3/24/25 - K. Preston - Ghost Among the Galaxies (2031 words), V

[K. Preston]

Hello,

 

If you are here, I am hoping that means you have read my email submission. Despite heavy revision, it being an old submission originally is a little daunting. I get too tied to my stories and can't help feeling anxious. I want people to like it.

Deep breath.

But here we go.

 

Remember my three points.

1. When did you lose interest?

2. Did you feel immersed in the scenes?

3. What moment best stands out?

And let me have it. <shudder>

 

Thanks for reading

 

KP

[ginger_reckoning]

So, I remember the previous submission only vaguely, so my notes on this revision are basically new. I liked the beginning section, and I thought that the action scene at the end was well written. The main part I was hung up on was the nightmare section in the middle. I do think that it is important to empathize with the characters and so I can see what the purpose of this section is, but as far as losing interest, that is where I lost mine. I almost wonder if it would be better to have the promise of the assassin at the beginning, then have a scene in which the princess and her father can interact with each other while he's still alive, which could also be helpful to get the information of her betrothal across without having to rely on exposition to get that information across. It will also make me care more about the king and the princess, which will make the death more devastating, though I do appreciate getting right to the action with this one. Overall, I'm intrigued and excited to see what happens next!

 

 

Pg1 I like these first couple of lines. Very moody and good at setting the scene

 

This might just be a stylistic difference of opinion, but it seems like some of these paragraphs could be combined into single paragraphs. 

 

Pg2 “That theory” I like this line. Though I would combine it with the line below about weaknesses so they are one paragraph. Using paragraph breaks for emphasis can be a powerful tool but it loses power each time you do it imo. 

 

“Rounded skyscrapers” this makes me think of like how the sixties imagined the 2000’s would be like, which is an aesthetic I like 

 

Pg 3 “an ambient glow” I would either add the word “and” before “an ambient glow” or change “stretched” to “stretching” to make this sentence’s grammar better

 

Personally, I am not very interested in a dream being the first introduction I get to a character. Not that I think this section is written poorly, but at the beginning of a story, I am more interested in seeing what is about to happen. I can see that the fire affected her a lot and it is a way to instantly make me sympathetic to the character, but for the first chapter, I would rather have a shorter and punchier description of the dream here, and then maybe a longer one later on if necessary. 

 

“Share pleasant laughter with” I would just remove the word “with” at the end 

 

Pg 8 Again, lots of paragraph breaks. I would save them only for the most impactful statements, and combine the rest into single paragraphs as appropriate.

[Appol PhD they/he]

All right, looking forward to starting this with no preconceptions!

Overall: There were a lot of parts here that I enjoyed, especially some of the snappy short lines that highlight the chaos. On a line level this reads quite well (which makes sense since it’s a revision; good job), and most of my comments are about the larger story structure.

I think the main thing missing here is narrative cause and effect. It feels like the assassin who’s powerful for unexplained reasons just so happens to go after the king now and C just so happens to feel vulnerable because of a past family tragedy and then loses another family member. Since we’re on a Brandon Sanderson fansite I’m guessing there’s a good chance you’ve read The Way of Kings opening, and this reminded me of the prologue with Szeth (apologies if you haven’t read it and this makes no sense lol). Here are some boxes that prologue checks that I think this opening could benefit from (or at least should have a reason for not doing so):

-We know why Szeth is powerful (honorblade)

-We know how Szeth got here (bound to obey oathstone orders)

-We understand why the assassination is happening now (negotiations look good with a new treaty but something happened for the Parshendi to want him assassinated)

-We understand the broader political implications for the assassination going through (treaty breaking down leading to war)

These give the narrative internal logic and help raise the stakes, particularly the why now question that I think this opening chapter needs.

As I go:

Pg 1. A couple things right off the bat—it feels like the situation is a bit stagnant since he’s just musing to himself, and we get a feel for his emotional state but not really the conflict or stakes

Pg 3. It takes a while for us to get into C’s head here, and a dream sequence is always going to be a bit of a tough sell. I don’t know how much of this is real, and it stalls the setup with the assassination in a way that feels more like exposition than fleshing out character dynamics since we don’t know how much of this is relevant

(also I do think I’ve read an earlier draft of this but my memory for stories isn’t great so I’m still basically going in blind lol)

Pg 6. The first two pages set this up from an external plot perspective, and I like the attempt at connecting it to C’s emotional state with her needing her dad. I think what I need is for her emotions here to be pointed and have pressing stakes even before the assassination for this to work.

Pg 7. I think the story also needs to justify C’s PoV for this assassination here. Right now it feels like we don’t have to see this from her perspective.

Pg 10. C didn’t strike me as someone who would be trained in throwing knives—potential to expand the worldbuilding here?

[K. Preston]

Thank you so much GR and AOH,

I will try and answer some of what is going on in my head.

AOH, I think I limited myself by only providing one chapter. There is some more unfolding in the next few chapters that shed a little more light on what is going on. I can't remember (and am too lazy to open the old file), how long the very first draft was, but I think it was near 6k words. So, scenes have been broken off. Currently as their own short chapters. Partially to give me the option to expand them if needed the other to ease into the unfolding story. I guess we'll see.

That being said, I am glad to hear both of your opinions on this one. I have been chewing on the dream sequence for a while and only altered it a bit here and there. It was maybe a few days before I submitted this, that I asked myself why I leave it so damn long? I originally modeled it after an actual dream I had, and figured "follow that structure." Why I felt that made it more realistic or seemed to work for C's characterization? I can't answer at this point. It's a drag and you confirmed this. I'll probably just shorten it considerably.

The vagueness surrounding the assassin and his purpose is deliberate. It will play out through the story. GR, I also agree that his observations can be cleaned up. I am not sure how I want to approach it yet, but that shouldn't be too difficult. I can see how the universe through his eyes works and also doesn't.

As I had said in my email, this is a Sci-fi at its core and I had wanted to, at the very least, paint enough of that picture in the beginning chapter. However, this turned into a lot of info dumps. I was losing myself in my chapters trying to expo this futuristic universe. So, what you are going to get is a larger scale story that in reality could be told on earth among nations and continents versus planets and galaxies.  I am at peace with this and if you can give me that easy way out, I would appreciate it. As far as I've been told, the story seems to work and doesn't need more than the gadgets and tech I seed throughout to tell it. 

As for the exposition that is possibly needed. i.e. C's betrothal, the Canton, and why the assassination? This is something I will need to look into among my other betas. Since they have been given almost half the book and can tell me if they don't get their questions answered fast enough. Give me a couple weeks and if it is still a conundrum, ask me and I'll provide the world/universe building document that lays out how we get to page one. 

Off this topic. AOH, I have not read The Way of Kings... Yet! I read the Mistborn trilogy, and to date, it is one of my top five favorite series. I am a fan of Brandon Sanderson and will eventually pick up TWoK. Aside from my practice with prompts on building scenes or writing short stories, I am an avid listener of his lectures and have felt my style grow into something much more refined than my first attempts at writing. Will I actually publish something? This story? Who knows? My other fantasy stuff might be cleaner and work better. I just like writing.

Enough of that. Thank you so much for your input. I'll be asking for another slot this week.

Sincerely,

KP