1/15/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 16, L (4852 words)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

Again, I'm more interested in general comments from a quick read here since I think a lot of the individual scenes in part 2 are going to be overhauled regardless. Particularly, I want to focus more on the dynamic between A and Am which we get a bit of here in revisions, so it would be helpful to know how that comes across.

 

Thanks!

[Mandamon he/him]

In general, this chapter takes a while to get where it's going, and I'm not sure I caught what was going on with the politics in the end.

The dynamic between A and Am is interesting, and I'm glad they're more open with each other, but I don't really know where it's going. Is A trying to learn more about herself by talking with Am? Does she just want to help Am? Am seems to be doing well (for a soldier) on his own.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "they also saw the spectacle"
--any reaction from this? what did they think?

pg 2: "made no progress coming to any sort of conclusion."
--So there's some pretty pointed political commentary through here and then sort of a shrug at what to do about it...

pg 3: "It’s harder to give people a voice than it is to take it away.”
--a little more here...

pg 4: "need to assist my dad in making sure the house is in order"
--Am I forgetting things? Have we heard about this before?

pg 5: "It was only a matter of time before they struck."
--But the J's don't even know about the I's, right?

pg 9: we start to get into some more meaning with the conversation with A and Am here. It's been meandering a bit until now. I liked the bit with the bookstore, but we haven't really had any concrete plot progression this chapter.

pg 12: This part is more interesting. We get some surprises from what Am knows, and the fact he knows more that A. I'm not sure it really goes anywhere though. I have a feeling it means something deeper for the book, but I don't know what that is.

pg 14: “How long did it take you to realize?"
--Still struggling a bit here. Is A questioning that she is trans and Am is not, when they came from the same DNA? That happens with twins, so it's something we know about already. Is her goal to see that Am wants to transition too? 

pg 17: “Take us...To M"
--Lost me here again. I don't remember who this is. I'm alright with the lead up to this point, but We have so many new names in this section I'm losing who's who.

pg 18: There's a lot of lies and machinations in the last few pages and I'm not sure I followed all of them. I think some more restructuring in the first act might help to support what they're doing through here.

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 1/18/2024 at 11:50 AM, Mandamon said:

--Lost me here again. I don't remember who this is. I'm alright with the lead up to this point, but We have so many new names in this section I'm losing who's who.

M is the bureaucrat who was getting on A's case in part 1, and then told A late in part one that they used to be a soldier and was secretly on A's side. It's been a while since we've seen them but they'll be important later.

Thanks as always for the feedback!

[Silk she/her]

Overall:  I'll pretty much echo Mandamon’s comments here – it felt like it took a while for the chapter to get where it was going, partially I think because it felt like the “find the dspeaker” thread was mentioned at the beginning and then closed at the end, but without really being apparent in the middle. Also like Mandamon, I don’t really understand the politics at play here or why A came to the conclusion she did, so without that understanding it doesn’t have the same impact that it otherwise could. (I do remember M, but didn't realize she was going to be important, or clock her absence from the narrative as particularly suspicious.) 

As for the dynamic between A and Am, I like the conversation and what A ended up revealing (even though its starting to feel like the worst-kept secret in the world), but again like Mandamon, I’m not sure where it’s going. Am seems to be really sanguine about all of these big revelations. What does this knowledge mean for him, for A, how might it help or hinder their other objectives in the story?

Pacing-wise, though, aside from some possible trimming in the middle bits of the chapter, it does seem like a good spot in the narrative to end where it ended.

As I read:

P2 “He was making the situation sounds so hopeless.” I’m struggling a bit with what the stakes are here, beyond “C has to resign if she loses.” A guy we don’t like very much and disagree with ends up in charge and then… what happens next? Are we talking “people are going to get mad about taxes” or “fundamental threat to democracy” (actually I’m not totally clear on what form of government this is)?

“It’s never fun seeing someone’s idealism getting shattered to pieces.”  I do love the juxtaposition that’s been set up here. I won’t belabour the stakes point as I think that’s what’s needed to really make this hit home.

P3 “It’s harder to give people a voice…” great line.

P4 “…and H’s point about needing more protection…” True as far as it goes, maybe, but… would people actually vote that way? Or is this more about A’s ignorance as to how this system of government works?

P5 “The Ix believed that the D was a J minister…” haven’t these two islands been almost totally cut off from each other? Or is it more that J has been cut off from Ix than the other way around?

P6 I’m not quite sure what to make of the encounter with the two booksellers—what the booksellers were after or what the narrative purpose is aside from letting us know that Am can write (and that this is unusual).

P11 “Am’s eyes widened…” Some confusion on the dialogue tag here, I thought Am was speaking and then the dialogue tag made me question it (though on re-read, I think it’s his own harshness he’s surprised at?)

P12 “You said I could drop this conversation?” I’m really curious to get more of a sense of the emotions that come with this remark—tone of voice, body language, etc.

P13 “‘Makes you sound bad…’ No, it really didn’t.” I’m glad A said it, because I was thinking it…

A’s question to B here caught me completely off-guard. But also, if this is a secret, it’s starting to feel like a very badly kept secret.

The conversation between A and C at the end here also seems to come a little bit out of nowhere—I don’t really understand the politics at play, and A takes this gamble with a confidence that seems at odds with her protestations that she’s not a politician or diplomat.

Edited January 22, 2024 by Silk