his, it was unique, but unhelpful.”

If these people regularly travel between galaxies, I would assume that their genetic technology would be at least as good as ours. A thorough scouring of that footprint and several feet around could easily turn up some of the hundreds of dead skin cells that human bodies cast off constantly, and that would get them DNA.

 

“With a running start, she jumped, grabbed the top, and swung her legs over in a smooth motion.”

What was she wearing?

 

“Even through that grip …” Nix the r (though, not through).

 

“Instinct kicked in.”

Surely these people know all about adrenaline, cortisol, norepinephrine…

 

Chapter 7

 

“…the polished shelves of books on leadership…”

Books? Like in dead tree pulp? Isn’t this a far-future story?

 

“He exhaled sharply. “Cressida’s gone missing, Mom.” The words felt thick in the air, as if saying them out loud made them more real. He almost expected her to answer, to tell him what to do. But the silence pressed in instead, suffocating and endless.”

Okay, now he’s starting to seem human.

 

“The picture seemed to frown.”

You haven’t done anything at all to describe this face. It might be kind of funny, though, if their technology made it possible for the face in the picture to change expressions depending on the mood of the person addressing it. or perhaps the picture is attached to an AI that can simulate her personality, though that might be kind of cruel to the AI.

“Sorry, mom …”

Mom

 

I would have to say that this is the most touching chapter so far. Good way to reveal the jumbled thoughts in his mind.

 

Chapter 8

 

“Like waking with a hangover, groggy senses stumbled through her head.”

This is an unclear sentence. It’s easy to see what you were trying to say, but it comes across really awkward. maybe something like: “Her head buzzed with sensations so groggy and unclear it felt like trying to walk along the top of a narrow stone wall with a hangover.”

“Nothing was making sense to her.”

Of course nothing made sense to her. It would be more useful to include her thoughts as she tried to make sense of it.

 

“… told her that she could not feel anything below her neck. Pressure on her right cheek told her she was on her side…”

told her … told her - maybe replace the second told her with “…let her know that …”

 

“feint” = faint … again

 

“Her angle allowed her to see that her hands were tied behind her.”

What possible angle would allow her to see that without snapping her neck? Far more likely she would have felt it, unless her sense of touch is being suppressed. If so, then seeing her shoulder but not her arm might clue her in.

 

“She looked up from herself and chanced opening her eyes fully to get a better view of the surroundings.”

But you don’t say anything at all about the surroundings. Earlier you mentioned a smell of damp earth, suggesting they were outside, but that’s all.

 

“…her gut reeled at how truly helpless she was right now.”

Tense inconsistency: “…her gut reeled at how truly helpless she was just then.”

 

“… from the drugs hold.”

drug’s

 

“That is all she had to do.”

Tense again “That was all she had to do.”

 

“True… Alight!”

Is this supposed to be “alright”?

 

“Keeping the princess in the middle with as many large trees to the sides of them to protect their flanks.”

Incomplete sentence, missing a predicate.

 

“… both guards eyes…”

guards’ eyes

 

“Just as the question of ‘did it leave?’ started to form in their eyes. There was a low hiss of something flying through the air, followed by a dull clunk against a nearby tree.”

Another incomplete sentence. Combine the two to fix it.

 

“Cressida felt just as baffled, certain that they had moved to the correct location.”

If she was drugged, how would she have been able to see them?

 

“… she managed to roll onto her side…”

Wasn’t she already on her side?

 

“Quickly disarming the dying man to prevent him from being a threat to his executioner. He then calmly gained cover while a few rounds pelted the trees near him.”

Another incomplete sentence.

“Firing several rounds wildly hoping to stop this charging predator.”

Another one. “He fired …”

“It was the Veil!”

That was really easy to guess. Maybe if she was a little more confused, and thought there was more than one rescuer it might seem a little less obvious.