Commandante Lemming - Millenial Reign, Chapter 5 (L)

[CommandanteLemming]

So, back to the main project,and I've got a much clearer idea where it's going and who Nina is.

Previously - our heroine, Nina Constantinos, has just started as a correspondent for the WorldWide News network in the year 2034. She has just shockingly been sent to cover the death of the Pope. We've met the network's powerful editor and evening news anchor, Priscilla Davis (who we're pretty sure is not a nice person), her mean-girl secretary Sinead Szerbiak, evening show host Dan Dragovich (who was friends with young Priscilla in the prologue but has somehow become her enemy), and ace gossip correspondent/"sexiest name in news" Madison Rylander (who we suspect is a bit of a drunk).

(Sorry for the long intro.)

This week the team heads to Rome. It is an airport scene, so they're getting somewhere rather than doing something, but they all had to meet at some point. My goal here was to push the entire rest of the ensemble onstage, because I'm going to need all of them in the toolbox going forward. Let me know if it works because I can see the pitfalls.

This was the piece I've been struggling with because you meet both Nina's co-protag Vinya Jain, and another really important character Aiden Healy. So their intros have to do them justice. Vinya in particular is hard to trot out, because I know her as a mature character, and boiling her back down to her elemental self is hard.

[andyk]

I didn't feel like much was happening here. There were a lot of characters, quite a few of them being introduced at the same time, but they're not doing anything of interest, which makes it harder to get interested in them. Do you really need this bit, or could you introduce the character to the readers once they're in Rome and doing something?

 

Vinya seems the most interesting of these characters to me, at least based on what little we've seen of most of them so far. She shows most sign of a distinctive personality.

 

The writing flows fairly well, but I feel like we still haven't got to the meat of the story.

[Mandamon]

Overall, this was good.  I agree with Andyk that you could perhaps move some of this to Rome to get on the action earlier.  You have a lot of names on the first page, though I did remember most of them.  Having to track three or four new ones is stretching my memory a bit, but it depends on how unique you make their personalities.  I agree again that Vinya jumps off the page most clearly, even more than Nina.  I was a bit surprised by the POV from Aidan (as I hadn't read your notes yet).  I'm interested to see what part he will play.

 

There were some good future tech references in this submission, with Vinya's clothes and printing the room keys.  I wonder if the camera equipment might be reduced as well?  Wireless data upload?  drone cameras?

 

The "Gyros or Tandoori" reference went over my head at first, even with you pointing it out.  I think it's because although Nina and Vinya have "ethnic" names, you haven't really given a racially linked description.  Which is good!  There's a slippery slope here, between having the joke be easy to get the first time around, and being guilty of putting people in boxes.

 

Looking forward to things happening in Rome.

[Lord Juugatsu]

Standard disclaimer I typically start feedback with: This is just feedback, as the author use your discretion on interpreting what is useful, a problem, a comment, etc. from the opinions I state in the following.

So I’m evidently coming in on chapter 5, and one of the things that immediately stood out to me was the cast size. Based off reading the feedback already here there was a decent number of new characters introduced (they’re all new for me).

I’m actually going to devil’s advocate andyk’s and mandemon’s comments on the not much happening/character introduction. I haven’t seen the rest of the content to know how much action is typically present, but to me, it was only 2,000 words, so for a ‘buck shots’ a bunch of introductions and what seems to be a slow chapter (based on other opinions), I was fine with it. The characters who stood out for me were Vinya (due to being an odd one), Nina (as a POV character), Aiden and Ty as they had that last 700 words as a scene between just the two of them. So those characters will be committed to memory. The rest I may have retained one or two things tops about and (again, coming into chapter 5 with no prior knowledge), it’s enough to sort of plant a ‘land claim’ so when they come up later, it doesn’t feel out of nowhere. Basically, at the moment, not everyone is really strong in my mind, but for the amount of characters who seem to be new (for the story, not just for me), it’s kind of like going: ‘These characters are here, and you’ll learn about them, but I don’t have the luxury or opportunity at this moment to show you them.’ And I’m fine with that.

Beyond that:

One thing that stood out to me, and this may be due to my being a late-comer, everyone seemed kind of annoyed and unhappy for reasons I don’t entirely understand. People seem to have gripes about one another which you lampshade with Nina’s comments of ‘What is this, middle school?’ and ‘There must be something in the water’. If there’s history here to justify it, then it’s just I haven’t seen it. Maybe it’s something you plan on using later or it’s a part of the business, but at this point I’m just kind of tentatively accepting it.

Lunch break is over, so cutting this a little short. The idea behind the story is interesting, I'll definitely be keeping up with it. Can I message you to get copies of the prior chapters?

[CommandanteLemming]

Thanks everyone - And I can appreciate that this might have been a little slow. It's a sequence I'm expecting to have to go back and heavily re-write again (the first version only introduced Vinya but I realized I was going to need Aiden and Ty in the very next scene). Hopefully it's going to pick up substantially in the next few submissions - I'm discovery-writing toward a pre-written sequence with a lot of action which hopefully you will see relatively soon. This was mostly a (somewhat clumsy) way of dumping all the crayons  on the table so that I don't have to spend a ton of time on introductions later. My dots aren't all the way connected, but hopefully the next submission won't be as much set-up.

 

On the plus side - I'm glad you like Vinya. She gets a lot better and the group that has seen her later sequences thinks she's the strongest character. She also is helping me write Nina because they end up as a hero-sidekick type of team, and Nina has to be continually ramped up to stay as interesting as Vinya. 

 

@Andyk I will definitely look at whether I need this in the future. It was the best I could do for now, and it gets Vinya and Aiden onstage. 

 

@Mandamon WOW, I can't believe I didn't think about the cameras. I've been so consumed by trying to tweak little things like clothes and laptops and such that I forgot that my characters are crating around tons of Audio/Visual tech. *slaps head*. So the cameras will definitely change. I will also go back and look over whether there are some small tweaks I can make to cement in your head that Nina is Greek and Vinya is Indian without bashing the reader over the head with it - both of their cultural identities actually end up playing big roles in their character development, but I want them established as personalities before I layer stuff on top of that. 

 

I do plan on using multiple POVs so going forward I'm definitely going to be interested in how that works going forward. Nina's going to be the head you're in most of the time - and Vinya second - but I have planned or written sequences from the POVs of Aiden, Madison, Sinead, and one or two others. So we'll see if that works or if it doesn't. 

 

@Lord Juugatsu Thanks for taking a stab at it without having the background. I am aware that I have a pretty big cast and that it can create issues - but it's a pretty big plot and I need all of them to make the thing work. They say you shouldn't try to be George RR Martin with your first attempt at a novel, but this is the story that came to me so I figure I will dee if I can make it work and keep all of these people distinct. 

[Robinski]

So, I'm going to echo Andy and Mandamon, by saying the that introduction of the numerous characters feels like an info dump or a checklist however, while it feels clunky to read, I did feel that I got a clear picture of the new characters. Vinya does indeed sound like a professional, the ones often found on street corners in dockland areas.

 

I know it's the future, and things may well have changed - but I would have thought that Milan fashion week would be bigger than Rome, it's certainly more recognised as a centre of fashion in Italy at the moment. However there is then Paris Fashion Week - I struggle a little with the suggestion that Rome would be bigger than Paris. It's your story, and it's the near future, so I will of course accept it.

 

Ah-a, I've thought of another alter ego for myself, the Count of Quibbling.

 

I like the line about being too young for being too old - nice spin on the hackneyed original.

 

Why does Ty talk like a nougties teenager? I suppose you're going to say because he was one - but still.

 

Pirates' Code - LOL. I do like the tone of the banter between Ty and Aiden.

 

Overall, I enjoyed this submission. Reservations noted above, however I didn't mind a slowing in the pace but, I feel that it's not so much a slowing down, as there hasn't been anything that I would think of as action yet. I find it readable, I like the style, I think some of the dialogue is a bit clunky and verges on unconvincing in places. I feel that I'm still meeting people, which has kept me going so far, and we've had another pov, which is sparky, but I'm hoping we see some good, meaty conflict/action soon.

[CommandanteLemming]

@Robinski Definitely good points - it was clunky to write, so I can see it being clunky to read. You'll definitely see more action in the next few weeks now that I have all my tools on the table. Hopefully next week - although my "action" tends to involve a lot more mind games between people than actual violence...at least in the early going, some of the later scenes I've written have violence and at least one fight scene.

 

Interesting reaction to Vinya - she's supposed to come off as intense and a bit overdone at this point, but not necessarily as a streetwalker (especially since Vinya's religious practice actually figures into the plot lol!) 

 

Ty is actually based of a co-worker of mine (in his 40s) who actually talks like that - who now that I think about it did grow up in the nineties. Although the repeated use of the term "wicked" isn't a nineties thing - it's a New England/Boston thing. I've had numerous New England friends of multiple ages (including Ty's real-life model) who use "wicked" constantly - on purpose as an identity marker. 

 

Good points about Rome Fashion Week. I'll think on that, mostly I needed a plot device to put Vinya in Rome, because she's such a major character that I didn't think it made sense to drop her (or not introduce her) until after the team got back - that and I needed an excuse for Nina and Vinya to get to know eachother as they normally would not interact. But good point.

[Robinski]

Action doesn't have to be violence of course, although I sense with Aiden and ex-soldier Ty that it might not be far away depending on the situation.

 

The language thing is intersting. I guess I'm imposing my experience of hearing ithe word use by "young people" typically in London, as it is commonly portrayed in UK media, and I've no reason to doubt that. Such a minor point, don't even think about it again, I'm just intersted in language at a practical level.

 

I'm no fashion expert, but my daughter did study fashion for a couple of years and we did a trip to Milan, also been to Rome twice and Paris 4 or 5 times, but I'm only coughing up impressions from media sources and some fiction over the years - it's your world and obviously things can move on as you see fit. You might think about a throwaway line about the status of Milan, just to set context for those who might expect Milan to come into the picture of world's greatest catwalk shows. I had not problem with Vinja's rationale for being in the group.

 

And I was probably harsh about Vinja's appearance, but the clothing did sound particularly lacking in taste or subtlety. The feminist lobby might be on to you there.

[CommandanteLemming]

Re: Adverbial use of "wicked" in Boston http://dialectblog.com/2012/07/18/adverbial-wicked/
I get told the people in my office are "wicked smaht" by Ty's model on a daily basis, along with all the other things that are "wicked cool" or "wicked awesome". 

 

And your comments on Vinya are helpful - she's supposed to be utterly lacking in subtlety but not lacking in taste. She's a very extreme personality and later it comes out why, but obviously she can't come off as trashy because she's a fashion professional.  For what it's worth I've actually had some concept art done to help with visualiztion stuff - so I need Vinya to eventually come across like this: http://myboyrobin.deviantart.com/art/Vinya-Jain-Revised-476545408 (obviously that's not colored so it's missing a lot, but still that's her general image and I'm not sure I've hit the mark yet). 

Edited September 26, 2014 by CommandanteLemming

[Robinski]

Ha, interesting. I'm sure it ultimately comes down to what you like and what you don't. Again, just my impression as a not particularly informed bystander, but some fashion folk seem less aware of their own fashion. Like I said, I was probably a bit harsh the first time - it was probably the neon lights and the make up that set me off.